advice, opinions, your take on my situation, please!!!!

Wordy. but the info is necessary. Sorry.:o

About 3 weeks ago my daughter introduced me to a friend who is about 3 years older than she. She had mentioned his name a few times, and told me he was really nice to look at. When I walked in and saw him, all I could think was "wow...you're beautiful!", LOL! Anyway, we hit it off immediately, and conversation didn't lag at all during the evening. The three of us talked awhile at her apartment (they're both philosophy majors, so there's always something to discuss), then went to dinner, then to an off-campus coffeehouse. I live about 1/2 hour away, and decided I needed to head home--the friend was ready to leave, too. I drove him back to his car, and which point we did the usual "nice to meet you"s. Then he asked "are you leaving?". I thought this was odd, since we were in the middle of a parking lot, so I told him yes, and left.

The next Friday night my daughter called me and asked if I wanted to come over and watch movies with her and her friends. I had just finished up a ten hour work shift, and was exhausted, but when she told me THAT friend was there, and seemed to really want me to come over, I had second thoughts. Then he got on the phone with me and informed me I should come over, and that he was SURE my daughter wouldn't mind if I stayed over, since I was tired. Of course, I went. We talked a lot--when their other friends went outside to smoke, he stayed inside and talked with me. He sat on the sofa beside me, and stayed until after 4 a.m., long after everyone else had left.

The next week, the three of us had dinner again, then he suggested we all go for coffee so we could continue talking in a quieter setting. Afterward, I asked if he was coming to my daughter's apt.. He hesitated, then said he really shouldn't, since he had a paper due, but since I had invited him, he couldn't refuse, or we could go to his home (he lives with his family still, but they were out of town). My daughter is very self-involved and didn't realize he and I both wanted to continue the evening. She had to work the next morning and declined the invitation for us both. Since she had driven, I told him it was nice to see him again...yada yada...I didn't feel comfortable saying "well, she needs to get home, but I could come back", but believe me I thought about it.

He never takes his eyes off mine when we're talking. He stayed with me in the history section of a bookstore when my daughter went into the philosophy section...even after she repeatedly came over and interrupted, he stayed there to talk with me.

My dilemna is this: I'd really like to see him again, and it would be just fine with me if my daughter wasn't along :D , but if I'm reading more into his attention than is there, it might be awkward for him if I call up and ask him to go do something, and then it might create an awkwardness between him and my daughter. There isn't anything between them at all other than friendship, but I wouldn't want to hurt that. Also, I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable around me. As for myself, I'm somewhat overweight, and very insecure about that, as well as wondering why on earth someone his age and attractiveness would be interested, although I can see that a lot of girls his age would seem immature to him. Maybe I am just reading into it, but it feels like there's something there when I'm around him.

Any advice or input is welcomed!!!! Please!

Lisa

Yep, I think he likes you too...

First off, ask your daughter how she feels. I have a niece who is 22 and she has a friend who she's gone to school with since they were 8...they're both the same age but he's in the military and last Christmas there was alot of staring between the two of us. I haven't seen him since he join the military 4 years ago...homeboy has grown and mature in a good way.

Would I pursue it...no...it is my niece's friend and I feel I should have some level of respect for her friends which might include hanging out with her and her crew and she might change attitudes on me because of it. Although she has no problems with my dating ym, its whole different ballgame when its one of her friends as that is her inner circle...I don't blame her, at her age I didn't want my aunts hanging with me let alone my parents.

Pass it by her daughter and see what she thinks. You seem to have a good relationship with her and she might be able to feel him out for you. Also, consider that he might be interested in only sex and you're a convienent person since you're the mother of a friend.

but if he sounds sincere and it works out well, call him up and ask him out for pizza or something. Don't hold back.

Paris

Shes right, (Paris) I would ask your daughter what she thought about a possibility between the two of you and the good thing is.... If she knows him that well,,, she can give you the update and save you the trouble.

Sounds great to me, how good would it be to have a daughter that you get on so well with,... Lucky you!!

Tinks:)

Thank you both for your input. I'm not sure about talking to my daughter first. One, she doesn't want to know if I so much as have a romantic thought, much less sexual. She'll talk to me about her relationships, but, frankly if it isn't about her, she just isn't interested. (I'm hoping she'll outgrow that. I love her dearly, but I'm not blind to her less attractive qualities, LOL!) Two, she would probably do everything she could to shoot down my confidence. If I knew for sure he was interested (and I really don't think it would be a "just for sex" thing for him--believe me, any guy who looks the way he does wouldn't have a problem finding willing partners with much more attractive bods than mine!!! Too, he seems to be somewhat conservative--he says "old-fashioned"-- about relationships, based on what he's said about my daughter's current situation), I'd be more comfortable talking to her about it. I have no doubt she'd give me grief about the age difference, regardless of the fact that her most recent boyfriend was 13 years older than she, as is her current interest. Her father remarried in July, to a girl who's only about 6 or 7 years older than my daughter, but I think both those situations are examples of that lovely double standard that says it's okay for the man to be older, but not the woman.

I'm going Monday to see her, and thought about calling him to see if he'd like to get coffee or maybe see a movie. (I wouldn't feel too weird asking my daughter if she thought he'd go for that, but I don't feel comfortable revealing the extent of my interest right now.) If nothing else, I do know that he likes talking to me, so maybe that wouldn't be too weird, even if there's no other interest on his part. It's been so long since I had a relationship or even dated (nearly 5 years), that the very thought makes me nervous. Come to think of it, my last relationship was with a guy who was 6 1/2 years younger. It was probably the best relationship I've had.

Oh well,,

Then I guess you just take one step at a time and see where it leads...... movies... coffee... sounds good.

