He's lying about my age!!

Hi everybody.. Okay, as some of you know I'm 39 and recently started dating a 25 year old. we have been together for about 6 weeks. Things are starting to get serious. we spend every night together and have already made plans for new years eve. so here is the problem. He has told his family about me and all his friends(most of his friends and all of his family live 3 hours away) but he has told everyone that I am 35. I guess that sounded better than almost 40. Everyone seems to be okay with that age diffrence. But i'm not 35 . He has also told the people he works with the same thing. I asked him if it embarrased him that i was 39. And he said no, that if it did he would'nt be with me. I don't know it still bothers me that he is lying to everyone. He said they don't need to know that it would just save us alot of questions if people thought there was 10 years diffrence between us. Should I be concerned about the lying or just say what the hell? Becca

Sounds to me as if he's very much into what other people think. :(

It might or might not be a red flag, I guess it depends if you are feel there is a deeper discomfort in him about your relationship imo.

Personally, it would not be a big deal, as long as he and you know the truth. Actually, I tend to be quite evasive on my b/f's age too - he's 20 right now, but if asked, my reply is "early 20s" - which I find sufficiently specific, actually. Guess I will use this till he's 23 and then say "around mid-20s" ;) In a way, it sounds less of an issue than giving exact years - after all, I wouldn't do this when talking about other friends/relatives either (my mother is early 80s, my sister is in her sixties etc ;) ).

But then I have a very vague attitude about my own age, too (if I want to give my precise age, I actually have to COUNT from my birthyear, and because I am lazy I tend to be similarly vague (i.e. around mid-30s, late 30s etc ...).

So, personally, I would not necessarily see a red flag but ofc it could be if you feel there is some bigger discomfort hidden ... Rely on your gut feeling in this respect, imo ;)

I dont know about red flag but I most certainly agree that it bothers him ALOT.
First off I dont know why he has to even tell ANYONE your age? I mean, as Carazy says you dont do that with other people in your life right?
When I talk about my Thanksgiving I dont say, "I went to my Mom's in New Hampshire for 5 days--she's 60." Sounds funny!

Have you told him that this bugs you? I know youre just trying to figure out if it DOES bug you so probably not!
Just curious as to what he'd say...

Is he ashamed of your age difference? If so, that's going to be an issue for you two that's not going to go away. I don't really think that lopping 4 years off your age is a big deal......my bf told his ex that I am 6 years younger than I am, but I knew about it and there was a good reason for it. (Of course, he told everyone else the truth, so that's a little different than your situation.)

I'd say, talk to him about it and let him know how it makes you feel. His response should give you the answers you're looking for.

Originally posted by Nessa
if he lies about ONE thing and can do it so easily he will be able to lie about other things.

red flag!

also spending almost every night together at 6 weeks is exciting but at 3 months, don't be shocked if he BACKS off. doesn't mean he doesn't really care but many men JUMP in with both feet and THEN reassess. I know brian did.

Yep. My best friend and I call it the 3-month rule. Fairly accurate. It often occurs around 6 months, too.


Lying is definitely a red flag. And, I'm one of those people who believes that you cannot separate out the areas of your life and who you are, when. In other words: If someone will lie in one area of their life (e.g., to others, about things that aren't life changing), they may lie in other area (e.g., to you, about things that really matter).

That said...I am not advocating making any excuses for the lie, get to the bottom of it and get it 'corrected' immediately.

However...

I had to deal with a couple of lies when my bf and I first got together. We dealt with the root cause, if you will, and how the lie was more of a stress avoidance measure than an attempt to hurt me.

My bf has proven himself to be loyal and trustworthy.

Don't you think he could be telling the truth about WHY he's lying to others? This doesn't make it okay but he's not telling the lie to intentionally hurt anyone or be viscious or self-serving. Well, self-serving in a certain way but not in a way that results in any type of gain.

Tell him this needs to stop, and tell him that the next time you hear him say 35, you'll cheerfully chip in "Oh, that would be 39". Also, let him know that you will be 'age dropping' in front of those folks who may be misinformed so he may want to get to it first. :)

I'm feeling ornery today.

Being untruthful isn't a good thing and in the beginning and the end it has 'no' benefits whatsoever. Yeah, we all find ourselves doing it now and again, yet I feel we should find ourselves also being aware of it and making an effort to 'try' and be truthful.

Why is he doing it, why is it easier, are you letting it go because you think its his age...... do you think he needs to grow up a bit and learn to handle certain situations, being in denial, running away from the truth of the matter. If it doesn't bother him then he needs to learn how to handle the fact that it may bother other people.... And from what you say, it doesn't seem to.....So, what is the problem....And yeah, Why? is anyone asking anyway.... how rude.....! Ah, but you see if they were not asking then you wouldn't be alerted to this little situation.

Imagine..... if you got him to turn it around and just tell everyone the truth.... Do you think that would help him become a stronger person..... He'd HATE it though wouldn't he!!!

