What does he mean???

Hi, I'm new here but in great need of advise. He sais that he needs a girl he can take care of... how can he take care of me?
He's younger than me, his salary is lower than mine, we do not live together, he lives in a tiny appartment and seems very attached to his way of living, I own a big house that I need to take care of, but my brother lives in my house and does a lot of things around the house without me having to ask for it.
I can take care of myself although every now and then, just like everybody, I need and ask for help to do things.
I want our relationship to be fulfilling, but the fact that there seems to be no room for him to take care of me makes him feel like he can't make me happy... he'll eventually leave if I don't do anything to make him feel "useful".
Which path should I follow? I'm lost!

Sally969

Be honest, tell him that while you don't need his money, etc, you need his love.

That he makes you feel cherished, which is beyond price. That you need his warmth, his viewpoint, his humor.

That you need him to ground you and to lift you up into happiness.

If he can't see that our emotional and spiritual needs are just as important as our needs for food and shelter, then maybe he needs to grow up a bit more before he can be in a truly fulfilling relationship.

He is, indeed, my bf. We'been going out for a year now (with two break-ups in between). Last weekend I brought up again the age issue and how I felt about it. You know, with X-mas coming along that means I'll meet a lot of people that might judge me and our relationship and I'm scared.
I'm also scared of younger women who might be a better potential for him to take care of...

This feels heavy to cope with.

Sally 969

Originally posted by Lady Spinster
Be honest, tell him that while you don't need his money, etc, you need his love.

That he makes you feel cherished, which is beyond price. That you need his warmth, his viewpoint, his humor.

That you need him to ground you and to lift you up into happiness.

If he can't see that our emotional and spiritual needs are just as important as our needs for food and shelter, then maybe he needs to grow up a bit more before he can be in a truly fulfilling relationship.


I second that greatly!

I was (and still am a little bit, just a little bit) feeling how your bf felt. I come from a family where the man is supposed to be the provider and take care of his woman (not meaning she isn't supposed to work and do things, but let her man "be tha' man").

So I followed and when I got married (divorced now) I carried on that so called value/tradition and I enjoyed it. Yes my ex worked and did things on her own, and had our responsibilities, but she knew I would "take care" of her and be the provider. Soon after our son was born, she did a complete 180 degree turn and wanted to be the "ruler" of the house and MY SON! NO COMPROMISE WHATSOEVER!

So after she split, I later met my lady now. Lemme tell ya', I haven't seen someone so independent before in my entire life!!! It was and still is a little hard to get used to as I am a leader by nature and know how it is to be independent and on my own. Then, when I have someone, I want to take care of them.

I know I shouldn't do this and I constantly get put in the doghouse for it, but sometimes I start arguments with my woman on how I am an independent person and how I have to feel like a man in our relationship, doesn't matter what the issues are (money, bills, chores, etc. . . ). But at that moment or later on, I realize I am with a distinguished, loving, woman that has 25 more years of life experience than me and that maybe, just maybe, it would benefit me to listen.

My lady calms me down and then explains to me that relationships are based on compromise, respecting, and considering where each person is coming from. So I listen (at least try) and take note. I then think to myself, "It's not so bad after all." She's teaching, guiding, and showing me things that I probably would have never learned, as stubborn as I am so, s'all good!

I feel you need to sit down and talk with your bf and lay everything out on the table then go from there. Relationships aren't just about compromise and expression of feelings, they're also about TEAMWORK! :)

Great post, Sugar!!!! And make no mistake about it: You are tha' man!!!!! And you take very good care of me!!! Have I told you lately that you rock my world and take my breath away? http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/swoon.gif

In the past couple of months. I've bailed Jeremy out a couple of times. He absolutely hated it and paid me back right away. He knows that I'm not exactly on steady feet either, but I still make more than him.

Eventually, his income will catch up. He is already talking about going back and finishing his degree so his income potential raises.

He says he wants to take care of me, too. I think that he will some day. But, for right now, I tell him, "Baby, I need you more than you'll ever know. You are my oasis in this harsh world, my dreamland away from the nightmares of everyday reality."

He may indeed mean financially, and this may be a goal of his down the road. I won't repeat what some other posters have already said.

Remember, though, in the meantime, there are many ways to take care of someone - including the every day stuff that we often take for granted.

My boyfriend and I take care of each other by cooking for each other, doing each others' laundry, doing chores, giving the spontaneous backrub...I could go on and on. And we say thank you to each other for the daily stuff.

There are lots of little ways that you can let him take care of you without sacrificing your integrity. Acknowledging his actions, even the little ones, will let him know that he is taking care of you.

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Relationships aren't just about compromise and expression of feelings, they're also about TEAMWORK!
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You guys are more helpful thah I ever thought. I'm glad I found you ! I really appreciate your help, and WOW! having a man's point of view is like a cherry on top of the sundae.

I think that since I am older than him and a lot of things have already been taken care of (housing, food, basic material stuff), he needs to feel that he can provide for more than that. He needs to feel like he's my hero and I'm going to make sure he does feel that way. How? I have yet to figure it out, but if you have any clues, please do throw in a few ideas. It may sound crazy (Joe, tell me if men like to feel like heroes in their women's eyes), but it might work.

Let's see... where do I start?

Sally969

Heheh, I'm sure Joe and other guys will reply, but - yes, in my experience men of any age love to be our heroes. :)

I'm older than my guy of course, and I am noooo dummy - but we do have different areas where we are experienced and we are very open about asking for assistance anywhere each other can help.

For instance, I am a longtime Mac person and he's been a PC whiz for many years. I've been using one of his computers lately because my power cord died and I have to wait for a new one to arrive. Well, there was a new program that looked as if it had lost a bunch of my data I had spent hours on, so I asked him to help me find it. He knew exactly where to look, and after that he said "once again, I'm your hero! ;)" And he was. :D

Now...there -are- people (probably not anyone on this site!) who would advise women to play helpless sometimes in order to build men's egos. That's not necessary and should be avoided, in case the suggestion comes up anywhere in life. There are plenty of real opportunities that can come up where your man can save the day, and more of them occur as you are more a part of each others' lives.