Ok, what does this mean, my bf is giving me mixed signals

I am 53, he is 33, he said that he knows I like him more than he likes me, and that he could never like me as much as I like him. Well...I told him the other day that I was in love with him. He said, he kinda thought so. We are still seeing each other. He phones me when I am not over his house, says he misses me. He is the one that took me on a trip to Vegas with him. He cooks for me all the time, makes sure I am Ok, worries about me. He said he never wants to live with anyone, wants to live alone in his house, have his space. He wants a non-exclusive relationship, but...he is not dating anyone but me.

When he asks me why I can't see him both days on the weekend, I tell him I have a date, I am honest with him. He says, a date? He acts all jealous. He said if you love me, why are you dating other guys, I told him it is because he does not want to commit to me, and until that time, I date other guys. I also said that I was giving him his space, that is what he wants. I am getting mixed signals. He has only had one other gf in his entire life besides me, just started dating in his early 30s.

Ok, so my question is, do you think he has feelings of love for me deep down and is just not admitting them to me or himself, or do you think he just likes me as a friend? I even mentioned buying a house together, him living in the South end, me in the North end, so he could have his space, he said that will never happen. Should i give up on this guy? He is a real sweet caring guy. He leans his head on my shoulder alot, kisses me tenderly on the cheek, when we are walking hand in hand, he raises my hand to his lips and kisses it tenderly. Are those signs of someone not in love with me, just a friend? He said we are much more than friends with benefits. He was insulted when I even said that to him, said, No, we are much more than that. But what??? I am confused here. Sorry to drone on so much, but I need your input guys, help!

Thanx.

I am no expert but it sounds like he has something holding him back from committing to you. What is his past like? Is he afraid of commitment? Is he dating another girl in the week?
If you get the vibe that he really loves you, then it's probably real. He might really love you but might be afraid to commit because of the age gap. If so, then he should come on this board and talk to everyone so he can be secure with dating you.
Why did he not start dating until 30?
How did that relationship go?
I need more info.
It sounds like he really loves you if he is kissing your hand. I kissed Alicia's hand a couple days ago only because I am mad in love with her still.
Kissing the hand is huge!!
There's something holding him back.
I am 26, she is 46.
Same 20 year age gap. She struggled a little with it, but I have never ever ever struggled with it. I'm crazy about her. If he is crazy about you he wouldn't worry about the age gap so much unless he has some commitment issues from his past.
Does he want kids? That is still one obstacle I don't know how we're going to overcome. I wish to God that women could have kids in their late 40's.
I would say talk to him and ask him why he won't commit to you. Tell him you deserve someone who loves you as much as you do them.
If he says the age gap bothers him, bring him here!
If you ever want a YM's perspective, I'll be right here for you.

Dave

Well luneib....to say the least, this guy has issues. I don't think you will get satisfaction in the end unless he changes very deep down. He sounds like a true commitmentphobe. These people can hang onto you for years in this limbo stage and unless they have real incentive to change, they will not. It is a comfort zone thing with them. They lose out on real love but until they understand that, they think they are exactly where they want to be, the heck with what your needs are. They use you when they need company, and then toss you back in the closet when they feel like only it to take you out later when it suits them. Oh yeah, but you are supposed to stay in your closet and be available to just them. :rolleyes:

This is extremely selfish and immature, especially at his age.

You deserve way more than this. When a guy says he likes you less than you like him, believe him. I say don't waste any more energy on him, sorry.

However - I just mentioned a book on another thread here called "He's Scared, She's Scared" - it's about commitmentphobic people and if you read it you may find some (useful) surprises.

Best wishes.

Thanx for your feedback GoldieCat. I'm sure you are right, that he will miss out on love, realize too late, he has to mature a bit still, still does not know what he wants.

Dave, here is the scenario. My bf did not date in his 20s since he had a hernia, was embarrassed by it, finally had it operated on, so all is well right now, that's why he did not start dating 'til his 30s. His last gf thought he was going to marry her, was in love with him as well, she turned psycho on him, tried black mailing him, got jealous if he even spoke to other women. She had been living at his place, paying room and board though, even though they were intimate. They even went on vacation together, a camping vacation I believe it was, something like that. She even put a distasteful sign on his car at work to embarass him, well...at least he thinks that is who did it since he asked everyone at work and no one knew about it at all. I'm sure that is part of the issue, him not wanting to commit to anyone. He is letting one bad woman ruin it for his chance at true happiness, well...that is how I see it.

I asked him if it was my age, he said, part of it was, and the other part was that I am divorced and getting divorced again, something to the effect he can't see himself with someone who is at another junction in their life, somewhere he has not even ventured yet. I know what he means, but I don't feel it is relevant if two people care about one another.

