TV Writer Looking For Answers

Hi There,

I am currently writing a "Sex in the City" style show and am writing an episode about dating older men. I have been reading many of your posts and have found them very helpful in gaining a new perspective on dating OMs. I want the episode to look at YW dating OM in a realistic and objective point of view. This said, I am not a YW dating an OM so I'd like to put some questions out there and appreciate any of your feedback.

A lot of people look at younger women who are with older men as little girls who didn't have good relationships with their fathers and are now looking for that with the older man. Did this cross your mind when you fell in love with an older man? Did people say this to you?

There is also the stereotype that you are looking for someone to take care of you. In the show I am writing, the woman is in her late thirties and dating a man who has retired. Does anyone have experience with this? Do you feel like you have to provide for him? Is there pressure to take time off work to travel and be with him?

Also, the character is dating a friends father and the friend does not approve because they are the same age. Does anyone have children who have threatened to stop speaking to you because of your relationship? Or friends who feel awkward because you are with their father?

Finally, Viagra. Does your OM need Viagra? How does this affect your lovemaking? Do you feel inadequate if after four hours he's still erect!? Do you find that you have a greater sex drive than your partner?

It is a comedic show so any funny stories that specifically pertain to being with an OM would be great.

Thanks so much for any feedback. I can only write from the perspective I know and right now, I'm the friend looking on. If I can get your perspective, than I can write a script that's not only funny, but also a conversation and chance for people to question what they think about YW/OM.

If the show goes to air I will let you know.

Thanks again and please know, I would never use anyone's names or stories verbatim. I'm just looking for an overview.

Well, we're a younger YW/OM couple. I'm 28, he's 44, so some things don't really apply, but from our experience:
A lot of people look at younger women who are with older men as little girls who didn't have good relationships with their fathers and are now looking for that with the older man. Did this cross your mind when you fell in love with an older man? Did people say this to you?
No, never really ran into this. My OM though, does not look his age at all. The only issue has been with people who know how old he is (ie his friends) when they first meet me. These guys tend to tease him about being a cradle robber - or congratulate him on his "catch". I tend to think this is pretty funny and don't take it seriously. I didn't question underlying psychological issues because I have never been attracted to older men, that is until I met him. We just clicked and I was astonished when I found out how old he was - took me a while to adjust to that. But, really we're just a pretty average couple....fairly boring!

The others don't apply....no caretaking, no children, no Viagra.

Good luck with your script! :)

Hello

I am 32 my OM is 53, we have been togher for over 2 years now.
I have a wonderful relationship with my OM. I have dated many men my own age & all them added together didn't treat me as well as my OM does. I never had such a wonderful relationship than I do now & I could never ever find a better one than I have now.

I have had a wonderful relationship with my father. I am very very close with my parents. We have such a close relationship, its pretty scary haha. They mean the world to me. I have always had a wonderful relationship with my father since as far back as I could remember . I have a FANTASTIC father & am not looking for that in my OM. So that comment, is not true & never even entered my mind. No, no one has ever said the father comment to me either.

I am not in this relationship for my OM to take care of me either & vise versa. We worked together & fell in love! And we are both happier than ever. I found a great relationship & REFUSE to let it go just because of a number.


And about Viagra, honestly, my OM did try it out of curiousity, but doesn't need it. Me being the one 20 years younger, u would think that I would have a higher sex drive than my OM, however I think my OM has a higher sex drive than I do. He could run me into the ground! hahah

Let me know if u have any other questions
I'd be glad to answer any that u may have

Did this cross your mind when you fell in love with an older man? Did people say this to you?

I've never had anyone mention that to me, and I've heard a fair number of objections and cautions about age gap relationships from friends and strangers. It's also not something I've ever worried about personally. (Occasionally I am disturbed by weird similarities between T and my father, such as the recently-discovered fact that they eat the same breakfast cereals. Since I just discovered that three years into our relationship, though, it's fair to say it didn't have much to do with why I started dating T. If I was going to date on the basis of cereal preference I'd pick someone who liked -my- cereals, anyway. Umm, sorry, tangent. . . .)

