Am I asking too much?

This is a great forum so if I may... I have issues with my lover. We have been seeing each other for over a year. He is 20, myself – will turn 28 in three months. When we first met he set an eye on me thinking I was his age and then he kept asking me out, well, I couldn’t help, since our interests coincided and his looks are quite good. We have had issues, and have done a little travelling together, but still – he is the one who keeps asking me out because I simply don’t have the strength to ever ask him out. He is a student, well, I have a good job, a salary, a somewhat exclusive apartment, but I simply don’t have the guts to ask him to move in with me. I love him. I adore him, I want to support him as a man.

I’m starting to feel that I might want to stay with him in the future. But he won’t communicate that issue with me... I know he is not sure himself, he probably doesn’t want to think about it. He must have so many other opportunities. But how much longer should I wait? It’s not like there are no other options for me – maybe I should move on... and date someone else. The problem is – I don’t want to date any one else. I want to be with my boyfriend. Yet, he only asks me out twice a week, and that is not enough for me. Am I asking too much? I don’t want him to move in with me, I simply wish he were slightly more devoted to the idea of us possibly staying together. At the moment, I cannot talk to him about it, because he seems to avoid the subject. I don’t really bring it up... yet I don’t know for how long I will be able to sustain this insecurity. Should I just ask him in a straightforward manner – if he considers ever staying with me for life (or for many years)? Or is that too much? You ladies and guys on this forum seem to have so much wisdom and experience.. and tolerance by the way. Am I making any sense or is it too far off? thanks.

Maybe you want to first work on asking him out too then worry about the rest ?

Originally posted by Nessa
how long should you wait for him to commit? as long as you can tolerate it.


Well, thanks, Nessa. That border of tolerance is very hard to decipher. :) I suppose the my dillemma, whether I should attempt to encourage him a little bit to take a more active role - by openly saying that the current situation is not enough for me, or by giving some apparent innuendoes. Or should I keep quiet for another year or so, and see how thing progress on their own.

Originally posted by Brynhild
Well, thanks, Nessa. That border of tolerance is very hard to decipher. :) I suppose the my dillemma, whether I should attempt to encourage him a little bit to take a more active role - by openly saying that the current situation is not enough for me, or by giving some apparent innuendoes. Or should I keep quiet for another year or so, and see how thing progress on their own.

So your ideal relationship is one in which you have no control ? How many guys do you think enjoy having a GF that doesn't give them any feedback/encouragement ?? Are you asking too much ? You aren't asking at all IMHO....

Valid point, Epsilon.

You want to know who I worry about first? Me. Selfish, ain't it? The point is: I have my life. I have my priorities. I am in no way afraid to make those priorities clear.

If my goal was to be in an exclusive relationship, I'd say to my guy "Hey, you know what? I really feel like I want this relationship to progress and this is what I want..."

My guy likes me, knowing full well I'm going to tell him what I like or dislike, want or need, desire or hope for.

The reason we make a great couple is because we can sit down and talk about anything from our deepest fears and hopes to colorful ways to describe the anatomy of a fart. LOL.

Communication being the key thing.

Know who you are. Know what you want. Know how to express it. Hide nothing, because nothing is worth hiding. And I don't want him finding out I've been acting like someone else to please him.

Either he likes me or he doesn't. If he doesn't, good riddance. If he does, well... HELLO bebbe!

Open up. If he runs, his loss.

~phos

I agree with Epsilon in that if you really care about this guy, you should communicate your feelings to him. Not a heavy conversation, just when the moment's right something like,"You know I think you are amazing, I really care about you and have been thinking lately that I'd be open to taking this relationship to another level. What are your thoughts on that?"
He'll probably ask for clarification of "another level", then you can fill him in (since he asked:) ). Don't bring up marriage, moving in together, or long term committment...take it slow, in smaller doses of what you'd like to see progress...maybe just bring up dating exclusively, or spending more time together.

I also want to note that 20 is very young for a ym to know what he wants out of life or in a partner. Time is essential for him to gain autonomy and grow into his adulthood before he will feel more confident in his choices about career, love, personal goals, etc.. If you are willing to wait, and be patient in the process, it could work; but it may not always be an easy road to travel if he is like many ym his age who naturally vacillate between decisions during this time in his life.

