losing it.

i am new here and sooo glad to have found this site. i am deeply in love with younger man im 48 he is 21. he is son of very close friends. our love affair came about gradually. needless to say i am shocked that i have fallen so deeply in love. both our families have been non supportive. have made life hell for us. when he and i are together it is magic.. to find the soul you have been searching for is amazing. everything we do is amazing. problem. the age difference. and family not supporting it. he tells me he is with whom he wants to be. he is in love . he is n ot missing out on anything or any person. i cant seem to get past that. the age difference is so immense. i have a daughter his age!!! how do i just let us be? how do i just accept the deep love and fun we have together. the connection is like nothing i have felt my whole life. yet im willing to let it go... how crazy am i??? help!!!!!

Let me first say - I understand you discomfort and hesitation. I am new here as well, and recommend you browse the posts. You will see that your feelings are not uncommon.

As for your family's rejection, it hurts, I know. My mother disowned me (although we never had a good relationship anyway).

Even though my YM and I were friends for 5 years previously, I was surprised to discover my insecurities once we established our couple-dom.

I sat down on several occasions alone and wrote down specifically what I was uncomfortable about. Here is a partial run-down: physical appeal, child-bearing, younger fish in the sea, robbing him of youth, etc.

I then wrote down how I can change my thinking or specific issue (lose a couple pounds, work out). I also had to make the decision to take him at his word when he told me he wanted and adored me.

So, basically, for me it came to making a choice and working on what I could to feel better about myself. It was easier, as I said, because we had a long=standing friendship based on trust. The ongoing hurdle is people and their judgments!

There is NOTHING wrong with you for being with a younger man. Don't let anyone or yourself tell you otherwise.

How crazy are you? LOL hmm well I guess that depends on the maturity of your young man. You say you have a daughter his age. Well, I have a son my y/m's age too yet its hard for me to think of my y/m as being anywhere near my sons age. My y/m and I have a 30 year age gap but in all other areas we are " on the same page" so to speak, still I have had all the typical questions and doubts that you have and so many others have had in age gap relationships. I guess for me, it was kind of like "seeing was believing". In other words, my y/m is here for me, wants to be with me, he quit hanging around with his single friends, we go places together, enjoy each others company, he finds me attractive, are planning our future etc, and so it finally sunk in .... hey, he means what he says . I still question WHY? Im ok to look at I guess for my age, fairly intelligent, have a sense of humor and so on but come on Im 30 years older than he is. His reply to me about that is " I love YOU, just like you are, I love who you are, and you are what I want. If I didnt, I wouldnt be here would I??? I know its hard when your family and his are both against it, but I think most people that love us are just afraid were making a big mistake but when they see were happy and the person we love ,loves us , they usually get used to it and accept it. If they dont, then I guess you have to decide if its more important to make your family happy or yourself. As for me, I have had no static, but if I did, Id still love my family but I feel if they accept my choice, then great, but if they dont, well, its something they have to come to terms with because Im going to be with my y/m nomatter who likes it or who doesnt.

I am 40 & my YM is 19 and this is the most positive, sharing healthy relationship that not only have I been in but that I have seen.

I have gone through - and still at times - go through the doubts you are experiencing. Happy to say that it is a winning battle for me. So far we have had very little opposition to our being together. Mostly it has been supportive. My son at first was hesitant but only because he felt protective of me and was afraid I would be hurt. Now, 8 months later he is very happy for us and says we make a great team and are perfect for each other.

I had a hard time trusting this, what I have had to do and am still working on is that trust is the big issue here.

Not just trust of the person you love but, perhaps more importantly - trust in yourself that you can make healthy choices - even though they may not be conventional.

That was also a big revelation for me, that although this relationship is unconventional that does not make it wrong or doomed to failure.

As far as I am concerned I have been given the gift of the love of a beautiful soul who adores me; accepts me for who I am. I would be a great fool to turn my back on it without trying.

Rabbit

Welcome starwisher,

The responses above are good ones, and I really liked moonglo's approach - what are some of the things you can do to feel more in control, like thinking and doing things that support the result you want (a happy relationship).

