OMg Somebody hlp me.

Here I go:!!!!
WHat the heck is going wrong!??

Before I get started here. I just want to say that I am NOT a saint by any means. But in the same breath I will say that I treat my wife VERY well.

I am not here to brag but please tell me what the heck is going wrong with this relationship....the majority of it I have already "figured" out to some degree but need some input before I make a move.

To make this easier let me give a brief history. I dated my o/w for 5 years and have been married to her for 3.

Her x cheated on her. Did the whole strip bar thing, and prostitutes. she kicked him out 10 years ago. She never loved him and married him for "financial security and family pressure"

She has 4 kids and 3 grandchildren.

I like them all and like the whole domestic scene.

I treat her like a queen: I love doing so..and this is not a "resentment vent".

I fix her house, financilly support her, write her daily emails, call her spontaneously just to say I love her, Call her at work just to see how she is doing, Give her flowers, Spent 200+ Saturday Mornings Cleaning houses with her which she gets paid for and I do not. Write her love notes. Open the door for her at the car (EVEN WHEN SHE IS driving). Help her aging mother on countless occasions sometimes encompasssing 6+ hours of work on her house and yard.

I drove 1 hour across the city just to give her a hug that lasted 5 minutes when she was feeling down (she had to go back to work)

This is the problem. Everytime I don't do something i "normally" do. Weekly flowers, Daily Emails, Spontaneous love notes, etc etc.. she is always like "you don't love me anymore".

She goes on this rant were i don't "treat her like i used tooo".
And omg is she jealous. If i even talk to a girl she gets and attitude. She doesn't even want me watching football cause of the cheerleaders. We can't go the beach, theme parks, parks etc during the summer cause of the constant bickering about all the attractive girls that I am "supposedly checking out" Which I am not!!! in all honesty. God I can't even go to the gym anymore cause she always is "probing" at me and starting SH@@T cause there were girls there.

She was my first. Heck I was a virgin when I married her. I have saved EVeryting for her.

Wat the heck.. Can I expect life full of her suspiciouns, lack of belief in my love for her, Constant accusations every time I do something special for her and for some reason don't do "follow through" on occasion.


Her insecurities are eating this relationship alive. ..Omg should I force US to go to counceling or what..???

I agree with Nessa here... you can't force her to go to counseling, but you can suggest it. And if she doesn't go along with the idea, then you will have some hard things to consider.

Good luck and keep us posted.
~phosphorescent

Looks like the rose coloured glasses are coming off. Did you not see this before you married her, proably not if she was your first.

I think its sweet that you have put her needs before your own, but now you've created this monster and she's not going to go back to her box quietly. Alot of these issues are left overs from her marriage really. i don't know how long she waited to hook up with you after her divorce but it looks like she came with a whole lot of baggage that she didn't deal with and unfortunately, its in your line of vision and biting you square in the arse.

I agree with you, counseling is in order...I disagree that you should force her, but you should be firm about that the fact that if she does not comply it could seriously jeopardize this marriage. Obviously you've treated her like a queen for so long that she actually believes her last name to be Windsor, a wake up call is in order.

And make it clear to her that you would not leave because of anyone else but because of HER. I can see you've had enough...you hanging by a thread for sure. Unfortunately, you've made this marriage a marriage of giving while she takes and expects, so when you don't give, it becomes a "poor me, you dont' love me" situation.

Its great to give so much of yourself but you should be giving of your soul less of material things that withered and die. When you put someone up on such a pedestel they either appreciate it and give back hundredfold, or you can create a brat who doesn't appreicate the simple tokens of charity or selflessness. Good luck, you're going to have to make some hard decisions and it won't be easy.

Paris

I am similar to your wife. I have been outrageously jealous, completely self-centered, and totally insecure. I came HERE and it helped a whole lot! :D I'm not so insane anymore.

My Robin is like you, he does so much for me. I do remember to thank him though, and I do shower him with love and affection.

My ex-husband cheated on me a lot, and I have issues from that. It's really hard to let go of that baggage when in a new relationship. The thing is, she DOES have to let go. You're not going to cheat on her. It's hard for her to believe. You know what my Robin told me? He said, "Do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel better about this. Search my pants pockets, my drawers, my wallet, my truck, whatever. Show up at my friend's houses, show up at the bar (he's on a pool league), do WHATEVER IT TAKES to prove to yourself I am faithful."

In five years, he's never given me a reason to think otherwise, but I'm still kind of nutty now and then. I try really hard not to be, but old habits die hard. Thank God we love eachother so deeply that we can work through this.

There's a GORGEOUS girl who bartends at a local bar where Robin plays pool, and I just go whacko whenever he goes up there on the nights she's working. I'm like, "You're just going to stare at her all night!" and he's like, "What are you talking about? I don't even think she's that pretty. You're the one who thinks she's so great!" I make myself look stupid! The point is, it doesn't matter if she's as pretty as I think she is or not, if he wanted to be with her, he'd break up with me and be with her. I can't sheild him from every good-looking woman in the world. I have to trust him. That's the bottom line. He says, "If you just let go and trusted me, we'd be so much closer than we already are." Well, that's what I have to do to make our relationship the best that it can be, and it's hard for me, but it's worth it.

