My parents have basically disowned me

Hello,
I'm new here but I've been reading for about six months. I'm a 36-year-old woman in love with a 21-year-old man. I've kept our relationship pretty quiet with my family (I'm an only child) but a few weeks ago I told my mother about it in the most innocent of terms.

In reality, I am engaged to my boyfriend, but I just told my mother that he and I are dating (knowing how she would react). Well, she reacted way worse than I ever could have imagined. She told me that I am a disgrace, she wants nothing to do with me, I've been nothing but a disappointment to her and my dad since I was born, etc., etc. This is the first time she's ever said anything like that to me. The worst part is, she never has taken any of it back and we haven't spoken since. (And I think I've been a pretty decent daughter, incidentally...)

I hate to have to choose between my only family I know and the man I love but I will. I was widowed when my first husband killed himself after a really unhappy marriage. When I met my boyfriend I was at the lowest point I ever could have imagined, yet he constantly helped me and built me up. He's so mature for his age; in fact, I don't even think about our age difference, unless I feel I'm having to justify it to someone. At any rate, our relationship is nine months' old now and we are in love.

Has anyone else been "disowned" like I have been? Did your family ever take you back? If not, did it really matter?

Thank you,
lavender

Lavender,

Has your mother met your boyfriend? If not, I'm not sure what her issue is...and you don't really explain it. You just told her you were dating a younger man and she reacted like this? Seems like there is something else going on with her....maybe she hasn't worked through your husband's suicide herself.

I'm glad your boyfriend is there for you. Is there any way you can get some counseling to help you? Did you after your husband died?

I don't think your boyfriend's age is anybody's business but the two of you. If you feel you have to "defend" it all the time, perhaps you should keep it a little quieter. I'm not saying there is anything at all to be ashamed of, but your age difference is not great enough to be considered truly odd. I dated a man for three years who was 27 years younger, and my family was supportive of me. But my parents are dead, so I'm talking about siblings and children. He never told his family because he didn't think his family could ever accept it, but with us it was a little more obvious how different our ages were.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I can't really give you any good advice because my family (apart from an occaisional and manageable snide remark in the beginning) have been pretty good about the whole thing. His family has been truly remarkable.

But I feel for you. I guess a couple of things come to mind. This is a first reaction. It's not necessarily the only or the final reaction. OK, she's shocked and she said some rotten things. When she calms down, there might be some space for some other kinds of thoughts to enter her mind.

When it comes to choosing - I don't think anyone should have to choose between the people they love. You're not choosing him over them, you're choosing to have them both in your life and I'd tell her that. She is the one choosing not to be in your life. And you hope she'll make another choice.

Try to keep the door open for a while, no matter how hurtful she is being, and hopefully it won't come to that. In the short run, if it's really about his age and not about who he is as a person, your happiness and how he treats you, then she's being unreasonable and acting in a toxic fashion.

And sometimes you have to stay away from people who aren't operating with your best interests at heart.

Hugs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I agree with DS...

Give her some time to adjust...I could never choose between my family and a b/f...I can't imagine how you must be feeling and how your mother could take this stand except that it is a shock to her and that eventually she will understand that she is turning her back on her only daughter.

All you can do is be strong, be patient, let her work it out in her mind. Be mindful and respectful and loving, as she is still mom, but continue to be happy within yourself as you know you are loved well by this ym.

Paris

Don't let anyone blackmail you with the "me or them" ultimatum...especially a parent. You don't owe them fidelity, just respect and honesty. I'm sorry this happened to you. Your mom overreacted and I'm sure she is sorry she said all those things to you. Was she the type of mom who was always worried about what other people said about your family? The OW/YM relationship seems to set people off in a bad way for some unknown reason. Make your statements about your life. YOU TELL HER THE WAY IT IS FOR YOU. Then back down and see what she says or does. I know that I would not let my family dictate who I saw. I'm an adult. I'm fortunate that they respect me enough to let me date whomever I choose, without having a fit over it. I hope your mom will not let too much time go by without apologizing to you for having been so cruel.

You're mother's reaction seems way over the top to me. What do you think is causing her to react this way? Obviously, she has issues. Do you have any insight into them that you want to share with us?

As far as making a decision, you need to tell your mother the whole truth about your situation. Try to talk to her about your happiness and that if she wants to be a part of your life, then she has to accept that you are an adult and can make these types of decisions. Those are really on the possible terms.

I had to do something similar with my parents not long ago. I grew up very neglected emotionally and have discovered since then it is a source of a lot of problems I have with depression. I told them in no uncertain terms what my life had become and how I was working through it. If they wanted to go on living in their little emotional bubbles, that was fine with me, but they would have to do it without me. I was fortunate in that they decided to reach out to me, work out some emotional issues, and even went to see a therapist.