I'm only 13 years older than my honey, and I don't have any kids - but as far as comparing people of the same age, well, my BF's FATHER is the same age as my ex-husband. Like charo with her BF and son, I see those same-aged men (51-year-olds) as completely DIFFERENT, I see my BF's dad as a DAD. In time you will probably see things similarly, your daughter and YM as completely different in "status" even though they are similar in age, and not worry so much about it.

On the physical attractiveness issue that allllways comes up for first-time OW, I always like to remind the ladies here that we are MORE THAN JUST BODIES, and our men agree. Ignore the media's insistence that we're not. And a lot of guys think older ladies are HOT. Don't believe that they all want the same media-spoon-fed teen vixen type.

Good luck to you. :)

wow. all of your responses have been great. my young man is an old soul so to say.. he says and does things men twice his age never would. when i realized i was so deeply in love with him, it was shocking to say the least. i do look awesome for my age. everyone who meets me thinks im in my 30's i take goood care of my body. have a great figure and am lots of fun. he and i have the greatest moments together. i said to myself a few weeks ago it doesnt get any better than this.. i was married for 30 years. i worry about aging but he says its gradual and he loves me for me. i truly have never felt such a connection. he left to go back to college in illinois. im in california, thats when the age doubts hit me. i encouraged him to date while there and i hurt him by that. he says i am whom he loves and only wants to be with me. we talk 4 times or more a day, on webcam as well. and fly back and forth to see each other.when he is not with me, thats when i get the pangs of what am i doing here? friends tell me ive lost my mind, must be mid life crisis. my 3 girls , 2 older than he, one his age, tell me i need to get a physical, that i am crazy. how can i do this?? how can i be so selfish? his brothers think im taking advantage of him, and they give him hell about it.. however, on the other hand they say wow shes hot... but... dont mess with it.. our families have been friends for years. i have watched them grow up.my ym and i didnt get close or intimate until january of this year.the stares when we are having so much fun, or out shopping, or at a park, or ball game, or wherever are so intimating sometimes. but he keeps a grip on me. and says sweet things to me to get my mind off it. he tells me im who he was born to love and to spend his life with. yet, my doubts make me want to let him go. to let this love go.. you have all given me such hope and great advice. thank you thank you....

Ok starwisher, 2 more things.

One, you are also in a LDR and you might want to look at the part of this board that is about those. My own relationship started out LD although we didn't have the insecurities (it wasn't my first LDR OR my first AGR, and I think that makes a big difference).

The other thing is, and you will hear this from many here - do not let your families pressure you apart. Listen to their concerns but realize first of all that this is YOUR life and you deserve happiness on your own terms. Most people are against what they don't understand, because of fear. But they are not the ones dating him and they have no right to tell you what to do.

:)

Stargazer, I don't think you're crazy at all for being with someone who makes you feel good and makes you happy. He isn't crazy either.

I do, however, want to caution that sometimes, a ym can fall deeply in love and be really SURE this is what he wants, and then two, three or several years down the road decide for whatever reason that it isn't. He is going to be away at college. He SHOULD go to college, to secure a good future for himself. He is going to be in a seperate part of the country. He should be allowed to live the college life and hang out with people he finds interesting. You'll have to let go and let him do that. It will be difficult, and there are no guarantees as to the outcome, but it's the right thing to do. I'm not saying don't keep seeing him, see him as much as you can, talk to him as much as you can, but at the same time, make sure you have enough things in your own life to keep you busy and fulfilled so your mind isn't constantly plagued with what he's doing. You know what I mean?

The family thing...I find family really important. Is he close to his family? If he is, this is going to be hurtful to him to some degree. One member here wrote a letter to her ym's mother, explaining her feelings, her intentions, and that she had never dreamed of anything like this happening. The letter was effective, and the mother warmed up to her. I think for a lot of us, it takes a while for the family to get used to the idea of the age gap, but usually if the older woman's intentions are good, and she is a sincere person, she eventually wins the younger man's family over, that's what I've seen.

