I need some advice

Hey. Last year I started coming here when I was going through some bad stuff with my hubby, who is 15 years my junior. Everything worked out...but I'm now in trouble again and I don't know what to do.

Bill was 19 when we met and basically, I was his first everything. He didn't have but a few dates before we met and so I am the only thing he knows. That said (and cutting to the chase) I was looking through the history on my pc for a link that I wanted to find that I had been to a few days before and I found something I didn't recognize. It was a link to the personals on yahoo. The exact link was the mbox.personals.yahoo.com and the rest of the URL had something to do with a "replyad" and a personals ID#. Well, I confronted him and he was mad that I had looked into the history and I told him that I was hunting for something *I* had done and there it was...right in front of me! It wasn't like I was snooping or anything. So, he says that yes, he goes to the personals to read them because he thinks they are interesting and funny what people will put on their ads about themselves but that he isn't looking and has no interest in another woman......yada yada yada. Backing up a bit...before this, I had gone to his laptop to pull up the internet to check my email and saw his yahoo messenger up with a conversation going with a girl. This was not the first time I had seen him talking to girls on there. Mind you, these are not "friends" that he had back in St. Louis (where he's from). If that were the case, it wouldn't be a big deal. No, these are ladies (using the term loosely) that just "popped up" (his wording) and started talking to him and he added them to his buddy list. Anyway...knowing him and his sense of humor, I decided that he was telling the truth and he promised not to go there anymore that he didn't know how upset I would be. His explaination for the MBOX link was "I don't know how it got there. Not really sure what to think, we moved on and I thought this was the end of that.

Well, last night, I'm looking around on MY OWN computer and what do I see? His picture and links to a profile on personals with an ID attached! Long story short, I confronted him again and asked if he had EVER had a profile there and he said no...emphatically. He SWORE (and he knows how important that is to me) and I had no choice but to believe him. However, I'm 40...and had lots and lots of BS thrown my way in my lifetime and I just can't get it out of my head and my gut tells me that he is lying. He did make a good point that if he were to do something like that, why do it on my computer where he knows there would be a chance of my seeing it? He could do it on his own where he'd have privacy. I don't know what to think.

I need help. BTW, we have been together for 6 years now...married for 5.5 and have a 4yo daughter together and he is raising my (now) 8yo son.

TIA,

J

I'd just like to know what others would think if they were in my shoes.

Hi and welcome to the boards!!

Well I'm on the opposite side My husband is 17 years older than me.. I am 29 and he is 46 and we have a 5 month old son together....

I know we are all different and My opinions may be different from the rest but Just my advice is take what you can use and leave what you can't :)

I personally wouldn't stand for it.... I would not allow it in anyway shape or form... and I would talk to my husband tell him how I feel.... If he told me a lie then I would prove it.... print out the evidence.. show him when he gets home.. have him explain it.... I would go to therapy..... which is probably something you both should do .... but He would either stop or it would jepordize our marriage... but that's me...... :)

You really need to look at your relationship and ask yourself if this is what you really want... and throw it in his lap.... ask him what he would do if it was reversed??? ask him how he would feel......

I'm sorry if this isn't want you wanted to hear... just my honest opinion :)

I do hope the very best for you....

I agree with everyone else.

Find his ad, you have the information....answer it as someone else. Bingo, proof.

Or, let it go and live with it..... your choice.

Cindy

My ex-husband cheated on me with some regularity, and I just didn't want to believe it. I was a size 5, had given him a beautiful son, and adored him with all of my heart. We met in a band, were inseperable for years, but when we got "regular" lives, I guess it was too much for him and cheating was a way for him to still get recognition and attention. He was very, very good at hiding things from me. He explained away all kinds of "signs" that I found. His explanations always sounded so rational and reasonable.

As time went on, he became mentally and verbally abusive towards me, and finally, physically abusive. It was then that I fell out of love with him, and I was able to see with clarity that he was indeed lying to me. One of the women actually showed up at my house at 3 a.m. looking for him!

I left him for good 10 years ago, and never looked back. The whole ordeal left me emotionally scarred and with very low self-esteem, but it also taught me to trust my gut instinct. It took me five years after leaving him to find someone worthy of my love and trust, and who loved and trusted me as well. There is no guesswork and no mysterious goings on. That's the way it should be, unless you like chaos in your life.