And you never know perhaps your daughter will approach you about it of her own accord for she may eventually pick up on any vibes that are floating between the two of you.

Its so nice for you to be in this situation after so long..... good for you.... I hope its an enjoyable experience.... Love those first times!!!!

Tinka:)

LOL, Tinkabell--I just hope I really AM in this situation, and not imagining it!!!!

as with most things.....time will tell!

i wouldn't be too worried about the weight issue. my experience has been that if a guy is into you, he's into you. the weight problem is in YOUR head, not in his.

my most recent b/f of three years was thin and 6', and i'm average ht. and fairly chunky. he loved me that way. he'd always look at girls that were skinny and comment that they looked awful. there are guys that just like women who are a bit heavier than average, and it's just lucky that they do!

I think personally I would just call him up one day and ask him to meet you for a drink or coffee. See what his reaction is when you're doing the asking, and when your daughter definitely won't be there. If you end up seeing him again after that, you could casually mention it to your daughter. sounds to me like he's really into you, but if by some chance he's just interested in being friends, you won't have "rocked the boat" for nothing with her. Good luck! It sounds like you are really enjoying this and having a good time with those fun, butterfly-like feelings!

....... I guess we shall just have to wait and see,

Don't feel self consciouse...... When you like someone, you don't even notice the things they are so busy trying to hide.... because 'they' are busy trying to hide stuff about themselves from you!!! Lol

I had pigmentation on my face for quite a while.... and when I finally told my friends they came up close, peered at me, and said.... Nah.... What pigmentation.... didn't even notice it.... Anyway, as I was saying, blah blah..... Lol

Tink

Originally posted by SuzieQ71
It sounds like you are really enjoying this and having a good time with those fun, butterfly-like feelings!

Feels more like really big hyperactive fruit bats...but in a good way!

I have an excellent realationship with my daughter and if I told her I liked one of her friends, or thought he liked me, she'd tried to hook us up...in fact...she already has.

I've been very open with her about how much I like younger men (rather hard to do since her father was one) and she's been very supportive because she wants one thing: My happiness.

Power to you, and good luck!

Personally, I'd flirt heavily with him (without making too much of a fool out of myself) and let him make the first move - especially after his comment of being "old-fashioned". Besides, letting him pursue a bit will give you a hint if he just wants sex and if he's really interested, so you don't jump the gun.

Thank you all for the welcomes.

My daughter is also 19, and still thinks if it isn't about her, it isn't important, LOL!!!

I made the horrendous mistake today of mentioning to my mother while I was at her house that I was planning to call up this young man tomorrow while I'm in his town. She pulled the most horrible scowling face! I thanked her for her support and reminded myself this is why I should keep more to myself. (I've seen that scowl many times before.);)

In the meantime, I realized last night I have the perfect way to initiate the phone call without awkwardness. Last week while we all were in the bookstore together, my daughter showed us a book of quotes from various philosophers that she thought was just wonderful. He asked me in an aside if I'd like to go in on it with him to get it for her for Christmas. I haven't a clue what the title was (okay, I was distracted), so I really do need to ask him, and I can ask him if he'd like to meet me there to get the book. At that point, moving on to coffee or something to eat would be easy; in fact, he's the one who suggested going for coffee last time so we could continue talking. Now I just have to figure out how to subdue the fruit bats and muster my courage...:eek: eeek!

hmmm...the book angle is perfect - and sincere. But I'd still let him make the first move otherwise!

*cracks the whip* Down bats, down!

I'll hold them back while you go call! Hurry, they're looking at me like I might have apples in my shirt!

I feel for you completely.

My son was 17 and his friend, 18 1/2, had been hanging around the house. I (43 at the time) had talked to him some and found him quite intelligent.

Then one night I actually flirted (this guy was sooooooooo shy and quiet and I am off the charts nutty n wacky) Then when Mr. Quiet and shy had no reaction whatsoever and I felt like a fool... of course ...an old fool.


Then had mentioned to my son when this fella was over that I thought he was kinda hot. (couple glasses of red wine liquid courage)

I was pretty darned lonely and so with my lil extra red wine courage and my son pushing and prodding me to, and saying, I quote "go for it mom", I asked this friend if he would hold me.

Next thing I knew Mr shy guy was rockin' my world (and I was rockin a bit back) and 3 days later he left the bedroom.

So I am crazy and dont say this is the best tack to take but we have been together every second for the past 2 1/2 yrs.

Good luck and I suggest you listen to the sensible folks in this forum because they seem to think things through pretty good and are really smart.

I guess I am just one of those spit in the wind and go for it folks who got lucky.

Seems like this bloke is kinda hot for you so you are most likely gonna be ok to show your interest.

Hope it works out. Let us know.

I would strongly encourage you to work up the nerve and honesty to discuss this with your daughter *before* acting on it. My daughter is 18. I adore her. I believe we are very close. However, I know she doesn't tell me everything. Its the nature of the early adult-hood beast. I also know that people are extremely territorial. I know that a good-looking, very close friend of the opposite sex is often some kind of a potential romance in disguise.

Making a move on her bud, without her knowledge, is a sure-fire way to trouble with your daughter in my opinion. I understand your point about her not wanting to face your sexuality, however I would urge you to put that aside and talk with her openly as soon as possible.

I don't think its necessary to say I want to have sex with X. Can't you say something like... I think X is very sweet and I'm thinking of asking him out for coffee. I'm interested in getting to know him better. Even this small confidence will be enough to prompt real communication on the subject. You should give her the opportunity to know this first. Anything else seems sneaky, distrustful, and I'm sure will feel like a terribly violation to your daughter. Remember that competition with your daughter is a 100% certain path to the biggest loss of your life...

