Shutting everyone out

I've recently had a revelation -- I am shutting everyone out of my life. By everyone, I mean EVERYONE -- my boyfriend, my friends (the few friends I have), co-workers... everyone.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this here... I think I'm trying to do something therapeutic, like admitting it to others might help me deal with it or something.

I don't return phone calls. I don't send cards that I should. I take everything my boyfriend does in a bad way, even though when you get right down to it, he is truly a sweet, giving, loving person.

I don't even e-mail people back. I am seriously isolating myself.

Why am I doing this? I have 2 theories as to what might be contributing to this:

1) I am SO unbelievably afraid of rejection in any form that I'm doing an almost pre-emptive rejection of the entire world
2) My parents don't really socialize much at all so I guess I sort of grew up with the idea that friends/a social network were not that important.

I'm seeing a therapist, but I can't afford to go back to her until after the holidays.

This makes me sound kind of crazy, doesn't it? Maybe I am crazy. I don't think I am though. I think I'm... terrified.

I am scared. My biggest fear is that I am going to die alone (when I'm old... I'm not actually afraid I'm going to die anytime soon) and I'm pretty much doing everything in my power to make sure that I stay alone forever.

Man. What a fine mess. Sorry for rambling. I guess I just needed to share. :(

I sort of feel that way at times as well.

Maybe you are under stress (work, relationship related) and need some time to cool off? If on the other hand you are afraid of rejection, my best bet would be to let yourself out there, break the bonds of fear and see what happens. Try and be more social, step by step, and surround yourself with supportive people.

Most importantly, dont go into your "shell" unless you know you can handle getting yourself out of it when the time comes.
:p

Evening PinkCat,
WOW!!!to me you sound as if you are majorly depressed.Pushing friends away aint a good idea....talk with them.They can help you..thats what friends do...help each other.
Never give up....never.By giving up,you will become more depressed..and soon it will make you sick.

((hugs))
The Shadow

I went through that 'shutting out' stage a few years ago... And it lasted a good part of about 9 months....

I didn't wanna see my friends.......Didn't wana talk to anyone.... Didnt wanna go out, if I did get forced out by them I'd just fantasise about being back home again. I wasn't with anyone and all i wanted to do is my work and be by myself.

I felt like I was going through this transition stage...... I never worried about it, just went through it.... And before long it just went away and I felt like socialising again, going out, dating, etc.

I really don't know you well enough to be able to try and relay to you what I think your prognosis is, however I don't really like the sound of the two that you have already come up with. You seem to me to be quite a together type of person, just from remembering some of your posts..... well, not really remembering, but yknow.....the feeling I got about you.

Perhaps this is also just a transition period for you, a phase that you just have to go through to get you to the other side....

Being in your own space and by yourself to me is the one and only best thing that anyone can do at least once in their lifetime.... Its the time where you can 'really' connect with that part of you that gets lost in all the humdrum, chit-chat, noise and drama of everyday life. It gives you a chance to be 'quiert' and listen to your 'inner self'. This part of you is the part that we all become so disconnected with, whilst ironically it is the 'all knowing' of practically everything.

If Ive rambled on and made you even worse Im sorry..... Its so hard to really know what others are going through....... This is my theory/experience of that whole shutting out scenario.

If you wanted to pm me you wouldn't be able to as I don't seem to have a pm, However..... my feeling about you is that ultimately you are going to be 'just fine'.

Tinks:)


ps.. Oh, and don't know if you like them, but if you haven't got a Cat and could get one, do it..... They are great for sucking out the bad energy and chasing away all the demons!!!

Tinkabell: You can enable your PM feature by going to User CP (at the top of this page), then Edit Options and then Enable Private Messaging.

Pink: I think that the mere fact that you recognize this is going on with is very important in helping you resolve the issue. You always seem very in tune with what's going on with you, rather than in denial.

Solitude is a very good thing. Isolation may not be. I think Shadow is right.. you may be experiencing clinical depression. We are here for you to support you in any way that you need, Pink.

Pinkcat... it sure sounds like depression to me. Has anything happened recently that was out of the ordinary? If you are on medication, could it being causing that feeling?

Even if you can't see your therapist just yet, maybe you could call her and talk for a few minutes...

