In shock...

I just found out that my ex-husband, from whom I've been separated for two years but only divorced for about 9 months, not only was seeing someone before we got divorced (not an issue as I was with my ym, but why didn't he say anything?) but.... get this... got married this summer.

He's married and he didn't even bother to tell me. I don't know how I feel about this. I really don't.

I'm glad because here I was worried that I hurt him so badly when I left, blah blah blah, and I felt so guilty... well, I no longer have to feel guilty, I suppose.

But, sheesh. He didn't even bother to tell me. What a jerk.

Thanks, Nessa.

I'll be okay.

Does it seem really weird that he didn't bother to tell me???

I guess I don't find it so weird that he didn't tell you unless the two of you have remained on very friendly terms and keep in touch alot since you divorced.

I didn't know when my 1st husband remarried. In fact, didn't find out he had another child until the child was several months old. And, he and I even share a son. So, my son wasn't told either.

The thing is, we've e-mailed back and forth. It's not like we haven't communicated. Weird.

Well.. maybe there's something *wrong* about her and he just didn't want you to make judgement calls. LOL. Maybe she's a younger or older woman and he's not comfortable with the age difference... LOL.

Maybe he didn't want to hurt you and thought saying something would stir up weirdness.

Or maybe he just didn't think it was any of your business. Quite possible. Divorced, only talk sometimes... it's possible.

Anyway, sorry for the shock factor. I'd be shocked, too.

~phosphorescent

Yeah.

The thing is, when we went through our divorce, the actual divorce at the beginning of this year... they would have already been together....

BUUUUUUUUUT --

stupid me.

Felt sorry for him. So didn't ask for half the marital assets. Let him have EVERYTHING. Everything.

I feel like a fool.

Sounds too familiar, Pink. My ex husband had been "with" another woman for a year before we were divorced officially...again, I had fallen for my ym during that time of "separation" as well (most of which, my ex husband and I still lived together)...but I admitted it and was blamed ROYALLY for the break up of our marriage, etc. He told everyone (including my family) that I was at fault.
Come to find out, before the ink was dry on our divorce papers, he was seen in public with this woman holding hands. They were married 12 WEEKS later (and he had the audacity to have my two sons attend the wedding when they were trying to recover from our divorce !!). Twelve weeks...I hoped that was proof enough to the many who bought his story that I was not to blame, that he was a liar and just needed a "fall guy".

Obviously, they had it "goin on" before our divorce...but since, get this, they were both worship leaders at church, it was kept under wraps until the damage was done (I shouldered the blame). They got married in Tahoe (where we had taken our honeymoon!!!), and are still involved in church leadership, heralded as such a great, dedicated, perfect couple (got back from a mission to Africa this summer:( ).

I was shocked and MAD that he couldn't at least be honest and forthright; but then again not suprised since it was his blaring dishonesty throughout our marriage that drove me away. She gets to deal with that now:D Lucky her...ha!

I feel for ya, Pink....had a lot of the same reactions as you're having.
Take care...
Karen

Boy, special K -- I can relate to the whole "being made to feel like the bad one" thing. It was all my fault, I was the horrible one who ended it, my family was even mad at me (my own parents took his side at first)!! I can't believe your ex had your kids at the wedding so soon after... that's in really poor taste, isn't it? Poor kids.

___
What kills me is that we've e-mailed back and forth like 10 times over the last few months, and he's even sent me some pics from his "dive trip" this summer (which I now presume was a honeymoon).

I am pretty angry. I know he doesn't owe me anything, our relationship is over and it was my own choice. But... why does he go through the motions of e-mailing, pretending to have a sort of relationship with me, when he's... off and married without telling me? What a stupid jerk.

Positivity: now I don't have to feel so bloody guilty all the time for being the bad guy, because he's "moved on" (as much as you can say someone has "moved on" when he gets married 2 months after a divorce... can someone say "rebound"? Okay, my friend thinks that was catty of me to say, but come on.)

Originally posted by fos4snt
Well.. maybe there's something *wrong* about her and he just didn't want you to make judgement calls. LOL. Maybe she's a younger or older woman and he's not comfortable with the age difference... LOL.


*laugh*

Originally posted by PinkCat
Yeah.

The thing is, when we went through our divorce, the actual divorce at the beginning of this year... they would have already been together....

BUUUUUUUUUT --

stupid me.

Felt sorry for him. So didn't ask for half the marital assets. Let him have EVERYTHING. Everything.