Now E.F. I think that even though your daughter has her character defects, that you should not cater to them. The best relationships are built on honesty. So I would be upfront and tell her you want to get to know him better. If she balks at that, then IF it were ME, I would leave it alone because he is HER friend.

You said you haven't dated in a long time. That is not good... :p Have you joined any organizations or done any personal ads? There is no reason not to have a fun social life. I wish you the best of luck.
Barbara

Originally posted by kimmy
But your daughter surely knows there is something there. i mean, if she tried to get him away from you at the bookstore, she *knows* he's diggin' you. Plus, he made a request for you to meet them.

She knows.


If she tried getting him away from you at the bookstore, then I would have taken that as a clear indication that my daughter has some interest in this young man and I would have backed WAY, WAY, WAY off.

There is knowing and then there is knowing... for me... nothing is more important than my kid... thats something I wouldn't ever take lightly. I'd want to make 100% sure that it was known and approved of. If it couldn't be approved of, then I would move on. A man can be replaced. A daughter cannot.

Well, as things have turned out, my daughter called me last night to make plans for today. She wants me to go out to dinner with her and her current "interest" a 30-something professor. I told her I thought I'd feel like a 3rd wheel (on a bike, that is, LOL) and asked if she'd invite someone else along. Guess who she immediately suggested?

I may have misrepresented something--I wouldn't pursue an actual romantic relationship with her friend without her knowing, but I would like to have a chance to talk to him without her around and find out if there's anything to pursue before I let her in on my thoughts on the subject. Also, in the bookstore, it wasn't that she was trying to get HIS attention away from me, it was just that she wanted to have BOTH our attention. She really like to be the center of things.

I've talked to them both separately about their feelings for each other. Both had the same reaction--NO. They both said they think of each other more as best friends or even with sibling-ish affection.

Also--at this point, my interest in him is far more intellectual than sexual, although I readily admit I find him gorgeous. (I work with adults with mental retardation, and so most of my time is spent with people whose conversation, while sometimes very entertaining, isn't usually challenging. (I don't mean to belittle them in any way.) ) I would want to take any physical relationship really slowly, both in deference to his age and to my insecurity about my physical self.

As for joining organizations or doing personal ads, I'm not a joiner. I'm usually peopled out by the end of my work week, and the personal ads I've done and read for folks in my area aren't promising. Where I live, most of the guys I meet are into NASCAR and wrestling, and frankly, that's just not me. I thought I'd met someone a couple of years ago--he seemed perfect, and invited me to do several things with him--called me a couple times a week, etc...then when it came down to it, he told me he could never be attracted to me because of my weight. I wear a 14--it's not like I'm HUGE. I realized at that point he wasn't who I thought he was. This new guy has heard that story (he made the statement he didn't understand why women would risk their health to lose weight, so I told him the story) and informed me anyone who'd feel that way didn't deserve my consideration...

Okay all sounds good to me... I'd still talk to my kid first though. Why is it so hard to say to your daughter... I think I'm grooving on Elliott (love that name btw... even gave it as a middle name to my last baby! :D)?

I still think its a good idea to have that convo and soon. Why is it necessary to know that there is a relationship there before telling her you have an interest? Seems to me only natural to share the interest... since you met through her... natural and respectful?

That was my guess ;)... could be wrong tho

Hmm....when I saw her name I thought she was referring to Bill Elliott...ironically, a NASCAR driver isn't he? :D

(Amina, George Eliot has one L and one T.. :))

BTW, it sounds like you have a fun thing going on here EF, hope it works out. :)

I don't want to talk to my daughter first because I know her, and she would never let me live it down if there isn't anything, and if there is, she would probably do everything she could to shoot me down. Not because she's interested in him; not because she doesn't want me to ge happy; just because she has to take the wind out of my sails at every opportunity. I hadn't wanted to just put it that way before because it sounds really negative, but unfortunately, it's how it usually works. I hope she outgrows it, but she is one of those who often has to put down others to feel good. She's been seeking some psychiatric help, and I really hope it works. It strikes me she can't be very happy if she needs to do that, and I want her to be happy.

Elliott--I've tried to find a way to redo my user name to clarify that, but I'll just explain it here, LOL. Elliott Smith--singer/songwriter/no longer with us. I do groove on him, Marcy, he's just not who you thought he was:). For the record, though, I do admire George Eliot as well. Ahead of her time, she was, LOL!

If anyone is interested in finding out more about him:
www.sweetadeline.net

By the way, does this sweater make me look fat? :p

No... it doesn't.

If your daughter really is that complex, then I would steer clear of any personal meetings with her friend/s. If you are too tired to join anything and all you do is go to work and hang with your daughter some, then it might be a long while before you will date, if ever. I don't mean to sound negative, but one usually has to do something or BE somewhere, to meet people.

Maybe it isn't that important to you, but if you are willing to risk problems with your daughter, then it sounds like to me that it is.

I worked with mentally challenged people at my church many years ago. You are right, while it is very rewarding, it is also draining to some degree. So I hope you will change your mind and at least find some weekend things you can do...
Good luck and take care.
Barbara

Originally posted by yellowrose
If your daughter really is that complex, then I would steer clear of any personal meetings with her friend/s. ....

Maybe it isn't that important to you, but if you are willing to risk problems with your daughter, then it sounds like to me that it is.


Strongly agree...

Originally posted by yellowrose
No... it doesn't.

If you are too tired to join anything...

It isn't a matter of being too tired to join anything, it's that I wouldn't know what to join. I've looked through all the listings I can find in my area for get-together groups, singles, etc...unless you're looking for "christian singles" or "racing fans" or "country music fans", there's not a lot to choose from. I'm smack in the middle of the bible belt, and it's too tight, LOL!. I'm not a terribly social person by nature, and that makes the thought of seeking out a group of strangers even less desirable. (Yes, I know everyone is a stranger at first.) I think that's why when I DO meet someone who stimulates my brain, I want to find out what's there.

