help

I am a 36 year old divorced mother and 2 months ago started spending time with a 20 year old from work. We have not had sex yet, but is heading that way. Most of my problem lies with friends and family views. I have not told his real age yet. Opinions please.

It's hard to say how friends and family will react. People often surprise you with their acceptance... and some may surprise you with their intolerance.

Congrats on the possible new relationship! :D

Originally posted by lillian769
I am a 36 year old divorced mother and 2 months ago started spending time with a 20 year old from work. We have not had sex yet, but is heading that way. Most of my problem lies with friends and family views. I have not told his real age yet. Opinions please.

When I mention to someone something about my boyfriend, I am always surprised if they ask how old my boyfriend is before they meet him. I can't quite figure out why people ask this. I don't; this just seems to me to be a question that one might ask in their teens or early 20s. (No one has asked after meeting him; I figure they don't want to make a big deal out of it since we don't.)


You can mentioned your new guyfriend to friends and family without mentioning his age - he has other good qualities to brag on, right? - but it seems that people have this obsession with age so have an answer ready.

I suggest that you don't lie about his age, and vice-versa.

Lillian, if it's not an issue for you, don't make it an issue. If you make it an issue, it will just feed it as an issue for other people.

Just use the same type of response you would if he were close to your age. If you would normally just respond with the number, then do so if you think it is any of that particular person's business. If it's NOT, get a slightly surprised look on your face and then ask them "why do you ask?" To which they'll likely respond "Just curious", just laugh like you're amused and then change the subject.

His family knows of me. I have told my sister his real age. My mom and other sister are judgemental people to begin with. I have told them that he is 27. I think he is nervous to meet my children and possibly avoiding this, but I am ready for them to meet my "friend".
Working together has been very tricky. We believe mostly everyone at work knows now, which has eased some stress. Most of the issues besides family, up to this point, have been work related. I think we are both at a comfortable place working together right now.
I just wonder if I should maintain that he is 27 with my mom and sister. He is very mature.

Lying is never good. If this lasts long term..... then what?

When I was going to go out with my husband for our first "date" I told my 76 year old mother he was younger than me...she said "so?"...I was shocked...I thought I would get a negative reaction.

Anyway, if it doesn't bother you it shouldn't bother them. And if it does, who cares? They aren't dating him, you are.

By the way, we have a 12 year gap and work together.

Good Luck,

Cindy:)

Originally posted by lillian769
I just wonder if I should maintain that he is 27 with my mom and sister. He is very mature.


I never condone lying. It doesn't do anyone any good. If you are going to commit to being in an age gap relationship, you will have to decide whether you can handle the potential discrimination that comes along with it. You can do much to break down that discrimination by being honest from the beginning and proving to people that age doesn't matter when two people really love each other.

Good luck to you and welcome to agelesslove. :)

Hi Lillian769

I'm new here too, but I understand how you feel when it comes to disclosing you bf's age to certain family members... but sometimes you'd be suprised!

I orginally told my parents that my 25 yo bf was just my roommate when he moved in in Aug. (I'm 45) because I thought they would really flip about it. With the exception of my first husband, I've always dated younger men & my 2nd husband was 11 years younger, but never lived with anyone w/ such a huge ag before.

Well after a visit, my dad commented to my mom after they left that my "roommates" bedroom was still the computer room and did she think we were sleeping together? My mom's answer? "Who cares?" (BTW, my parents adore him!) On the other hand, I've had more problems w/ my girl cousin's of the same age (they are my bestfriends). One asked why I didn't just grow up. They can't understand what we can have in common, etc. & give me a lot of grief about it. sigh... can't win 'em all, but life is too short to worry too much about what others think. As long as your not hurting yourself or someone else in your path, I say just be honest & grin alot!:D

When I told my mother about Jeremy, she asked, "Sweetie, you are a beautiful, intelligent girl and you are still young. Why don't you realize that you deserve so much better?"

I asked her why she thought he wasn't good for me.

She said, "Well, you told me he already has one failed relationship (because he has a daughter), you met him at a bar and he works in a factory."

I told her that his ex-girlfriend got pregnant, but they were never married - just the same as my brother and the mother of his oldest daughter. That Jeremy sees her every week (unlike my brother) and he is leadman/supervisor of his shift - the youngest ever. Also, he rarely went into the bar, unlike my alcoholic ex bf.

I told her that he treated me better than anyone has since my husband. He is smart, funny, responsible and treats me like a godess.

Finally, she said, "Well, I don't know him, so I shouldn't say anything. Why don't you bring him over one of these days?"

And that was the end of it.

It was much worse in my imagination than actuality and I was pleasantly surprized at how little resistance my mom gave to it. Sometimes, the people who love you will still surprize you!