I am going to remain open minded, date other guys, still see my bf to go places with since we get along really well, but I have to try and remain open to relationships with other guys, try not to wear my heart on my sleeve, show my love for my bf to them. I have to give them a chance. The guy I will be dating this weekend is 6 years older than my bf, yes, still young, but he sounds more mature on the phone, plus, he has dated many women, so I think he knows which direction he is headed in, what he wants in his life, I doubt my present bf has a clue since he is immature as far as the dating scene goes. I wish he would date other women so he would know that I am right for him. I doubt any other woman would love him as much or adore him as much as I do.

Exactly how long have you been seeing this guy? Guys take longer to make commitments than gals do.

We have been dating since July 27th to be exact (LOL). I told him last night that I'd love if he could commit to me, but that it was actually probably too soon, just being 5 months we have known each other and that I was prepared to wait 1-1/2 years. Then he said to me, what, you don't think 5 months is long enough for that? Hmmm, mixed signals again.

This is guy is just so sweet, he buys me gifts, not that I need gifts, but it is a nice gesture. He has bought me boots, skirts, tops. Even if he did not buy me anything, I'd still be with him, he knows that too. He likes to spoil me.

Originally posted by luneib

Ok, so my question is, do you think he has feelings of love for me deep down and is just not admitting them to me or himself, or do you think he just likes me as a friend?

I'm a little confused about the term 'boyfriend' when you're dating other guys but that's not the point here, I guess.

The title of your thread says something about mixed signals. I think that he's being pretty clear - with his words. He's not throwing in the stuff about wanting to live alone...wanting a non-exclusive relationship...never feeling the same way about you as you do about him...he's not saying it for the heck of it.

If there is anything I've learned it's that we need to take other adults' words at face value. If someone is giving you mixed signals to the extent that you describe, he's got some issues to work through before he's ready. Me, I don't analyze anyone anymore, at least not extensively. If they're not someone I can have a friendship or a relationship with NOW, it just means that we're not ready to be together (in either capacity).

I spent 5 years with a man that did love me. He only said so in the context of "I love you, but...", but I just KNEW that deep down inside that he couldn't live without me (sarcasm here). We were great together, but he repeatedly said a lot of things to me about never wanting to get married, etc. but I just KNEW he'd change his mind. He never did, and I truly feel like I wasted most of that 5 years because I thought he'd come to grips with what I thought were his true feelings. He's 46 now, and is still running away from commitment.

BTW, my boyfriend hasn't dated many women but at 22, he knows what he wants more than any guy that I've ever met that is closer to my age.

Originally posted by Nessa
his gifts sound like gifts a man gives his mom or sister not his lover.

men in love give flowers give earings give romantic gifts for special ocasions and regular stuff at other times.


Yes and no . .. .

My honey is making more money than I am right now, and wants me to have nice things and feel special and all that. He know's I love clothes, and so if I admire a sweater or something, he'll oftentimes go back and buy it for me to surprise me for no good reason :) Of course he also brings me flowers, leaves sweet notes on my car, texts me during the day if we can't talk . .. it's part of the whole package. If all he was doing was buying clothes, and everyday clothes at that, then I would see that as more friendly than romantic.

As for the mixed signals . . . . sounds like he's not sure what he wants, and if he doesn't know, how can you? Maybe you should just sit down and ask him, and both of you should make your relationship priorities clear to each other, and yourselves.

Seraa

Well my bf did buy me black boots with 3" heels, sexy as hell boots. I doubt he'd buy those for his mom. (LOL).

We have an arrangement to date other people, 'cause he has only had one other gf, besides a few he has gone out with once, so he is lacking experience in the dating field and really needs to date others to actually know what he wants as far as anything related to love.

Originally posted by luneib
We have an arrangement to date other people, 'cause he has only had one other gf, besides a few he has gone out with once, so he is lacking experience in the dating field and really needs to date others to actually know what he wants as far as anything related to love.

Everyone is different and if it works for you two, that's all that matters, you know?

Thanx Science Goddess for your input. Yeh, we enjoy each others company alot. He told me the reason he likes me is that I am a very caring person. That's also the reason I like him. We compliment each other so well. He may not ever be able to get passed our age difference, but at least I will have met a lifelong friend 'cause no matter what happens, if I decide to get married again, and to someone else, he said he will always be my friend. I count myself lucky in that way, good friends are hard to find, friends who would go out of their way to do anything for you, he is that type of friend.

Nessa, I feel unsettled 'cause I don't know where my life is headed, that is to say, if bf and I are going to live together the rest of our lives, or will he not be able to commit to me because of the age difference. I love him, that is why I feel unsettled not knowing if he ever could love me, not knowing if he will ever be able to commit to me, change his mind about living together and not living by himself the rest of his life.

It is still too early to be able to see the future. Guys take longer to commit than women do. Women are ready at 7 to 8 months. It takes guys about a year and a half.

