Difficulties

I'm an 18 year old male with serious problems. We all have them right? But I am in love with a woman who is 12 years my senior. She also happens to be married and have 2 children. We talk every night on the phone and I'm very much in love with this woman and am not currently in a financial situation where I can support her and her children, so she stays with her husband.

It kills me when I think about the fact that she and her husband probably make love on occasions. I cannot stop thinking about this woman, is it unhealthy?

In a nutshell... yes. She's married.

It's not the age gap. If she was not married, I would say something else. But, she's married.

And I feel badly for you.

If she leaves her husband for you and not for herself, then you will always have that guilt and worry that she'd do the same to you. The trust factor would so not be there. Not healthy.

Being in love with someone 12 years older is not the issue.

~phosphorescent

I wish it were as simple as to be able to say, "Youre right I want out of this". But I'm very,very emotionally attached. It kills me that she's married, but she has so much stuff going on in her life that getting a divorce just would seem...problematic. I understand all too well its wrong to love a married woman.

But I can't help it. She admits she still loves her husband, but says she loves me also. Weve used up more phone minutes than previously thought possible, averaging about 7 hours of conversation a night, and have driven the hours it takes to see eachother for the short periods possible. I'm just very distraught.

I don't know really. Id like to think I have self-esteem. Its just I love her so much.

Sorry. Im just confused and whatnot.

I love her eyes, her personality, her unique band choices, her kindness, the little clicking sound she makes when she laughs, pretty much everything about her.

Wev'e spent quite a lot of time together. Not much as lovers, truth be told. But quite a lot. And I can't imagine ever feeling this way again.

I may be an emotionally weak person. I admit this. I just wanted opinions. Id like to not think of her husband. Its wrong and I feel horrible. I'd like to leave the relationship, I just don't know if I would be able to remain a stable person.

Hi sealwils,

Can I ask how you met this woman? Did you know she was married ? Anyway, you do now, and worse yet, you know she still loves her husband and is having sex with him as well as hurting him by sneaking out to have sex with you. Gee honey, how did things ever get to this point ? Is she the first woman you have had sex with? Could be your confusing those feelings for "love", but I have to agree with everyone so far and everything they have said to you. This is not a healthy relationship or one with much of a future unless your content with meeting up for sex once in a while with someone who your getting "seconds" from. :( I could understand this better if she could see no way out .......Ive been there myself, but this woman has SAID shes still in love with her husband, so to me it sounds like she is just having marital problems and boosting her ego having a y/m find her attractive. Maybe it boosts your ego to have an older married woman wanting to be with you too but even if thats ok with both of you, I feel sorry for the ladys husband . Im a great believer in "what goes around, comes around", so Id do some seriious thinking about weither or not you want to continue with this LOVE or no LOVE. .. I dont see any winners here.

We met 2 years ago actually . We did not have sex in this time period so there was nothing illegal going on. Anyhow, she and her husband were on the rocks. We developed a very close friendship and recently I realized that Im desperately in love with her. It was always in the back of my mind but just recently, like within the past couple of months wev'e actually seen eachother. She did get back with her husband but it really does seem like a no way out situation. It almost seems like she's trying to convince herself of loving him. But Im no professional. It was the way she said it. She said "I've had kids with him I think I'll always love him"

I really don't know. I know I should get out of the situation. Thank you for the advice. I'm just...hoping maybe she would be able to get away from her husband. Thank you for being helpful.

The way you get out of the situation, involves a couple of things. First you have to decide whether you are going to be a man of good moral character or just a man.

You have to look at all the negatives. I want to add one:

You might be possibly murdered by her husband.

It happens all the time dear heart. So if you like living dangerously, then please leave a will and a letter of how much you love your siblings and friends. I know they would appreciate it.

I hope you are a man of character rather than just another man. Courage is doing the right thing even when we feel scared.
Good luck...
Barbara

Weve used up more phone minutes than previously thought possible, averaging about 7 hours of conversation a night

Question.....

How does a married woman with 2 children average 7 hours of conversation a night?

Her husband does sound like a very irritable guy.

And its not easy. It usually lasts until about 3 A.M. or so...which really kinda messes up my work schedule.

And its not easy. It usually lasts until about 3 A.M. or so..

Question....

Where is her husband during these conversations?

Her husband is at work.

Oh Sealwils....

Your in a 'no win' situation here and I wish I could just 'shake' you out of it.

