Am I Insecure?

HI THERE EVERYONE.. IM NEW HERE IM 40 AND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A 23 YEAR OLD GUY.. WEVE BEEN TOGETHER 7 MONTHS NOW AND ALL IS GOING WELL... I JUST WANTED TO ASK ANYONE , I FIND MYSELF GETTING PARANOID AT TIMES .. I DUNNO IS THIS NORMAL? AM I INSECURE? I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE LOVES ME, I JUST GET SCARED MY INSECURITY WILL DRIVE A WEDGE BETWEEN US? ANY ADVICE FROM ANYONE WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED...

HI NASSA


WELL, I GUESS I HAVE TO ASK.......

DO YOU KNOW THE EXACT REASONS THAT YOU FEEL INSECURE/PARANOID...?

COULD YOU LIST THEM, THEN PERHAPS WE COULD BREAK THEM DOWN, AND GET RID OF THEM.....:)TINKA

Your reaction seems almost classic when an OW begins a relationshp with a YM, especially when it becomes a serious one.

If there is no reason to be insecure other than the fact that it is an agegap relationship, it is best to do your best to over-ride those feelings, or they can become self-fullfilling prophecies. Whether it is the usual woman's fears about weight, etc.....the more we tell our S.O. about these things, the more he begins to think there is a problem.

If the relationship is going well, but you are insecure, vent here. If there are things bothering you, of course talk to him. But, the YM do get frustrated if we question their wisdom in choosing us.

If you're insecure about whether the relationship will continue when you get older, the truth is that even in traditional relationships no one ever has the answers to that. Age gap relationships just see this more clearly than people in traditional relationships. No one can guarantee any relationship. If it's not broken, leave it alone and enjoy......

thanx softsong for the reply it made a lot of sense to me.. you are right i have a habit of questioning y he chose me over younger women and he tends to get a little frustrated... i think cause i was in a marriage for 20 years with a guy of my same age, its just a lil strange being in this whole new relationship...i do think alot about when i get older if we will continue or not, he says he will never leave me and he loves me so much and we are going to do so much together... but still at the back of my mind im insecure about all this as i dunno if i could bare going through another breakup... i guess i should just put all the insecurities out of my mind and get on with life and make the most of what we have? when we go out i c people staring at us, he dont care in town he holds hands puts his arm around me and all i guess people stare at us cause they jelous....lol this is the first time i have talked to anyone about it and i dont even know if what im saying is making any sense.. i feel like im just blabbing but it does feel good to get some of this of me chest

thanx tinkerbell... well silly things really like will he leave me, when he comments on younger gals looking good, if hes a hour or so late me mind goes into overtime where is he whats he doing... just normal things i guess..

Look, it doesnt sound that bad you know Nassa....

It seems that he does genuinly want to be with you, and publically too.....This is a good sign...

Try not to worry too much.......And try and be cofident, even if you don't feel it.....Just act it.....Doubts are a normal part of the beginning of something new.......I guess also more so with an age-gap related thing.....However, here is something I learned about being confident from one of MY boyfriends....

I was seeing this guy......Well, I guess he was OK looking, but I wouldn't have really gone out of my way to say so.....But HIM, well he went on about how fantastic, good looking, nice body(yeah he did have one!!!), how handsom, etc etc etc.....All the time.....And you know what!!!....By the end of it......Even I was convinced......He made me believe he WAS goodlooking, and I left that relationship totally convinced that he was.....

What does that tell you???.....Well, I know what it told me.....Never have doubts about yourself (the other person may start to as well)......Never think you are not, good, pretty, smart, young enough (the other person may too)......Its all about you and how you feel about yourself........He is with you for a 'reason'....Keep focusing on this 'reason'.......Forget about all the other younger girls He is with YOU, not them.....Get up every morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself how fantastic and beautiful you are and really really mean it......EVen if you don't feel it......Combine that with telling HIM now and again (not every day!!!) how fantastic and beautiful you think you are......And you have the start of your journey to becoming secure and unparanoid......:)

Ok...but if this guy is making appreciative comments about other women, and is an hour late at times? IMO, both of those are things HE is doing to fuel insecurity. Not good.