Get her to counseling if you can, because it will help. Coming here might help her too, we can knock some sense into her! :D Just kidding. But if she talked to others with the same insecurities, and was allowed to vent, it would really help her I'm sure.

As far as doing for her all the time, the next time she says, "You're not treating me like you used to! You don't love me anymore." Say, "Hey, it's hard to want to spoil you when all you do is accuse me of stuff I'm not doing and put me in a cage. I love you, and I'm not going to cheat on you, but you need to treat me as well as I treat you. I deserve that. How would you like it if I treated you the way you treat me and didn't let you go anywhere or accused you of looking at other men all the time?"

Let me know how it goes.

Asthetic909 ~

Yeah, you can't force her to go to counseling, but you can go on your own. You can calmly explain to her what the issues are (for you), why you want the two of you to go to counseling, ask her to go, and then let her know when you'll be going. Hopefully, she'll choose to go with you (or on her own) at some point.

AG aside, most people get married with the intent of being in it for the long haul. This can mean working through some pretty tough issues. Give 100 percent to fixing these problems, and hope that she'll do the same.

The gifts and such are nice - very nice, actually, the stuff that we do for those we love - keep doing it if you want to. But, there is something that takes the fun out of it when it's expected, especially when you get dinged for not doing it. Stuff isn't love. (Issue for counseling?)

The other thing is that we all need to do the things that we need to do to be happy. If jealousy or fear of confrontation is keeping you from going to the gym or other solo activities, this is going to become more difficult over time. We all need at least a little personal space, and really just the option to live our lives in a way that makes us happy.

Further, it sounds as if her jealous/insecurity is limiting the fun that you two can have together, as well. Again, tough in the long run.

All of this must feel or probably will eventually feel very suffocating.

I'm sure you've talked to her about all of this. Do it again (see the first paragraph, herein), and get yourself to counseling. It will hopefully relieve some stress and help you figure out how to give your all in fixing the problem(s).

Best of luck.

tx alot for the input..I thought I was imagining thinsgs I do give of my soul as well to this relationship and I guess thatz what hurts soo much.

I will be firm about getting her to counseling. And yes she is a brat..!!! I am not offended cause I know her VERY well.

I love her tons and never had this idea of a perfect marriage .. but omg.. Yes I have created a monster who is selfish and selfcentered.

In my efforts to make up for her past abuse I have done to much I am afraid..not far from waiting on her hand and foot.

Thx again all.

Wow I love this forum..


asthetic

You know you might want to soften your labeling of your wife as selfish and self centered. Maybe she is just insecure...

I don't know, when I hear men say that... it just bothers me.. I mean, to speak of specific problems, is one thing. She is your wife, you should have oneness, "speaking well of each other" as if you were speaking of your self. Am I making any sense?

There are always two sides to the story, so try to REALLY HEAR her when you go to counseling (if you go). I just have this weird feeling that we don't know the whole story....???? Do we?

"selfish and self centered. Maybe she is just insecure..."

I don't think anyone is saying that her feelings aren't stemming from insecurity. The question is what you do with those feelings of insecurity that EVERYBODY has.
If you do selfish and self-centered things with those feelings, then that is a problem.

It's not an unsolvable problem or an unforgivable problem or an inhuman problem, it's just a problem.

But it probably doesn't get better without working on it.

hi Asthetic909,
I came from a bad marriage myself and in fact most of my past relationships involved cheating and lying and so on. When I met my y/m I was totally insecure to say the least, but he was like you, doing all he could to reassure me he was NOT like my ex etc. Because I saw ME as old and not attractive, I too was threatened by every young girl within 50 miles, but I got over it because I slowly came to realize this man really loves me and has done nothing to make me think any different. He handled my problem a lot like Pollys y/m.
Im sorry your wife isnt to that point and still has so many fears about trusting and believing she is who you want and love. I dont see how she could ask for more proof but it just goes to show how insecure she is about herself
I agree with everyone that in your case councelling could really help and I hope she is willing to go. I think she might bristle if you said SHE had a problem and needed councelling LOL and I dont know if I would make it an ultimatium at this point, but you could say you have been wondering if it might help us work out some problems if we went to councelling together. If she says no, then I dont think Id get mad at this point or force the issue, Id just say to her that you were sorry she felt that way but since there are problems you dont know how to deal with you have decided that maybe an impartial person would have some suggestions or insight into them and you were going to go anyway .
On the down side though, I can say from my own experience at least that it can get pretty frustrating when only one person is willing to work on things or see their faults or look for solutions,
and the other person is still the same as ever and not working at it with you.
If you go to councelling and share with her some of the ideas and suggestions the councellor may have for the two of you to work on and she still refuses to even TRY, THEN I would say thats when it would come down to telling her either shes willing to make an effort or there is no point in you continuing to try and make things work when she isnt. Hopefully it wont come to that and she will be agreeable to councelling with you. I think someone also mentioned bringing her here which would be good too.