He's beautiful

Hi all. I've been peeking in on this message board for a little while.

Thanks, I'm glad it's here. You are very nice people and sincere. It's nice to know that I'm not alone, and it's not just movie stars in these relationships with age gaps.

Some background..

I'm 45. No kids. Was married for 18 yrs to a (evil) man who kept me in a gilded cage, then ignored or controlled me. Was kept pretty isolated, which turns out is not the enviroment for me at all! I woke up and left him..smartest thing I ever did. Now I have my own business (guitar instructor), a performer with a CD that has done well and it brought me recognition in Guitar Player Magazine..rock on! I even opened up for Lynard Skynard last year. I have a lot of young friends (guys and gals) and fans in my community and on line. I'm so lucky.

I guess I'm idealistic, and very young at heart. Playful and creative. I have a great appreciation for music, like progressive and new music. Like humor that is a little off the wall and seem to fit in anywhere. Parents and students apprecitate me. You can dress me up to perform somewhere elegant, but I can also hang out at the college dives and these friends invite me out and to their homes.

And God bless my parents..must have good genes..people think I'm younger than I really am.

As positive as all this is..I still suffer depression, I hide it for the most part. Younger men (mostly musicians) hit on me but the guilt and insecurities were eating me up bad. As I matter of fact, I seemed to be the only one that has a problem with it.

I finally caved. I've been seeing Mike now for 4 months. He's 26. We had a brief encounter a year ago and now we are getting really close. Before that I turned him away for about a year. He seems to be exactly what I need. He's laid back, gentle (oh did I mention..he's HOT) and a guitar player too. We are so much on the same page. We're friends , mutual respect. He makes me feel like age is not an issue. Says "I think too much". Which is true. We already have the same friends and interests. (oh and did I mention.. he's HOT :)

I think he's beautiful. Even if it doesn't last, I'm so glad to know him and will keep our friendship in tact I hope.

We're both not labeling this, both a little scared I think. Guess that would be true in any new relationship. It just is. No point in pushing any issues, it's nice. He knows I adore him. I think expectations can ruin a relationship..so I don't "need" him or want him to be anything other than he is. It's all about wanting him near. No drama..it's all about fun, holding each other, and talking about our dreams.

Musicians have hectic lifestyles. Late nights, road trips and we need solitude to practice and write. Relationships can be strained if there are insecurites about this.

I'm having so much fun but being careful to give him "space". He's not the type to just say a lot of things. Lately he's been reeling me in...almost labeling it. lol. He said it was the best relationship he's been in and a couple of times said "you're my girlfriend" I say "yep". And we grin. He constantly says he feels spoiled and lucky. me too.

When we first starting going out he said "I know we're good for each other". I think he might be right.

I'm still terrified but the big change is I'm taking a chance with this and giving myself permission to enjoy it minute to minute.

The most difficult part is not decorating that bachelor pad! Also I have more $ than he does. I so much want to give him things he needs, but refrain.
:D

It feels like I've been given a 2nd chance in life. But there's that little voice in the back of my head saying, be careful of your heart, it's too good to be true. Because of the age difference it won't last. :(

You know, I'm a great believer in that that which you think, will most likely happen. All that negative energy will most likely do your relationship in more than any other issue that may crop up.

Which is proably why I don't want to look at agr as a wait and see situation. Its like we're willing it to fail. And at 4 months you're well on your way to really considering this relationship something to last you a lifetime. But then again, i'm idealist still...don't have any bad relationships in my closet, never been married or divorce, no kids so when I'm in a relationship...it is a relationship with a future. I think you're old enough now to make and recognize conscience choices and figure out from your point of reference if this guy helps you to be the best that you can be.

For me its the only way to put the extra effort it takes to work on these relationships for which there can be alot of issues either related to the relationship itself or the age difference. I don't like doing things half measure so I will always strive to give the relationship the best of myself that I can give it. But if it does not work, I would've learn quite a few good lessons about myself and in learning to love someone else with faith and charity.

Whether its age gap or not, if you feel you are giving it the best that you have, and its coming back to you a hundredfold therefore taking care of your needs and wants, give thanks and don't over analyze the whys of it. you were in a bad situation with your husband...that life is over...don't punish yourself any longer in thinking you're not worth having a good guy in a excellent relationship. If you're going to worry over others, then it puts more strain on you and builts up more negative energy, if you just worry about your inner circle group, then anything negative gets push out of that circle of support and love that you've built for yourself.

when that little voice pops in your head and starts to discourage you...remember to firmly tell it, "You lie, it will work". Stay positive.
keep a journal which will help you to work out any discouragement out on paper. You can be happy with this relationship...but you have to be willing to stand firm and tell that little imp of discouragement to take a hike...