Shes bored with her life and is getting excitment and 'whatever' from your little interludes.

It isn't right, it just isn't right...... Of Course hes irritable.... Like she would probably find 'you' irritable after a few years of being with you.

Youngster......At some stage or another you 'must' cut your losses ....This is not fair on you.

I wish for you to find someone else eventually..... Because you are just going to get sick of this and 'really' you don't need this Head ****k right now at this stage of your life....... You should be going out and having fun times with your mates!!!

Tinka

Originally posted by yellowrose

You have to look at all the negatives. I want to add one:

You might be possibly murdered by her husband.

It happens all the time dear heart. So if you like living dangerously, then please leave a will and a letter of how much you love your siblings and friends. I know they would appreciate it.



Ugh, now that is an ugly reality, Barbara. But...sealwils, she's right.


I'd like to address Nessa's question: do you love her morals? her ethics?

I'd also like to go a step further and ask if you've examined your own.

I wrote something for myself about 4 1/2 years ago that I'll paste below. Take it for what you will. Remember, whereever you go, there you are.



It's amazing, really, the human memory, even after inundating it with "stuff". Now, mine may not be what it used to be before all the "stuff", but, again, it is amazing.

When you are "younger" and testing out the world and testing out yourself and trying to figure out how you want to be and what you are, you are constantly in the position of making choices. Often, these choices concern moral and/or ethical decisions that affect others; sometimes these choices mostly affect ourselves. Whichever it may be, be aware that these choices will stick in your long-term memory, gaining, not losing, clarity as you get older - particularly the ones that you would rather forget.

I will be 34 in a few months. There are things that I have done and choices I have made which, for years, I had forgotten about all together. These 'forgotten memories' have a way of coming back to you later in life. I believe that I am an extremely ethical person for the most part, but there are things I've done that I am not proud of. I don't really have many regrets about things I've done, but, take my word for it, you will not forget the things that you think, you hope, you will.

Think twice before listening to the devil sitting on your shoulder.

Summer 1999

Originally posted by Nessa
do you love her morals? her ethics? her sense of fair play? how she snores and drools? how about the cute way she passes gas and gets all embarressed?

the things you talk about are not love they are infatuation.

the drama you talk about is not love.....

i love the guy i'm with SO MUCH that when he thought he loved another woman and wanted to be with him I let him go to her.. I HELPED him get to her......

IF you love her you will think of her husband and her kids and her family life and know that you are just a toy to her.....

Great Point...

Originally posted by sealwils
I'm just...hoping maybe she would be able to get away from her husband.

Well, if I was him, you'd be at the funeral home already son.

And if she does get away from the man she's married to, who's to say she ain't gonna do the same to you?

What goes around comes around!

Originally posted by Joe


What goes around comes around!

And, dude, karma bites HARD.

Thank you very much everybody. Alot of what you guys said actually was helpful. Except the guy that told me I'd be in the funeral home if he were the husband, that isn't very comforting. Thanks for the thought though.

Thank you.

Okay...
I have a slightly different viewpoint from the others, but bear with me.

I'm a 33 year old married woman with 2 children. Recently I found myself developing a very strong emotional and physical attraction to a guy your age. Not that I'm a saint or anything for doing it, but I opted not to tell the guy how I felt, (and told my husband about it instead.) Mostly I didn't tell him because I would've felt so sorry for putting him in the middle of a situation that he didn't deserve to suffer through. Just like you are suffering now.

There are likely a thousand reasons why your woman wants you. Being with you probably ignites a whole range of emotions that she hasn't felt with her husband since they dated. You also are keeping a special secret that just the two of you share, which adds a lot of excitement to the romance. I would guess though if you had to "come out" so to speak, the reality of the situation would alter your perceptions of one another.

You would be wise to believe your woman when she says she loves her husband. There are others here that might not agree, but I believe you can be in love with more than one person, because love covers a whole range of feelings inside. I'm pretty sure, though, that it would be impossible for her to go on like this forever. Something's got to give.

I think you'd be better off if you backed away from the situation and told her to go figure out what she wanted from her marriage. You said you can't provide for her, maybe she just can't imagine giving up what she has with her husband to face the reality of being with you. The way it is now, she gets both of you. If you back off, then she has to decide if it's worth staying in her safety zone with him, or taking a chance with you.