Questions two and three aren't really relevant, since we're a 20/30s couple. We've never used Viagra. If I have a higher sex drive than him, it's because I have a high sex drive, period, not because of the age gap.

Well, I am 43 and my guy is 62 and retired. Sure, the father thing has crossed my mind and has been said to me by others. I had a good relationship with my father as a child and as an adult. I am a divorced mom of 2 teens and definitely not looking for someone to take care of me (though as a father of 3 grown daughters, he sometimes tries). No pressure to take time off from work to travel with him - one daughter lives out of state and he goes several times a year to visit. Otherwise, he is busy and content enough to stick around home. My friends felt a little awkward at first, as well as his oldest who is 35, but everyone is coming around with time. As far as Viagra, absolutely not necessary. He is still ready and willing plenty for me. My sex life has definitely improved with him in my life. Much different than younger men - it's not just the destination for him, he enjoys the ride there. All in all, the best relationship (all around) of my life.

Thank you so much for your feedback. It's all incredibly insightful and will help to enrich and humanize the subject.

Your comments on how it isn't like finding a father because you've never dated older men before, being teased at being a "cradle robber", and noticing the similar taste in cereal, are all great!

Your willingness to share your stories is truly appreciated.

I wish you all the best in your relationships.

Well, I'm 35 and my husband is 53 - we started dating almost 4 years ago.

I did wonder about the father thing - I worried although no one ever said anything to me about it. It made me really examine my relationship with my father - who is a really wonderful person and a great dad. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my husband doesn't treat me the way my father treats me, he treats me the way my father treats my mother! That, I realized, was exactly what I was looking for. My mother can be very difficult, and my father is the most patient and supportive person to her - even during her craziest times. That was what I wanted - someone who would be loving and supportive when I have crazy times.

At the time we started dating, I was absolutely not looking for someone to take care of me financially or otherwise, but after we married, he allowed me to stop working full-time so that I can concentrate on my acting career - so he is mostly supporting me now. That was never a factor before we married, though. The idea is that he will support me now, and I can support him after he retires (hopefully with my acting, but we shall see...).

As far as sex goes, I do have a slightly higher sex drive than he does, but he has never needed any pharmeceutical "help". I think he has always been that way though - I don't think age is the only factor in it.

The only funny story I can think of is when he and I went to an outdoor concert to see a friend of mine play in a band. While we were there I ran into an acquaintance, and in the din of the music she yelled in my ear "Is this your father?" I was pretty mortified, but luckily he didn't hear it.

I will never forget when my boyfriend and I were at dinner, and he asked, "How old is your mom?" I replied, "She's 42." He started laughing, and was like, "Oh God.. I'm older than your mother." I'm 21, he's 47. My mother doesn't know, though she does suspect and has asked many times, "Are you SURE you're not dating him?" Yes, Mom. I'm sure.

Actually no, not really sure about that at all.. we're going on six months now and some of the happiest moments of my life have occurred in this time span. I've had a few friends who are somewhat supportive, but the second he and I have any kind of problems, it's always the same "Well he's too old for you anyway," "You can do better," "You really should think about finding someone your own age," etc. Most of my friends like him just fine, but they think I'm crazy. Oh well, right? If they only could see what I see.

As far as Viagra goes.. no. Never used it. He DOES have some samples of Cialis in his bathroom though, and he jokes all the time about trying it. I tell him no, I don't think I could handle that. I'd be walking funny for a week! He has the samples because he was having trouble getting it up (how else can I say it?) with his last girlfriend. He thought he was having problems, went to the doctor, got the samples, but soon after met me and never had a chance to use them... because with me, he doesn't have that problem. In fact, his sex drive is way higher than mine.

People always ask me if the age thing is an issue, and I always tell them the same thing: When I look at him, I don't see a number. I see a man who loves me and treats me better than anyone else ever has.

I hope that helps you,
Katie

Hi TV Writer,

First off, chuck the stereotypes. In this day an age we have to remember.... the world is changing! More younger women are becoming executives, directors, vice-presidents and presidents of their companies -- and it is happening younger and younger! To that effect, (and in my current case) sometimes we are making more money than our OM's! This is no longer the age of Betty Freidan!