Also, sometimes on the anniversary of a tragic event, we react to it subconsciously.

I shut people out, back in one period of my life, because I had been hurt so darn much. I took a job that was 80% travel and did this for 5 years. It took an economy downturn to get me out of my shell (I was laid off).

What I would do at this point, is write in a journal, my feelings and fears. It would be a start. Please keep posting. We care.
Barbara

i can so relate, i get overwhelmed with things also and my coping mechanism gets wacked. so i dont cope, because i havent dealt with things that i need to, here is the thing, they dont go away until i take action to move forward and deal with the crap.

then i feel progress, progress is such a cool thing, even if it little bitty steps. i also believe in God and i also believe that its in times like this i need faith, i am not good at it, it is scary but i have had success every single time that when i trust that God loves me and i can handle the day 24 hours at a time i get a bit better, i also pray that He removes my difficulities, which always arise when i think i am in charge.

If God does not work for you, force yourself to get out of the house, react with people and set the appointment with the therapist and possible call her/him discuss the money situation and i would surprized it they would not work with you, taking charge that little bit will tell you that you can and will take care of yourself.

and also pms is such a trigger for us, i know i can go koo-koo crazy with pms. if only men knew how much we deal with, but thats another topic, take care and huggies and kisses XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Hi everyone,

I want to thank you sooo much for your help with this. This is really a difficult thing to realize about yourself, you know?

I have recently come out of a serious depression, and during that time I seem to have ended a lot of friendships for whatever reason. I think I am not depressed now, for the first time in a long time, but I am left here with very few people left in my life, if that makes any sense.

Originally posted by Tinkabell
If you wanted to pm me you wouldn't be able to as I don't seem to have a pm, However..... my feeling about you is that ultimately you are going to be 'just fine'.

Tinks:)


ps.. Oh, and don't know if you like them, but if you haven't got a Cat and could get one, do it..... They are great for sucking out the bad energy and chasing away all the demons!!!

Tink, I was going to send you a PM but as you mentioned, you don't seem to have PM capability, so... thank you for what you said. It's nice to know that someone thinks I will be fine! I think you are right (I hope). I just need to figure out some stuff. And yup, I do have a cat. :) She's crazy but makes life interesting.

People, I appreciate the input. Any more, please keep it coming... it helps me more than you know.

:D

Pink ~

Could be some depression; could be some transition; could be both. (Depression can trigger transition - this is a good thing.)

I agree with some posters that limited isolation/solitude can be a good thing.

However, as Sally and Tink have stated, transition phases can last for time periods of varying lengths.

It's sort of like being in a cocoon.

I think that the most important thing here is that you seem fully aware of your state. Although this awareness possible painful in some aspects, it is necessary and helpful in the long run.

You mentioned coming out of the other side of a depression with few friends left. It will be okay, really it will. Perhaps you outgrew some of your old friends, or the life that you had with these people. And perhaps you will renew some of those friendships on another plane, or maybe not.

The longest depression/transition period I've gone through lasted about a year and a half. There were weeks of literally doing nothing and talking to almost no one. I became nearly friendless, and I'm sure my boyfriend at the time thought I was whacked. I quit a job that I couldn't stand - finally, and I came out of the other side of it back in college. It was a tough experience, and I still go through phases of depression/transition.

It's okay to feel these feelings. Heck, I OWN them when they come along. It's okay, as long as we're aware that things do go back up, and as long as we know that if it lasts too long, we just have to knock ourselves upside the head and smile as-if until it becomes real again.

Society expects us to always be up, up, up, you know? And if you're not, then maybe you should be on an anti-depressant ( <-- this is TOTAL sarcasm). We're all supposed to be tough, and girls don't get to cry these days either. Screw the world, woman.

Get as much sleep as you need, take your vitamins, eat right, and try to get outdoors in the daylight. Exercise when you get the urge, even just a walk in the chilly autumn air.

If you love your boyfriend, you need to make a conscious decision to not snap at him. Break the habit now. Even if it means just not talking to him, in the most loving way possible. Be sure that he understands why you would be doing this. Solve that problem so that you can focus on the real problem (hoping that's NOT the problem).

I don't know what's going on in your life but, I swear, Clarissa Pinkola Este's book - Women who run with the Wolves - changed my life. Read with a pen in hand and underline and scribble your heart out. Dog-ear important pages.

