in love, but need more?

I just want to make clear in the beginning, I am not "money hungry" so it's not about money and goes deeper than that.

I've been dating a man 9 years younger than me for the past year. He is 24 and I am 33.

We actually met 3 years ago, had a brief encounter, in which I was crazy about him. We had instant chemistry, our relationship at this time was purely sexual. I ended up meeting someone "my own age" and that was the end of him and I. The relationship with "my own age" man was horrible. He ended up cheating and in a moment of depression and "self destruction" went out, trying to make myself feel better. We're talking 1 year after my "encounter" with my ym and I had not seen him nor heard from him in that year. The night I went out, I walked into this local pub that I hadn't been in during that year and there he was. Again, it was instant attraction. Since that night, we have been involved in a whirl wind romance.

The first few months, we were "casually dating" while we both saw other people. Both of us, of course, getting jealous but neither of us stopping seeing other people. We continued to see each other 3 - 4 times per week. Sometimes we'd have plans, but then I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of days. Since we weren't in an actual relationship, I didn't voice my opinion. Then something clicked in both of us and we decided we didn't want the other to see anyone else. Since that time, we have been inseperable ....I'd say for about the past 6 months.

He has done some horrible things to me. Such as, one night we were out, I had to leave and he stayed. He was to meet me at my house an hour later. Instead showed up 2 hours later, stating he lost track of time. I found a phone number written on a napkin in his pocket, he explained this woman leaving the pub walked up to him and said "You're hot, call me" handed him the number and left. A couple of weeks later him and I are out shooting pool and this woman walks up and starts screaming at him. Come to find out, it was the same phone number woman and he had slept with her the night before, when he was supposedly "working". ............He continues to tell me how sorry his is ........that he was feeling lonely in our relationship because I'm always pushing him away due to the "age differance" or making him feel like a little kid at times, etc.

For the most part we have worked past what he did with this woman, of course, it's always in the back of my mind, that she was younger and I'm just a "thing" for him. I KNOW he hasn't done anything like this since, as I see him everyday.

I've fallen in love with him but have HUGE reservations. He's constantly telling me how much he loves me, needs me in his life, and wants to get married. How hard he is working to "have me" and "keep me" in his life and to show me he isn't that "type of man anymore" ..........

Above and beyond that issue ..........don't you believe that LOVE isn't the only thing needed in a relationship? Such as, at his young age, he doesn't make much money. Doesn't budget the money he does make very well. Has horrible credit. If we WERE to marry he wouldn't be able to contribute to the household very much, etc.

It also bothers me that right now at 33, I still look pretty young, etc. But what happens down the road .....10 years when I'm 43 and looking it, yet he's only 34 ..........

Do these issues bother anyone else? Part of me can not let him go, but the other part of me, thinks I need something more stable, secure, etc. in my life.

First off, I would start plain and simple by having a "roundtable" meeting with him; sit down and lay your feelings and concerns on the line.

Let him respond and "define" himself and again, see what he really wants to do with his life and relationship with you.

(Caution: the fact that he was supposed to meet with you that one night, and ended up with a phone number and eventually with another girl concerns me a little!)

And remember, this relationship started out as a sexual one not a bf/gf one. At least that's what I'm getting from the post anyway. Though you did say y'all were "inseperable" but was it really clear that y'all made it exclusive?

Either way, be bold and blunt and tell him what you want and need as far as the relationship goes.

And as far as the money, future planning, and his self-sufficiency is concerned, I think if you love each other, those things will work out. It takes two in a relationship/marriage, and you BOTH have to come together to make the relationship work and progress for the better. Good luck!

Just a couple of observations:

1) It looks like your relationship became exclusive out of jealousy, not mutual committment. You say neither of you wanted the other to date other people, rather than neither of you wanted to date other people. That difference is important, IMO.

2) When he was caught cheating he blamed you for it. Saying he did it because of how you were treating him is not taking responsibility for his actions. Does this reflect a greater pattern in his life of blaming others for his mistakes?

I think any purely age-related issues can be resolved, but issues of maturity and responsibility should make you take notice.

Originally posted by PinkPanther_04
Just a couple of observations:

I think any purely age-related issues can be resolved, but issues of maturity and responsibility should make you take notice.

I'm down wit dat!

Originally posted by dontknow
Above and beyond that issue ..........don't you believe that LOVE isn't the only thing needed in a relationship?


Yes, I do, but I wouldn't be as concerned about his ability to earn much money as I would be about his ability to remain faithful to you.

Although your relationship began as a sexual one at first, you did say that the two of you mutually agreed to not see other people. I'm not so sure that I agree with Pink's thought that you made that agreement out of jealousy. It sounds to me like you two did what most couples do when they get to the point where they realize they love each other and you just decided you wanted to be exclusive. If he was with that woman after you made that agreement, well, that's infidelity in my book.

Trust is earned. He needs to understand that if he has violated your trust, he needs to earn it back. His statements about how he rationalizes being unfaithful (ex. those comments about you not completely accepting the age gap), make me feel like he's just using excuses to be unfaithful.

