kids and sex

ok, i know comments have been made in different threads about taking to your kids about sex. and i have been doing it basically since they were young. but i have a situation to deal with, and i need some advice on how to handle it.

i found out that a friend that my son has had since pre-school has started having sex (14 yo) he started last summer with one girl, and now has a different girl friend that he is having sex with.

my son said something to a me while ago to the effect that the friend wasn't a virgin any more, and friend's mom knew about it. but from what he said, i kind of thought that maybe it was a molestation kind of thing (the family has a lot of problems)

friend's mom is also a friend of mine, and she just told me differently. i know that she has different views of sex and promiscuity than i do, but it has still scared the S*** out of me.

does anyone have some specific advice on what i can say to my son? i defiantely want him to respect the sexual act and not just think of it as a game to be played with whoever is available.

i know my daughter has a huge influence on him. and she has the basically the same opinion that i do. she won't even kiss a guy unless she really has deep feelings for him.

Wildthing, I would just be open and honest with my son. I have a 15 yo so I know what you mean. When he does start talking to you about it, just let him talk and then tell him how you feel and put those values you have taught him out there. And yes, those siblings have a great impact on them. My son is very close to his sister and she has been an influence for good on him. You have more impact as a parent on him than the general public believe, he will hear your words in his head when he is faced with a decision.

And about the boy that you are wondering if there sexual abuse involved....if you are wondering that, you must have a reason to think it, he might need some help.

about the other boy, i asked his mom, and she said he had just been active recently. and he is already been getting help. he has a multitude of problems, including self-cutting, which i know she has been taking him to see the right people for a long time. so i'm not worried about that part of it. she is doing what she can, it is just that he is fighting it.

Nessa, i've been basically doing that for a while. generally with some humor involved. i've told him that if he ever treats a girl badly, i will make it so he can never have kids :D he also came to me and asked me how old he had to be before he could have sex (a couple years ago) and i told him 96. but then we laughed and talked about it.

a few years ago too, he came to me with concerns about masterbation, and we talked and came to the conclusion that he wanted to wait until he was older. more reciently, i had a talk with my daughter about having sexual feelings, and told her i would rather she masterbated than get involved in something that she was not emotionally ready to handle.

i would like for both of them to wait until they were married, but i know it isn't reasonable to expect it. if they can at least make it out of their teens and wait until they find someone they love who loves them, i will be able to breathe :rolleyes:

i have tried to make sure i set the example i want him to follow. i want him to understand that he is just not emotionally mature enough to handle it until he is much older. but one of my main problems with him is that since he turned 14 he believes he is adult, and the man of the house. with him, it seems harder.

i guess what i'm looking for is suggestions on what to say to him for this particular situation. i don't know what his friend has told him, but i want to counteract what ever he may have said about how great it is or macho guy stuff.

I would suggest continuing to talk to him about your feelings on sex, but also arm him with as much knowledge on STDs and ways to protect himself should he decide not to follow your SAGE advice. (Heck, say that to him: Here is a book on human sexuality, STDs and ways to keep yourself safe. Read it. I will quiz you in a couple weeks on keeping yourself safe... of course, you'll have to go find a book on it. I have a college textbook titled "Human Sexuality" which is really, really good and highly informative)

I approach discussing sexuality with my kids in a more clinical manner, but always end the conversation with my OPINIONS about it ~ but my son is also only 9 and I don't bring it up unless he asks a direct question. Then I answer the question with facts, then address any additional questions, then give him my feelings/opinions on it. Seems to work for us now.

If they ask, they're old enough to know. Just my thoughts.

~phosphorescent

It's a tough thing, that is for sure. I have always talked very openly with my daughter about sex and waiting for the right time. She was going to wait until marriage until about a year ago when she fell in love at the ripe old age of almost 16.

The truth is wild, all you can do is counsel them as best as you can, do your part as a mother. After that, they will make their own decisions and you can only hope it will be a decision that won't have a huge impact on their lives.... like an incurable disease, or a baby.

I'm not a parent, so I probably should keep my trap shut, but hey, I've been a kid .....

Firstly, you gotta make clear that sexual feelings are normal and natural. Everybody's got them, from birth to death, and during their teen years, they've really, really, really got them.

Secondly, when matched with respect and humor and tenderness, sex is one of the most beautiful and incredible human experiences. And when matched with disrespect, callousness and greed, sex can be really ugly and dangerous. It's all in what we bring to it and what our partner brings to it.

Thirdly, we all make mistakes and we all sometimes do things we wish we hadn't, and we're all unsure sometimes, and we all get in over our head sometimes. Nobody knows it all and nobody ever will, even if they pretend too.

Fourthly, we love our kids under all circumstances, even imperfect ones and nothing they do will cause them to lose our love.

What we want is to support them in making good choices that bring them happiness, and avoiding bad choices that make them unhappy. We can tell them about our values and our experiences and things that have worked or not worked for us and we hope they will take our opinions respectfully and seriously as they are provided with love and concern.

But if there are places where our teens make decisions that may be different from our own, our top priority is their safety and their happiness and keeping their future bright and open to all the possibilities.

So if they get to a place where they are worried about something they have done or are thinking about doing is having a negative effect, we want to help and we can't do that if no one tells us what is going on.

So above all please ..... honesty.

That's what we want more than anything. There's nothing we won't help you with. Nothing at all. And there's nothing that will make us not love you anymore. Nothing at all.

It's hard to be a teenager. We know that. Do the best you can. We're here to help.

Everything DS said.

I was very direct with all my grown kids. My sons, I told many times, that when they looked at that really hot girl and thought about it, ask themselves if they really like her enough to spend the next 21 years of their lives having to at least interact with her, since that's approximately how long they'd be paying child support if need be. And I always stressed that a child is as much the responsibilty of the father as the mother.

I told them about all the STD's as needed (I worked in a Family Planning Clinic, so it was easy to bring it into conversations) I told them that nothing was totally successful at preventing pregnancy or disease, not condoms, not pills, everything had a small risk to it, and if they were going to take that risk, be prepared to live with the consequences. Although if they were to take that risk, please, to take as much care as possible.

They talked to me about everything, sometimes to the point of me squirming inside wishing they'd go talk to one of their friends out behind the barn, but I didn't let them see it. (I hope)

I learned, when they asked a question, to ask why they were asking before I freaked. Often their friends had asked them to ask me, and some of my son's female friends would call from college to ask me stuff. And sometimes it was just stuff they were curious about.

It's scary, but hopefully they can come to you and talk. You just do your best and keep your fingers crossed that things sink in.

I agree with most everything that has been said. All you can do is answer their questions honestly.

My son is a couple months away from 18 now, and he plans to wait until he is married. Could that change in the future, I would certainly imagine so, and I would be disappointed; however...

Gosh, I remember what that first love felt like, and how it was so easy to get caught up in those feelings. I know when I got pregnant with my son at 18, I certainly thought this was the love of my life and the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I have tried to really relay to my children the emotional aspects of sex....how it takes a relationship to a whole different level, etc. I have also tried to teach them what wonderful, special, precious people they are, and that the giving of themselves to another person should not be something they take lightly.

Having said all this, I keep a box of condoms in the bathroom on a shelf, left open, and have told them that should they choose to have sex before marriage, I at least expect them to be responsible and protect themselves. I know some people don't agree with that approach.....Im just not willing for one of them to risk their lives or an unplanned pregnancy because "well, we don't have a condom, this one time probably won't matter".

Raising teenagers is difficult. We can't really control them....so I think we just have to hope that we have taught them well, and that they will take everything we have tried to teach them, and make good healthy decisions for themselves.