Ok, if your daughter is so complex...not telling her until something develops with this ym is going to make her go ape wall. Its going to come out of left field for her and she's not going to take it very well.

I agree with Marcy...except I will be a bit more blunt, get a backbone and tell your daughter how you feel. If she starts raking you over the coals let her know who you are and what's acceptable bahaviour and what's not. You are HER mother and have every right to be as happy as she is without having to be afraid of what to say to her. As she has her own b/f, this is not about her, but about what this could mean to you in the long run.

As for the ym, if he has your number I'm sure he will call but you don't know what his perception is on calling you up, "his friends' mom". He may be feeling awkward too and may not know how to proceed with this.

So calling him on the book deal seems like a good idea. Go ahead and do it. I take it you don't see each other very much except with your daughter so it doesn't sound like you're desparate...go ahead and call him. Stop analyzing it and just do it. Nothing venture, nothing gain.

Paris

hey there
i am a 44 year old woman with a 30 year old attractive man
crazy about me so he say's
flattered but very confused
at first i did not even give it a second thought about the whole situation but the last few times i have seen him i cant stop thinking about him. my heart flutters and that has not happened in a long time.

Hmm.. I still say that her daughters friends are off limits unless she let her know first.... This could cause a loss of friendship on the daughters part as well as more of a rift with the Mother in the long run. I would never go with a VERY GOOD FRIEND of any of my children even though they are all grown unless it was ok with them first.

Wow, Paris, I never realized I was spineless. I thought it was just that I wanted to get a better idea of how he felt first so I'd know if there was even a point in discussing it with her. If there's nothing there on his part, no reason to throw in something to make the situation more uncomfortable.

As it turned out, when I arrived at my daughter's home, she hadn't so much as even bothered to call her friend, the YM. I decided to ask her not directly how she would feel if I called him up and invited him to go somewhere with me, because I knew that whether or not it would bother her, she'd give me some kind of answer like "why would that bother me?" and then give me a dozen reasons why I'd just be making a fool of myself if I did it. Instead, I asked her if she thought it would "weird him out" if I called with an invite. Before I was finished with the last word, she gave me a very emphatic "YES". When I asked why, she informed me he is very socially maladapted and doesn't go out without her, and that it would be okay if she went along as well, but otherwise he would just be too uncomfortable. She kept putting off calling him until about 20 minutes before we were supposed to meet her boyfriend, then finally informed me "well, you could call". So, I did. No answer, left a message. I also called another of her friends (who I HAVE gone places with alone, and that was okay, LOL)--same scenario. Well, we got ready to leave, and as we stepped out the door, guess who was coming up the walk??? He hadn't gotten my message, but had come by to see if she was sick, since she had missed class. He was more than happy to go with us, and drove. My daughter took the back seat, so I was in front with the YM.

Dinner was somewhat awkward--keep in mind my daughter's boyfriend has both of them in class, and it's something of a conflict of interest that he's seeing her (not to mention that he's separated, but still legally married...), but not bad in all. At one point the YM said something that voiced concern about my daughter, and I teasingly said "see---you really do have those feelings for her". His reply was to lean in and say "yes, right. of course. It's HER I have feelings for...". He's very good with sarcasm. ;)

After dinner (daughter's boyfriend picked up the check), YM and I had a moment alone in his car while my daughter was talking with her boyfriend, who had to go home to do grading. I told YM I'd thought about calling him over the weekend to invite him to a nearby town, Asheville, for the day, but was glad I hadn't. He looked crestfallen. I then explained my daughter's theory that he would have thought that too strange. He said "no, I wouldn't. I'd like to do that". Nothing more was mentioned about it at that point.

We went to a local bar/pub with another of the professors we picked up along the way, and were joined by the other friend I had called earlier. When he came in, there were two seats available, one beside me, and one between my daughter and the YM, across the table. YM stood and said "you can have my seat", then jokingly told the friend when he sat next to me "fine, but keep your hands on the table."

After several rounds of "philosopher charades", we decided to call it a night and went back to my daughter's apt--daughter, friend, YM, and me. YM and I sat on the sofa side by side, friend left shortly later, YM stayed until I said I was leaving. He said he would walk out with me to get something I'd left in his car. We said our goodbyes to my daughter and went to his car. He gave me the card I'd left, and said, "So, Asheville?" I asked if he really wanted to go, he said yes, but after semester end would be best for him. I told him just to let me know when, and we'd work it out (realized later he doesn't have my number). We said our goodbyes, and did that lingering-look-as-you- walk-away thing. All in all, it was quite a nice evening; I just wish it hadn't been on a work night. Ah well. Who knows what will come of this, but I look forward to finding out. At the least, I think a friendship, and that's fine. Whatever it is, I'm more than willing for it go s-l-o-w-l-y. The age thing bothers me--not in terms of chronology, but in life-experience. I think he's been rather sheltered.

Yeah, but it sounds like he wants to get "unsheltered" !!!!

YYYYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


********song*******



Lets hear it for the girl... la la la la oh oh uh oh uh...... Lets give the girl a hand hand hand yeah oh uh, oh oh uh uh.......(repeat 1st chorus)


Tinkerbell:)

________________________________________________
(quote): I just don know....... those fighting cats!!!

ALLLTOOGETHER NOW....

******song******



LLLLeeeettss hear it for the boy... la la oh uh oh uh oh...,, Lets give the boy a haaand hand haand.....oh uh oh uh uh....