Oh yeah, about the bad karma that everyone keeps mentioning. You didn't set out to take this woman away from her husband, did you? There are plenty of people who get married and then wake up one day and realize that they have changed and, even though it's sad, don't want to be married anymore. It happens every day. I'm not saying it's OK, I'm just saying it's unrealistic to expect everyone to be perfect and never become dissatisfied with where their life has taken them. It doesn't mean that they're bad people. I wouldn't necessarily blame you just for being there when her marriage was failing.

Originally posted by Nessa
dude i already said that! but not as well as you did...

oops. . . my bad Nes! :o


Originally posted by sealwils
Thank you very much everybody. Alot of what you guys said actually was helpful. Except the guy that told me I'd be in the funeral home if he were the husband, that isn't very comforting. Thanks for the thought though.

Thank you.

Ha! Whether it's "comforting" or not, IT'S REALITY! Read Yellowroses' post on the first page. You keep playin' with fire you're gonna get burned! Sorry.

I'm just saying it's unrealistic to expect everyone to be perfect and never become dissatisfied with where their life has taken them. It doesn't mean that they're bad people. I wouldn't necessarily blame you just for being there when her marriage was failing.
Zan, this is a good rationalization and makes the situation seem ok.

I WOULD, however, blame him for being there because it is he who choses to be there. MAYBE the marriage would not end IF he were not there. MAYBE children would not be hurt if he were not there. MAYBE a husband who has done nothing wrong would not be hurt if he were not there. MAYBE the original poster could go on and find a loving woman for himself if he were not THERE.

What goes around, comes around is SO true.

I wish my first X was here to discuss HIS story (we had lunch yesterday and talked about this very subject).

He cheated on me. Then got involved with a girl who was with someone else and cheated on him with my X. Then when they broke up, he fell for a girl who ended up cheating on him.

I think he's gone full circle here with the wheel of Karma, but it's taken over 10 years of DISASTER.

You're in a train wreck waiting to happen. Step back, so you don't get caught in the wheels.

I honestly believe that now that my X's life has come full circle and he's endured the guilt, the agony, the pain, jealousy and suffering... the next woman he falls for will probably be the one. I have faith for him, because his changes and experiences have led him to a place where he will make a good partner... now.

But do not set the cosmos against you ~ it's a long road to travel down and it will have repercussions for so many years and in so many different ways...

... if my advice can save you the agony and dispair that my X (a very good friend who I care dearly for) has gone through, then at least it will have not all been for naught.

Man, I wish he would just stop LURKING around here and start posting, because he's got a LOT to offer... (and my friend X, I know you'll read this!! LOL)

~phosphorescent

Yellowrose,

Yes, my rationalization could make it sound like marital infidelity is OK. BUT, you'll notice that I also told him that I thought it would be best for him and all other parties to back off until the married older woman figures out if she does or doesn't want to be married.

Yes, he may be the root cause of this woman's marital problems, or he could simply be a symptom of them. Either way, she's not going to be available for a real relationship until she straightens out her feelings about her husband. And no matter how much she professes to care about sealwils, he will still be that woman's "extramarital affair" while she is married. Not a happy thing.

You have said what I'm thinking perfectly.

You are in a difficult situation here. This woman needs to figure out what is missing from her marriage and either work hard to get it fixed or if it can't be fixed leave it. This is very easy to say but very hard to do.

I admire that you have graciously stood up to some of the cold realities of people's opinions here. It shows grace under fire and maturity.

Do yourself and this woman you have fallen for a favor and back away gracefully. Somebody has to do it and it looks like it might have to be you.

Doing the right thing isn't easy. Good luck to you.

oh my gosh....poor thing....she really is using you...believe me, i have been there, except I was the other woman and he promised me he would leave her and never did....good thing i wised up and dumped him.....i feel very badly for you...because I am sure your feelings are sincere....I just met someone and he is also 18 years old...and I am, well, I am 32, but I am single with no one in my life, except my daughter....and he is amazing...that is scares me.....right now I don't understand what I am feeling, but he thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world...and it makes me feel great...is that wrong.. to feel wonderful and happy...I have not felt that way in years....I feel for you....there are plenty of single older women out there....

I really do appreciate everybody taking the time to offer me advice. It really is hard to hear so many people saying its best for me to leave the woman I truly I feel I love like I can no other. But I really should. I mean I understand that.

Infidelity is wrong. I am not proud of the fact that the woman is married, it really has tore me up emotionally. Shes just in a situation where its very difficult to leave her husband but swears it can be done within the next year and a half.

