The ex-spouse and the kids

I almost hate to bring this subject up, because I know a lot of us have such horrible stories about "the ex".

BUT, I can't sleep tonight because my situation has me so PO'd...just wondering if someone could tell me if I am being a b-word or I am justified.

My ex lives in Missouri, and I live in Kansas. He sees the kids very rarely......this summer it will have been two years since he has seen them I believe.

About four years ago, my ex met a really nice woman. She had a child of her own from a previous relationship, and they had another one together. Let me stress that this woman is very very nice to me and my children.

However, my ex doesn't pay child support, or send the kids gifts for their birthdays or Christmas or anything like that. And this very nice woman does not work, and hasn't since they have been together. And sitting here thinking about how my ex supports her and this child that isn't even his (nothing against the child), but doesn't take care of his own kids is just pissing me right off.

In the meantime I have James here, who is only 22 years old, being a father to these children, taking them to the movies and out to eat and paying for their extra things like athletics, etc. So, it's not like the children are missing out really, but I am just soooo angry.

Has anyone else had a situation like this? I almost feel guilty because this woman is so nice, but I just can't get past being angry.

BTW, this was all brought on because my ex called my children and told them he was sending them some money for Christmas in the mail. He told them he had already mailed it when he called, and now it's several weeks later and it never arrived.

I wouldn't have cared if he didn't send them anything, but the fact that he spoke to them and told them he was and then didn't is what upsets me. I had specifically asked him not to do that in the past, and told him if he was going to send them anything to let it be "a surprise", because when he told them he was sending something they would check the mailbox for days and be very disappointed when it would not arrive.

(((((((((((((((((Jody)))))))))))))))))


First I give you a hug. :D

No you are not being a b-word! I would be PO'ed too! Your feelings are completely justified. HE is being a jerk, HE is neglecting his responsibilities to HIS children while caring for a new family. And none of this has anything to do with how nice this new family is because it is all about HIM. So don't feel bad about how nice they are because you aren't angry with them, you are angry with your ex.

The question is what do you do with that anger?

Thanks guys...((hugs))

I just feel so awkward, because on one hand...I am really offended that he would support his girlfriend and this child who isn't his before he would support his own children, and I REALLY want to say something to him.

On the other hand, the girl has been so nice, that Im afraid saying anything would just come across hateful, and cause problems between she and I.

I know were James and I in this situation, he would say something to me like, "honey, im sorry, but your going to have to get a job because I can't keep up with my child support payments", and it just irks me that he doesn't do the same thing.

BTW...haven't heard a peep from him since he didn't send the money to them when he promised, of course.

And Moon is right....there has to be a way to deal with this anger I carry with me that doesn't keep me up all night. *smiles*

I just have such a hard time with things when it comes to my children. I love them so much, and so much want what is right for them, that it's just sort of inconceivable to me that their father does not care for them in the same way.

I have 2 exs and have never had this situation. LOL my ex's would be too frightened of me to pull this ****! Anything short of terminating this loser's parental rights is too generous imho...

I'm glad I never had to go thru this .....

My husband has a son... and when i first was with him his son was 16 years old.. the ex never even really called.... we went to OHio and she was nice to me..... I don't agree with her mothering skills but I don't hav to talk to her!! it's great!! His son is now 19 and Chuck only needs to talk to his son never the Ex.... He says hi to her and stuff but other than that nothing left to say!!

Why exactly isn't he paying child support?

Isn't this the law?

Why not try http://www.supportkids.com/?MarketingSource=Google&MarketingCode=0D0704

http://supportcollectors.com/intake.php?sid=3f7c668e053b07f449dbcaed9d7e1679

Thats a good question. I guess he feels because I make more money than he does, he doesn't need to? He just never had paid his child support.

In our state, once you get past a certain point in the amount of child support you owe (and Im not certain what that point is), the goverment steps in and goes after them. I think it's referred to as a "dead-beat dad" law. Last I knew he owed me something around 25,000 dollars. That was several years ago.