Perhaps?

Tinka:)

___________________________________________
(Quote): I jus don know...... those fighting cats!!!!!!

Originally posted by Tinkabell
ALLLTOOGETHER NOW....

******song******


And there I thought you were going Beatles on me...well, there ya go. Yoko was older than John...LOL!

Well, I don't see it as a problem if the YM says it's better to go later. I think it actually shows some maturity, because a college student's first priority should be his/her studies. Just before Christmas is often most intense, because schools give their finals then and papers are due, all at the same time. And then there's prepping for holidays and frequently, travel. It's a huge time crunch.

However, I am really surprised that nobody has brought up the ethics of your daughter's boyfriend, elliottfan. He could lose his job if he's seeing a student!! It is VERY ill-advised. (It only makes it worse that he's still legally married, although I realize we don't know all the details of that.) In my book this guy gets a grade of D in Maturity 101. So much for age being a measure of wisdom. :rolleyes:

Finally, I hear you on your daughter's attitudes about things and about you. I have family members who look at life through an extremely weird lens where nothing I do is EVER satisfactory, and they have their own...unique...view of "reality." Nothing can sway them from their insistence about how things are, it's an absolute nightmare experience to try to get them to see things differently. Then, when I forget and assume they will act like normal humans, they can absolutely floor me with rude and evil acts that come straight out of their twisted points of view. But since these people are family members, there isn't a whole lot to be done but acknowledge the different universes we live in.

So, I take your daughter's statement about YM's social skills with a big grain of salt. Do keep it in mind, but most definitely judge him on what YOU see and not what she says. People looking through the bizarre lenses that they do will come up with stuff like that which make sense to -them-, but if you are living in a different universe, you have to see for yourself. After all, this is the daughter who is right in the middle of the classic NO-NO of dating her (semi-married) professor. Her judgment is suspect.

Originally posted by kimmy
As far as the daughter/prof relationship, I'm sure most of us who read that part thought the same thing. But we wanted to stay focused on the op's situation.

We can only fix so many problems, ya know.;)

Yep, sure, I totally see your point. As a former academic I just had to though. I wouldn't have brought it up so strongly had the daughter -and- the professor not seemed to be such an integral part of the story (and him being the YM's prof as well....), -and- had the daughter's peculiar stance on several matters not been practically another character unto itself. ;)

I also called another of her friends (who I HAVE gone places with alone, and that was okay, LOL)--same scenario Well, it looks like what will be will be with your YM.

However, I don't think it is healthy to have your daughter as your only means of a social life. Maybe your daughter's caustic comment are because she feels she has to include you in her social circle???? You really don't see how this is not healthy for her?

Your profile stated that you enjoy writing and photography. You are in a college town, I take it. So take some classes. Find out where a poetry group is. I live in the Bible belt too but there are tons of things to do that does not involve Jesus.

And I agree about the daughter boyfriend. Geez.... And he isn't even divorced yet.... but I am too tired to type on this anymore...

Wow, Paris, I never realized I was spineless. I thought it was just that I wanted to get a better idea of how he felt first so I'd know if there was even a point in discussing it with her. If there's nothing there on his part, no reason to throw in something to make the situation more uncomfortable.

Actually I was talking about the daughter and her behaviour with you and how it seems you let her get away with her talking to you like cheap rubber. but i see now that you both spend so much time together that there isn't a clear line on who's the mother and who's the daughter, so she proably speaks to you as if you were one of her friends. And we all know that at times we're not very respectful to our friends at that age.

He clearly shows interest and the fact that she poo-poo the idea shows that not only is she into herself (the ym will only go out with only her....give me a break) but catty to boot (I'm glad you let him know what your daughter said about him, but isn't this a bit high schoolish). What her professor b/f sees in her is beyond me except that isn't it convenient to have his booty call right in the class with him.

yellowrose said it best:

However, I don't think it is healthy to have your daughter as your only means of a social life. Maybe your daughter's caustic comment are because she feels she has to include you in her social circle???? You really don't see how this is not healthy for her?

And its not just that its unhealthy for her, its unhealthy for you...what happens if you do hit it off with this ym and date him for awhile, break up and have to see him around, or your daughter can't make any more "dates" with you, the professor and the ym because now all of yous will feel uncomfortable. Who do you think the daughter is going to blame? Will your daughter again introduce you to any of her young male friends?

I think what Yellow/r is saying is that its great that you have the kind of relationship with your daughter to hang out with her, but I just wonder if you have a separate identity from her. And to do so you should call this guy up yourself instead of through your daughter. He should have time to go for mocha latte at Starbuck's, go ask him. If he says yes, tell your daughter and advise her that unless she has anything positive to say, she shouldn't throw stones. Be firm, stand your ground, clear the line.

Paris

Originally posted by kimmy
I didn't realize that she wanted to go to Ashville right away.

I didn't realize that either, LOL! His wanting to wait until after finals didn't bother me at all. I, like Goldiecat, take that as a sign of maturity and having his priorities in line. As for my daughter painting such a picture of his social abilities, I just think she wants to be in control.

Originally posted by yellowrose
However, I don't think it is healthy to have your daughter as your only means of a social life. Maybe your daughter's caustic comment are because she feels she has to include you in her social circle???? You really don't see how this is not healthy for her?

Your profile stated that you enjoy writing and photography. You are in a college town, I take it. So take some classes. Find out where a poetry group is. I live in the Bible belt too but there are tons of things to do that does not involve Jesus.

My daughter is not my only means of a social life, and I'm not aware that she feels she has to include me. Much more often than not, she doesn't. Yes, if that were the case, I could see that it's not healthy for her. I see her when she invites me over. I don't go there uninvited. I see her on average perhaps twice a month. The last few weeks have been a rare exception, when I have seen her once a week.