I say, have a light hearted talk with him to establish where he is, and then decide to invest or not invest in the relationship based on the outcome/his response. I COMPLETELY understand the feeling of not wanting to be with anyone else...you love him...but if he can't give you what you need right now, it would be foolish to hang on hoping.

Originally posted by Epsilon Flight
So your ideal relationship is one in which you have no control ? How many guys do you think enjoy having a GF that doesn't give them any feedback/encouragement ?? Are you asking too much ? You aren't asking at all IMHO....

NICE! :D

Thank you everyone.

Epsilon, you are quite right that I should try to work on asking him out. The problem is that I have been quite scarred by the previous relationships, because of which I have issues with trust, and I don’t feel easy approaching him because I am not sure if I am not intruding or pushing him too much. I am really scared of being rejected or hurt again. I mean, rationally I understant how wrong I am, but if he were to decline any of my dating proposals I would take it very personally and react emotionally. Well, I suggested a trip once, and after a month or so we did take it and it turned out to be the most romantic trip of my life. Another reason – I cannot bring myself to believe that he really wants to be with me (for whatever reason)… I mean, there are so many girls his own age - intelligent, good looking girls, why does he need me?? Ok, experience, sex, friendship…but why for so long? He understands our situation very well (he has told me several times). So if he still keeps asking me out after all these months, it serves as a slight encouragement (or evidence) that he really wants to spend time with me and appreciates me as a person.

Certainly, I don’t want a relationship where I have no control. But like I said, I am afraid of pushing him too much. I want him to be free. Well, I do let him know that I appreciate everything he does to me. But I am scared to communicate to him the fact that I can’t decide how to go about our situation. Because of his age I feel it’s too early for him to be committing himself. But then again – he will have all the perks of a good relationship without committing, and that is not fair either and the risk on my part is too huge.

fos4snt, it is true what you say. I too should make my priorities clear to him. But I feel uneasy about saying that to him openly because that would be like asking him “will you marry me?”. And I don’t feel like asking that to him. I don’t believe it is my prerogative to ask that. It’s exactly as you say – open up. But I am scared to open up, and lose him. I’m afraid that I may be making some sort of a mistake of a life time.

And, special K, thanks for your post. I admit I should be very easy on him. Maybe I should write him a long letter after some time… He told me a few times that he believed that we should only stay together if we plan to get married (!!). But this is not a topic for us. And I don’t even want to talk about that. I don’t even know if I would like him to move in, probably, not yet. Maybe just see him more (he also commutes quite often to a city that is within a 3hrs drive from where I am).

He is not a typical 20 year old (and I know that because I’ve dated several men aged 19-23). But still the fact remains and of course he doesn’t know what he wants or needs for the future.

Thanks that was some very sound advice.

p.s. If I may ask - what is meant by an 'exclusive' relationship, exclusive dating? thnx

Originally posted by fos4snt

If my goal was to be in an exclusive relationship, I'd say to my guy "Hey, you know what? I really feel like I want this relationship to progress and this is what I want..."

....Either he likes me or he doesn't. If he doesn't, good riddance. If he does, well... HELLO bebbe!

~phos [/B]

Exclusive may be also something that has a future. Since we are already monogomous and neither of us has another romantic partner... and he even hasn't had anyone prior to me.

Which brings me to another thing... he hasn't ever been seeing anyone else at all!. Maybe I am robbing him of that chance by staying with him? Maybe he should see other girls so that he can compare? Of course that would hurt me immensely, but could possibly be a good experience for him.

Originally posted by Nessa
Unless he wants to see others I would not push it.

Well, he doesn't really and I'm not going to. But he may want to at some point later. (The funny part is that he is more of a "purist" in sexual terms than I am, meaning he is truly bent on monogomy, for the time being at least, and because of his age I can't tell 100% sure if it's his innate character trait, yet it seems so. In fact, if he ever married another girl, I would really envy her not just because I love him, but also - because she will have a good, committed husband, he's really into conservative 'family values' and such, possibly since he doesn't know of anything else).

I don't want to feel as if I'm holding him away from those other options... and I am not. Yet there is still this stereotypical "premonition" of "he will leave me for a younger one at some point" nagging somewhere in the back of my mind... but I guess there is no escaping that.