Paris

Kat, I am a 26 year old who has been dating a 46 year old (we've gone through some issues, that's why I'm here) who had the same stuff going on in her head that you seem to.
She had been in a very abusive, unhealthy and codependent relationship for about 12 years. She was trapped and controlled and manipulated, and, unfortunately is still dealing with that to this day with this man (he won't let go of her) and that's why we are going through some turbulence.
I read your post and instantly connected with your situation. You and my OW seem very similar in that you both just woke up from your bad life and now you feel vital and energetic and happy, but the negative feelings from your "past life" are still present in your head.
My OW Alicia seems to think she doesn't deserve my love, that she is unworthy because of the life she has lived and the shame she feels. She doesn't love herself like she should, she doesn't see what I see: a BEAUTIFUL, strong, loving caring woman. She sees someone who was an alcoholic, someone who almost caused a revolution in Mexico, someone who ran and hid from her problems instead of standing up to herself and facing her problems.
I work so hard with her to help her get over that stuff and release her self, release this bad man from your life who still won't let go. Release your negative, binding thoughts, and set free with me!
And she is so close! More time and love is all she needs.
I just think that you have been given another chance, so to speak, and I don't want you to ruin it like my OW has almost done.
Don't push him away.
Cherish him. You may never find someone like him again.
Like her, YOU deserve to be happy.
You deserve to find love again, no matter how old the man is.
And I can tell you that at 26, we know what is going on. We are grown men, just with less years on the planet.
That doesn't mean we have any deficencies.
We are in our prime and we see you as being in your prime too, even if you think your prime was 20 years ago.
When I look at Alicia, even though I see some wrinkles and I know that she has a lot of issues and has done some things I don't approve of, I still see the most beautiful woman in the world.
And I'm sure your YM sees the same thing.
So, run with it and don't look back. Most women never get this chance to liberate themselves and then find love with a YM. You are lucky! Don't pass it up because you have insecurities!!
My OW was skeptical at first, thinking I would leave her for a younger girl, or that since she probably can't have kids, that I would find her unattractive.
I helped her get over that by reassuring and reassuring, and also by my actions. If a young pretty girl would walk right by us, I would ignore her and look into my OW's eyes and hold her tight. Little things like that.
We had been together for about 3 months when her abusive ex came knockin at her door wanting another chance or he'd "kill himself". She has been letting him stay at her place, unhappily, and she almost lost me.
She's lucky I won't let go of her that easily, most men would. I'm still sticking by her, loving and supporting her through getting her breakup with him finalized. We will be together soon. Patience.
Anyways, my point is, there are couples like you guys out there, and what you're feeling is very true.
BUT, you CAN get over the insecurities.
And you DO deserve this man.
You, like Alicia, are being given this wonderful opportunity and please don't blow it. Enjoy it, revel in it, love it, appreciate it, and more importantly, love your self and tell yourself "I deserve this!!"



You can PM me if you want!

Dave

Dave....you just did the most awesome thing! You took time out of your pain to recognize someone else's problem and just wrote a beautiful, eloquent post! I hope she does PM you because I think that she can glean alot of info from you that will make her feel better about this whole situation.

Many, many women took time out to reply to your post and wrapped their cyber arms around you and walked you through your hurt. You are now repaying that favor with someone else....that just shows me that you are of incredible character and heart. You're awesome!

I agree 1000% with Marianne. Go you Dave!

See..this is what I mean..you guys are so great and thoughtful.
wow.

Paris you are so right about letting go, cherishing what we have and learning from it. Negativity gets us no where. This is MY adventure and I'm loving it. And you are right, I'm at that age where I know what I want now in a relationship and won't settle for less. The biggest issue is not to question it, and somehow he makes me feel at ease about it not being an issue. It feels like the first time in my life I can really be myself with a man. So I am learning from him how to be free.

By nature I'm a positive person. I want to put 100% into this..it's my pleasure and brings me joy! I'm just now reaching a point where there's no question this is a positive thing. If it's meant to be it will remain positive.

It took a lot of soul searching for me to accept this freedom. I felt like I should be with men my age or older, but just couldn't connect. This is a huge turning point for me. And regardless of age, I've been hurt and afraid of getting hurt again. I finally let my guard down and he's 20 yrs younger..I thought I must be nuts, setting myself up for disappointment.

Dave! Thanks for writing. Some of your responses on other threads compelled me to write today. I know a lot of young guys I love to pieces but wouldn't get involved with. Like you, this YM is different. He was near death for years, finally had a bone marrow transplant only 4 yrs ago, that and being a creative soul makes me wonder if that is why he has so much depth. He was a bit of a mess too though, would party too much and was flailing. And during this time he could be kinda extreme or harsh about his views on life. I think he was searching. I was feeling like he was pushing me away and pulling me in. I was pretty confused how I felt about it too.