Your relationship sounds wonderful, but I think you shouldn't get too serious until he graduates from college and is able to be in close proximity to you again. It's okay to love him, it's okay to dream and plan, it's okay to let him know all of these things, and to accept his love, but have your own life as well, and don't put all of your eggs in one basket until the relationship has matured and you two are together again on a daily basis. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, btw. If you two are truly meant to be, it'll keep until he's graduated.

Hmm. ... not sure I agree with everything Polly said. However, you pick and choose what works for you, Star and leave the rest.

how can i be so selfish?How dare your children say this to you! I have no doubts that you have sacrificed a lot to raise them. It is now Mom's turn and everyone should back off. I have found that the more I seemed happy and not ashamed, the less I got any flack from anyone.

in response to polly. all that you have said i have done, and continue to do. i have encouraged, pleaded and begged ym to just enjoy college. to do the things he needs to.. that hurt him. he felt i didnt trust what he tells me, or our love. he makes his own choices and i am what he wants. i dont worry about what he is doing. i encourage him to date others his own age, to go to the parties, the after game things, dances.. etc.. he chooses not to. i am concerned for him for 2 or 3 or 4 years down the road. that is my problem, my fears, not his. he tells me over and over that by telling him to do other things i am dismissing his love. his commitment to me. and i do have a life. work, school and grandchildren, gardening, i live a full time life. which i guess attracted him in the first place. we never expected to fall in love. to be so compatable. to be so magical.. our conflicts are family and im worried always this love will keep him from his family. take him away. he says as long as he is with me he doesnt care. eventually i think he will.. thats why i asked for advice. most of what you said polly is what i say to him and myself .. he makes his own choices. as for my kids, i did say to them to back off. you think im crazy so be it, you all have your own lifes to worry about stay out of mine.. YIKES... that was sooo hard to do... its just so amazing to me how many people known and unknown to me have an opinion on whom we should love and be with. my ym and i were gooood friends. his parents were my good friends. we never ever expected to be lovers, and be so in love..

I agree with Polly...although there is nothing wrong with falling in love with a ym, I think Polly has seen more breakups here with ym who've started relationships with ow at his age than anyone here.

I'm too big on family to set any ym aganist his. Maybe its because I don't have parents anymore and with my SO I like to have a good relationship with his. Its hard to fall in love with someone for which the family has issues with (as a child with a father who was despise among my mother's family I will not inflict that kind of animosity on my ym), which is why I won't go too young as i feel my ym should also have a good relationship with my family and he should be embrace by them as I spend quite a bit of time with them.

Life is what you make it, but I'm not so sure if life with just some ym is enough to make my whole world go around. i'm selfish in that I want it all and there are way too many men in the sea to disrupt my whole family circle when there could be one who will fit in perfectly.

And although I am happy now, when he comes he will add onto my happiness, not disrupt it or confuse me or make me have to choose.

Its not an easy choice for you, although my apprehension is not in the age gap, but in who's son this is, what his family will cause to him and to you and how well you both will be able to handle it. Are you up to it? Is he? Saying it and living it are two different things...we're always going on about life being no guarantees, if he dumps his family in favor of you and by some bad luck his parents die, the guilt will overwhelm him enough where he might leave you anyway, are you prepare for that. Only you can make those decisions, you and your ym. Good luck.

Paris

Opps... sorry Star... I just realized that you are still married and living with your husband. I can understand now your family being upset about the YM. You can see how much Dave is hurting on the other thread. I hope you will do the loving thing and let this YM go if you are not going to leave your husband. Good luck... and take care...

I definitely have to AGREE with Polly and Irparis!!!

I agree with yellowrose, if you are unable to leave your husband, you have to leave this YM. If you decide to divorce your husband, then I don't see that dating your YM is a problem. I know how you feel, no one wants to accept the age gap here. My mom, well, let me just say that she was less than thrilled to see me dating a 33 year old guy, I am 53. I think she thought I was crazy, but, when 2 people really love one another, age should not even enter into it. Age is just a number, but love, that is so elusive and when you find true love, well, it is an awesome thing, one to be cherished.