I don't live in a college town. I would love to take some classes. I love to learn, and if I could find a way to make a living as a professional student, I'd do it. Maybe I could fit them in and drive the 30-40 minutes to the local college after the ten hour work day, which ends at 6:00 p.m., the Wednesday and Friday evenings with my mother who was widowed last year and is now alone, laundry and housework day on the weekend, Sunday ususally at least part time helping my Mom with errands, and Monday doing my own errands outside the house. As for paying for classes, after my bills are paid and groceries, gas, and pet supplies bought, I usually have between $75 and $100 dollars left for the pay period, and I don't qualify for financial aid other than loans. I don't want to incur any more debt until I can get what I owe now paid, but still, I do have that option. Poetry really isn't my thing, but I suppose that's not much of an excuse for not getting out there and joining a group. Originally posted by Elliottfan I've looked through all the listings I can find in my area for get-together groups, singles, etc...unless you're looking for "christian singles" or "racing fans" or "country music fans", there's not a lot to choose from. I'm not a terribly social person by nature, and that makes the thought of seeking out a group of strangers even less desirable. I guess that's no excuse either. I should get out there and become a joiner, even if it it's not my nature and the thought makes me cringe. I'm glad there are groups in your area that aren't Jesus-based, but I'm not exaggerating--here, they are VERY few and far between.

[i] Originally posted by irparis [i] (I'm glad you let him know what your daughter said about him, but isn't this a bit high schoolish). Yes, very high-schoolish, if not jr. high. Unfortunately I tend either not to say anything or to say everything. In retrospect I DO see how I could have handled that much better; there have been many times in my life I've wished I'd come equipped with "backspace" and "edit" options.

Well, I'm definitely getting lots of advice on how to deal with my daughter, if not how to deal with the YM, and the experience has been a good one. I truly do appreciate everyone's concern and input, even when I don't agree with it or feel it works for me. :)

Hey Els

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Well, I'm definitely getting lots of advice on how to deal with my daughter, if not how to deal with the YM, and the experience has been a good one. I truly do appreciate everyone's concern and input, even when I don't agree with it or feel it works for me.

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The daughter stuff is something that you need to address anyway, I think, and it may end up effecting your future relationships, 'and' you...SO....... I guess thats what these ladies are pointing at.

Any one thing in our lives , whilst not relating to a specific thing, can still effect the way we deal with 'other' issues...

Does that make sense, cos sometimes I have articulating problems!!!

Tinks:)

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Im just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll, no longer riding on that merrygo round, oh, I just had to let it go.......oh uh oh uh oh

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hi elliott fan,

are you very far from asheville? i live about half an hour away, and go there for the entertainment/socializing/work that is not as available where i live...i feel ya on living in a small town in the south, there's not too much going on here either.

i hope things work out with your daughter, and if not with the young man, at least maybe you will be more open to similar options in the future?

so...you have his number, did you have a chance to talk to him about splitting the book with her?

OMG, he is sooo definately into you! That line to the friend about keeping his hands on the table...classic!

Jeremy started doing the same thing before we started dating - almost like a lion staking out it's territory before going in for the kill! He would tell guys that were trying to flirt with me to "stop bothering his woman". I thought it was so cute. The guys at the bar didn't like it though! :p

As far as your daughter, I really think that you should see if anything sparks with the ym first. If it looks like it is actually going forward, tell her right away that you are both interested in each other. She can't argue how "silly" you are if he's already confirmed that he likes you, too! She'll have a little harder time protesting it if her dear friend has feelings for you, because then it's not just her mother being weird! ;)

(Personally, I don't think it's any of her business who either one of you are with. I know that's not PC here, but she's a grown woman, not 6 years old. If my mother wanted to date someone my age I'd say, "You go, girl!" and that would have been the same even before I got with my ym.)

Originally posted by calybo
hi elliott fan,

are you very far from asheville? i live about half an hour away, and go there for the entertainment/socializing/work that is not as available where i live...i feel ya on living in a small town in the south, there's not too much going on here either.

so...you have his number, did you have a chance to talk to him about splitting the book with her?

I'm about 1- 1 1/2 hours from Asheville. Love it, love it, love it. I'm in Bristol (go NASCAR:p), and it's not that small in terms of population, there's just NOTHING going on here. I go to some live bluegrass things sometimes, but that's about all there is here in-town. Well, there's the Birthplace of Country Music Museum, but...after you've seen it, you've seen it. There are a few bars, but that's not really my "scene" either. Have you ever been to Jack of the Wood in Asheville? It's great--live Irish music sessions on Sunday evenings.

I did talk to him about the book--he had already found something else for her, but was willing to go in on the book still, or let me share in giving the one he'd gotten her. Since I already had some other things for her it wasn't really an issue.

Originally posted by Kristin

As far as your daughter, I really think that you should see if anything sparks with the ym first. If it looks like it is actually going forward, tell her right away that you are both interested in each other.

(Personally, I don't think it's any of her business who either one of you are with. I know that's not PC here, but she's a grown woman, not 6 years old. If my mother wanted to date someone my age I'd say, "You go, girl!" and that would have been the same even before I got with my ym.)

That's pretty much my feeling about it, all the way around. She certainly doesn't feel like SHE has to have MY permission for anything. I don't see the point in telling her I'm interested until I know for sure if there's anything other than that to tell. If he ISN'T really interested, it would only make it awkward for her to be around us both, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if she told him how I felt, which would then make HIM uncomfortable. If something DOES come of it, of course I would talk to her about it, and early on. I just don't see that she needs to be in on it before there's anything to be in on. So far, she's been right there to witness everything; she'd have to be blind not to have seen any of it.

