My Dillema

I have been reading through these threads for a while now. Now I feel that I am ready to post something. My name is Tara. I am a 31 year old devorced mother with a 3 year old son. I am dating a man that is 19 years old. I used to think that age gaps were a majorly bad thing until I met this man. He made me come to my senses alot that age doesnt mean anything in a relationship, but there are people around us that have a problem with it more than we do. He and I have been seeing each other for the past 7 months now. When I first met this man, we were introduced through a mutual friend. He was in a relationship, and we just became friends. My son took to him first and they bonded as "buddies" before I had any thoughts of anything ever becomming with us. We became really really good friends. Our friendship grew and he became my best friend too. As things progressed we began getting closer and closer and we decided to take our friendship to the next level. He got me over my age gap fears, and we began dating. He and I have a wonderful relationship. I dont notice the age difference anymore. He is 19 years old , but he is a very mature 19 year old. And as odd as it seems.. It is one of, if not the best relationship I have ever been in. We communicate wonderfully, never argue and see eye to eye on almost everything.
Then theres the dark cloud shadowing our happiness. His family, and friends are totally against the age thing. Compleatly unwilling to see that we make each other rediculously happy. And that were good for each other. How can we make people realize that were happy, and that its not such a horrible thing? How can we be so rediculously happy and it be so wrong? Am I just crazy?

Welcome to Ageless Tara!

I am fairly new here myself, although i lurked around for quite awhile too. I am 37 and my ym is 21, and yes we get a few odd looks from time to time. With his arm around me and his little kisses and ...Oh the way he looks at me i think people see that we are happy together. I would say if they cant see it to heck with them.

Eddie is my best friend the one i want to run to when things arent going my way and the first one i want to tell all my triumphs to. I would say dont let others be a cloud over your happiness, after all only you are responsible for your happiness, not anyone else. I dont know your circumstance with your divorce but myself just seperating last year and divorcing just a few months ago, i know no divorce is easy. So you deserve to be happy and if this man does it for you shrug off the clouds and be with the one that makes you happy.

I am glad you spoke up here these people on this board are smart, and most of them know what you are going through. I would think it would be safe to say most of them here would approve of your age gap...lol. It is a mere 12 years, me and mine are 16 and some would say that is a baby gap too.

I think it is wonderful he got you over your worries of the age difference, maybe he can convince, or you both can convince them with all the sweet sappiness love drips that you both are sickeningly happy. Not surfice to say some might be just a tad jealous over what you two share.

We havent had much slack from family, but then both of our families are far from us. I guess there is that odd tone in my mother's voice every now and then when she asks...How are you and Eddie doing? Or my brother in a teasing manner asking how my children are doing....lol. I only have one son. But the truth is they just worry about me and are just making sure i am happy.

I do sometimes feel strangers looking at us weird. Or coworkers asking......is it true? Is your b/f alot younger then you. I usually smile and say yes. If they seem rude about it i usually say something smart like yep he needs a woman before his time, or i need someone that can keep up with me;). Mostly i find people dont care either way even if it does bother them, afterall it is not their life.

I dont think you are crazy, just in love and there is nothing wrong with that. Hell even if Eddie and i dont see eye to eye we at least respect the fact that we have different opinions...and that is a good basis for a deep and loving relationship....respect. Wether it be friends, family or a lover.....they should have respect for you and what makes you happy. What you and yours share isnt wrong...what is wrong is the judgement being passed to you. Dont take those judgements as seriously as you take your happiness. I hope this helps and nice to meet you.

~Eddiesfairy~

Tara..
Welcome...
I'd recommend that you buy the book, "Older Women, Younger Men: new options for love and romance". It has some good advice on how to deal with parents who are against your relationship...what to tell them, etc. It might help.

Although you can survive without the support (or at least tolerance) of family; it does put an added strain on things. When parents "hate the idea of the relationship" it sometimes feels insurmountable to the ym, leading to a breakup. Keep communicating about that -his feelings- with your ym.

