having trouble waiting . . . .

Little background on me, I'm 24 and have very few friends my own age. Most are at least 5 years older than me, as I'm more on their level maturity wise. I've dated anywhere from 3 years younger than me to 11 years older than me, and much prefer older women.

So I meet this woman this past summer through some mutual friends. There was a little spark there then that I was picking up on, but I found out she was married. She filed for divorce in September of this year (found all this out just within the last couple weeks). I ran into her again maybe a month ago and we started chatting online a little bit, started becoming friends. Couple weeks ago a bunch of us all go out and me and her spend most of the night talking about anything and everything. We begin to start chatting more and we went out by ourselves last Friday. She had mentioned a couple times through the night though that she wanted her divorce to be final and be emotionally ready for dating again before she began dating.We both had a GREAT time and would've stayed out longer, but I had to be at work the next morning so we didn't stay out too late. We got along great and I started to become attracted to her as more than just friends. We emailed back and forth a bit over the weekend and ended up going to dinner and a movie Sunday night as friends. On the way back from the movie I told her that I was attracted to her in a more than friends manner, but wanted to respect her wishes on waiting to start dating again. She said that she was feeling the same way towards me, but she wasn't ready yet. Both of us are amazed at how easy it is for the two of us to communicate our feelings to each other and how similarly we view things. So we met for lunch Monday and today, again as friends. Had a great time hanging out with her as usual, but it's getting harder for me knowing what I want and that I can't have it until she's ready. Obviously I want to completely respect her desire to wait until she's ready because it's not fair to either of us really if she doesn't. I end filling a "void" and she doesn't handle her situation like she needs to. We have talked briefly about the "timeframe" in which she thinks she will be ready, and she doesn't know. Her divorce is final next Friday, and I think that once she makes it through the holidays single she'll be alright. She married the guy she started dating junior year in high school and is now 31. She has mentioned that she should've walked away from the marriage 5 years ago, so my impression is that it wasn't that great of marriage for a while.

So my dilemna is this, I want to wait until she's ready to date to respect her wishes, but I also want to continue getting to know her just as a friend. The more time I spend with her the more I become attracted to her. I have to remind myself occasionally that we agreed to wait and that I am indeed not dating her, we're just friends.

Anybody have any tidbits to share to help make the waiting process easier?

Originally posted by Big Dave
Anybody have any tidbits to share to help make the waiting process easier?


All you can do is just be her friend and wait. She needs some time to regroup given that divorce takes a toll on someone physically, mentally, and emotionally. I would try to keep my distance (that doesn't mean you can't be there for her or not be her friend) for a while as to avoid any rebound effect which may occur and is very common when relationships end.

Take it easy, take it slow, and always give someone (especially in her situation) time to recoup and focus on themselves, until they're ready to take on the world again.

Wow, it sounds wonderful. You are so smart to respect her wishes. This will work out best for YOU as well as for her. The key to keeping to her boundaries is to not be in any places where it is too easy to slip. Keep meeting for lunch and talking on the phone. Try to not get in an every day habit but make it regular just like you would with a close friend. If you can stay "adult" about it and think LONG TERM instead of short term satisfaction, you have the makings of a great relationship. Good luck!

Thanks for the confidence boost, that's what I really think I'm needing right now. In the past, I've started pushing harder in situations like this and I CANNOT do that here. Like if a woman were to start drifting away I'd try to reel her in, and more often than not it ended in failure. She's not really "drifiting" away, but it's not progressing like I wish it would. The thing I need to remember here is that she has voiced interest, but is not emotionally or mentally able to pursue that interest right now. Luckily the next couple weeks are quite busy for both of us, so that'll help things out. I definately think I need to slow things down though for my sake, just to slow down what's going on with me.

Big Dave....
First of all, welcome! Second, I hope you stick around here and post a lot, because you sound like an amazing, mature, level headed guy! Wow...what a luckly lady to have a man nuts about her, but willing to put her needs-to-heal before his. I bet a lot of us ladies here wonder if you have a single brother?!?!

Seriously, you are doing everything perfectly....give her the space she needs, honoring her boundaries all the way, and she won't be able to keep herself from falling madly, deeply in love with you when she is ready. Respect is sexy. Keep giving it to her (respect;) ), and things will go well in time.

Also, a little thing to maybe tuck away...even though she was very ready for the divorce, when it is "final", there may be a small sense of loss-revisited for her. You never know...some rejoice when the divorce is final, some mourn a bit. Be her friend and hear her out if she needs you next Friday.

Best!
Karen

Its quite mature of you to recognize and respect her needs at this time in her life. The holidays are going to be tough after the divorce is final as everyone will more then likely be paired up. Let her lead you in this, this way you won't be the guy she rebounds on or depends on to get her emotionally and mentally out of other couple situations...rebounds almost never last and I'm getting the impression you don't want a relationship where you are an after thought.

Remember that friends last longer and will prepare you for a more serious relationship if that is what you are seeking. A friendship relationship invites you to see the person on a more personal level before sex makes it a more emotional level. Since you can't live in bed 24/7...this will give you the opportunity to strengthen your own support/emotional/mental/spiritual skills so that when life throughs you a curve ball you can better react to find a better solution than dwell on the consequence. So enjoy the friendship...it support you alot more in the end.

Paris

Well tonight was interesting, lol. We had a M&G for another board (a 4x4 one) that me and the OW are both members of. When she got there she came straight for me (made sense cuz I was one of like two people there she knew, lol). Drinks began to flow FREELY. We both got a little drunk, some nice flirting going on, but I recovered to sober and she did not. She ended up puking and completely sh*tfaced. As the only person there that was really looking out for her I took care of her most of the night. It was rough seeing her like that, and I THINK it helped me figure out a few things. I lived about 30 minutes away from the bar we were at, she lives about 5 minutes away. Being sober, I took her and another mutual female friend who was too sh*tfaced to drive back to her house. No FFM 3somes here though!!! I felt the "friend" instinct kick in to make sure everything was okay, and helped her in any way I could. I could tell she was frustrated in one way or another once she reached the point of being too drunk to be coherent. I left the relationship situation alone and was just concerned about her getting home okay and being okay. I think it definately showed me tonight that it won't really be anytime soon before she is ready to pursue anything with me, and I'm even more convinced that we need to wait a while. It was rough seeing someone I care about in those shoes, but it definately shined a little light on things for me.

mod edit: geg
cursing

Well, I think in a way, it was good for you to see where she's at with her life at the moment. It has mentally made the impression it was suppose to.

I commend your exemplary behaviour as her friend, we should all have friends like you, to take care that she got home safe. We both know alot of other less moral guys would've taken advantage of that.

I'm sure she appreciates your thoughtfulness and kindness throughout this very rought time in her life. Good luck.

Paris

Well we're going out again tonight. I plan on discussing Friday night's events with her, find out how we both feel about them. I told her this yesterday too, but the only thing that was keeping me from giving her a kiss goodnight was her puking everywhere, lol. It's like Friday is soooooo close, yet sooooooooooooo far away at the same time. Not to mention making sure that she is actually ready for anything this fast. We shall see . . . .

Had a great night with her last night, went down to her place and ate dinner, watched a movie and then tried not to freeze while we watched the meteor shower. We're still just hanging out as friends, even though we've seen each other 7 of the last 10 or 11 days. With her divorce being final here in a just few days, she really just needs me to be a friend right now and I have no issues doing that. I'm not really that concerned with what will happen with me and her in the long run anymore either, I just have this confidence that I will be happy with whatever happens, whether me and her have a great relationship or just end up being friends.