Originally posted by elliottfan
So far, she's been right there to witness everything; she'd have to be blind not to have seen any of it.

Bingo! I saw that, too. She's even been the instigator a couple of times, from what I can tell from your posts.

I think you're right on track and are a level-headed person - go with the instinct you've had from the beginning.

And always remember that you have a right to be happy too - I hope he's the start of a great thing for you! :D

that would certainly be nice. Now if I can just get past feeling like a pedaphile, LOL!!!

Lisa!!! Shame on you! LOL

He's of legal age! :D

What is your age difference again?

BTW - It's so hard to read your obviously female posts and have a guy's image associated with it. It's got my brains all mish-mashed!

And he's cute too, so that really screws me up!
LOL :D

Originally posted by Kristin


And he's cute too, so that really screws me up!
LOL :D

Elliott? Ain't he just? Or rather, wasn't he just?

As for the AG--18 years. Yike. It's not really the age difference that bothers me as much as it's the difference in the ages, if that makes sense--the differences in life experience and where each of us is in life, not the chronological difference.

Who're you callin' a whelp?????:p

In the very limited amount of time I've been around the YM of my interest, I've been impressed by the fact that we learn from each other, and appreciative of the fact that he seems genuinely interested in what I have to say. We share an interest in history, and had a great time in the bookstore sharing facts and recommending books, LOL!!! He has more to share in terms of formal education that I missed out on earlier while I was gaining life experience; I have more in life experience--it seems to balance out the conversations really well so far. As I've said before, if I end up with nothing more than a new friendship with someone I (seem to) relate to really well, I'll consider it good fortune. If more comes of it, wonderful; if not, so be it.

Why don't you just have him meet you at the bookstore to help you pick out a present for your daughter? And have a cup of coffee? And then find out once and for all if he wants to have an individual friendship with you or not?

It doesn't seem to me that the bookstore errand is a big deal in and of itself, and I see no point to getting into a thing with your daughter unless you know whether he genuinely wants to explore a friendship with you.

Originally posted by Desert Spring
I see no point to getting into a thing with your daughter unless you know whether he genuinely wants to explore a friendship with you.

That's how I see it, too. I'm sending him a Christmas card and putting in a note saying I realized after I left him last week that I'd told him to let me know when he wanted to go to Asheville, but hadn't given him my number (which is true--for whatever reason it didn't show up on his caller ID when I called and left a message inviting him to dinner with us). So I'll include it and see what happens. He seemed sincere enough about going. Classes have ended; finals are this coming week.

I can't wait to hear the end of this story :p or should I say "the beginning" .. and I'll repeat what someone else said earlier.. that He's SO into you !! .. you go girl ^^

Originally posted by Crayon
I can't wait to hear the end of this story :p or should I say "the beginning" .. and I'll repeat what someone else said earlier.. that He's SO into you !! .. you go girl ^^

Well, even though it will create a whole new set of problems, I hope y'all are right. I sent out the card today with basically "i realized I told you to let me know when you wanted to go, but didn't give you my number. It's______ . I hope to hear from you". So, keep your collective fingers crossed for me.;)

In the meantime, I spoke with my daughter last night--her new guy adores her...I told her "good for you". She said she's just so tired of being adored...all the guys she's dated have felt that way and said the same things...she just wishes someone would say something different...then when I told her I'd emailed him (her bf) to thank him for dinner, but hadn't gotten a reply, she said it probably made him really uncomfortable (I'd hate to think a 32-year-old PhD would be uncomfortable over that!). Then she started telling me about how the other friend who met us for dinner last week (the one who was to keep his hands on the table, LOL) was wearing out his welcome at her house, but since she knows she's his ONLY friend...I told her it must be a real burden being her. How can I love her so much and want to choke her at the same time????:confused: What an ego. I really think it's overcompensation for insecurity. I know I didn't RAISE her to be so self-obsessed. Maybe it's because her Dad was too busy with a woman he dated (from the time our daughter was about 8 until she was around 15) to be bothered much. Maybe I just WANT to blame him, LOL.

At any rate, my YM of interest should get his card Tuesday; Wednesday at the latest. I'll keep you all posted!

Lisa

I have to laugh at me--here I am with those huge fruit bats again, all nervous about having sent out that card with my number. Wouldn't you think at 40 I'd be past that? It's kinda nice, though, in a slightly seasick-feeling way:)

Originally posted by elliottfan
In the meantime, I spoke with my daughter last night--her new guy adores her...I told her "good for you". She said she's just so tired of being adored...all the guys she's dated have felt that way and said the same things...she just wishes someone would say something different...

Gawd, Lisa, I hate to say that she's going to be in for a rude awakening some day. We should all be so lucky. What does she want, someone to treat her like crap? :rolleyes:

Sometimes youth is just wasted on the young!! :p

Originally posted by elliottfan
I'm sending him a Christmas card and putting in a note saying I realized after I left him last week that I'd told him to let me know when he wanted to go to Asheville, but hadn't given him my number (which is true--for whatever reason it didn't show up on his caller ID when I called and left a message inviting him to dinner with us). So I'll include it and see what happens.

Well, he should've gotten his card 2 days ago, and I've heard nothing from him. Good grief, maybe I misread the signs. It sure seemed like he was interested. If all that was him just being polite, he deserves some sort of special recognition, LOL!!! No, the last time I saw him, when my daughter asked him if he was coming over...before he answered he looked at me to see if I wanted him to...I know I didn't imagine THAT. I think even my fruit bats have fruit bats at this point.

Anyone have any bat repellant?

Well, not the end of the world. Are classes over yet or are they still in finals? Maybe your card was a little too casual and he is thinking "No rush" or "When classes finish"?