I feel like a fool.


Yeah, well, maybe this is why he never said anything before the divorce, and maybe he figured that you'd figure it out once you found out and that you would then determine that he was being underhanded.

I don't know if though and I may be completely wrong.

My ex was long involved for years before, during and after our divorce.

I found out "she" came back east to be with him from our then 8-yr-old son.

I found out they were married (about 3 months after the divorce became final) at the dentist office. I was there in the morning and two other patients were listed for the afternoon (I knew he was going later the same day

M... B...
and D.... B... !!

I asked my son who said that daddy had gotten married.

At the start of this school year, my son had to write an essay about his family - - I have a mom and a dad and a nana & papa --- - -- - and a stepmother.

I still have not said anything to my ex about it. Nor has he to me.

Not sure what Emily Post would say about such things, but I think disclosure is reasonable especially if there is still contact and definitely if there are children involved!

Wow, girlengr, what a way to find out that your ex is remarried -- at the dentist.

____
Regarding my ex, the thing is, he didn't do anything wrong. We were separated when he met her. I just wish, on some level, that I could hate him, but I can't.

I guess it is weird that he's remarried and I still don't feel ready for that step.

Hi!
My x started living with another woman while we were married! And at the time my daughters were 2 and 5 years old! Unfortunately, although he left me like that, I ONLY got half the marital assets. Plus had to pay alimony to him because I made more money! He supposedly married 8 months after our divorce was final, then called me 2 weeks later and said he wasn't married. Then 6 weeks after that went on a trip, a so-called honeymoon to the SAME PLACE we went on OUR honeymoon! GROSS! Whether they are married or not, my daughters call her thier step-mom and she writes me lists of things that I need to do! haha Sure glad in the end it gave me a chance to have fun with my ym!

Hi all, I'm new here and this is my first post, besides introducing myself, but just had to reply!

I can sooo relate to this thread!

I too was recently divorced this past Oct., but had been seperated since March, when he told me he "liked" a co-worker and moved out & moved in with her. We had lived together for 5 years and had just gotten married in Oct of '03! (BTW, he is 34 and I am 45)

After a couple of months of "mourning" the loss of our future & marriage...

as MrsHedgeHog wrote: (So true..)

"Not that I wanted the guy back or anything (no way, no how); I think I grieved more for the lost concept of a successful marriage than for the actual relationship itself"


I picked myself up and resumed a social life. I began dating a very nice ym of 25 (he was so mature, he was actually too old for me, lol, but that's another story!). By that point I had very little contact with my soon to be ex, unless it was for practical matters. Imagine my "suprise" for lack of anything better, when my ex phoned me one day from work raging at me for seeing this ym, it was so ridulous, he even threatend to beat him up if he ran into him. I was so appalled and to be honest, a little amused, that he had the audacity to be angry after he had left me for another woman only 5 months after our wedding! He actually screamed at me "What? Are you trying to get younger by injection?!!" I swear, I laughed out load at that, I couldn't help it, and he hung up on me. What a jerk!

But it gets better...

Until then, both our family & friends had stayed nuetral and we remained friendly with each others family's. After he found out I was dating again, he told everyone who would listen, especially his family that I had been cheating on him all along with some "boy" as well as a bunch of other lies about me & our relationship, and his family quit talking to me all together. It really hurt me that they would believe him, especially his grandmother, as I was very fond of her. Only a few of our mutual friends actually believed him and the ones that did, well... good riddance! I hear now that he actually proposed to her before the divorce and that they planned on getting married the day after!

My revenge? She wanted him, now she's got him!

Ronnie

Wow, RonnieLynn! That's... unbelievable.

As I read all these stories, it never ceases to amaze me, the unbelievable things people can do to those they love/loved. Kind of scary, isn't it?

...

Well, I've kind of come to the conclusion that I humiliated him when I left him (he thinks I left him to be with my ym, but that's not 100% accurate... although I admit I didn't exactly wait to be with him), and that almost as a knee-jerk reaction, he needed to "save face" and get re-married. I know that sounds selfish and "all about PinkCat", but I just don't see why he didn't wait... this is a guy who researches on the net for 3 days before he switches toilet paper brands. I hope they'll be happy together, I really do (but I don't want to see them together).

It IS scary, PinkCat...

It's really been the weirdest year of my life! Although my girlfriends and I still get a kick out the "younger by injection" comment! LOL It was priceless!