Should I wait? I believe with all my heart my love is true. I never felt this way. Ive always been one to scoff at things like true love. I would have nearly beat myself to death if I could have heard myself the way I am now. I'm just very confused. But again thank everyone so much for listening and offering advice. It seems in life its hard to find people who listen.

I agree with everyone else here...but I have stronger feelings because i have seen the emotional damage this has done to the kids involve.

you have to understand that once those kids figure out why they parents broke up and it involve you, its not going to go easy for you or this lady. This will change them. There will anger, rebellion, hatred which in your 18 years, you're not prepare to deal with. You and this lady don't have the right to inflict such pain on these children. How dare you think that your love for this woman is so above anyone, especially the security and comfort of this family.

It amazes me...no...it shouldn't amaze me but it does...the selfishness of those who claim to be good people with good morals and values. And love...once you find it should be held above anything else even the feelings and emotions of others who will be emotionally scared from such a betrayal. Because you both are betraying the husband and those children...how dare you both think this is right because you are in love.

Being in love IS an selfless emotion. It thinks of the other person's well being, their comfort, their needs, their wants, their life, their health, their spirituality, their physical and emotional comfort, their souls. It makes adjustments, compromises, negiotates, angues, releases tension, repents, regrets, forgives, is kind, it lifts, loves unconditionally.

Can you say this is what this relationship is? If she's having problems in her marriage, it is up to her to tell her husband that unless he doesn't work with her on resolving their issues, she will leave, that she finds you attractive and she doesn't want to break the promise that she made to him. And it is a promise you are helping her to break...believe me, you won't be happy because each time you both look at those kids you will be reminded of the price you paid for your selfishness.

you being involve in this situation will not encourage her to work this out, this is why your morals are in question because a man of character will not compromise his stewardship by selling it to a cheap love that she had no business encouraging you in accepting.

The only thing you and this lady have proven is that you are both untrustworthy and liars. You only have what she says about this man to go by...he may be a good man, trying his best to provide for his family...making sure that his wife has food and clothes and his kids are happy and healthy. But you don't know that do you? you want to believe her, a woman who will lie to her husband to be with you...a liar. Oh yes, you have the best of the best there buddy.

But what really ticks me off is that she would use a 18 year old on the brink of knowing life and cultivating relationships that should be uplifting you, making you a better person...helping you to enjoy life and loving unselfishly. This relationship should have been off limits to her regardless of what situation her marriage was. Being 18 is such a special time in one's life, and this kind of pain will be with you always...it will change you, it will redefine you as a man, a friend, a b/f, a lover and someday a husband. hopefully it will grow in you a seed to ask for the very best that love has to give you, you deserve such, don't you think... instead of a second rate love that she's offering you.

Paris

Should I wait? I believe with all my heart my love is true ARe you really reading the thread? NO... DO NOT WAIT. A year and a half???? Sweetie, you are being so played, it is not even funny. This woman is definitely leading you on. It makes me sick. Pray to God her husband doesn't find out. Do what ever you have to do but get away from her ASAP!

YES... Paris... you are right on... well said.

No honey. The answer is that you shouldn't wait. And that you will meet again, sooner or later and probably sooner, another woman who will make your heart sing just as much or more, and that woman will, even better, be available and able to really be there for you.

And it will be so much richer than what you have now that you will look back to this time and wonder how you could possibly have endured this.

I promise this is true. I've been 18 and now I'm 40 and I have seen it happen over and over again.

We all have these experiences with loving someone who cannot be in our lives. It's an ouch. But it makes us able to appreciate what comes afterward so much more. Better things await. Guaranteed!

Youngser....... That is some very very good advice you got there.

The thing you find sometimes when you are in this type of situation - where the person you are/or think you are in love with is 'out of reach',

You tend to kind of put them on a pedestal, you know, you think they are better than they really are.... because they seem so far away.... Its the things we can't have that we really want, type of thing.

Anyway......Your 'Girl' is out there waiting for you .... This is true.

But you gotta get out of the way of the door, cos she can't get in....This may take some time my youngster friend, but believe me, its going to come true for you xx

Tinks:)

i totally agreed w/ tinkerbell & desert spring's comments above...gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that u got played like that... :( :(...someone that can truly love u WILL come along like what DS said...

hugs,
ng

Originally posted by irparis

how dare you both think this is right because you are in love

I think it's obvious from your posts, Sealwils, that you realize this isn't right. If you didn't, you wouldn't be such an emotional wreck about it. It's a very hard situation. I was in it myself, and left, because I realized I wasn't doing my daughter any good having her grow up in a home with parents who were miserable. The difference is this woman admits she still loves her husband. I didn't, and knew it.