I'll look at the link! Thanks Littleowl!

In the idea of "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar," if you get along with your ex's new girl, perhaps you can talk to her about it and she could pressure him?

Jody... I went through something kind of similar with child support and my son's Dad. While, he and I are actually friends, I have always made more money than he has and at first, he was good about paying his support. Then things went downhill for him and I cut him some slack. We made an agreement for a small set amount and actual invoiced splits on major things, like school curriculums, sports, clothes, etc..

Well... the inch turned into a mile and accumulated to a little over $3k. Last summer, I sent him a legalese worded letter stating that if he did not agree to my new scheduled payment plan (LOL), that would catch him up in 1.5 years, I would be going to the state to have the original agreement reinstated and his wages garnished. I had it notorized and mailed it to him.

He called me and we talked and he agreed to pay the "catch-up" cost for four months, then reduce that by $100 for all of 2005 and in 2006 we can go back to the current agreement, provided he payed me ON TIME every month, no excuses.

So far... it's been 5 months and he's been great.

I guess a LOT of the reason I cut him so much slack for so long is that he is really a good, loving, attentive dad. If he were not as involved in his sons life, NO WAY would I have given him an inch and I would have had his butt nailed to a wall in a heartbeat.

But, he is there. Every Tuesday, without question, without failure. And his mother usually asks to have my son every other weekend (my X works weekends), and MAN, all I can say is: If anyone could have CHOSEN a mother in-law, EVERYONE would have chosen this woman. She is unbelievable and I love her as a second mom!!!

So, yeah... I was willing to cut my X some serious slack for a long time on the child support because he was THERE for his son. If he pulled the crap your X did with my son, I would make his life miserable in every way, shape and form. It would become an obsession and a vendetta. No one hurts my kids. ESPECIALLY not their family. :o

And, oddly enough, I've reached a point where I really have a huge amount of respect for my son's Dad for not bailing on his boy. With all the crap that fell on him in the years after we divorced, he stood strong for his son.

But, GEEZ. Go nail that butthead to the wall on the child support!

~phosphorescent

Jody~

I can empathize with you about the making of promises to see your kids and not following through.

I have experienced this with my ex (bf). Although he is not my daughter's dad, he raised her for 6 years from the times she was 3. He doesn't have any children of his own and has always said she is his little girl. When we were together, they were very close. He was so patient with her, much more than I was. He taught her how to ride a bike, how to count money, etc.

When we split up, he stayed in touch with us. He would pick her up sometimes and take her out to eat and a lot of times would buy her something from the mall.

I finally told him that she didn't need gifts all the time, she needed his time. It has been 8 years since we separated. Through that time, he made many plans with her that he did not follow through on. It was very frustrating for her and I.

I tried many times to just cut him out of our lives. He would never comply with that. He has been married for 7 years and is now getting a divorce. Although, he has always been there in the background, he is now making a bigger effort to see her and spend time with her. He has really grown and matured.

However, his unavailability through those years really had an effect on her. She has been in counseling a couple of different times. Whenever anything happens that is emotionally upsetting, she always leads everything back to him and the fact that he wasn't there for her 100%.

You are entitled to feel lousy about the situation, but again the issue is what to do about it. My overall approach to things about my ex that get to me are that he ruined at least 10 years of my life - I don't want to let him ruin any more.

My ex lives very close & sees our son several times a week. I set the schedule and he just has to do the stuff (like - take him to soccer, get a haircut, go to the library - since he has him every Saturday there is a lot of things to arrange for the kid).

Ex makes more than I do after years of my being the major money maker. Child support is on automatic bill payment, so the check just shows up in my mail - no need to remind him etc.

I sympathize with the new woman at home feelings - my ex is remarried and "she" doesn't work because someone has to stay at home with their four dogs!!! I recall there was a "hell, no way" attitude to the possibility of my staying home when our son was born!!