Quit with the asking him 20 questions. Quit telling him how much you love him. I would not worry about whether he dates ENOUGH or not. In fact if he doesn't want to date anyone, then I would not either. Just have fun and be good to each other.

Then at 18 months, I would have "the TALK". That gives him plenty of time to be able to commit and you plenty of time to see the REAL GUY you are dating. Then you two can go from there.
Good luck!

I agree with you yellowrose, wait the 18 months, I know, I am just going to enjoy his company right now. I figured that too, it takes a man longer to know what he is feeling, I totally agree with that.

Well, he's just not that into you.

I'm sorry, but if a guy is really into you, it would kill him to let you go out on dates with other guys (and I'm not talking about a mutual thing like Nessa & Brian have.)

He should want to be exclusive and that's that. Quit making excuses for him.

He is possesive of you, but only when it pleases him. The nights that he doesn't like you going on dates - I assume that he doesn't have a date for himself? What about nights that he has a date and you want to see him? The hand kissing and head snuggling are just manipulation to keep you stringing along.

Girlfriend, you deserve so much more. This guy just isn't into you and if he isn't by now, he never will be. Guys will tell you that when they are into a woman, they will move heaven and earth to be with them. Look at some of the other threads here where ym are completely smitten. Do you think they would even be considering dating other women if it meant that they would lose the woman of their dreams? Joe, Jerry, anyone?? Tell her!

And 18 months??? Please! Think of how many wonderful guys are out there while you're sitting around being a stand-in for the real girlfriend that he's waiting to come along! That whole time you are making yourself emotionally unavailable to other men.

If Jeremy told me it would take 18 months to tell me that he was going to stop sleeping around I'd say, "Fine. You're obviously not that into me. Buh-bye!" BTW - We've been going out 5 months, too. He wanted a commitment from me before we even made love the first time. It'd make him crazy to even think of me with another man. That is what a guy is like if he's really into you and not just "settling".

I don't believe in commitment -phobes. If you are right for them, they will commit and they will want you exclusively. If they won't, then they just aren't that into you.

I know it's hard to accept, because you love him, but he's not for you. You want a commitment/exclusivity and he doesn't. He would if he thought that you were the one for him.

Cut bait and get back out there and find someone that can give back to you what you give out. Love yourself enough to realize that you deserve to be loved!

In this particular case, I would go by what he does, not by what he says. He is not saying what she wants to hear, but he sure as heck is doing it. Five months is way too soon for a commitment.

Again, according to "stats" guys are usually ready to commit at 18 months... just FYI.

Of course in the end, the POSTER has to make up her own mind. We really don't know what is best for people. All we can do in the end is give them our OPINIONS and OUR experience... not necessary the devine crystal ball.

I think that this site is a "take what you need and leave the rest". They will have the results or consequences regardless.

But Nessa, he is not dating anyone, it is HER! He is doing everything a guy should do, except say he is in love with her. I say give it some time....

4 to 5 months...

Luneib - - -

Been out of town for a few days and just saw this thread.

I think 5 months is a little soon to be expecting a long-term commitment from him.

I also think if he were really into you, he would pitch a real fit about you going out with another guy.

You said he is not very experienced with women and I think he's comfortable with you and likes spending time with you. But I think he's only playing at a relationship. If you want to see how he really feels, you may have to test that.

Are you looking for a husband/permanent relationship or are you happy to be with this guy the way things are? If the answer is the former, then maybe you should tell him exactly what you are looking for and if he doesn't think he will ever be on the same page with that, then you should move on. Because if you are looking for that kind of commitment and he doesn't think he will ever commit, then you are spinning your wheels here.

Sometimes a person does not realize what they have or does not really analyze their own feelings until they are forced to do so. If you leave, he will either realize that he does care for you more than he has indicated or he will happily move on. If he can happily move on, then there never was a chance for the two of you anyway.

The question here is how much of your life are you willing to gamble on the outcome?

Personally, if I were in love with a guy and I was seeing that guy, I can't imagine going out with someone else. This is a foreign concept to me so just some curiosity questions here: When you are out with another guy, do you tell him about the first guy? Do you encourage him that you are available? What if you go out with a guy that "knocks your socks off?" Is the first guy history then?

Does the first guy go out with other women? If not, why not?

Originally posted by Peachy
Sometimes a person does not realize what they have or does not really analyze their own feelings until they are forced to do so. If you leave, he will either realize that he does care for you more than he has indicated or he will happily move on. If he can happily move on, then there never was a chance for the two of you anyway.


Good point, Peachy. I was thinking that happens sometimes, too.

Originally posted by Peachy
The question here is how much of your life are you willing to gamble on the outcome?