My ym isn't much for the internet, but I am, and I do have a couple of guys that I chat with on occassion. I used to chat with more of them but I don't get on here like I used to. I would NEVER have a conversation with someone that Robin couldn't see or would be uncomfortable with. In fact, when I chat with someone, Robin will occassionally peek over my shoulder and "look in" on the conversation, out of curiosity, not mistrust. I invite him into my friendships, both internet ones and real life ones. I tell him everything.

Likewise, sometimes he goes out to play pool and I don't feel like it. He might conversate with females or shoot a game of pool with them. He doesn't do anything I would be uncomfortable with, and he comes home and tells me all about his evening. I could walk in any time and I wouldn't find him doing anything wrong. Being faithful and trustworthy is equally important to the both of us.

So, what you have to do, is sit down with your husband and find out how he defines "cheating" and "inappropriate behavior" that goes against your relationship. If it differs from yours, you have a big problem. Marriage counseling is great if you can get him to go. I'm wondering too, if he didn't purposefully set himself up to be caught, kind of like wanting the attention or something? Does he feel like he's unimportant to you, or that he doesn't do enough to provide? Does he feel like you put him down and don't love him enough? Does he feel like you don't give him enough affection? You should ask him these things, and then reaffirm how much you love him and how much he means to you and to your kids.

When is the last time you two went away together for any length of time without the kids? That may be in order as well. :)

I got this exact question at work today.

Being a programmer, I had once written a keystroke logger to see what my cheating ex was doing behind my back. I learned things I wish I didn't know. It was stupid and gained me nothing.

The best thing to do is to confront what you know to be true with him. Understand where the problem lies and if it can be fixed.

The lady at work wanted a keystroke logger or internet monitor. I told her to just confront the situation. She already knows the truth, she doesn't need more evidence. She called him and dealt with the problem head on.

All the programs in the world simply delay the inevitable. You must confront him, deal with this, get marriage counseling, whatever.


And yes, I do believe my spying on my ex-wife was wrong. I would take it back if I could.

Originally posted by jeralyn
I'd just like to know what others would think if they were in my shoes.

These are your shoes...

...Well, last night, I'm looking around on MY OWN computer and what do I see? His picture and links to a profile on personals with an ID attached! Long story short, I confronted him again and asked if he had EVER had a profile there and he said no...emphatically. He SWORE (and he knows how important that is to me) and I had no choice but to believe him.

Im not quite sure why you get this undisputable evidence that he is obviously involved in the personals, and you end up saying you HAD NO CHOICE but to believe him because HE denied it. I think you had another choice and that is to believe the evidence you saw and let his denial go in one ear and out the other since you know hes lying . What would I do in your shoes???? What are YOU going to do is what counts. This must be so hard for you being married and having a child and wanting to believe your husband rather than what you KNOW is the truth, and I think you do know the truth is NOT what he is telling you.
Guess it comes down to if he knows this is unacceptable to you and is still doing it, are you going to follow through with "not taking it" nomatter what the consequences, or are you going to draw another line , and another, and keep moving them every time he crosses them just because he denys it? :confused:

How are you doing Jerilynn?

Hi Jeralyn.

Well I do agree with everybody else as far as what you've discovered. It's fairly clear that he is doing some on-line flirting from time to time. And if he's using your computer to do it on, then half of him kinda wants you to find out about it, doesn't he?

The question is what it means and what to do about it. I wouldn't waste alot of time getting into "yes, you did", "no, I didn't" kind of conversations. The conversation to have is "what are you getting out of this and what needs to change in our relationship to make you not need or want this outlet anymore?"

He may be cheating, he may just be flirting, but the real test of your relationship is whether you can have this conversation or not. After a child together - I would certainly hope that you could - but obviously that's not always the case.

Sit down and see whether you've got somebody who wants to work with you or somebody who just wants to play games and not get caught. If you can figure that out, then the rest of the decisions will be easier down the line.

Good luck!

He's lying and you know it. Plain and simple.

DanE

I agree with everyone else here. Mera really said it flat out at first----prove it, confront him and put your foot down about it.
I think chatting on Yahoo *can* be perfectly harmless, but spending time at personals sites and having profile/ID/Pics is NOT harmless!!
I know what Found is saying, and I think at some point Id stop reading through the proof I'd gleaned but---Id get that proof.

This isnt a game, this is your relationship and your life so I think stay calm, be very firm and get to the bottom of it.