Give it some time.

BTW - Here you go!

<img src=http://www.bugspray.net/pictures/batscat.jpg>

Kristin!!! How funny! What you can't tell from the picture is that's really just a big jug of cats. What else would repel all three?

LOL! :D

Actually, I think a couple of Cosmopolitans could do the trick for ya just as well! :p

Maybe I really DID misread everything. I'm really confused. He called, and we talked for over an hour. I said I was thinking about going to his town this evening to do some Christmas shopping, and asked if he had any ideas for one of our mutual friends. He said that if I did go and would like to have "quality company" (LOL!), he would be glad to go with me. So, we agreed to meet for coffee and he'd help me with ideas for something for our friend. HOWEVER... his cell phone rang twice while we were talking, and it was a fellow he works with, who had invited him to an end-of term party tonight. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to go, because there are some things about he guy's company he doesn't enjoy, but otherwise he's witty and can be fun, but either way he did need to call the guy back. He asked if he could call me back after he talked to him. So, he called back and said he thought he would go, since his co-worker didn't want to stay long. BUT, he said, "if I have to go there at 7:30, that will cut OUR visit short." He wanted then to know if I could come over tomorrow instead. I said I could, and he said, "and we'll drop by R (my daughter)'s place? Had you planned to do that?". I said that was fine, that I would like to see her if I was going to be in town.

He's going to Ohio to visit family over Christmas and will be back the following Wednesday, and wants to go to Asheville after that (he brought it up). When I thought I was going to be seeing him tonight, I mentioned a movie I'd like to see, and asked if he was interested; he was hesitant about it (the movie, that is), saying he preferred movies at home unless it was something he thought would be best on big screen, but would like to go some other time to such a film...

When we were in the bookstore a couple of weeks ago, I'd mentioned my interest in Civil War history (American, that is), and we started talking about Ken Burns. It turned into a joke about his getting Ken Burns to come to my house for a lecture for Christmas. Today, he let me know I should be expecting an autographed copy of one of Ken Burns's Civil War books to show up at my door...

I'M SO CONFUSED!!!! I could go on; there's more to tell, but those are the basics. But, I mean, HE volunteered his company to me. Then he decides to go to the party (I understand that was a prior plan, and I'd sprung MY coming over there on him last minute). But then he wants to know if we can reschedule for tomorrow, so he's not trying to get out of it...but wants to "stop by" my daughter's place tomorrow (together, I assume)..and he's put out money to get me an autographed book... is he interested or not????? OH! And he made sure I had the right phone number for his cell phone, since there'd been a mix-up before...
ARGH!!!!!!!!:confused: :confused: :confused:

Hi Ells,


I know this is going to be hard for a while, but I feel that you have to take some steps back for a little while...

Its so frustrating when we like someone and we continuously look for those little signs......Ah, there was a sign.......Oh, that seemed like the opposite.....Ah, but hang on, that must have been it, .....Maby, maby not.......etc etc.

And before you know it, youve invested a whole bucket load of energy into them and 'they' are just happily going along, doing their thing blah blah.......seemingly oblivious....

Youngsters!!! You never know what will happen next.....They might go to this party, but there is this 'other' party...... and then they were supposed to go to the movies, but then someone is having drinks at their friends house, and........ The list goes on.

Try just being in the moment my friend...... If you are to embark upon a relationship with a youngster, well, you will have to have these types of skills anyway....It is sooo hard to just step away and let whatever happens, just happen, but this is what you MUST do..... Only for now though, give it a try......Remember what time of the year it is also, there are all sorts of distractions.

We tend to get results when we are not even thinking about the outcome, when we are just doing our thing...... Having a crush on someone is a very pleasant experience, however sometimes it can get out of hand when we find ourselves continuously thinking about them and imagining all sorts of scenarios.......Try taking some time out from it and giving 'yourself' some attention and fun...., and Then, well, you never know do you!!!


Tinks xxx



Oh and Kristin....... That bat stuff, Ive never seen anything like it!!!!LOL

Lisa, chill girlfriend! He's into you - he just has a life! And good for him!

He's obviously thinking about you - why else go to the trouble of the autographed book (how cool was that??) He sounds like a really together guy! He obviously wanted to go to the party, but he didn't want to cut your visit short, so he asked to reschedule when he could spend more time with you. I think that was sweet!

Have a good time with him when you do get together and relax and let it flow naturally. It's funny feeling like a giddy schoolgirl again, isn't it? :p

Oh, it doesn't bother me that he went to the party. Like I said, my plans were sprung on him last minute, and he had already talked to his friend about going. That was more than fine. I'm just flattered that he volunteered his company, and that he would rather reschedule than cut our time short. I guess I'm just having trouble with the idea that he might actually, REALLY be interested. I keep thinking there's just no way, and I'm afraid I'm going to feel like a total idiot when I realize he's just being nice. (and yes, how cool IS that about the book?!?)

At any rate, I AM looking forward to seeing him tomorrow (first time alone), and more than anything at this point, I just want to form a friendship and be comfortable with him. He's an interesting and witty person and I enjoy his company. I guess it's just my insecurities wanting to know what he's thinking.

I know you're both right--that I'm thinking about it too much. It's just that every time I tell myself "okay, stop thinking about A____", I'm sunk! :rolleyes: LOL!!

LOL! It's all right. I think we all felt that way at one time or another. I was really lucky that Jeremy pursued me so obviously. He was actually a bit obnoxious about it! LOL.

Wow, you're seeing him tomorrow? Now I'm excited for you. Pass that Bat Scat back over here, will ya?:p

I'd love to, if I could figure out how to attach a picture and have the picture show up, instead of a link...???