As a successful young woman, I find it very difficult to relate to most men my age. I can't enjoy play-station, I'm not interested in getting drunk at the bars, I don't think partying is productive. I am involved in my career, volunteering at a hospice and with senior citizens, and bettering myself religiously and spiritually...not your typical mid-20s type, I know. But, that's not to say I wouldn't give another 20-something the chance...but I most certainly have not found one I am compatible with.

If I were you, I would play up the dramatic twist and make sure your "Sex in the City" character was a young, confident, successful, diva -- and not some dysfunctional female looking for a father figure! (How cliche!?!) How much more interesting to see her claiming her sexuality --her intelligence-- and over-powering some OMs.

As for me... I will be voting against a certain, clearly ignorant host, this year at the Emmys!

CR

Too bad your plot is already determined, because I've always felt my situation is a box office hit waiting to happen. It's full of real emotion, real conflict, real happiness and did I mention real conflict. How about when the OM falls for the YW, except that the YW's mom has already fallen for the OM. In real life, it's a vicious triangle with no rational way out.

Thanks for all of your continued messages. They have all been very helpful and I just wanted to reply to CR5127 's message in particular.

I have never intended to write the episode using stereotypes to guide my perception of the relationship, that is why I first came to this web site. I do, however, intend to address the stereotypes, as I believe that you can't move past them, until you have identified them. The character does question what she thinks other people will think, but she goes ahead with the relationship and things go well for the most part; but of course things aren't perfect or it wouldn't be realistic (or funny!).

This said, I did find it interesting that when talking about stereotypes you then used one yourself when describing 20 something men:

I can't enjoy play-station, I'm not interested in getting drunk at the bars, I don't think partying is productive.

I'm not trying to be defensive, I'm merely trying to highlight how engrained stereotypes are in our ways of thinking and thus would naturally come up; at least for my character, your experience may have been different.

Thanks for your message CR5127. I will definitely re-read the script with particular awareness of how stereotypes are dealt with.

I can only answer some of your question because I don't have experience with them all.
I am 36 now and my husband will be 56 in May. We have 8 beautiful children. I married my husband when I just turned 19 and he was 38 and we had our first child that same year.
I didn't plan on marrying an older man it''s just who I feel in love with. When we saw each other we were drawn to each other but, in my case it had nothing to do with me having a bad realtiosnhip with my father becuase i didn't. I had and have a great relationship with my father.
As far as finding a man who could take care of me. Yes, that was important but, I wasn't particularly looking for that. It certainly made our realtionship easier that he had his own house and he had a good job and he was stable.I was tired of playing games and my husband was way past that stage and thats one of the tings that attracted me to him. I believe that we really don't get to pick who we fall in love with and why should anybody deny their heart becuase of a number. We both wanted the same thing and when we got married we started to create or family without worrying about wh had a job and buying a house and all the other things that 2 young newlyweds just getting established in the world may run into. Iam a stay at home mom and my husband is the sole provider but, thats soemthin we duscussed and what we wanted. We believed that one of us should always be there to spend time with our children, I was lucky enough to have a husband that allowed me to do so.
We never talk about our ages. Iam a women and he is a man and we love and argue and have sex like any other man and woman. No differences except maybe our love for one another. we leads me into the last question Ican answer. My husband does not use viagra. his part works just fine without it.

So much of your question(s) have to do with the actual age difference.

Generally, there is a huge emotional/maturity gap from 20-28ish. After 29, I think most compatability issues smooth out quite a bit (again generally). But if you're writing about a 20 year old woman dating a 49ish man, then that's a whole different barrell of monkeys!

i'll give you an idea go find some wrestling tapes from the WWE and catch the ones from 2001 where Vince Mcmahon dates a young lady wrestler named Trish Stratus or back in 2003 where Al Wilson dates Dawn Marie and on their honeymoon Dawn and Al have too much fun and he "dies" in the bed theres your research :D