If she's having problems in her marriage, it is up to her to tell her husband that unless he doesn't work with her on resolving their issues, she will leave

And she should confront him about it. It isn't easy, but it's what needs to be done. Do you know is she's talked to him about their situation? (I think Paris meant to say "unless he DOES work with her...she will leave.)

But what really ticks me off is that she would use a 18 year old on the brink of knowing life and cultivating relationships

I really have to agree with Paris on this one!!! I don't in any way mean to demean you because of your age, but I'd hazard a guess this is your first relationship as an adult. You don't have the history/life experience to be expected to deal with this sort of situation, and out of concern for you, she should have taken that into consideration. However, human hearts being what they are, sometimes the feelings override the logic. It's an unfortunate situation, and she's the only one who can make it better, by making a decision one way or another. Basically, by being there for her, you're unintentionally enabling her to avoid dealing with her marital problems. Nothing is going to improve until she makes a decision and acts on it.

...I know what you're going through. I am going through something pretty similar myself.
Let me tell you my story in a nutshell, so you can see the similarities and differences.
I am 26, no kids, no attachments. Earlier this year, I met a wonderful 46 year old and fell in love with her. She fell head over heels ga-ga with me too.
She explained to me she wasn't single officially, because she had her boyfriend of 12 years living with her still in her studio. She said she had been trying to break up with him for 2 years, ever since she had gotten sober and "woken up", so to speak.
Their whole relationship was based on codependency.
He was a speed and pot addict, and she was an alcoholic. But, ever since she sobered up 2 years ago, she has wanted him out.
But he refused to respect her wishes and had not left because of his own selfish reasons.
She was never in love with him and they got together for all the wrong reasons. They had no kids together-her choice-and would never be married- her choice again.
During their drug-induced codependency days, he learned how to manipulate and control her. He became a parent alomost to her, telling her she can't do this, that etc. He had begun to feel like he owned her. She had lost all her strength, love, sense of well-being, etc.
So, she meets me and is happy, starts to discover love is possible again, and tells him to get out.
He doesn't, so she moves into her sister's place, and after about a month and a confrontation with me in which I straight armed him for getting in my face, he finally moves out of her place and she moves back into her place.
We spend the summer very happily and in love together, but I could tell by the sometimes sad and empty look in her eyes that she wasn't totally free from this man.
They had still been talking behind my back when we were together. They hadn't had closure, and both of them I think needed and wanted it (12 years IS a long time).
And it all came to a head on Halloween. I came over in the morning to see why she hadn't answered her phone, and HE was sitting there next to her bed, and she was crying and a mess.
Long story short (if that's possible!) he threatens to kill himself if she doesn't give him another chance.
Since she had a brother kill himself (he knew this) she was super sensitive to suicide, so she said he could stay for a couple days.
Well, a couple days has now turned into 6 weeks.
When this happened, I came to this board seeking help. Everyone here told me the same things they're telling you. Get away. Karma. You deserve better. Leave the bit--.
I heard it all. And my reaction was the same as yours: "But I love her and have never felt this way. I can't leave her!"
And I haven't. I gave her space for about a week, and she called. I gave another week of space and time, and she called again, thanking me for letting her go so she can see just how unhappy she is with this man. Then I would run into her over and over and it was apparent we were still madly in love.
I want to be with her more than anything. But, right now I can't because he refuses to leave her. She tells him every day to leave and that she DOES NOT love him at all anymore, she doesn't let him even touch her, and he keeps threatening to kill himself if she kicks him out, so he keeps staying, causing him, her and me pain.
In the last 3 weeks I have gone on a roller coaster of emotions. And I don't deserve it.
Now, I am giving her space and time again, so she can muster the strength to leave him- by herself- without my help. It's just something she has to do on her own, and me being in the picture helps no one.
This man threatened to have someone slit my throat that morning too. People do get killed over things like this, especially with guys like this who are emotionally unstable.
So, watch out, because I am. I ain't dying over this woman. I love her to death (no pun intended!), but I ain't getting killed ala O.J. style just because I love her.
Back off is my advice.
If your love is real like ours is, you will be confident that it will survive the test of time. I know ours will, and me being a part of her life while she is trying to get this man out is not necessary. She told me just yesterday, "I love you David. And I don't love him. Be patient. Trust me. He will leave."
And I do trust her. It will just take time.
Once he is out, then I will be her good friend, and once she feels ready to get in a relationship again, I will be there.
But, you have to let her go. You have to.
I know it's hard to let someone go, trust me, I have never even cried like this before, since I was like 5.
You must do it though.
You are young like me, and even though there are many girls out there and we both know they don't compare to our women, it's okay to meet them and mingle and hook up.
Go out and make yourself happy.
That's my advice. If you claim you are a man- and at 18 you are- you will do what's right. She will respect you that much more. She won't respect some little love starved pathetic teenager. She will respect a man who lets her go because he loves her so much, though. Just explain to her that although you love her, she is bad for you and you need to surround yourself with positive situations.
Then don't call her. If she calls you, be firm, use tough love. Plus, this will hasten them breaking up, which is what you want right?
Just tell her, "I love you, but you are married. Call me when you are not married and are ready for my love. If I am single when you call, and I still want to give you another chance, then we'll talk. Bye."
My situation is a little different because there aren't any kids or a marriage standing in our way. Just one weak pathetic selfish man, and he will be gone soon.
That's my advice, from one younger man to another.
Stay strong brother.