Originally posted by ravenglow
I agree with everyone else here. Mera really said it flat out at first----prove it, confront him and put your foot down about it.
I think chatting on Yahoo *can* be perfectly harmless, but spending time at personals sites and having profile/ID/Pics is NOT harmless!!
I know what Found is saying, and I think at some point Id stop reading through the proof I'd gleaned but---Id get that proof.

This isnt a game, this is your relationship and your life so I think stay calm, be very firm and get to the bottom of it.

If it were possible to agree more than 100%, I would.

DanE

Originally posted by ravenglow
I agree with everyone else here. Mera really said it flat out at first----prove it, confront him and put your foot down about it.
I think chatting on Yahoo *can* be perfectly harmless, but spending time at personals sites and having profile/ID/Pics is NOT harmless!!
I know what Found is saying, and I think at some point Id stop reading through the proof I'd gleaned but---Id get that proof.

This isnt a game, this is your relationship and your life so I think stay calm, be very firm and get to the bottom of it.

Jeralyn ~

I'd like to start by saying that I'm sorry to hear about this stressful situation. It must be a difficult time. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, hear?

I agree about getting the proof - if it's still there (his ad, I mean). While I think that you know what is going on, Jeralyn, there's something about having the proof that might help you, and might silence him. However, if the tangible proof is not attainable, you need to trust your gut...and what you've already seen. Actually, wasn't seeing all that stuff 'tangible'? It was in your hands and in front of your eyes.

Before you confront him - which you have to do - know what your options are. Decide what your possible courses of action are. What happens during your discussion may dictate your preferred course of action. Make a promise to yourself to implement at least one of them.

Jeralyn, you've 'busted' him, you have to do something to recover/maintain/preserve your personal sense of well-being.

Best wishes

It's me. Thanks to everyone who wrote in...

I did more digging (sorry Found), guessed his password, and saw all the replies made to these women. The thing that hurt the most is that the line he was using was a page out of some problems we were having last year. He told me he was too young, hadn't been with anyone else and was wondering if he'd made a mistake.

I printed out one of these exchanges, showed it to him, and he STILL denied it. I told him I wanted a divorce. I'm 40 and life is TOO short to play games like this. If he wants other women, be my guest....but not while he is married to me! He said that it wasn't what I thought and then proceeded to tell me that he had this idea for a book about dating, but since he didn't much of that before he met me he didn't know much about it so decided to do what he did as "research". I asked him why he just didn't tell me about it first. He said he didn't know and that it was wrong not to and that he REALLY, REALLY didn't want anyone else...ever. He was just trying to figure out a way to make some extra money (since he's not working and I'm the only breadwinner right now).

So that's the story.

J

Yeah, that's a nice BS story.

Just like the one my ex-wife told me about doing "research" to write a book about this ex-boyfriend of hers who was in jail for murdering his mother. She used to go do "research" with him once a month. Then I would get the most disgusting things in the mail from him.

Anyway, you do what you have to do (divorce), but that's a load of cr*p he's feeding you.

Writing a book.....sheeh.......my 6 year old could come up with a better story.

jeralyn ~

I'm very sorry to hear about what's going on. Your last post sounds pretty matter-of-fact but I can only imagine how you must feel.

I can only imagine how your mind must have been whirling as the biggest bunch of crap I've ever heard came out of his mouth.

I wish you strength and endurance as you decided what to do, and as you do it.

My gut feeling is also that what he told you is a lie.
He wants it both ways.

Keep you (and your income).
AND satisfy his curiousity. If not for real, through the online toying with it. But anything dwelled upon long enough will take the form of real action eventually.

Even if that fishy story were true, when you first had suspicions, he would have leveled with you. If it was all innocent research there would be no need to deny. Or deny when you printed out his exchange.

And why did he have to use the trouble that happened between you last year? If he was doing dating reserach he could have just posed as a single or divorced guy wanting to date for his "research." Why pose as a married man with problems? And why would anyone choose to write a book about something they know nothing about.

I say all this because while it sounded like you asked for a divorce, it also sounded like when he told you the "REAL" reason for his online activities you seem to believe him. Just like you seemed to discount your suspicions in your first post and was wondering when everyone else said you already nailed him.

And it is natural. You want to believe him. You love him and have a family with him. But be careful. I really think he is lying.

Originally posted by jeralyn
It's me. Thanks to everyone who wrote in...

