little advice

hello all...i've been in a relationship now with an amazing woman for about 9 months...usual story, souls connecting...great times...a really great trip with each other over the summer for a week across the country...she 45 and me 28...in mid october we had a major argument, which we made up afterwards, but she informs me now that it changed something for her in terms of how she feels about me...i acted rather immaturely with insecurity, some jealousy and this resulted in, according to her, me making her realize the age difference as she has a son a few years younger than me in which that particular argument we had reminded her of the one's she's had with her son...she's kept this to herself over the past month and change and we've now talked about it...she says she's unsure about us and wishes we could have back what we had...to complicate our situation she has some personal things going on...we haven't talked about these, i have an idea as to what they are: her kid's have just informed her that they are moving out, her house needs some tending to, and she seems to be concerned about being taken care of ie wanting to have what some of her firends have with their rich husbands, the trips anytime, not having to work all of which i understand, she's been a single mother and has really worked had for some time...and she says due to some medical conditions, she's feeling like she's getting older...sounds like what i've heard is the standard mid-life crisis situation...

she relayed to me that she doesn't feel like i'm the same man she fell in love with...said she's not feeling anymore, but wants to, really wants things back like they were...i agree with her in terms of my behavior as of recently, a reality check that has almost 180ed me back into the thinking pattern i had when we met...i'm pretty confident that i'll make the needed changes to myself, i'm just looking for some opinions from some that have been in a similar situation or a woman that might offer some advice from the prespective of a single mother, kids moving, etc...

we are planning to met after christmas for the new year...she lives significantly out of town...i want things to be clear with both of us that i'm that man she fell in love with, and i really want our time to show that and for her not to feel awkard with me...

any thoughts would be greatly appreciated...

nctnaroktx

I'm sorry that things are going a bit rough for you. And I want to be positive about this but the truth of the matter is, everyone argues...and if she's going to use every arguement as a basis for re-evaluating your relationship than its going to be resented by you sooner or later.

Maybe she is going through a crisis, but, heck everyone changes. Come on, you're not the same person you were 9 months ago when this relationship started. You're not the same person you were an hour ago, we are constantly changing as we adapt to our enviroment and its unfair to wish things to be the way they were yesterday...yesterday has come and on and you can only control right now and some of the future.

I think there is something else going on with her and she's not being totally honest about it. Maybe she's going through a bout of empty nest syndrome, and maybe she envys her friends who've have their lives different than hers but she has to know that as a single parent she has had the best life that she could have had. She raised I'm sure good hearted children, she shouldn't lose sight of the task placed before her, assure her she's done a great job even with no man in sight...her married friends, may not have fair so well.

Unless you were a complete jerk, you need not change who you are. Maybe its more depression for her and so if it is she should go for counseling as there seems to be thoughts in her head that are not helping her see the wonderful person that she is. No amount of changing you is going to change her perception of herself. Give her strength and encouragement and support. If inspite of all this, she still wants you to back away, then there will be nothing you can do but take care of you and let her take her of herself as best as she can.

You can also send her to this website and see what the other ladies here have to offer. Hang in there, don't give up the good fight until its really over.

Paris

Hmmm.... could you be a little more specific about the argument and how you acted immaturely? How is it that you are going to change? i'm pretty confident that i'll make the needed changes to myself,

We don't know the full story, Paris.... I am not so quick to judge his lady. Like I said, could you put a little more light on the subject? Thanks.
Barbara

I know, Yellow/R, I'm not judging her, I just think it strange that after 9 months an arguement could make her re-evaluate this relationship. Like i said, unless he was a total jerk, in an arguement with heated tempers we're all immature in our technic in delivering our thoughts rationally at that moment.

And if its going to be her perception that he need change everytime they argue, who's he going to be in a year. The issue should be how are WE going to resolve the issue, not just HIM. This is the first major arguement in 9 months, this guy can't be so bad as to merit not wanting to have anything to do with him anymore. Is he?