Nassa, there are those who may think I'm making too big of a deal about these things - but if they are a constant with him, then no WONDER you're insecure. You deserve better treatment. There is *no way* you should be kept waiting up to an hour unless there is an emergency - but if this is a habit with him then look out, he is not respecting you. I, for one, won't wait over a half hour for someone who's chronically late. And I would never put up with chronic lateness from a partner.

And the thing where guys tell their women how cute other women are - IMO that is very rude behavior. Some women don't mind that, some women even have a game of pointing out women for their man to check out - but if that is not your way, then he's being quite inconsiderate. (What us UP with that, why is that behavior so common? I don't get it. Glad my guy doesn't do that.)

So...you have a combo of things to deal with Nassa. Your own set of insecurities may be more than are justified in general, but clearly at least a little of it -is- justified. There is some logic in the fact that he's chosen someone who has insecurities. You will at least need to communicate to him that certain behaviors of his are fueling this, by letting him know how certain things make you feel.

I so agree with you, Goldie... I think you are on.

The other thing is when you say still at the back of my mind im insecure about all this as i dunno if i could bare going through another breakup you are selling yourself short. I believe we should always be ready to let go if the circumstances warrant it. After all, being a wonderful gal, why would you even want someone who did not affirm your greatness? So please try to lose the "less than" and "I couldn't take it" thinking.

Be in the relationship ONLY because you add to each others life. If that is not the case, then you are selling yourself & soul too cheaply.

Nassa......

Tell us?

What kind of comments does he make about other youngsters, and how often.....?

And.....Is he just 'late' type of person?.....Or does he have a habit of being late to meet you?......What excuses does he make and does he seem genuinly sorry...?

well first of all thanx for all the advice guys.. i really appreciate it.. having moved from my home town of 20 years to the big city i live in now i know only 3 people here, my brother his wife and my partner... so it is really good to be able to vent my feelings here and be heard and have people reply thanx a lot..... well as for your questions tinkerbell, the kind of comments he makes realting to gals aint so much as shes hot shes got a good body type of stuff he appreciates fashoin and clothing so when he says she looks good he means at her clothes she wears... i just found that out after talking to him like someone said talk to him so i did...and as for being late well yeah he does apologise and he dont do it to often but when he is late then my mind goes racing. i was thinking today maybe cause my marriage of 20 years was a pretty bad one my ex always put me down let me down was inconsiderate in all ways only thought about himself, and abusive... that maybe this relationship im in now i have bought the insecurites of my marriage into this relationship thinking he is gonna be the same as my husband although he is nothing like him i guess at the end of the day im scared and i need to get over that and get on with thinking positive and realise this guy does love me for me and is nothing like my ex? lol sorry guys if it dont make sense i have a habit of when i type anything on my mind goes down and its the first time in a long time ive had other adults to talk to about this since my breakup with me husband... so once agoing guys if this makes any sense to you thanx for taking time to read this and replying..

It's hard to have open eyes and a trusting heart at the same time, isn't it?

Do think positive, but don't let that cause you to put up with things you don't like or fail to have dialogue when things seem worth talking about.

He deserves a chance, everybody does. He doesn't deserve 10,000 chances. And in your heart, you know the difference.

By all means, trust him and love him and don't saddle him with the grief caused by your ex. But respect him enough and love him enough to expect that you'll talk about things honestly and that he'll treat you in ways that make you feel good (the vast majority of the time).

Yeah, it's a balancing act. Just strive to keep the pendulum in the middle between suspicion and blind trust at the good place in between.

And welcome!

THANX DESERT... YEAH THATS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE TO DO AND I HAVE TO STOP COMPARING HIM TO MY EX I GUESS AND I DO LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND RESPECT HIM... ANYWAY THANX GUYS FOR THE REPLIES IM OF TO WORK THE GRAVE YARD SHIFT FOR NEXT 5 DAYS SO TO ALL MEMBERS HAVE A GOOD WEEK AND TAKE CARE ALL......