Here's one I haven't read on here before.

Ok, here's one...

And I don't even know which forum to put this in...

My 10 year old has a really good friend, she calls her nearly every night and chats on the phone, they invite my daughter somewhere once or twice a month, and we have her over to play every month or so, which usually winds up in a sleep-over.

They're very bible religious, take my daughter to church and church programs, which is great, cause I haven't gone to church except for funerals for a couple of years, and I feel guilty about that with my daughter sometimes.

Today, when I got home from work, my daughter cornered me in the kitchen and said I need to talk to you about something. She said Bailey's mom told Bailey to try to find out if David hurts me. She was honestly puzzled. I said, well, Sweetie, it sounds like he's worried that he might be molesting you. She asked what's molested? So I said, you know how we've talked about innappropriate touching and stuff? She got a horrified look on her face and said "you mean that we need to kick Bailey's mom's butt?" I told her no, but it meant that she obviously saw a relationship that was different than she was used to seeing, and she's trying to come up with a reason for it in her own mind.

Ok, so what's the proper response here? And if she truly thought something like that was going on, why the hell would she let her daughter spend the night here? So do I not let my daughter, or her's spend time together? Or do I encourage them to spend even more time together? I'm truly befuddled. Do I call her? Sheesh....

I'm a little confused as to what Bailey's mom is trying to find out. Is she trying to see if your partner abuses you, or if he molests your daughter? Or both?

She wanted her daughter to ask my daughter if David hurts my daughter. Sorry, my typing isn't very clear.

I'm most upset that she'd involve two 10 year olds in this, and the look on my daughter's face when it dawned on her what she meant.

I wish if she had questions, she'd have just come to me.

Yeah... I have to agree, that's pretty upsetting. Not to mention inconsistent. If she's so worried, why does she allow her daughter to stay over? Is she trying to get her to "spy" on you and David?

Uhhh, no idea how I'd handle this one. Well, that's not true -- but the way I'd handle it is probably not very politic (i.e. tell your daughter to tell her daughter to mind her own beeswax).

As you say, she certainly didn't have to involve the kids in her wild speculations. That's just... ew.

I thought of that too, Sally... but it's not just a parenting issue. Or rather, it's how best to deal with someone else's parent and with prejudice in general.

I agree with Sally. It may be a bigger issue than just parenting, this is not an OW/YM Relationship Support issue. So, I'm going to move this to the Parenting Forum, but, I'll leave a redirect from here to there.

As for me, I'd definitely be calling Bailey's mother and inviting her over for a private discussion about her concerns before I would allow Bailey to return to my home.

I hope everything works out Bella. How awful that the little girls are in the middle of this. :(

That's incredibly inappropriate.

The only good excuse for asking your daughter something like that would be if they saw your daughter and/or David act strangely together.

Otherwise, it sounds like it's completely out of left field and probably has something to do with resentment towards either just David or maybe (as you typed) the "unorthodox" relationship that you two share.

Well Bella, just be straight up. Pick up the phone, call Bailey's mom and tell her you'd like to talk to her about a few things you've heard from your daughter. Do this in the manner that you've heard some "wacky things" from your daughter and you'd like to talk to her because "she knows how 10 year olds can be." Then I'd invite her to lunch or coffee talk to her a bit about the girls and then bring it up flat out. She's obviously laboring under some kind of misconception, and it needs to be remedied once and for all.

My guess (and only a guess) is that she feels your relationship with David is SO out of the box that their must be something wrong with him to find an OW attractive. That in turn puts your daughter in danger of child molestation.

*shakes head* Well it does take all kinds, doesn't it?

Could this woman be angry with you about something?

You know, I would definitely call her up.

I had a situation that was kind of a stone's throw from that. A woman where I live wouldn't allow her children to come over and play with my children because I was a child molester, apparently, for starting to date James when he was 18. To make it worse, she worked for my children's school system, and discussed it at the school. ARRRRGH.

I was furious, but once I calmed down, I called her right up. I think I can safely say she was quite surprised to hear from me, AND I can also say I don't think she ever intended for me to hear what she said.

Looking at it from a not furious perspective now, I guess she probably was GENUINELY concerned about her children, and probably mine as well. She didn't handle it the best way possible, and neither did this lady you are dealing with.

She may truly, in her ignorance of the situation, be genuinely concerned about your daughter....and I think calling her and talking with her about it will not only put her mind at rest, but also yours and David's.

Your poor daughter, give her a hug from me. That must have confused her. :(

I'd have to call her directly and tell her what your daughter related to you, and then ask her if she had a conversation like that with her daughter, and let it flow from there. Does she have concerns she'd like to share with you, etc...

If it were me, I'm afraid I'd have an issue with my daughter hanging out with them. That's pretty creepy. On the other hand, my guess is that "average joe" would have issues with the age gap of your relationship.

I was in a 27 yr age gap, and a lot of people just "didn't get it."

That is a tough one. But please do call her and discuss it with the Mother.