Personally, if I were in love with a guy and I was seeing that guy, I can't imagine going out with someone else. This is a foreign concept to me so just some curiosity questions here: When you are out with another guy, do you tell him about the first guy? Do you encourage him that you are available? What if you go out with a guy that "knocks your socks off?" Is the first guy history then?



Here's the thing: It's unlikely that we're going to meet 'another guy' that knocks our socks off if we're emotionally attached to the first guy.

(And if we do, then I guess we weren't really all that into the first guy in the first place.)

Just because we're dating other guys doesn't mean that we're really looking for someone else. It may just be a perfunctory activity.

Yes, I talk about my first bf when I am out with other guys, I can't help it, it just comes out of my mouth, I know I know, that's bad to do. I have stopped that though as of recent, I have to if I want to find the right guy for me, give others a chance. One guy just clicked on me today online, nice looking, more my age, I'm thinking, maybe I should give him a chance, he is also looking for a long term relationship so it might work, then I won't have to be going through all of these emotions with my first bf and we could just stay friends. It is like a roller coaster for me now with my first bf 'cause he doesn't know what he wants in his life, I need someone who knows what he wants in his life. That is probably an older guy, not much older, but someone around 39 or 40.

You are right, if bf lets me date others, he is not as much into me as I am him.

My bf does date other women, but they only date him once, he is not a gorgeous hunk type, he is short, has a receding hairline, but I love everything about him and he knows that. I guess time will tell, but I am not going to wait around forever either, I am 53 years old. I want someone to lavish my attention on, to be a bf who absolutely adores me, that is what I am looking for. I am going to date a new guy tonight, my bf knows that, he is fine with it, the guy is 39, I'll see how that goes, dinner out and dancing at some clubs afterwards.

Well, have a great day guys!

Originally posted by luneib
I need someone who knows what he wants in his life. That is probably an older guy, not much older, but someone around 39 or 40.

Plenty of younger guys know what they want - mine, for instance. Don't make the same mistake your bf seems to be making and judge all others by him.

To be 33 and really not know what he wants in a relationship is actually kind of late in life. Most people have done more dating than he has by then and I would say this is a big factor in him being late to develop. I think the majority of really solid guys have a good idea what they want by their late 20s. Go by the PERSON and not the age, there's no reason to limit yourself.

Best wishes and have a fun date. :)

Originally posted by luneib
Yes, I talk about my first bf when I am out with other guys, I can't help it, it just comes out of my mouth, I know I know, that's bad to do.

Well yah'!!! You'll never get a guy that way!


I have stopped that though as of recent, I have to if I want to find the right guy for me, give others a chance. One guy just clicked on me today online, nice looking, more my age, I'm thinking, maybe I should give him a chance, he is also looking for a long term relationship so it might work, I need someone who knows what he wants in his life. That is probably an older guy, not much older, but someone around 39 or 40.

Why do you "need" to find anyone, why not just take some time for yourself and then let it happen?


You are right, if bf lets me date others, he is not as much into me as I am him.

Whatdya' mean "Let's" you??? You're the one doing it.


My bf does date other women,. . .

You said earlier that he doesn't date any other women!?!?!?!?


. . . but they only date him once, he is not a gorgeous hunk type, he is short, has a receding hairline, but I love everything about him and he knows that.

Great! So now you aren't giving him any credit because of his looks but you love him anyway. Well, don't be so sure that other women don't find him attractive.


I guess time will tell, but I am not going to wait around forever either, I am 53 years old. I want someone to lavish my attention on, to be a bf who absolutely adores me, that is what I am looking for. I am going to date a new guy tonight, my bf knows that, he is fine with it, the guy is 39, I'll see how that goes, dinner out and dancing at some clubs afterwards.


I don't mean to sound rude or hasty here Luneib, but you sound desperate! Why do you "need" anybody? It constantly sounds like you always need a man in your life.

So now, you're not sure if you are going to stay with your current bf, yet, you are wanting to date other guys and then meet one from the internet because you think he's a good match (hmmm. . . "the domino effect"). If you ask me, you need to gain some independence for yourself and quit worrying who you want to be with.

Yeesh. Sometimes you people scare me. It's only been five months.

Luneib - if you're enjoying hanging out with him on these terms, and you're not in tremendous emotional pain, then just try to let go of "the rest of your life". The rest of your life will get sorted out and eventually the two of you will either bond into an exclusive relationship, or you'll decide that it's not happening and move on.

I can't predict the future. Right now, he isn't there. It is your choice if you want to hang in, enjoy yourself and see if he does get there or you want to walk right now because 5 months is your deadline and you want someone who knows what they want - period.

Neither is right or wrong. Some people can't handle waiting and seeing for a while and on the other hand, some of the best relationships I've ever seen happened by one partner hanging in for a while till the other came around.

Your decision. Honestly. Just do what makes you happy. That's what it's about.