I did more digging (sorry Found), guessed his password, and saw all the replies made to these women. The thing that hurt the most is that the line he was using was a page out of some problems we were having last year. He told me he was too young, hadn't been with anyone else and was wondering if he'd made a mistake.

I printed out one of these exchanges, showed it to him, and he STILL denied it. I told him I wanted a divorce. I'm 40 and life is TOO short to play games like this. If he wants other women, be my guest....but not while he is married to me! He said that it wasn't what I thought and then proceeded to tell me that he had this idea for a book about dating, but since he didn't much of that before he met me he didn't know much about it so decided to do what he did as "research". I asked him why he just didn't tell me about it first. He said he didn't know and that it was wrong not to and that he REALLY, REALLY didn't want anyone else...ever. He was just trying to figure out a way to make some extra money (since he's not working and I'm the only breadwinner right now).

So that's the story.

J BULL !!!! I think Softsong is right I say all this because while it sounded like you asked for a divorce, it also sounded like when he told you the "REAL" reason for his online activities you seem to believe him. Just like you seemed to discount your suspicions in your first post and was wondering when everyone else said you already nailed him.

It seems to me like you have believed so much BS this guy has told you, that he knows he can make up anything and it will work and satisfy you. In your post you had copied out PROOF of his actions , he denies it and tells you this big fairytale, yet instead of saying SAVE IT, THE FACTS ARE RIGHT HERE.... you give him an opening to lie even more by asking him WHY he didnt tell you about this "research" first.......which lets him think you believe him but just need more reassurance, so he gives it to you ..MORE LIES. I know you WANT to believe your WRONG about him even though you catch him in lies over and over, but its time to believe what you KNOW is the truth and make a stand or it will never change. Maybe if you cant bring yourself to go for a divorce, it would be an idea to get a separation and go for councelling. To me hes a manipulater, and wont admit hes wrong about anything as long as a good lie can convince someone otherwise including YOU, and it seems like you would rather believe a lie rather than have to deal with the fact this guy is doing a lot of lying and things he shouldnt , and face the consequences of saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, Im through. I dont think you have ever stood up to him over things you know hes doing and keep letting them slide by accepting his rediculous explanations, but you really have to do something DIFFERENT and believe you deserve to be treated better , because you do, you know.
:D

Well, there are a lot of things that bother me about this, but the main one is he lied about it. :( I don't believe his story, and Im sure you don't either. Fact is, if that was all he was doing, Im sure he would have mentioned it to you before, when you first came to him.

Im really sorry this happened to you....you must have just been heartbroken.

Considering that you do have young children together, do you think that maybe couples counseling would be an option for you? I don't know that I would jump to the point of considering a divorce. However, the fact that he lied about it, and the fact that he was even doing it in the first place would make me wonder what exactly is going on in real life as well.

((hugs)) to you Jerr. It sounds like the two of you need to have a good heart-to-heart talk, and see if he can't come clean about everything, and then decide where to go from there. It's really impossible to make a good healthy decision, when you can't be sure exactly what it is you are dealing with here.

In my mind, any energy that he is giving to flirting with other women, is energy taken directly out of his relationship with you. And thats not a good thing.

Please keep us updated...

Ok I've read everything and I don't know if your still listening to anyone. But trust me and everyone else. He is messing around. If you don't think so try to go back into his account. If his password has changed he doesn't want you in there. And if he doesn't want you in there why not? What's he hiding... I know you don't want to do it. I think no one really ever does. But you have to leave. Look what he has. Doesn't work, gets to stay home chat with who ever he wants to all day. And then he has you. And you give him everything. He is having his cake and eating it to. Hardest part about any of this is to leave, or have him leave. But I think it's agreed upon by everyone. He's lying and cheating and you need to dump his sorry lying ***. I know it's the holiday's but hang in there and do what's right for you. And if you can live with him doing what he is doing then drop it and go on. If not you know what you need to do.

Mike

LOL!!! I'm sorry, but his excuse DOES sound far fetched. I would feel very scared & vulnerable in your situation; I feel for you.

From the outside, he sounds very dependent on you financially, so perhaps he's saying these things becasue hes afraid he will wind up on the street with no income??.

Sometimes you can confront people when they're headed down a bad path, and its enough to steer them back on course. Its more difficult when you're dealing with lying:(

I hope for your sake he comes clean and you can work this out together.

Molesters with kiddie porn in there possession use the "I was doing research" lie too. Don't believe it. Its a lie.

DanE