She's going through a rough patch and looking at the grass on the other side...and its not always green, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Paris

ok here's some more info...this would be the second major argument we've had...sort of related...the first being about me not being supportive of her work efforts and what she does...it wasn't evident at the time, but i made some misdirected comments about something she had created that she was proud of...in retrospect after we had our exchange, which wasn't really intense emotionally, i realized why i did acted the way i did...out of jealousy of what she was doing...a few days later, we shared our thoughts...perhaps not the best conversation we had, but i know how she felt...jealousy has never worked for me and realistically my jealousy made me make comments that i didn't even believe, just a pure reaction without thought...

we carried on...once we met the next time...everything was fine...not forgotten, but looked past as a low point and a place where i needed improving and her as well...i've discovered recently that insecurity in terms of my feelings of how good i am in the things i do as well as jealousy of others i see as doing well at the same things have been active...maybe time of season, the change into fall, who knows, but i realize it and can restructure my thinking so that it doesn't make me feel that way i do...

now the most recent argument was a different story...in its essence, i think it started out as a stupid little argument about unrelated things such as me not feeling how she was acting and being confused about her leaving something somewhere...that just seemed to let some other things in...

she likes to keep work and personal things seperate...not a problem for me...so i had an opportunity to be in that environment, so given that, i wanted to make sure to not have any situation available for any troubles with that...we had to be in the same place...not a problem...i helped out when i could, not a problem...i felt like i acted as i should have by being joking when appropriate around others like i normally would...here in comes the problem...i made a joking "ahh, i'm gonna remember that...i'm mad at you...ooo...i'm gonna remember that..." about a photograph she took with someone else that had some sexy pose...i really wasn't mad about it, a little dissappointed that i didn't get one, but it wasn't either of our's camera so no big deal...a little later we went for a drink, then she went on to do some office duties, me off to take care of some things...

later on that night, another mutual event...club type of environment...she came in looking stunning...i made the side comment to her, again..."ooo, i'm mad at you...i never get to see you like this...you look so good..." she responded with a "don't be mad..." and i responded with my joking "i'm gonna remember that..." as i'd done earlier (she had the same reaction to my joking earlier)...later on about 2hrs later, we left...met up ready to go to my hotel...we hadn't a chance to be together for the time i was there due to her busy schedule...now i got irritated once we left that she had left her clothes in her office that she went back to and didn't get them, and she didn't have anything...so i said that she should go get it...expectedly she didn't want to but said it made sense so opted to do it, but she wanted me to drive over to do it...this irritated me more as she was pushing me to drive despite me telling her it was a bad idea, if she wanted to keep the work people out of our business...she went, sure enough people were out there, so my not going was ideal...while wanting, my irritation didn't subside...we both had some alcohol that evening so i feel sure i wasn't at my best...she returned, things are looking good...i'm still a little irritated, but glad to see her...then i picked a song to listen to, and she just up and switched it...and that just sort of slapped me in the face...i was irritated again...i was quiet...mentioned to her that i was irritated...about how she seemed oblivious to my efforts to maintain her work-personal situation...then she got mad...our argument started then...

it got intense...she was screaming at me in the parking lot of the hotel...never mad it inside...then she was like i'm going home...this is where i got immature, whereas i should have been like ok fine, sorry about this, please do whatever, but i didn't want to let her go, i just wanted a rational discussion, she wanted out, so finally i gave up...she ended up leaving...i took a walk before i went in the hotel, before she left the parking lot...she ended up turning around and beeping her horn from the street when i got back into the hotel room, i ran down to settle things...but she'd left when i got down...we met up the next day...the usual awkardness after a big argument...