Of course you are going to have concerns about the age gap! Even if it's only 9 years, it's still of concern to you. Worrying about whether he'll still be interested in you when you reach your 40's, or older, is only natural and is a common concern that many other of us OW worry about. He needs to understand that these concerns you have are normal and that given time, and IF he earns your trust, that your worries about how things will be in the future will begin to go away. In other words, if you are able to trust that he means what he says, then you'll stop worrying so much about the age gap.

No, love is not all one needs in a relationship. Love does not conquer all. It requires complete honesty, excellent communication, and commitment from both individuals to make it work.

I agree with Joe. I think a good heart to heart talk may help.

Originally posted by PinkPanther_04
When he was caught cheating he blamed you for it. Saying he did it because of how you were treating him is not taking responsibility for his actions. Does this reflect a greater pattern in his life of blaming others for his mistakes?


This is an unbelievably good point. This is indicative of a person who does not take responsibility for his actions.

The fact that he has bad credit is also... not a great sign of responsibility. Having debt is one thing, having bad credit is something else entirely.

If you stay in a relationship with this guy, I personally don't think you can ever take anything he says at face value. He only admitted to the one affair because he got caught. This guy is untrustworthy and irresponsible. This won't change just because he gets a few years older.

I think you should ditch him. Sorry to be so blunt.

dontknow ~

This does not seem to be an AG related issue - it seems to be a simple issue of moral integrity (or rather, a lack of...).

People go through phases and cycles in their lives and in their relationships. It's ebb and flow, and sometimes we're closer to our sig others than at other times. If I were needing personal space, working a lot, whatever, and my guy used that as an excuse to go out and sleep with someone else, I'd dump him in a second.

Allow me to clarify: There is NO excuse for going out and sleeping with someone else when you are in a committed relationship. My boyfriend would be out on his a** in a split-second, and I would expect to be treated the same way...no matter WHAT the reason for acting like a tramp.

It bothers me that you said that you know he hasn't done anything because you see him every day. Trusting someone is based on an educated decision...it's a choice you make based on what you know about that person, and yourself. We can all doubt each other to kingdom-come because the opportunities to cheat are everywhere. We have to choose to trust the person that we're with.

Sounds like you two have a pretty short leash thing going. Personally, I couldn't live like this - no matter what end of the leash I were on. This is a formula for failure. In order to keep an eye on him, this means no weekends with the girlfriends, or night to yourself, or..? Sounds like self-suffocation for you, and sounds like smothering for him. Also sounds like you two have a lot of drama going.

Lastly, my own personal belief is that if they're going to do it once, they're likely to do it again. I'm sure there are women here that will prove me wrong or at least disagree with me but this is my opinion.

Even if I'm wrong, I'm too old to deal with the drama, etc. anymore. Been there done that over-the-top. It wore me out. :-P~ I'm not ever going to expend that kind of energy on fixing drama when 'normal' issues in any relationship are enough to deal with.

dontknow ~

As far as the money thing, I think that there may be a variety of opinions among the women on this site.

Personally, I think that both people should be doing their best (true best effort) to bring what they can into the household and money should generally be managed for the common good. Expectations can differ from couple to couple depending on circumstances.

Many YM are just starting out and don't make as much as some of us may already make, as is my case. However, my boyfriend works hard, is ambitious and is striving to get ahead quickly - this is his nature. I make more money than he does but not double or anything that far ahead. I pay for a really nice dinner out more often than he does. I don't mind. My past boyfriends have made more money than I do and they paid most of the time (which is more often than I do now). So, why should I mind now? I have no long-term worries about money or if he will bring home the bacon if I'm home having babies.

In fact, I have debt that I'm clearing up. I begged, borrowed and stole to finish college as an adult - and it took me 8 years so I have a decent size loan to pay off. I also ruined my credit while I was struggling to finish college. I'm clearing this up but it is something that I've told my bf about and that he's willing to deal with.

If you're worried about money in the long-term, this is a legitimate concern. Money issues are, (I think?), one of the main areas of contention for couples. But every couple is different and you have to figure out what you're comfortable with.

I'm not one of those women that live in denial or came here looking for answers I already know.

We did not stop seeing other people out of jealousy, we stopped seeing other people because we wanted to be together.

Yes, I have SEVERE reservations / concerns about what he did a few months back. The thought crosses my mind every day. I will say that before this incident, he was (maybe still is?) someone that had always dated alot of women and wasn't ready (didn't want to?) settle down. We have talked about this alot and he SAYS he isn't like that anymore, meeting me has changed his life and made him a better person. He wants to be a better person and would never make that mistake again. Does he mean it? Can people really change? Only time will tell.

His actions, for the most part, are very sincere. He's very caring, loving, attentive. We have the most open, endearing, soul searching conversations. When I'm down, he makes me smile, he's always there when I need him and he honestly puts all my needs in front of his own. I don't think this is a case of me being more into him .......unless I'm totally blind, (which you never know). He always says how excited he is to see me, and that he looks forward to each end of the day just to see my smile. He states he doesn't feel right when we are apart and is unable to sleep if I'm not in his arms.

Does he mean these things? One never knows.

