society judges

This is my first time ever posting anything on a forum...I am a bit uncomfortable, but...here goes----my post here is not specifically about my relationship, but about the outside world's response to it. Not only am I 20 years older than my man, but I am white and he is black. It never fails whenever we are in public that we get curious (at best) to angry looks or treatment. In fact, it is so much a part of life that if we were treated like "normal" human beings we would go into shock!

Our reactions to other peoples' glares, stares, smirks, comments, body language, et al, varies. Sometimes we don't pay attention, sometimes we joke about it later, sometimes we are offended.

We are not caught up in worrying too much about what other people think, however, it can be isolating. I feel like a circus show at times.

Although I say we don't worry much, it is disturbing sometimes. Yesterday, a young female went way out of her way to hit on him (this is not uncommon), the cashier at the local sub shop asked him how old I was, and a pastor at my new church seemed aghast when my man introduced himself as my boyfriend. This stuff is literally daily, and throughout each day.

Fortunately for us, we have been friends for 5 years and have seen each other through thick and thin. We developed our love relationship early last summer, and find it interesting that we were right under each others' noses (so to speak) all this time without any thought of being more than friends. Our friendship and love is strong.

So...does anyone else have to handle such extreme responses and often? How do others cope? Would you ever say anything to people with stupid comments or questions? We typically don't say a word.

Sorry that this was sooooo loooong, but thanks for reading!

So...does anyone else have to handle such extreme responses and often? How do others cope? Would you ever say anything to people with stupid comments or questions? We typically don't say a word.


Amazing how ignorant people can be...

You have a couple things going: being an interracial couple and then an age gap to top it off: ...and you being the older one....well well well...we know why YOU are together ;)

I used to deal with that quite a bit when I was w/ my ym and we didn't even look that different in age. I always try and remember that I too was ignorant before I got into an age gap relationship myself, its like people are just conditioned to think a certain way.

**You both sound beautiful and your relationship sounds so strong and healthy at first pass...I think what you are doing is difficult but you are making wise choices. I also didn't waste a lot of time with people I wouldn't see more than once because most of them wouldn't believe what you said anyway. Sad but true.

Save your explanations for those that deserve them and would care...

-Good luck and Welcome!

Evil SG: People are just ignorant and many decend directly from former Jerry Springer guests.

Generous SG: People are just...curious?


Seems like today, everyone thinks that everything is their business. I say, when you're in the mood, stare back at the Jerry Springer guest offspring. Don't get into a verbal confrontation but hold eye contact if you're feeling ornery - see how many of them look away.

For the ones that are just curious and just don't know any better, come up with a couple of neutral responses to inquiries. I think the fav one here when asked about age is: "Why do you ask?" I think that most people don't mean any harm, it's just something different (don't know where you're located).

We're lucky, I guess, we live in a pretty liberal area of the country, plus the breadth of our age difference isn't apparent right off the bat. And we both have the same color wrapper. We've only had AG related comments from 2 people (male co-workers of mine who wanted to ask me out). I think that we occasionally get a glance when out in public but Ross says that it's my imagination. I guess we'll see how it goes when we move in the next few months.

Moonglo, I know what you mean. Over here though, you see a lot of intercultural dating, usually the Mexicans and black bros goin' with the white chicks. So we don't see too many problems.

However, the fact that you and your bf are in an intercultural relationship and you being the OW and he the YM, yes some people are going to get in a "social uprising" because they are so blind and stubborn to get with the times and learn anything. Hell, they're probably jealouse because they have no "spice" in their relationship, if they have one, and therefore, show their negative atttitude when they are out in public or anywhere else for that matter.

My lady is 53, white, and I am 28, Mexican. Usually if people stare, glance, look, gaze, etc. . .at us, we kinda like it, laugh about it (or joke) and carry on. We find it pretty flattering, regardless if the people's attitude is negative or positive.

Hey, if it ever bothers or nags at you again, just take it as a compliment as they are just jealous and sheltered and something must be missing from their own lives. Good luck! :)

Hi Moonglo....saw your post and had to respond. I am actually a younger woman with an older man, 20 years gap. We are also interacial....I am Italian(but look like the typical 'white girl') and my honey is Latino, (from Chile).....so we have experience some of what you are going through. Honestly, the only thing to do is ignore it....sometimes I tend to say something to people who are just being plain rude. Over all, we do live in a very racial blended town so that isn't so much of a problem, but there are those individuals who notice that age thing & choose to make it known that they have a problem with it. Ugh!
Lately, now that I think of it, we just haven't been noticing any of the stares or hushed-whispers.....you kinda get immune to it. :-)
Believe me, there is nothing wrong with calling people on their comments, you guys don't deserve that kind of prejudice & they deserve whatever comes their way.