I let this dude off the hook so many times. :) I thought of him as a friend and just enjoyed the times we were together. No expectations and never stopped believing in him and his dreams. I don't know if that belief played a part, but in the last 2 months he's quit partying, taking care of his health better and working toward his goals. The more I get to know him, the more I see a caring and beautiful person. It's nice, and I'm happy for him.

A week hasn't gone by that we haven't spent a day or two together. Seems the more he gets his life together, the more he wants me there. Now we miss each other day to day. It's always been hot..now it's getting romantic.

And like I told Paris, I'm learning so much about myself. He makes it so easy. He inspires me and gives me confidence. My angel!
I love to see him smile and happy. He's so attentive towards me and I melt. I want to love life and this is the connection with someone I've always wanted. Unforced.

I think the guilt and insecurities came from years with my ex. The ppl that love and are around me now are not surprised at all that I am seeing a romantic, handsome YM.

It's great you love her so much. She must be a doll. I say "God bless Olay products"..I have a few earned laff lines myself! But forget all about them when I'm with him. Gives me incentive to work out and stuff though..he's doing the same. Thanks Dave, maybe we can help each other understand things. You've already given me hope that things will be just fine.

Hope. I've always followed the beat to a different drummer. I like to do things my way. My whole musical career has followed that. My motto has been "there has to be a way to make this work" and it has. I make a living full time off music. I'm dedicated and have earned respect in a mostly male dominated field. But it wasn't to prove a point..it's my passion. I have to let this rule my personal life as well.

But I have so much to share and I read so many posts that I connect with. Every situation is different, but they are also very similar. It's all about love and wanting to be wanted. Kat's situation is strikingly similar to my OW's, and if I can help her find clarity in any way I'd be more than happy.
Kat I hope everything will work out for you, keep telling yourself you deserve the best. Alicia does, and so do you. Things will work out.


Dave

Kat, I loved reading your post, and it sounds like this guy is a gem. Enjoy every minute. And like Dave said, at 26 he is a grown man who knows pretty much what he wants. Trust him if that means he wants YOU...and REJOICE !!!

Dave, awesome reply, btw...Alicia is blessed to have you in her life.

"He's so attentive towards me and I melt."

I particularly liked this comment you made, Kat, because to me it sums up the wonderful characteristic I've found in the ym I've been with: ADORATION. And, I don't just mean in a romantic way (although, that IS their corner of the market as well, I'm convinced). Even my young male friends (I'm in the contemporary dance industry where, like you, there are many creative, hetero, ym that are my friends) are SOOOOO attentive and supportive.

Take it all in, and give back the love you have without questioning.
Oh, and good for you about your decisions to NOT make his way easier financially, that can backfire big time and sometimes has an emasculating effect.

Best to you, Kat!
Karen :-)

Kat, I'm 42 and Robin is 26. Dave is right. 26 is plenty old enough to know what he wants. Robin is still figuring things out as far as life goes (as am I), but his wanting to be with me is firm. We have been together five years. We've been through Hell and high water. We both held on strong and weathered each storm together. We never blamed eachother for the hard times, nor were we ever disrespectful. We held eachother up, we carried eachother, and now, we are enjoying the fruits of our labor. :)

Don't worry about your laugh lines. As Martina McBride says, "...Every laugh line on your face/made you who you are today..." No shame in that. Robin thinks my age is GREAT! He loves playing the "guess my age" game when we're out and run into people I haven't met yet. People guess me between 28 and 32, and he says with a big grin, "Add a decade to that!" I used to be so jealous of younger women, thinking they would catch his eye and steal him away, but I couldn't have been more wrong. He just likes older women, always has. Other older women catch his eye. They won't steal him away though, he's so faithful and loyal (something I've never experienced, being a musician myself and having been in road bands). I'm totally devoted to him as well, and we both love the fact that we can completely trust eachother.

One more thing: about the money...you're doing the right thing by allowing him to make his own way financially. Robin and I went through years of financial hardship because I elected to shoulder more of the burden than I should have. I even let him work with me for three years because he hated all the other jobs he took (which he had every right to, they sucked). He's just now finally getting his own business off the ground and able to contribute significantly, but I wish we would have pushed for this three years ago. At least you don't have kids, that makes everything easier.

Good luck with things, Kat. He sounds like a wonderful guy. :)

I can very much relate, i also did not place demands or reel my husband in, the last thing i ever expected was to be married to someone 20 years younger, i have more common interests and similiarities with him then anyone else i met before him. we connect spiritually, emotionally and the last but not least physically.

I am only married 6 months, but you know what? I love him and he loves me. Its a good basis for marriage or a relationship.

I look younger also, but it is so not the point, on a scale of importance our looks are not even close to the reason I want him and he wants me. it moves past that when the emotional connection is there.

anyway, WELCOME!!!! its cool to find that we are not so unusual. Good luck with the career.