PM me if you like.


Dave

Hmm.. Should you wait a year and a half for this woman?

Only if you are willing to.....

1. Realize that she will not be available to you whenever your heart has a desire to share news with her....or just to hear her voice.

2. Realize that you can not just call her up and go out at any given moment because she has a husband that she must be deceitful to in order to meet with you.

3. Realize that since she is married and has a family that she will be gone during holidays and vacations to spend time with her husband and children. That you will be left out in the cold, while she is warm in her husband's bed and in his embrace. Sharing and making memories with him, and not you.

4. Realize that when you do get to meet after careful manipulation and deceitfulness on her part to her husband, that you both will be constantly looking over your shoulders in fear of him showing up at any given moment.

5. Realize that anything material that you do give to her, ie jewelry or presonal items, will not be worn with pride and love because she must hide these items from her husband.

6. Realize that if in fact you do get to meet for so called encounters and you do run into her husband she will deny your existence, and this will crush your heart.

7. Realize that on the weekends when husband is home that she will not be available to you because she is playing her role of wife during the weekend.

8. Realize that she will be sleeping in his bed every night, having his arms around her, and having sex with her. Because you must realize that in order to keep up with this deceitful act she must continue to perform her wifely duties in order not to draw suspision.

9. Realize that she is taking care of him and his desires on a daily basis. She is making him happy as a wife, isn't this why she doesn't leave him? She is fianancially secure in her marriage, and you are just someone that she can have "fun" with.

But most importantly ....

9. Realize that after this year and a half of waiting for her that she will be even more committed to her marriage and you will only be her secret affair and most likely if you have continued these encounters and kept it a secret for so long, then she will have no desire to leave her husband....after all you and her have gotten very good at the lying, the manipulating and the deceit that there would be no reason for her to leave her marriage. She will have her cake and eat it too.

Stop the vicious cycle before you get hurt. Trust me it is not worth the frustration, the aggravation and most importantly it is not worth your heart being shattered into a million pieces over someone that plays both ends.

And........even if she does eventually leave her husband and by chance comes to you......how can you trust her? How will you know that she will not do the same thing to you as she is doing to her husband?

Its a hard decision for you, I understand this.....but walk away now, its so much easier now than later.

Just my thoughts,
Love,
Sora

Great post Sora.......

Sounds like youve been there done that kind of thing!!

Tinka

Your right on SoraNoYume . You have brought up all the things that a person rarely conciders in this kind of situation when their thoughts are focused on "being in love" and "how good" their intimate moments are together. Somehow its easy to get blinded by emotions and Im glad you posted a great "reality check list" for sealwils.
sealwils, being that this is your first time feeling these emotions , making a decision to move on may be something your not going to hear right now, but I do hope you will try and separate the feelings you have for this woman from the reality of the situation and do some hard thinking about it at least. Its just not a good situation no matter how good it FEELS. I think if you think of this womans husband, and apply the good old GOLDEN RULE, you will know the right thing to do. DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU. If you dont like that one, try WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND..... think about it, thats all.
:)