That is quite funny -- younger by injection! Talk about sour grapes, huh?

sometimes its the guy who gets the fact that it is really over and they move on, who wants to be confronted with and upset "ex" so they decide to tip toe around it..... it doesnt mean they are bad people but they moved on more than we knew.... if communication was really that good there probably would not have been the breakup...... communication!!! our dirty little secrets are easier to shove under the rug, or our REAL feelings are not shared because the communication was not there in the first place.

my ex also had a girlfriend before the official divorce, i felt wronged but looking back, he was moving on way before i was really ready to let go. i was devasted, how could anyone forget me??? well, God had better plans and sent my handsome hunk Adam, and if "what goes around comes around" i must have been a very good girl!!! the ex is still with the girlfriend, it doesnt look so rosey, but i truly wish him well, i am grateful because now i know what it is to be cherished and loved, none of which i experienced with him...

I don't know.... when an ex "moves on" by taking up with someone else within weeks, or marrying them within a couple of months of a break up...I don't think it's moving on; like Pink said, I think that is BLARINGLY Rebound-city.

Statistics show that men rebound way more than women do. Women more often than not take time to heal, men are often just desparate to fill the feminine void we left. I also read that rebound relationships after a significant partnership has ended (together with someone else less than six months after a breakup) have upwards of an 80% failure rate! Makes sense...the rebounder never took time to GROW, reflect and LEARN from his (her) mistakes; or, make changes as needed to be a better partner in the future.
That means he's destined to repeat behaviors that contributed to the dissolution of the first relationship.

***Special***....... That is sooo interesting about that 'rebound' ... thing..... I just saw my x-youngster with another girl on the weekend ***yeah I know*** and I was wondering about the success rate of rebounds......thats so ...On Time!!!


***Pinkcat*** Yeah,,,, its amazing isan't it..... My x-boyfriend broke up with me because his x-girlfriend turned up at his house one morning 'pregnant' with 'his child' and about to 'have' it.

He totally lost the plot and ditched me quicker than a brick could fall out of the sky and there was 'Nothing' I could do about it.

Anyhow,,,.... We became friends about 8 months after that...... In between he had found out that it really wasn't 'His' child..(its funny, my clairvoiyant had told me that!!!) ..... Anyway, I couldn't for the life of me work out 'why' we couldn't just make another go of it......I really loved the guy....I'd keep hinting....... He'd keep arranging dates and then Cancelling on me for Stupid reasons.....

Then........ Someone that knew him ended up telling me that he was married to one of his clients (a 40 yr old, hes about 35) and 3 months into it....... and she was pregnant with his child I just couldn't believe it!!! All this time!!!!

Now....... We are still friends........ But he hates his wifes guts....like I mean 'really' hates...... Is always going on about how crap his life is now..... she had two other children before.... and Her husband had died very recently..... His consoling her had obviously turned into a Marriage!!!.....and he couldn't get out of the marriage because of $money stuff....!!

Funny....... He called me the other night, woke me up at about 12 in the night to tell me he was driving around...... driving, driving.... He just had a BIG fight with his wife and she BIT him.... Yes 'bit'....He wanted to come over and sleep in the spare room and get some sympathy I suppose..... But 'no way'...... I love him, but ladies....THAT guy has a LOT to learn.... Hes really Hating life.

Tinka

My ex-husband met a woman two weeks after our divorce and never looked back...they were living together within a month and got married within a year. They were both rebounding (she had just broken up with a b/f she'd had for 3 years...) but guess what? They're PERFECT for each other! Their marriage has now lasted longer than our marriage (12 yrs)...I think they are on year 15 now. He married $. She tells him what to do and when to do it. Every weekend is spent in an alcoholic blurr (according to my daughter who can't stand going to their mini-mansion on the Gulf of Mexico.) Yeah, it's a wonderful life!

He never told me they were getting married (I found out from a mutual acquaintance) and frankly, it felt pretty weird to hear it at the time. It felt like a line drawn in the sand. But it was good for me to hear, because I could move on emotionally at that point.

I really couldn't have set him up with anyone who could have tortured him as well as his wife does if I'd tried. It all worked out really well. I honestly rarely think about him at all anymore, and when I do, it's like someone I can barely remember.

Originally posted by RonnieLynn


My revenge? She wanted him, now she's got him!



There's a country song like this. It's by Trick Pony (from right here in Northern California). The song is called (I'm not) The Bride. If you've never heard it, it's hilarious.