I can't promise that your situation will have a similar positive outcome, but in any event you will have the knowledge and satisfaction in knowing that you did everything that you could to improve the situation. Do not let your mother's bitterness (?) cloud the issue. You have your own life to live. If you have a chance for happiness I say grab on and hold on tight with BOTH hands.

David, who is Angel's Bear

in the healthiest of families, where love is secure and personal identity and freedom are encouraged, mothers are the one that seem to be concerned and hesitant about an age-gap relationship. I've taken initiative to talk to my mum about partnership and the only comment I get is always related to her and what she thinks, it never occurs to her what could be good for me. My mum was adopted and had at an early stage in life difficulties to relate to her step-mum and it seem to have given her difficulties in relate to her own daughters. I’ve tried to understand this all my life but nowadays I can feel sick and tired of always trying to understand her and her history and never get any responses back or signs that she is trying to understand me.

Anyhow it's been said that to some extent every family has some level of dysfunction. Every family has different issues with which the members must cope. My mother likes to interfere and put herself in focus. My mother wants to have control and have a great facade of power buy is also a great actor of the role of victim. If I where to introduce a new male partner I really hesitate to introduce him for my family not only because of my mother but because of the whole situation of my family and our pattern to behave when we meet.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometime family situations are so sensible and complicated that the best would be to handle family matters on your own? Perhaps you don’t need to show your new boyfriend or even discuss him with your mother? Perhaps you need to protect yourself and when it comes to family members only discuss and share good things in the relationship. Don’t let family members let their fear or disapproval taint your affection for your YM. Live your life and take heart!

a disgrace??? sorry but that thinking kept alot of screwed up behavior behind closed doors in yesteryear.

the world is not a perfect place with perfect people and certainly can handle your relationship.

at a certain point it is time to grow up, you are not making the choice between your family and him, they are.

the fact is, if they do disown you because of him, it is sad, but they have issues. if they do calm down and accept him, then it is just a rough spot that all families go thru, and you will get past it, it is rough, i remember..... however, if i had turned my back on the man that is now my husband i would have lost out on the greatest love affair i have ever known.

stick to your guns, you owe no explanations as to why you fell in love, you just did.

I Can totally relate. I 'm sorry your mother feels that way. Why is it that parent's and families are never happy with these types of relationships, My mother and brother and father were not supportive. My grandparents and sister were. In fact i remember trying to get my mom to meet my now ex ow and she always refused. And in fact during the time i was seeing my now ex she treated me like i was a red headed step child(not to insult any that might be on this board)i mean it was real bad snide comments and all. My one grndma told me one day my mom used to go to her house and ***** about me and my ex and my granpa told her (my mom) to shut up . That's how bad it was and it was alway like that. I hated my mom during that time and if she ever felt like that when i have that special someone well my mom already has made my decision for me.

Hello,
My parents accept, but aren't to fond of me dating older women either. If your parents truely cared about your well-being and feelings they would accept it and allow you to do whatever it takes to make yourself happy disregarding self-harm or self-infliction such as drugs. Society in general is still catching up with older women and younger male relationships. It was more common for older men to date younger women because they were the financial supporters, now however, women are filling the gap and over time it will be more common and there won't be any of this fuss about it. Just like profanity was not used on t.v. years ago, things change, time changes everything. Avoiding your parents will only fuel the fire more, yet confronting them may also anger them more. I believe your family will come to support you no matter what eventually. Words can be harsh sometimes, but they will go away and be forgotten with time. I believe every man and woman who are adults should have the right to chose each other. A man works with a woman regardless, because all the parts are there physically. If your mother is still angry wait a little and then call her about something else and tell her you were shocked by her reaction and just try to slowly build communication up. You may need your family one day. My parents have said a few words to me before but they have always been there for me. Their words were similar to yours, but they calm down and eventually we build communication up. The last case scenario is to abandon your family, if your family is that arrogant they will let that happen, if they love you, they will work with you. Later

She told me that I am a disgrace, she wants nothing to do with me, I've been nothing but a disappointment to her and my dad since I was born, etc Is this her common response to your life or is this new behavior? It makes me wonder if something might be medically wrong with her.

If she has always been toxic, how have you handled her in the past? For some reason, I had a hard time defending myself with my Dad after I was grown. I would let him get away with comments that were negative. I stepped up and finally told him how he was affecting me. That I need a Father that would either shutup or do A, B, C and support me. He got mad and left the room. But you know what.... I got the Dad that I needed after that.