While 9 years might not be that big of an age gap. There are times, when I don' t notice it at all, his openness, ability to carry on mature, lengthy conversations about everything, etc. His level headedness when I am in an "emotional outpour" and his pateince with me never cease to amaze me. However, there are other times, I DO notice that he's only 24. He's still in the stage where he feels we should spend EVERY moment together, which in life, is just not practical. I have responsibilites that must be taken care of and can not have him around 24 / 7. He gets upset when he wants to see me and I say I have something to do. Sometimes, I think it's cute and other times I think if he was older, this would not be the case.

He says the age doesn't matter to him and when / if I start to look differant, (gray hair, wrinkles, etc) that this would not matter to him .................it matters to me for some reason. I keep thinking that it doesn't matter to him NOW because it hasn't happened, but what when it does?

I have a friend here at work, that married a woman 15 years older than him. He does state that while he loves her and wouldn't change a thing, he honestly did not realize how hard it would be. Now that she is at times unable to do the things they used to do ........the things that he still wants to do, etc. And that SHE is constantly obsessing if he's late, what he's doing, afraid that he is going to leave for someone his own age.

Maybe, PROBABLY, if I didn't feel insecure about the incident a few months back, I wouldn't even be questioning his every word. Hmmmm.........

Please keep this thread going...all of the things everyone has said....well gets my wheels turning. I think i want to re read everything.....i love lurking here:D .

Science godess, knowdoubt, nessa, all of you....Thanks...it is so nice to know i am not the only one out there with an age gap, well not just an age gap but alot of the same worries, concerns and doubts....i love my vym. Standing by him until he desides what he wants is not a real worry for me. i just wonder sometimes where he will go.

Trust isnt a concern, i know it wouldnt be over another woman. It might however have something to do with which way he is going to grow....i worry more about him having to leave the state to finish school. I am hanging on to him as long as i have him and never letting go til i have to......loving someone younger than you can be the best experience ever....or the worst, it is all based on love and what you can endure. Personally my younger man has more respect and faith in me then anyone i have ever known.

He's still in the stage where he feels we should spend EVERY moment together, which in life, is just not practical.I don't think that this is a stage in the life cycle. It probably is a stage in the romance cycle. ;) Is he jealous? I hope that is not why he wants you to be with him every minute.

I have had quite a few platonic male friends. And as much as I hate it, they shared with me (a few of them), that they had a one night fling, in the beginning of their romance. One of them, went on and got married and has been faithful ever since. He said he has no problems being monogamous.

Your age-gap will seem less and less the older you get. And since men die earlier, it may be HIM that is being taken care of, not you!

I say, since you love him.... just give it more time and it will become more clear if this is meant to be or not. Good luck!

Originally posted by dontknow
Maybe, PROBABLY, if I didn't feel insecure about the incident a few months back, I wouldn't even be questioning his every word. Hmmmm.........


That's exactly what I was saying to you in my earlier post. It's difficult enough for us OW to feel comfortable in a relationship with a YM for fear that he'll leave us one day for someone younger... but in your case, the fear is amplified by the fact that he cheated on you.

It's his job to rebuild your trust in him. Until he does that, you will feel this way for a long time. It's not impossible, it will just take time.

Hi don't know,

Your post lept out at me because I'm 34 and Stu is 24...pretty much the same age gap as your bf and yourself.

I wanted to make a couple of comments which I hope will help you in some way.

In my opinion the two of you have a fighting chance, but you would be wise to consciously work at making some changes in the area of game playing and communication. Don't worry about aging earlier than him or money issues...the former fear truly disappears in the face of many years of love, and the second can be changed (and will no doubt continue to change throughout your lives).

A lot of younger couples with big social lives can get caught up in the game of keeping other suiters (or suiter-essess) around to make them feel more safe. They don't usually admit that this is whats going on, but the game works all the same. I think this is the dynamic with which the two of you started this relationship, and because it led to what you both want (the safety of a relationship), both of you have not quite let go of feeling the need for it.

So I think what happened is that your bf has subconsciously taken onboard that if he makes you jealous and dates other women, he will hold your interest. Hence, he found it difficult to put the brakes on with this other woman. Jealousy is how he bagged you afterall.

But as you know, this game only works for a while before one person leaves or the game becomes emotionally violent and cruel for both people. And it only works if you both are attractive......otherwise the other person `loses' their `power' in the dynamic. I think you know this. And I also think that this is why you fear losing your looks before your bf You would not be as successful in the `game'. You are not game player as such, not consciously, but you are still soemwhat attached to this dynamic.

The solution is to rigorously stop these unconscious games. And I believe for most people they are truly `beneath the surface ' kind of dynamics that are barely acknowledged, and yet define everything about the relationship.

Its better to say `I'm afraid to lose you, how can we work on this together?' than to try to keep your lover interested by triggering their fear of loss.

All relationships can change. I would think that more honest and open communication will help you both (in area of sharing your feelings for each other and how you really feel about you partners having opposite sex relationship with others). Never be too proud or power-conscious to tell your lover how much they mean to you and how much you want them to stay. This kind of honesty is what creates the love we all crave in our lives.