The Bride

She's such a pretty thing
She don't know anything
Ain't gonna tell her that she's outta her mind
The preacher asks the question
No I got no objections
I do, I do, I want him out of my life
Throw the rice and let those white doves fly
Oh happy day, I'm not the bride

Eat some more cake
Throw the bouquet
Pass the champagne, it's time to celebrate
I'm gonna dance this night away
Oh yeah

The groom is gettin' loud
His new wife starts to shout
Oh this is perfect, it can only get better
They're fightin' in the car
Off to a real good start
His momma's cryin' aren't they lovely together
They're drivin' away, we're wavin' goodbye
Those call in, last amen, hallelujah
By the grace of God go I, I'm not the bride

I'm not the bride
I'm free, I'm free, I'm free
I'm not the bride
Good luck girl
You're gonna need it
Ha ha ha
Ta-ta

I'm loving all this input from you ladies!! :D

To be fair to my ex, we had been separated for a year and a half when he got re-married. But it was only a couple months after the divorce was finalized.

It's just really, really out of character for him... which is why it's so shocking. And I find it a little hurtful that he hasn't told me, even though we've spoken several times.

If I were his new wife, I'd be MAD if I were her... he still talks to his ex-wife (me) and never bothered to mention the new wife AT ALL, not even that she existed. He's so emotionally stunted. SOOO glad he's her problem now!! ;)

Special K -- "desperate to fill the feminine void" -- that is so apt. I agree totally. Kind of makes it seem like they think we are inter-changeable, doesn't it? Well, some guys do think that.

Yep, there has been much said regarding the way a lot of men jump into the next relationship as fast as they possibly can. And some of them -overlap- involvements habitually.

I think I remember some of that being discussed in a book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" which is about commitment-phobic people. (One of my exes is one, so I read it at the time.) It was interesting reading.

ScienceGoddess wrote:

I'm not the bride I'm not the bride
I'm free, I'm free, I'm free
I'm not the bride
Good luck girl
You're gonna need it
Ha ha ha
Ta-ta


LMFAO, I've got to get that CD!

The "big flap" is the same that it would be if one of my friends, whom I spoke to regularly and considered semi-close, came out and said, "Oh, I never bothered to tell you...(insert something pretty huge here)."

I don't care, I'm not even upset. I was upset for a little while that he didn't tell me. More than anything, I just feel like I have to re-learn how to think of myself without the feelings of guilt that I had.

If my opinion is that it's a rebounding thing, then that's my opinion. No one's opinion is "inappropriate" when it's just confined to a message board posting.

Sally, you get your wish -- it DOESN'T bother me. It did for about a day, and I guess I made the mistake of sharing that here. :rolleyes:

I could be wrong Sally, but maybe it's that Pink was made to feel guilty about the break-up in the first place (read her 1st post) and since she & the ex had been having some sort of friendly communiques w/ each other, she may have felt it only civil of him to assuage some of that guilt by letting her know he had moved on to this level :confused: ?

When I decided to remarry last year, I did call my 1st husband & let him know because I didn't want him to hear it thru the grapevine...BUT I did that because I raised his two son's & they are still very close to me & I am still very involved in their lives. We do run into each other at different family affairs, so I have maintained a civil relationship w/ him & his new partner over the years. But I would never consider calling my 2nd husband & telling him ANYTHING about my life now... each ended relationship is different I think.

Originally posted by sally
I wonder about that? My post seemed to bother you...and after I wrote you that nice sensitive post in your "isolation" thread...you roll your eyes at me! hrrrrummmph!:D

...and um, does this wish count as one of my xmas wishes? :eek:

Yes, your post did bother me. But I think I'll pull through. ;) Seriously, I'm not devastated or whatever... just in a state of shock. That's why this thread is "In shock..." and not "In despair" or whatever.

It counts as one of your Christmas wishes if you included it in your letter to Santa this year.

Heehee!! You give him JD? I only give him bottled water... no wonder I got lumps of coal in my stocking last year!

" I really couldn't have set him up with anyone who could have tortured him as well as his wife does if I'd tried. It all worked out really well. I honestly rarely think about him at all anymore, and when I do, it's like someone I can barely remember."
---------------
LOL, kat.....