Sometimes you have to tell your parents what YOU want from them. The best way to honor your parents is to be all you are created and endeavor to be. Unfortunately, that is not always the picture that the parents have of their children... ;)

I appreciate what everyone said in response to my post. (I feel like an idiot here - I don't know how to reply to individual posts, but I'll probably figure it out one of these days).

I really don't know what set my mother off on her tirade, or why I haven't spoken to her since. My dad has emailed me but that's it.

My BF is finishing his degree in another state but he's coming back here when he's done next year. I'm going down to visit him next Sunday and I can't wait.

Someone asked me if I was in counseling; yes, I am and I'm seeing her next Wednesday (she's been out of the country for a few weeks).

I think a lot of this comes down to my mother's own insecurities, to be honest. The more I think about it, the more I realized how much she mentioned herself and her own shame throughout the conversation. "How can I tell my friends this?" and that kind of stuff.

I'm just taking this one step at a time for now. I have been a member here since September and have been reading but never posted until now. Thanks again, you're all very sweet.

lavender, it may be just the generational difference - hers vs yours- that is causing the problems. My grandmother had a hissy fit when my mom divorced my dad and remarried, it just wasn't done. She had some really harsh words to say, but in the end it was my mom who took care of her!

I have spoken to my mom in general terms about ym/ow...I am not seeing anyone yet but have been approached on line by more than a couple of y/m... I' m not real sure what she thinks about the possiblity of me and a y/m, but she has time to think about it.

Perhaps your mom just needs time to think about it......don't push it....just act natural.....perhaps your dad can be your ally.

It's been several weeks now and still no word from my mom :confused: - but I've been able to talk to my dad a little bit. He seems to be relatively normal about the whole thing.

I had a hard time hearing the terrible things she said to me. I just hope that I can have some kind of civil relationship with her in the future. I feel she owes me an apology, but I am not holding my breath about that.

I agree with you that it could be generational with her - definitely. She's also the type to worry "what will the neighbors think?" and stuff like that.

Thank you so much for your input. :)

Well, if its any consolation, you're not entirely alone... my mother hasn't disowned me, but her entire tirade of objections to Litical was based on how "others" would perceive us and how my extended family would feel and how people will "Talk" about me behind my back.

You know what? People talk about you behind your back no matter WHAT you do. If you're the most boring simpleton on earth living life by the book, people will talk about how you're a boring simpleton who lives life by the book and never does anything interesting. :rolleyes:

I would rather my life be a curious oddity that makes people go :eek: :cool: than a boring simpleton anyday. LOL!

I would say that if something like you dating a guy in his 20s is enough to make your mother disown you, your mother has OTHER problems that have nothing to do with your relationship with you YM and they are HERS to own, not yours.

Yes, it hurts to think you cannot confide in her... but... but... you can't confide in her ANYWAY. She's going to judge you based on anything you do and the likelihood of you ever pleasing someone like this is... oh... NIL.

Go love up your guy and revel in your happiness and let negative minded people go wallow in their own negativity.

~phosphorescent

Parents have been "disowning" their children for decades. My parents disowned my brother when he announced he was going to marry his first wife- they were opposed to her religion. That lasted about 6 months and after they saw how dedicated, (and determined), they were to be together and get married regardless, my parents relented and accepted the marriage and embraced my brother back into the family. It was a tumultuous time for our family and I can't recall a more unhappy time for us, but we overcame.

I think your parents will too.

Just stand by what you believe is to be best for your life. If your parents don't accept that, then that is their loss. Being an only child, I imagine they are quite protective of you, (especially after the circumstance of your first husband's passing). I imagine they are fearful you would be hurt being with a YM and a parent's main worry is the physical and emotional well being of their children. Their anger stems from their fear, (possibly).

Have you been overly dependent on them for physical support or even emotional? If so , they may feel they have a right to dictate certain areas of your life. If that is not the case, then carry on as you are and in time, they will see the quality of your relationship with this YM and also your happiness, which is paramount to parents- they only want you happy and secure.

Whatever you do, as time evolves, don't ever complain or indulge any negative happenings to your parents in regard to you and your YM. They can only gauge the quality of your relationship by what they see and what you tell him.
Don't gripe about the small stuff to them, as it could turn into some big stupid stuff where you end up having to defend the relationship.

Good luck to you!

You really hit the nail on the head for me. I was dreading telling my mom about this because I knew she would be judgmental - what I didn't expect was the barrage of criticism about other aspects of my life, but you know, you're right, I can't confide in her and that's why I don't.

Lucky for me, I'm off to see my love on Sunday - we'll have a whole week together, more or less uninterrupted, as we're both on vacation. He's the most amazing person I've ever had the honor to know and I love him very much. He puts up with me and still loves me and that's saying a lot - LOL. ;)

Thanks again for this great message. I really appreciate it.

Lavender