now she says now that her feelings of uncertainty and being turned off go back to this argument and how it reminded her of how she argues with her kids, son in particular who is a few years younger than me...no argument we've ever had she said resulted in her feeling that way...so she says she's unsure and turned off...this revelation comes about when she's hit with the things i mentioned in the first post...she says she hasn't wanted to talk to me because of our level of talk...sort of lovey dovey, in my mind it's along our usual, not sickening but what we've been on for a few months as things are intensening...i'm unware up until a few days ago that she feels the way she does about things, she said she didn't want to say anything because she was hoping to see if she'll feel differently...and not ever have it come up...we talked on afternoon and it all came out...she said she was sorry...she also made the comment that even if she felt we were ok, she'd put us to the side for a moment so she could focus on what else she has going on with her developments and sort them out within herself...

most of our confrontations (only two in person, and a few over the phone) seem to relate to something she's not letting me know...after which when i know, it is resolved...i have the understanding and take care of my end of the bargin...normal behavior...

she mentioned in our talk about feeling these things that the last time we met, she couldn't stop making the age gap an issue in her mind...she said she couldn't get into sex because she thought about the age gap and i was close to her son's age, all after we met of course...she seems to have a little list, as anyone would, of the negative things that are now turning her off that she ignored before, all these pointing to the age difference...only 16.5 yrs...and i'm not sure i believe that reasoning...

now i'm feeling like the other things going on are having influence on her feeling towards us...we made plans for meeting after xmas, she let me know today some details about it...i didn't ask, haven't mentioned it since before thanksgiving, although i've offered (my offers were before thnxgiving) to quickly shoot up her way for a quick lunch or coffee, something simple, that won't interfer with her schedule...she sort of avoided saying anything about that until the day after thanksgiving when i mentioned that i wanted to see her, not that i was going to, but just that i wanted to...she then mentioned that she had some personal things to handle and was busy with work...i let her know i know, and i was just saying how i felt...our normal talk...

so that's the details...as it stands now she coming my way after xmas...i just want to make sure she's comfortable...that's the meaning behind how it was before our argument...she wishes we never had that argument that seems to be the genesis of her feelings of being turned off and seeing the age gap due to my behavior...i'm not totally convinced that it's why, but i'll take that for now...

ok let the comment pour in...please i hope i haven't painted a bad picture of my woman...i've elaborated on the details to see about getting a better understanding...this isn't a normal thing for us to argue...we have great talks and great times together...she's the type to pull away and be to herself, and i'm totally cool with that, so in my mind sometimes our arguments are stupid...communication gliches...whatever...but we always make mends and things don't repeat...
let me know what you all think...

nctnaroktx

damn that's a lot...sorry...hey enjoy the story...

;)

Let me recap to see if I understand the thing correctly before I comment:

You've had a long distance relationship with this lady for nine months, but have only spent some time with her in in person.

You've had disagreements before, but only minor ones.

During your last visit you were unable to spend much time with her because she didn't plan for it adquetly.

She's ducking the question of Christmas.

I'm sorry to say that it sounds to me like she's re-thought the relationship and is now rasionalizeing reasons to drive a wedge between you, even if it's on a sub-con level.

I'm not surprized at all that your brand of teasing reminds her of her son if your only a few years apart in age. You both grew up in the same cultural generation. And if she finds her son's behavior annoying when she's miffed, she'll find your also with the added non-benefit of you being her date and that brings the AG into a harsh light.

The two of you are at the s**t or get off the pot stage of realtionship building and while you may be ready to make a go of it even up to the point of making changes, she may not be. In fact, she sounds like she's thinking that she DOESN'T want to make changes, and that the whole AG thing was exciting to her when it started, but now the reality of it is sinking in. (Thus the whole deal of her becoming awkard of thinking of you sexually now.)

At this point you've got the same basic three options that any realtionship does at this point:

Try to make it work
Cool things off for now a bit and see how it goes
End it

Your choice depends of course on how much you want this to work, how much you love her, and how much damage control you want to take to advoid being hurt yourself.

Having been in the same sitch but in the reverse (my young man was unsure of our relationship) I chose to control damage by backing off a bit but leaving the door open with the hope he'd walk through it. He did, but sadly it still didn't last, and he left me for a young woman with exactly the same AG younger from him as he was from me! Odd world, isn't it?