Often, though, it just takes time for family to "get used" to the idea of your age gap. As they see your love and devotion, the ages begin to blur a little in their eyes. You are both young and don't have a huge age gap...Hang in there.

Best to you,
Karen

Another welcome for ya, Tara. ;) We have the same age gap (33/19) and I can totally relate. On every level! :D (Only, I have two kids, instead of one.)

It gets better with the family as time goes on. I think, for my YM, his mother takes issue with our relationship for multiple reasons. First, she thinks it's inappropriate ~ that I'm playing him ~ that he will get hurt, etc., etc. What I think, mostly, she is worried about is all the adversity and responsibility her baby shouldn't have to be dealing with at this point in his life.

And she's right. He shouldn't have to. But, he chooses to, despite having other options and opportunities ~ and I have no intention to hold him to me if he wishes to go. I love him and will do what's right by him as we grow... hopefully together.

My parents haven't been much better. My brother said to me last week that while he finds it "unconventional" and others "do talk" that "Whatever makes you happy, I support." Those words meant the world to me after hearing nothing but negativity for months from both sides of our families.

We've been living together since June. My children adore him. I couldn't be happier... and our families will come to accept it ~ in time. When they see it is not short lived or transitional. They need time to come to grips with it and to believe it is not just some stereo-typical BS.

Hang in there. Stick around here and let us be your community when things get hard. I know this site has been a saving grace to me on multiple occasions...

I look forward to getting to know you better.
~phosphorescent

I just wanted to thank you guys for your reply's to my story. Sometimes I just get so frustrated with the "not being accepted".
Andrew and I are really happy. And sometimes..well alot of the times it brings us down a little because it seems like the world is against us. His mother is compleatly unwilling to try to see that were happy. She wont even take the time to get to know me. Whenever the subject is brought up she changes the subject or just flat out ignores everything said. She knows nothing about me, and is compleatly unwilling to see outside of "the box" that she considers to be "the normal". Andrew and I have been seeing each other for the last 7 months. But there was something there prior to us taking our relationship to the next step. We want nothing more then to be happy. At the moment we are kind of doing a "long distant relationship" of sorts because his family is in NY and we are in MI. So for the time being we are holding on with many hours on the phone, and much needed visits until we can find a "happy medium" that will allow us to be happy. How do you keep your spirits up when it seems like the whole world is against you? My son really loves him. They have a "father/son" bond that makes you smile just watching them together. I love this man like I have loved no other. And I just need to figure out how we can be happy without making the rest of his family miserable.

Hey Tara

If your relationship makes you happy then ignore the rest of the world. Your Son loves him, you love him - no problem.

When I got together with my YM he was 29 and I was 41. However we first met each other when he was 19 and I was 31! We had feelings then but we were both in relationships. Now I am 45 and he is 33. We got married this year and the hurdles we had to jump were horrendous. They were worth all the grief.

I have my soul mate now. I hope it lasts forever. I live for the moment and we have an amazing relationship, a wicked sex life and we make each other laugh. My Son loves him! His family have now accepted me and love me too! (excepting his ex wife - but we don't go there lol) You only get one shot at this. If this guy makes you happy, then hang on to him and love him. Life is too short not to grap the opportunities. Be happy.

Dizzy

It makes me really happy to know that there are still some people that can see outside of "the box"... So to speak. I was feeling like I had no one that I could really express my feelings to that would'nt go running and screaming for the hills. I mean I guess there are always going to be some people that are going to look down their noses at us. For the longest time. Many many years, I thought age gaps like this were just crazy. I was still in "the box". I used to never date 5 years older or younger... Anything more than that I would just not even think about. It was crazy. I still had these feelings when I met Andrew. He pursued me knowing that I had problems with age gaps. He knew that I cared very deeply for him and took time to open me up to seeing past the number. Now I feel like he is my soulmate. he is my best friend as well as the other half to my heart. I just really hope in time everything falls into place.