Tinks:)

Becca, the way I see it is that if it bothers you that he is lying about your age, then it's a problem. I know that it would bother me alot.

I'm squarely with Carazy on this one, and don't think it's neccessarily a red flag unless he lies to you about other things. I too, like Carazy, have "generalized" about my ym's age (mine currently is in his "late 20's"....almost 26:D ). It would not be an issue at all for me if he stretched my age down 4 years younger.
Actually, when we started dating we knew there would be a lot of questions, so we decided on either side, if asked, "How old is she (he)?" we would reply, "How old do you think?" When they guess we say, "Okay, that's pretty close," and then smile.

The point is to let them know (with humor and lightheartedness) that:
A. It doesn't matter, does it? since you can't even tell the real age....(in other words, it's who we are together, not our numbers)
B. It's not really any of their business.

People have guessed between 29 and 38 for me (okay, ya, 29 was a gift...I'm 48)...and up to 32 for him. Age is relative.
I have been upfront with the few important in my family and close friends, and he has with his...but that's just what we decided to do and it wouldn't bug me if we'd kept it an absolute secret altogether or "fudged" with generalizations a bit to everyone. Once they see and know you together as "good for each other" the number won't matter at all...it only does at the beginning because of prejudices and lack of good information. Your bf is probably just trying to prevent the litany of negative feedback he fears will come from others who buy into age-gap-phobia.

It's obvious he cares about you deeply, Becca, and wants to be with you....tell him that his fudging your age bothers you, and try to come to an agreement on how to deal with this in the future so you are both on the same page.

Best to you and him!
Karen



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I believe that many women are a little uncomfortable about revealing their age to others, and a lot of guys know this about us. So it would probably put many a bf on the spot if someone asked about their gf's age, especially in the case of agegap relationships where people can be a bit narrow minded.

So perhaps your bf is NOT ashamed at all about your age, but is simply sensitive to the fact that your age is really none of their busniess, and wasn't sure how to handle the situation. Hence the deception. (note, he didn't decieve you).

All that is required here, in my opinion, is a little guidance from you regarding how you want him to respond about private information about yourself (such as your age). You might suggest that he simply respond in this way `a lady's age is her own business, wouldn't you agree?'. Thats how I normally respond and it works every time.

Just a few thought. This is not a biggie in my opinion. Its probably just a case of your fears running away on a tangent.

At first I thought "no big deal" but then I tried to think how I would feel if my honey was telling people I was 29 instead of my 33. It would really hurt my feelings and bug me. I would tell him that it bothers you (if it does.....)Why start your relationship with people thinking something other than the truth?

I think the main issue here is that the BF is doing this unilaterally. Karen brought up the point that she and her guy have made an agreement about this, but Becca's has not shown concern for how she wants to be presented to people, he has chosen for her. I think that's a bigger problem than the untruth itself.

I think that we often have small bumps and hurdles to clear in the beginning of a relationship. Not every problem or issue is the tip of an iceberg, or B&W. Personally, I've sort of gone through most of my relationships with this attitude, and I'm glad that I've learned to calm down and not think the worst about every situation. We tend to not want to get scr*wed and our defense mechanisms sometimes fly up at a moment's notice.

Yes, he chose to do this unilaterally, but his desire to avoid getting the 3rd degree (no matter how sissified some of us may think it is) is likely real, and understandable. And he may have assumed that she would prefer to avoid the questions too. It may have all been done with good intentions (yea, I know, the best of intentions...). After all, it is no one's business but theirs.

Becca, my suggestion is to just discuss it with him in a non-threatening manner, clarify your feelings about the situation, and then make your wishes clear.

This should actually give you a small preview of how he will deal with things in the future.

Challenges are often opportunities in disguise.

Please, people tell "little white lies" all of the time.

I lie to my parents that I don't smoke anymore, not because I have a problem with them, or I can't admit it - I just don't want to hear it! I know what they are going to say, I know I should quit, but I choose not to. But I finally got sick of the speeches and condescending looks, so I told a lie. I'd hate to think that anyone would think that I am a person of questionable integrity because of this. If you do, so be it, that's your problem. I'm human.

Please, just ask him why he he lied, address the issue if you can and be done with it! I'm willing to bet that he just doesn't want to deal with the "ribbing" from his buddies or the rude, invasive questions people sometimes have. He'll get over it.

I'm sorry, no matter how you want to idealize it, the age gap is awkward! It takes time to get past it and feel completely comfortable. Or, you may never feel completely comfortable. Who knows. It's not the freeking end of the world and it shouldn't be a deal killer.

Now, if he's stealing and lying about it, then that is something to be concerned about!

And I've never had a guy "pull back" at the 3 or 6 month mark. That's just plain silly to set yourself up for disaster on a generalization like that.

Whew, maybe I'm PMSing, but this whole thing just got my panties in a bundle - sorry! :(






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