LS...yeah i think by your first comments that you might have it wrong...she's not ducking the question of xmas, she said she's coming down after, she ducked the issue of me coming up, i mentioned it, she said it wasn't a good idea then, so i said ok...i only mentioned to her that i wanted to see her...i was keeping in our usual talk...i wasn't aware she was feeling the way she was...

we've met a couple of times a month for a few days at a time, until last month...usual long distance routine...everything was fine until this last time, although during the time our sex was off, we talked about things then, she's been having a medical situation as well as a personal woman's situation this last time, so for the sex to be off because she feels unappealing makes perfect sense to me...the issue was no more once it we talked about things...the sex issue i think was just used as a negaitve point in our discussion recently about how things are...she mentioned she's been off of sex for a while...this however corresponds to some developing medical issues, so it's hard to say really what is going on...maybe something feeding something else...

the time we saw each other and had our big argument was understood to be arranged time wise as it was, we planned to meet on a night to start our thing and did, so no issue there...

maybe that changes your thoughts...or not...i'm definitely interested in your thoughts...

I was going to reply to your post earlier and then I saw Yellowrose's reply and thought, yeah, she's probably right, we probably do need more information.......

And boy did you supply it, in bucketloads !! I don't even think I can get my head around Ladies interpretation of it.....!!

Which leads me to think that this whole thing is so much more complicated than it has to be........ Why does it have to be like this? It shouldn't be like this, sure there are complications in relationships, but you need a bit of flow, and maby you 'do' have that..... But...there just doesn't seem to be enough right now does there.

I don't know what else to tell you to help you, all I can say is you both have to work out your differences and get used to them in each other if you really 'both' want to be together. Does she think you are worth the effort? It seems that 'you' think 'she' is, but is it one-sided?

Maybe in time things will settle down with you two and you will both be in sink (not the kitchen type!)

If things 'don't' settle down..... Then hit the road Jack....

Sorry... hope its helped a little bit.

Tinks

she likes to keep work and personal things seperate...not a problem for me...so i had an opportunity to be in that environment, so given that, i wanted to make sure to not have any situation available for any troubles with that...we had to be in the same place...not a problem...i helped out when i could, not a problem...i felt like i acted as i should have by being joking when appropriate around others like i normally would...
she was pushing me to drive despite me telling her it was a bad idea, if she wanted to keep the work people out of our business...she went, sure enough people were out there, so my not going was ideal...
she's not ducking the question of xmas, she said she's coming down after, she ducked the issue of me coming up, i mentioned it, she said it wasn't a good idea then, so i said ok...
Dude, this sounds like she's keeping you a secret. Is this sort of thing just for work related events or is it always like this? Have you ever mixed/socialized/met with any of her friends or family? Has that issue ever come up?

Just curious because if you haven't this could be a bad sign.

it got intense...she was screaming at me in the parking lot of the hotel...never mad it inside...then she was like i'm going home...this is where i got immature
It was a little hard to follow your story in some parts, not having been there, but it seems to me that she was the one acting childish if she was screaming at you in the parking lot.

I'm sorry, I must be draft today...is this arguement about some teasing that she's connected to her son...shoot, that sounds really lame.

She's trying to cut you loose and just doesn't know how to do it. I don't know too many people who want to be left out of any social situation if they're involve with someone. If it were a same age relationship, would her rule still stand, not to mix her personal or her work relations that is.

She's also going through some personal and medical problems, that I can understand...you tend to lose interest in trying to maintain a relationship when all you want to do is stay within yourself. But where does that put you, that's the question you're going to have to ask her when she comes up.

you're going to have to bite the bullet and really have a chat with her and find out where you stand. You both are going to have to make some hard decisions here.

paris

Ok, first of all, I find it hard to comment really, because I don't think I have gotten yet what exactly you are supposed to have done wrong and why, but all in all it seems to me that Lady Spinster is kinda spot on with her assessment.

