Psychology of OW/ YM dominance

I have always been attracted to older women. At 20, I dated a 39 yo. I married a gal 8 years older, and am now in a dating situation where I am 39 and she is 51. I am mature, professional, strong, athletic and very independant but I love taking care of a woman, doing all the things for her, being a "houseboy" and a provider... serving her in a sense. With this gal, everything seems to be going great. We communicate so well, politically we match and our sex life is totally DYNAMITE.. 2-3 times a day... NO KIDDING. ... my issue is: I have always been attracted to strong, powerful, emotionally mature women. In point, women that will dominate me in a sense... things always go really well at first and then it seems however, that as strong as a woman can be, and as much as they love my being their "houseboy" they really just want a man in charge.

It is hard to put this into words here, but thought this might be a good place to put it out there.

Hmm...I don't know that this is a good place necessarily, because at least in -my- world, there doesn't need to be anybody dominating anyone. You won't ever hear -me- say I want a man in charge. Neither do I have to hold all the cards myself, each of us leads at different times. We are a team of 2 equals and that's the way we both like it.

I don't think your craving to be submissive has anything to do with age gap at all really. It's just that those you have found to dominate you happen to be older, perhaps you read an OW's natural self-assurance as a need for power for some reason. Because you've associated the two things, you seem to feel that just because someone is older, she is a dom. You can't expect 2 things you have mis-labeled as the same to *be* the same. You just have to look for someone who really *does* need to be dominant, older or not, if you want that.

Besides, you have an unusual view of what submissiveness is...most people would say that the provider is the dominant one. It's all in how each couple negotiates the meaning of things, and that's what's important. Is she in on your need? It sounds like you're just expecting her to be a certain way without her actually knowing this. You should talk to *her* about it.

have always been attracted to strong, powerful, emotionally mature women. In point, women that will dominate me I felt like my last boyfriend was like you. In the beginning flirty stage, I enjoyed being "pampered".

His mantra was "your every wish is my command". But I got tired and bored of the ALWAYS A BOY TOY routine. It got to where it became too phony (???). Then I found out that he was not being his true self. I had a feeling that was happening, but he kept denying it. Then he finally owned up to it. Then I was like "who is this guy anyway?"

I don't know if this will help you but it is just my take on what I went through.

Personally I think those Dom/Sub roles are a bit hokey in real life....fun role play in the bedroom but I dont know that they translate to real life so well. No offense to anyone who choose to live that full lifestyle or anything but it wouldnt work for me.
I like a man with a strong personality, who can take charge when needed and take care of me when I NEED it...but who also recognizes MY strength and intelligence, and that I can also take charge if need be, and shoulder responsibilites in life.
Its give and take, ebb and flow. Real life is you be here for me and I'll be there for you; you and me against the world. Nobody, in my opinion wants anyone they care about to be a "HOUSEBOY". :confused:

Now granted I am not in a relationship currently but thats my take on real life love.
Ironically (especially to you perhaps!) although I prefer to date younger men, I like to be submissive in bed most of the time. Age has NO correlation to dominance in my world, whatsoever.
Just my .02 cents :D

Maybe the expectations are different...What you encounter might be strong women who need you to be stronger in a way...It might seems as if they want to dominate you but that is only because they are strong willed and you need to give more kinda (ugh, wish I could explain this better...)
Either way, try to get control of the situation and make sure to express how you feel and work it from there...It could be too much for you to handle then maybe a different type of woman would be better suited for you ?!

I really, really liked what Nessa had to say there!

And see.. I'm a dominant personality in real life... however, in real life, I do not like to dominate other people. I can't help that I'm opinionated and hard working and refuse to let the world step all over me (but, I only fight for something if I believe in it and it's a wrong to me or my friends). LOL.

BUT ~ I like a man who is capable of ravishing me. Let me tell you, if *I* had to do all the work in the relationship AND in the bedroom, I'd be one BORED cookie.

I do not want to be dominated. I do not want to dominate. I want a man who is my equal, who is playful and fun and capable of keeping up with my HECTIC lifestyle and who wants to do thing together.

I have him. And I don't want him to be my housemaid and I don't want him to be dependent on me and I don't want him to expect me to be the dominatrix.

Ain't gonna happen unless we're rollplaying.

Lalalallaa...
~phosphorescent

ummm...DITTO! :D

So, I think what you are saying is that you like the submissive role all the way around...in and out of the bedroom. I'm sure some women like that exist, but most women (dare I say PEOPLE?) want equality in our society...not necessarily to dominate 24/7.

Seems like something you'd have to advertise for...

Originally posted by Nessa
brian is a submissive in the bedroom sometimes... he's not a submissive outside of the bedroom and if he was i would not be happy.

most women i know who are very powerful at work like to be the sub in the bedroom if they are into that.

real life to me is not about dominance or submissivness it's about partnership.

and once again i'm going to stress that any relationship where sex is so important that it has to be mentioned in the first post about how FANTASTIC it is 2 or 3 times a day.....

what happens to the relationship when the sex slows down? real life for me and those that work full time, have kids and other things is being able to have a FANTASTIC relatioinshiop and NOT have sex for 2 or 3 weeks but still know how much in love you are.....

i know a couple of 22 year old that could dominate the hell out of you.... AGE has nothing to do with it.

Absolutely true... crosses age and gender. I am 36 and my fiance is 19. He is absolutely *NOT* submissive in the bedroom in anyway whatsoever.

I think the point that things are falling apart here is in between the bedroom games and the part where a sex partner becomes a life partner.

Who cares who's dominant and who's submissive in the bedroom? Big whoop.

But outside the bedroom, nobody wants a slave. They want a friend they can trust and rely on, somebody who will be there for them consistently and somebody they can share the good parts and the badd parts with and the responsibility of an adult life.