*giggling in agreement, trying not to gloat*
Karen

I was happily ? married 20 y with 3kids, working at my hospital with my dear h as RNS when....
he suddenly, on the phone, said "it's over".
I didn't realize someone else was in the room...
His 20 y younger RN coworker.
I have to see them daily, driving to work in the car I gave him during our pre-separation (he tried to live with us for 3months, to "give me a chance")...
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a very bitter taste in my mouth.
He lied and tried to take our house away (pretending he wasn't actually moving in with his GF)... saying we had to sell...
But he left his cell phone on one night (thank you, alcohol) and I recieved the fortune of listening to an hour of ranting by he and her about how they were going to screw me and the kids financially.
It took ALL I HAD to keep my mouth shut, after weeping on the floor, and play my best defense.
I exposed them and won the house.
Six months later my youngest, 12, was diagnosed with cancer and after six more months of hell he left us.
I've finally just crawled into a ball,
I need to recover.

fulloflove, that's just awful what you had to go through. :( I can't even imagine it. ((HUGS)) to you!!

___

Just a wee update: I guess what had bothered me so much about the whole situation with my ex was that we had been communicating the entire time and he had left me in the dark about this, so that makes me feel like an idiot. Plus he had made a comment in his e-mail that said, "...our personal lives are none of each others' business anymore...". Fine, but don't pretend to be all buddy-buddy with me then. I lament the loss of a friendship, not our marriage (which was a mess anyway, but he thought it was perfect). He really thinks he is better than everyone else... more honourable, intelligent, perfect, and he really is just a big fat liar.

I'm sad that my image of him has changed so much. Before I thought our 8-year relationship just didn't work out, but now i feel like it was a total waste of time (and a waste of my youth). I know it wasn't a total waste, but that's how it feels right now.

"Plus he had made a comment in his e-mail that said, "...our personal lives are none of each others' business anymore...". Fine, but don't pretend to be all buddy-buddy with me then. I lament the loss of a friendship, not our marriage (which was a mess anyway, but he thought it was perfect). He really thinks he is better than everyone else... more honourable, intelligent, perfect, and he really is just a big fat liar."

Wow, Pink...our ex's must be clones ! Yep to the "thinks he's more honorable", and "he's just a big fat liar". Mine worked so hard to show our teeny weeny community that he was the honorable one by slandering me for being in love with a ym while still officially married, while HE simply kept his relationship hidden until the papers were signed. More savy maybe, but not more honorable.

And the email thing...I'm the one that had to remind him that our personal lives are private (we've been divorced 2 1/2 years now) because he continued to deride me in emails about my current realtionship with a ym, my life in general, my character, my parenting...whatever suited him at the moment. Last week I FINALLY wrote him a certified letter telling him I will not accept emails from him any longer, and blocked him. When he calls, we communicate diplomatically and he doesn't put me down....but the objectivity of email allowed him to belittle me up the ying yang, and then click the "send" button without a second thought. All this while he maintains his image as a perfect, kind music leader in church, a church I no longer attend for obvious reasons.

"He lied and tried to take our house away (pretending he wasn't actually moving in with his GF)... saying we had to sell..."

fulloflove...sweetie! I'm so sorry you went through so much heartache with your ex (and are still in the midst). You must be an amazing, strong woman; and as your screen name implies, full of love to share somewhere where it will be cherished. He sounds like the snake that my ex was (is?). On the outside, one thing that appears wonderful, on the inside, a liar and narcissist of sorts. My ex did the same thing:tried to get the house. As a matter of fact, he forged my name on some document and had the house assessed without my knowledge about 9 months before we were even divorced! He was lining up his ducks....but I got the house in the end because his private/excessive debt load (another hidden thing from me-credit card debt of over $30,000) forced him to relinquish the title to me;) His lies found him out, and they will continue to. Now, his "new" wife gets to deal with all of that dishonesty, and 8 years of credit payments to a credit counseling company.

I cried when I read about your son. I'm so sorry. He was a jewel of your heart, no doubt. You will be with him again one day. My brother was diagnosed with leukemia 3 days before Thanksgiving this year. The news is devastating to his wife and family, and the rest of us who love him. We are taking one day at a time.

You do need to recover..and you will, honey. Are you talking to anyone (therapist/counselor)? Or, thought about seeing a doctor to investigate the possiblity of depression? I know that therapy and an anti-depressant to get me over the hump of utter dispair were godsends for me in my darkest hours a couple of years ago. Don't stay crawled up in that ball, okay?

Hugs and prayers,
Karen