But just to comment on the "separation of work stuff" issue ...
Originally posted by irparis
... I don't know too many people who want to be left out of any social situation if they're involve with someone. If it were a same age relationship, would her rule still stand, not to mix her personal or her work relations that is....
Just to say that I don't find this all too unusual, actually, I am pretty strict in keeping work and personal stuff separated; always have, will keep doing so and are not overly into being involved into it from my respective S/O either, without having any issues with the relationship, AGR or not ;) So that in itself might not be that out of the ordinary, to me ...

It's just the general feel that it doesn't all look like you are moving into the same direction on any common ground imo :( Sorry to be a downer ... :(

Thanks for taking time to answer my questions. I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you really care about her and don't want to lose the relationship. It is difficult to know where one stands sometimes. If she is having medical problems, it could be really taking more of toll on her than you (or she) realize. I don't know... but just some thoughts about it.

this is where i got immature, whereas i should have been like OK fine, sorry about this, please do whatever, but i didn't want to let her go, i just wanted a rational discussion, she wanted out, so finally i gave up...You are not really saying exactly what the immature part is... did you keep her in the car, when she was really ready to go? If so, then yes, you probably were inconsiderate of her wishes.

I hate to say it, but I too think she is done with the relationship. She has said that her feelings have changed. The sad thing is, once they change it is almost impossible to get them to change back. It does not help to go back and analyze the disagreements to try to make one right or wrong. It simply IS.

IF I WERE YOU, this is what I would do. I would back off any daily conversations. Keep everything light and non-confrontational. Then when you two next see each other, be friendly and a little affectionate, but not overbearing. Let her have some breathing room and see if things can get back on a more romantic keel.
Take care and good luck.
Barbara

thanks everyone for you comments...they're giving me some things to think about...it's hard to fully explain all the details and have them come out clearly relaying the events, so i do expect mixed comments, but however mixed they are they all provide little bits of information...

i think that things are on track...she calls me more often than i call her...we talk like we did in the beginning...things feel good...she's coming down to see me after christmas and asked about taking a little day trip somewhere so things seem like they are back on track...

we never talked about breaking up, just she mentioned that she was having some mixed feelings, and with the other things going on she seemed to not want to be bothered with it...but she's been that way from day one, something i excepted at the jump...

i've noticed though, and maybe someone can comment on this, that whenever she has something negative on her mind about us or me, and she doesn't say anything to me about it, it ends up that she either has these mixed feelings or we end up in an argument (i share the burden of starting arguments as well)...but afterwards, when we talk about it...things seem to clear up...i try to tell her that all she need worry about is to tell me what is on her mind when it concerns us and to not worry about what i might think, to just get an understanding...things have always cleared up...

now this most recent "thing" on her mind she waited a month to say something...we chatted for a few hours in two different conversations and that was it...now seems like things are progressing fine...still have the lingering anxiety that is normal after an argument or uncomfortable talk, but for the most part it's like it was...

my question is, anyone have any insight on that type of holding back of information...not making any character assessments, but maybe some of you reading, male or female, do that and might offer some reasons why you do it and what you hope the outcome would be or think it will be that might make you more open to just give the information freely and not hold it back and build negative feelings up...

hope that makes sense...thanks everyone...:)

my question is, anyone have any insight on that type of holding back of information...not making any character assessments, but maybe some of you reading, male or female, do that and might offer some reasons why you do it and what you hope the outcome would be or think it will be that might make you more open to just give the information freely and not hold it back and build negative feelings up...

I think this is something that I have been guilty of in the past, and have been trying to change about myself in recent years.

#1 I've always hated confrontations. Usually I'll keep quiet about something if it only bugs me a little bit, hoping things will change on their own. As times goes by and things didn't change, I'd start to become more and more irritated which usually ended up in conflicts anyway, or in me making a judgement and then closing myself off emotionally from the individual. Not a good way to go really if you want a healthy relationship.

#2 I've always had the bad habit of "imagining the worst" and I know this about myself, so often I like to let situations play themselves out a bit while I try to assess if it is really a problem or not, rather than coming across like some sort of nag at the drop of a hat.