I can totally relate. I am 33 and my ym is 24. He was born in the US, but both of his parents are from Trinidad (Caribbean) and he is very dark skinned. (He is absolutely gorgeous.) I live in a VERY conservative town and everyone talks.

We get stares and I used to think it was the color thing, then the age thing, then both. But you know what? I choose now to believe that people look because we are so obviously in love, always holding hands, laughing, touching. i choose to believe now that they look, wishing they had what we have. I may be wrong, but honestly, I don't care what they think as long as we're happy and my children are happy.

Hang in there and forget about what they think. It doesn't matter anyway. :)

There was a time when I looked at OW/YM relationships with raised brows. And would think Sheesh!! That's a bit extreme..... Because I was part of that society-conditioned thinking. Until a person has some exposure or experience with it, then there's going to be those sorts to deal with. Or to ignore, whichever we choose.

I was just a little kid in the 60's, but I remember the shocked expressions and comments made about black/white relationships. Now it rarely evokes a comment because it is so common.

I suppose AG relationships have been around for a lot longer than I realize, but in some ways we're like pioneers.. because we've come out of our shells and most of us don't give a hoot what 'society' thinks. We're proving it through these boards for one thing...

There's another thing I don't quite like and that's when someone finds out about my ym and pats me on the back, as if I made some huge conquest. I mean, wth! I didn't purposely go out and snare this guy and am now proudly displaying him like a trophy. He's my mate! My friend, my partner, my love..... I know they mean well, but it still bugs me.

LOL...ya sometimes when we are attending a party I will say, "Hey, where'd my arm candy go??!!!"......just to make a joke of it, he's older so I totally switch the table on what people think.

This past weekend my YM and I got "the look" from a couple of older women. They also gave us "the whisper". This was the first time that either of us noticed this type of behavior before. My YM, who's 27 wanted to really give them something to talk about so he wanted to hug and kiss, me (43), I laughed it off, but deep down it still stung. Here I was being judged by someone that had no clue of the person that I am, just because I was enjoying myself with a younger man. We're not a mixed race couple, but the sting from others comments and looks can get you down sometime. I've never been one to judge others, its never been my job or my desire. I'm sure with any luck we'll have many more of "the looks" and "whispers", as in my experience society is slow to change and fast to criticize.
Maybe we're being pioneers here, maybe our grandkids or great grandkids will be free to date who they want no mater the age difference or color without "the looks and whispers" that we're getting today.
Wouldnt that be just marvelousssssssss !!!!!

ok --- have a quick look at this avatar... haha....

I haven't noticed much whispering when we're out and about, but I HAVE noticed "the look" -- Jay says it's in my imagination, but no, people definitely stare. Because we're a black/white couple? Because we're an OW/YM couple? Because I'm large and he's small? who knows -- who cares... Thing is -- in public, we're not that demonstrative -- I mean, we were both raised to believe that SERIOUS affection was something reserved for those private moments -- that's not to say we never touch each other in public, we just don't hang all over each other and make a scene about it. I am sure people wonder about us but you know what, if we're all they have to worry about, then they have sad little lives, don't they. hehe... Of course I have to lather, rinse, repeat on that last phrase sometimes, but seriously -- I think mostly it's jealousy, don't YOU? I took him to my law firm's Christmas party and people made comments on Monday actually to my FACE and not behind my back about how handsome that guy was that was with me - I replied with a simple, Thank you! What other information did I owe anybody? In fact, a week or so later, at another party of at the home of a friend at work, Jay was busy and couldn't go -- and people were asking me, So where's Jay? hehe.... I think they "get" it now....

Originally posted by keith
When I'm fortunate to be out in public with an amazing OW and people whisper and look I just smile broadly because I KNOW their whispers are about how lucky I am to have such an incredible woman on my arm.

Awwwww that is so sweet.

Thanx for the responses. I have been feeling completely at ease in public - even with the "looks" and "whispers" - since I have read all of your replies. I don't feel odd anymore...just in a unique relationship.

Just for fun, here's one of today's little episodes:
My bf and I were standing in front of a restaurant in a busy-ish town...as a white man walked by he was looking at me rather approvingly (ok-checking me out) then he noticed my bf. The guy stood by his SUV glaring at my guy for way too long so bf said, "Kiss me!"... I did, of course. Mr. Mad practically threw himself into his vehicle, slammed the door, and tore off!
Well, at least I had fun!