Ask if there has been anything EVER said by your daughter that would prompt a question like that. It could be just a HUGE misunderstanding. I admit that I am hypervigilant these days about molesters. I would never say anything, like was said to your daughter though, without a lot of thought.

It could be, something that was just misunderstood. So just take it from the tack, that, you want to clear things up.

Now... for my own beliefs. I will never again let my kids/grandkids spend the night with someone. My oldest daughter, the one who is in treatment now, well, she was assaulted at the age of 12 by the girlfriend's FATHER. She did not tell me, until she was close to 30. I would have never believed that my daughter would not tell me everything... but she was afraid that her Dad would kill her friend's Dad. And he would have.

This crap is so prevalent, that it will make you nuts, when you find out how much it is happening. Maybe, the woman has experienced it herself, and is too vigilant due to her own stuff. Just some things to think about.

I'm chiming in on the side of calling her.

I will offer some little advice. Start non confrontational, no need to create unwarranted animosity or fuel her fire.

As a person who has worked with children for the past 25 years -ECE Daycare & as a dance instructor - I can tell you that children can get things wrong. ( If parents only knew some of the things their kids have said to me) I am speaking of your daughters friend here. There is a chance that she misunderstood or poorly phrased what her mom wanted her to ask.

Approach the question from this angle. If the woman admits to a negative intent - no matter how well meaning she was - then by all means let her have it with both barrels.

Not only is this an insulting assumption due to an age gap relationship it is also and more importantly a potential accusation that could haunt your young man for the rest of his life. Just the rumor of it could be forever damaging to him.

I would not be shy about using the words defamation of character, slander and imminent lawsuit as well.

Tell me why some people are so disgusting?

No offence to the churchy people here either but I would love to know why so many - not all - good church going folks are so willing to jump to the worst conclusions when it comes to those who's beliefs or behaviors do not support their own.

A really mad Rabbit

Thats the problem with people who are sooo very bible-religious... they tend do see a lot of things that are not there... because they want to be soo good in the eyes of god.. *fewww*
Religions can be so scary at times.

I would give that mother a call and directly talk to her.

... isn't there somewhere a passage in the bible that love between an older woman and a younger guy is forbidden?? I BET there is - some religious fanatic will find it!! LOL

Dear God, Bella. That is the most repulsive thing I've heard in a while. What's upsetting here is involving these young children in her wild speculations.

I'm half afraid that if you did speak to her, she'd just launch into some long, elaborate scenario about how your defensiveness indicates your abuse and brainwashing and so on. People do that.

Maybe I'd just have David write her a note or stop over there since after all, he's really the one being maligned here, and assure her that he is madly in love with the MOTHER and a caring and devoted step-parent to the daughter and what has made her have these concerns about him and what can he do to put them to rest so she won't have to worry anymore?

I'd imagine she'd have a pretty hard time justifying any of this to his face and it would be less cliche'd than you rushing to his defense.

Just a thought :>

Yuckers on the whole situation, though.

Sometimes I think we take this business of thinking we know what's going on in other people's circumstances a little too far. :(

Jeeze.
I wroter her a letter. I was scared to call her, I didn't want to sound angry and I wasn't sure I would be able to not be that way if I talked to her.
This is what I wrote, with her name removed:
________________________________________________
Dear---------,
Carley came to me tonight to tell me that Bailey told her you have some questions about David.

I'd appreciate it if you have any questions about our family or anything,if you'd come to me rather than involve my child.

I really do appreciate all you've done for Carley, and what a good friend Bailey is, but Carley is pretty innocent yet, and being asked by her friend to find out if someone is "hurting" her totally bewildered her. She was quite upset when she realized what she was really being asked. I don't want the girl's friendship affected, Bailey is her very best friend, and my favorite of Carley's friends as well, I like having her around, nearly as much as Carley does.

Please be reassured, not only does she have me, and her father, to protect her, she also has three very protective grown siblings, who would kill anyone who hurt her. I'd be the first to take action if that ever were a possibility. Followed very closely by the rest of her family, including David.

I'd be very happy to answer any questions about him, or whatever else you feel you need to be privy to in my life. We have nothing to hide, so please anytime, ask away. Yes, there is an age difference, other than that, we're a quite boringly normal couple. You get used to it, once you get to know us and how totally normal we are. Plus, David works in healthcare, any baseless rumors could badly hurt his career.

I don't know if writing is the appropriate way to handle this, I'm pretty upset, actually a little sick that that would even be considered, and didn't want to call you, as I don't want this to escalate into something it doesn't need to. I do want to reassure you though, that you honestly have nothing to worry about, and your daughter is totally safe with us.

Anyway, thanks for your concern, and I really do thank you for caring about my daughter.

Frances
__________________________________________
So in school today, Bailey started crying, told Carley she can't be friends with her anymore unless she breaks her mom's rules.
And not a word from the mother to me personally.
Lovely.....