You can't do that with a slave.

I don't know what to say here. For myself, I love to be submissive in the bedroom and just be ravished - I feel more desired that way. When the guy says "take charge" or whatever, they always seem sort of detached or should I say bored, mostly, to me anyway. on the other hand, i love giving my honey oral sex, which COULD seem submissive, BUT I feel so much power when I do it that I feel like I am in charge and the dominant one in that scenario. hmn! DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL DOMINANT WHEN "GIVING" IN THIS WAY? I always feel sOOOOOOO in charge and it totally turns me on to watch him squirm and watch his body begging for MORE!

As for the houseboy, I had one once - it was cool - and he was dominant in the bedroom - just enough.

i really believe none of this has to do with age.

i am glad you found a safe place to share (here).

excuse me for rambling here - I am new.

thank you everyone and happy holidays!

Stu is beautiful, gentle, & submissive by nature, and I think having some exposure to the BDSM scene (more specifically, the philosophy & psychology behind dominance & submission in relationships) helped me to accept this about him. Because lets face it, we women have it pretty deeply ingrained to `want' empowered men, if not macho or dominating men too! Its not easy to respect submissivenes in a man, but its something I've learned to understand better (and value)

I can only really comment on some of the problems it raises for us. First & foremost, a submissive person CAN operate 24/7 in a relationship with a trustworthy significant other. Its a prolific scenario in the BDSM scenes around the world. It can and does work (though its not how we live because I am uncomfortable with dominating anything or anyone! Its why I'm a very poor horsewoman STILL after years of training as a child)

BUT the BIG problem is how to deal with the world? Submissive people get their needs swept aside, attract abusive friends & bosses, and are ill-equipped to defend what they want to keep (including your relationship). None of these problems are good for a relationship, and we've encountered them all.

Pretty early on we discussed these things and Stu told me that although his submissiveness is pretty ingrained, he recognises the necessity for him to move towards becoming assertive.

So thats how we approach things, and we do it for both our benefit. He needs to grow and have some power over his life. He needs to be able to defend the life we are building together! A submissive person cannot do these things, and its hurts the relationship.

I guess what I'm saying is that, like everyone else, I think submission & dominace are best kept to `play'. If you are TRULY dominating or TRULY submissive, then what you have is personality problem which needs to strive for better balance. Its better to work towards personal empowerment if you are submissive. You may find yourself with soem DANGEROUS people if you look for domineering partners too, so watch out.

1. maybe I am wrong here but I think that the bedroom is an opportunity to play out one's fantasies and desires. its a chance to let oneself go and to have fun, to be free... and perhaps a bit kinky as well. The intimate encounter that one has with a woman does not necessarily determine the broader relationship; instead, it is an opportunity to explore all different aspects of one another. if that means being submissive or dominant, in the bedroom, so be it. furthermore...

2. ... I don't think that just because one is submissive in the bedroom that means that he/she... usually she... is going to be walked all over outside of the bedroom. the notion of a bedroom submissive is an important concept, I think, that has to be taken seriously. my experience tells me that once one is comfortable enough to really let her guard down in private she is, in a way, often able to live a double life. Not a double life in a bad way but that when she is in private with someone she cares about she can really let loose and be herself. but, when she is in public, she can do what she needs to do in order to be successful. going from a bedroom submissive to a 24/7 slave type is a HUGE jump and not needed at all. one can be one way in the sac and another way in the public square.... ande in a way, if she is, that is more kinky. It is more kinky because I know her in a way that is different from everyone else.....grrrrr.... :)

Well, I've heard of thise preconception that younger men tend to be more submissive in a relationship with an older woman. Do you think this is true?

p.s. when it comes to sex my younger partner is more dominant than I, but in regular life we try to be equal.

I know I'd be, initially. (20/M)

Until I got the hang of it anyway. Of course, I've abstained from sexual activity so far.

Well, my YM and I talked TONS about sex before we actually did it. And he let me know inno uncertain terms that HE wanted to be in control in bed, unless he decided otherwise. Which was a huge turn on for me. I happen to love it when the man adores me and is all over me, feeding me, running out to get something I left in the car, fixing things, asking if I am cold, saving the last bite of food for me, and then, later --- RAVISHING me. And I can rarely find the guts to tell them what I want, sort of ashamed/embarassed. But we had that all agreed on well before Show Time. And it works.

Thanks for a good question!

p.s. I feel WAY more in control when GIVING oral sex - watching him squirm and trying not to come yet and hearing him moan and sigh and breathing heavily. Any one else feel this way?

p.s. I feel WAY more in control when GIVING oral sex - watching him squirm and trying not to come yet and hearing him moan and sigh and breathing heavily. Any one else feel this way?
Since you have repeated this again, you might want to copy it and post in the Ageless Sexually Speaking forum. You will probably get more answers there. This is the PG section. :D

Yellowrose is correct. Discussions about sexual relationships needs to take place in the Sexually Speaking forum. I believe the original posters intention was to discuss dominance in the relationship, not the sexual relationship.

Thank you,

Whiterose
Moderator

I am in a Dom/sub relationship with my OW. It's not always easy, but it adds an extra bit of excitement to the YM/OW dynamic, which I think everyone in this forum will agree is pretty exciting to begin with!

To each his/her own. Both I and my OW find it exciting.

Nessa....

Thats not what I said. Yes he was fun to be with and all, but
I said more things like.....have I gone crazy to be having feelings for a man this young. What is wrong with me...duhhhh.

Then before I knew it I was saying....HELP....Save me....I'm falling and I can't say no. :)

Actually, my y/m is the oldest acting y/m that I know. So there was no real excitement regarding his age. He's mature and didnt act like what I thought a man 28 should act ..
We do have exciting times but they have nothing to do with his age.