I'm done rambling now. I just wanted to say that everything will be okay, Pink. Whiskers up. :)

Big Hugs to you Pink.

You are a beautiful person. Last week, you really helped me through some of my crazy stuff. You reached out to me in my time of need and depression and i am forever thankful for that. Now you are reaching out to us and we are here for you. I empthize with you a 100% and hope that just by knowing we are here for you, you will find some comfort.

So many other wise and wonderful people have already said pretty much everything I could (and yeah SG, Women Who Run With the Wolves is a great book!), so I don't really have much to add. Just pay attention to yourself and keep the things that make sense to you, toss out what doesn't. We all go through these winnowing periods every now and again -- goodness knows I do. Look at it as cleaning out your psychic closets, and making room for a lot of wonderful, new stuff that's sure to be coming your way.

Okay, so now I sound like a cheesy Hallmark card, but you know what I mean. :rolleyes:

(((HUGS)))

one more important thing, depression is treatable, i stupidly suffered threw it, pains in my chest, anxiety attacks, feeling stupid lazy everything that in reality was a big lie to who i am.

my point is that you said you think that you are coming out of it and that worries me, sometimes left to our own thinking we come up with some zany ideas that hold no truth. i think you are coming out of it but really and truly this is for your doctor and yourself to decide, depression is not something to mess with, why suffer when you dont need to. i am so glad to wrote and told us all how you feel, i was on xanax for around three months and guess what, kissed the anxiety attacks bye bye... it helped alot, it was the lowest dosage and also i took a anti-depression drug and again started to feel better. for the last two and half years i take nothing but when i was going thru that pain it was so silly i suffered as long as i did.

more huggies and kisses x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0

Hi Pink,

I truly relate to what you're saying, as I tend to withdraw from people more and more as the years go by. Ultimately, I think I do it for the same reasons you described..to process and deal with past rejection, whilst avoiding more pain. Its something I need to do, because I AM hypersensitive by nature and i process pain slowly. I still wake up crying sometimes because of past hurts, and some of those were years ago!

Sometimes I think that much of this withdrawral stems from what I'm going to call the `post-girlhood blues' (I just made that up:)

I've been experiencing these `blues' since I hit about 30, and I still feel them four years later. I feel that my identity has shifted from being a `too-passive' `twenty something people-pleasing girl, to finally becoming the mature and assertive women I need to be. And this change involves facing a flood of rejection from others which I never experienced as a doormat.

I think this a difficult phase for anyone who is sensitive to rejection. Assertive people are better equipped to get what they need from life, but the price is that you suddenly have to deal with a lot more negativity (ie rejecting behaviour) from others. Often this negativity is just simple envy. Also, an assertive person is no pushover and people may dislike you for not being a doormat to their needs above you own.

Anyway, I may be way off base when it comes to you Pink. But you are close in age to me and I would encourge you to at leats have a think about your experiences with people and how they may have impacted on you. Maybe this cave of yours is healthy for you right now??? Anyway, all the best for this difficult time. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Hi Pink: Thinking you are coming out of depression can be wrong. I thought i was coming out of a long depression and actually I was just making my little nest and staying there. I too kind of lost touch with almost all of my friends. The ones that are still there are only around seldom. It has been 19 months. and I pretty much only have family left. Who don't even realize that I have a problem, as I am like I always was when I visited them before.
I am not seeing a therapist which I know would help me. I quit taking my anti depressents . But I spend 3 or so nights a week not sleeping. I get into bed about 3am and it throws me back out in an hour or so, I just can't stay there.
I am pretty much resigned to the fact that I will be alone when I die. But when it comes down to it, most of us are. You have to be alone with your inner self, no one can be there with you.
But you hear of those people dying that have their loving family around them when they die. I often think it would be nice to have someone who loves me (as in man/woman love) hold my hand when I die. But I have no one.
So ... This is a don't be like me. Talk to your therapist. Take to your sweetheart. get out into the swim again. Christmas /holidays are coming, something to celebrate. Find your friends. have a party!

I just wanted to thank everyone SO MUCH for all your input! I really appreciate it...

I'm taking this all in and processing it right now. :)