Well, that is very sad.

I understood why you wrote, and I may have as well, but probably a conversation would have been more productive, because now there is a barrier that can only be broken with conversation. Perhaps Bailey's mother is really embarrassed, or perhaps she thinks she knows something that isn't true, but she thinks it is, for whatever reason or misunderstanding. To me, it would be worth it to get to the bottom of it by a conversation, at least on the phone.

In the end, it may be the best thing for your daughter not to hang around that family. You just may not be able to see it right now.

I think your letter was very kind, and should not have elicited the response it did (telling her daughter not to associate with your daughter anymore) which tells me there is something more afoot in her household than meets the eye.

I'd either get to the bottom of it immediately, or chalk it up to a weird occurance and let it go...and let your daughter grieve the relationship and move on.

Just got off the phone with them, talked to the mom and dad both. They said that Bailey had told them one day a couple of weeks ago, that Carley was really sad, and wouldn't talk about why. They told me that they told Bailey that sometimes people have problems at home, and that when we know something is going on, we should tell our parents, but not talk to other people about it. They said they certainly didn't tell her to ask anything. And the explanation for the not being friends anymore? They said they lectured Bailey after reading my note about this is what they meant about not talking about things, that they meant she should talk to them, not to Carley, and that she'd probably damaged her friendship with Carley now. They say that's what Bailey misunderstood as not being able to be friends with her. OK.

We're all good now. I think. I think there was a little more knee jerk reaction at their house than they're admitting, but its ok.

I did tell them that this is their first time doing this with a 10 year old girl, and I've been down this road before. That 10 year olds are drama queens, and Carley being sad for a day is a normal run of the mill thing for prepubescent girls.

I thanked them for caring again, told them though, that often kids take things out of context, and I've seen people who were damaged by adults taking what a kid said and running with it.

I also apologized for writing, but told them if I'd called right away, I was upset enough, that I'd have probably not come across very reasonably, and I didn't want things blown out of proportion from my end either.

We'll see, hopefully we've all learned to know each other a little better.

They made Bailey get on the phone and apologize to me, which I wasn't too happy with, but I just told her that I wanted her and Carley to stay best friends, and I thought she was a great kid myself, and lets all just forget it. I hate hearing little girls cry on the phone.

This just felt icky.

Sounds to me like the 10-year-olds aren't the only ones being drama queens here. Yeesh.

I think you handled it just fine, Bella, and I completely understand why you chose to write her a letter. Clearly Bailey's mom has got issues with something (God only knows what), but let's hope it's stopped being anyone's problem but her own.

I'm not cool with parents dumping their issues on their kids... not at all. As you said: That just feels icky. :(

I'm glad things worked out Bella. I know that sometimes things get all twisted around in a child's mind. The message they conveyed to her may have come out completely different on her receiving end.

I think you handled this very well. Good for you. :)

Wow what an upsetting bit of drama! lol

Sorry I wasn't around. I think you did the absolute best thing you could and I'm glad to hear that its somewhat resolved now.

I agree about 10 year old lil girls... been there, done that ;). Hang in there honey and I hope that Bailey and Carley are able to put things back together quickly without any further problems.

how is your daughter doing with the whole thing now?

and how are you feeling?

We're all better. They came and picked Carley up and took her to a voice recital with them this weekend.

Kind of strained yet at the door, but it'll be fine.

I'm glad. They fill a lot of gaps for her. Her dad only manages to come see her for a few hours every couple of months, and the weekends are kind of rough for her sometimes, missing him.

I am glad things seem to be well...but I am concerned about the whole idea about having to explain all the evil and ugliness to your petite pristine flower..I am upset that all this nastiness had to give your daughter an awakening that she is not ready for..My son is 9, and I love him just being able to worry about where he left his gameboy, or what is on the T.V....not wondering who can I trust,Mommy? Having to tell her the ugly things , and making her consciencious that these things happen.....I was beaten into conformity myself about how men were not to be trusted..I learned about molestation,and alot of more hair raising things at a young age..too bad my mom never gave me the talk about my menstration cycle...
peace,
Yvette

Thanks you guys.

Dragonfly, that's what my inner gut has been telling me. Things like that are too, something, for a 10 year old to come up with on their own.

I'm afraid that if that's the mindset they are, they'd take almost anything she said out of context as proof they're right.

They're so innocent yet at 10, I just hate the fact that someone's dirty mind can scuff that. Yeah, I know they have to know evil exists, so they can recognize it, but don't go overboard.

Yvette, we already had the menstral cycle talk, I'm sorry your mom missed that. The look on their faces is priceless. "I'm going to do WHAT every month??? I have to use WHAT for that???? YUCK!!" A couple of her friends have already started though.

We have a date for when she starts, to celebrate womanhood, we're doing manicures, pedicures, hairdos, and tea. I did the same thing for my older daughter when she started. Gotta put up with the icky stuff of being a woman, might as well get to have some of the fun stuff too.