How long have you been married, and are you planning on divorcing your husband? Do you think it is a menopause thing you are going through, our bodies change so as we age, hormones also change, make us think a different way. I looked at that myself, whether or not it was hormonal, or whether or not I was really in love with my YM. My ex husband thought I was going through some hormonal menopause thing, that it would pass. I don't know if it will pass, or if this is just the way I am, like younger guys, want to start my life over, but right now I am happy to be with my YM, I just wish he wasn't so commitment phobic 'cause it makes me sad because my feelings are so deep for him.

no, its not menopausal.. though my family wishes it was. my husband and i have been through seperation before, nearly divorced 20 years ago, then i found myself pregnant. for the "kids sake" we stayed unhappily together. all the kids moved out last year, and i found i couldnt hide anymore. counseling over the last 30 years hasnt helped in making me love him, or happy.. yet the commitment to my marriage in the church seems to overwhelmingly guilt me into staying.. we are not happy, we have an image,, pretend... but yes.. in the midst of all this, i feel in love. i have tried to get my ym to move on... i have hurt him many many times.. telling him to find someone else, to not call , me not taking his calls, me not seeing him, he cries and is so hurt .. i need to make a decision to walk out of this marriage, i need a plan of action, my children all think me crazy yes.. that its midlife crisis. but i tried to call off my wedding i knew even then it wasnt right. they dont know any of that. the older ones were there during the seperations.. not the youngest.. and they resent me now saying my life with their dad is a lie.. and how could i hurt everyone by divorcing him and breaking up our family??? i have asked my ym to give me time for myself. for himself.. he just wont let go.. he says i cant make the decision for him, its his decision to wait for me . . i tell him he needs to date others, find someone his age, someone without the drama i have.. my husband and i are seperated living in the same house because i can not afford rents here in california..on my own.. i recently got a job after not working for 12 years. this has all been hard, but the hardest seems to be the guilt. finding love a true honest love has been shocking to me, and i cant seem to just go with it, to let it be.. thank you for all your advice out there.. and yes yellowrose i should have told the whole story in the first place..... forgive me, just testing the waters to start and see where help came from. you have all been wonderful even in the disagreeing..

yet the commitment to my marriage in the church seems to overwhelmingly guilt me into staying.. I had the same feelings when I wanted out of my marriage of 14 years. And this guy was abusive! But here is what my therapist told me, when I told him that I was only staying married because I made a vow. And I was afraid that God would be mad at me.... He said that God made marriage to serve us, not us to serve and be in BONDAGE to the marriage. Understand?

What it sounds like what you have is not a marriage. Marriage whether on paper or not, is the meeting of two spirits that become ONE wonderful unit. You sound like you are in a roommate situation and it is time move on.

I applaud you for getting a job. That is a good start. However, please don't leave if it is JUST for this YM. It needs to be that you would do this whether the YM was in the picture or not. Good luck and take care....
Barbara

you said that you need time in which you can find your self and understand whether your ym is right or not correct? asking him to move on wont be the answer. keeping in contact with those that you love most are important during this time because everyone else seems to be on the other side of what you want making the guilt very hard for you. yes yellowrose was correct when she said you need to find whats right for you, but u also need to understand that he is in it for the long run apparently and he is a grown adult to make his own decisions. you need to respect that. if there havent been any problems between the you and ym besides that fact that your married to a terrible person, then something here sounds like it works. i would do anything for my O/W. she is the most wonderfull person that God has ever brought down to earth. my angel so to speak. im sure if his love for u is anything as strong as that for my O/W then its important not to cut off communication. see him. not neccessarily date, but if it seemed so right please dont. you two sound like you were meant to be with eachother. i think u should prepare yourself to leave the marriage because its not healthy for anyone. u, y/m, "husband" and i use that term loosley, or any of their families. i pray to God it works out for you and your y/m