Something Developing with YM

I've been reading some of the threads on this site for several weeks and have finally registered as a user today. The OW/YM world is new to me, but I've really enjoyed reading everyone's exchanges so far.

My situation is that I'm a single 38 year old female lawyer working in Europe. For quite a few years I've focused on my job in a big law firm 12 hours a day and have a very successful career, and over recent years have also devoted the little spare time I do have to running a non-profit organisation on the side, which has been very rewarding. I haven't been in a relationship for a long time, but haven't consciously felt that my life was really missing anything, because every day has been packed full of things I've for the most part really enjoyed, and I have good friends and very supportive family whom I really connect with.

After having to work in another office of the law firm for several months at the end of 2004, I came home in the New Year determined to get myself into shape (had put on a few kgs gradually over the last few years) and get a bit more balance in my life. So in the first week of January I went back to the gym I had joined two and half years before but had only been to once since, and got a personal trainer, and cut out all the garbage in my diet.

The personal trainer I was randomly assigned is a really funny and kind guy. I was pretty intimidated at first because he's very tall and mega-fit and I felt like a really unfit shorty next to him and wondered if I'd be able to keep up in the training sessions. I've always been completely useless at sports and it's definitely not my strong point. I also wondered whether I should have asked for a woman trainer, as I had had a woman before and it had worked out well.

Anyway, all my fears were unfounded because he has turned out to be very supportive and encouraging and is absolutely excellent at his job, which he clearly thoroughly enjoys. He's also a trained physiotherapist and is trying to sort out an RSI problem I have with my computer mouse arm at the end of every session. Although I'm usually gasping for breath for most of the training, during the physio sessions at the end we have started to talk about lots of different things and a comfortable feeling has developed. I find him quite funny, and he has commented that it's nice for him to have someone that laughs at his jokes.

My dilemma is that I like him more and more all the time. It was pretty clear that he was a bit younger than me, although I was surprised when I found out last week that he's 26, because I'd estimated him more like 32-ish. I probably look more like early 30s myself, than 38. When the subject of age came up, he prefaced it by saying "We've never talked about our ages" as though he had been wondering nonetheless, and after hearing my age immediately and very dogmatically said that in his view, age was "absolutely irrelevant".

We have training sessions two or three times a week. I've lost 7 kg in 8 weeks, and am feeling much better altogether physically due to change of diet, the training sessions and my own workouts in between. Still a way to go though, to be where I want to be. I'm looking at this get back into shape thing as a year-long project at this stage. YM has said that he'll "be there" and seems keen to see it through with me. He's said that if I feel tempted to eat chocolate I should call him and he'll talk me out of it!

For the last few weeks the training sessions have been at my house, as we worked out that with the overheads at the gym, I could pay less and he could earn more that way. Plus he only lives about 10 mins away. The getting-to-know you thing is continuing (everything is still entirely innocent!) and I do sense that he wants to share quite a few things with me, and I have the same feeling myself.

I'm concerned because we are in a personal trainer/client relationship and I wonder if it's appropriate or even possible to go beyond that. I guess I'm a good client for him in the sense that I'm consistent and we have frequent sessions and I'm quite flexible about the schedule. And he's a good trainer for me because he's keeping me motivated and keeps on challenging me to do that little bit extra each time. I wouldn't want to throw a spanner in the works on that front.

On the other hand, because of quite a few things over the last few weeks, I'm fairly sure that he likes me as more than just a client, although of course I might be barking up the wrong tree altogether. If I were to say something and he in fact doesn't feel the same way, then it might put him in a pretty difficult situation, embarrass us both, and it would be hard to keep going with the personal training sessions afterwards.

So my instinct tells me just to take it slowly at the moment and to enjoy the trainings for what they are, as well as a chance to get to know him bit by bit over time, and to hope that things will resolve themselves one way or the other eventually.

People reading this probably think I'm enormously inept and pathetic, but I'd be interested to hear what you all think. Part of what floors me about all this is the 12 year age difference, but much more than that, I just feel so enormously surprised by what seems to be happening.

Margaret

Hi Margaret, and welcome to Ageless!!!

No, no one is going to think you are pathetic or anything else!!! :) It sounds like you have a very good handle on the situation, and you're aware of the risks of saying something to him.

To give my opinion, I wouldn't say or do anything just yet. Well, ok, a little flirting never hurt! ;) But seriously, a strong foundation of friendship is always a good thing, so it can't do any harm to keep things platonic for now.

At the same time, I know that feeling of dying to find out if he feels the same way!! If the suspense is unbearable, what about hinting and trying subtley to find out if he is interested?

Keep us posted on how it goes!

:)

There is nothing unethical in your feelings / desires.

The best way to handle a temptation is to yield to it- just hold him tenderly and give a lingering hug, Margaret.

he and U both will feel a whole lot better! :p

I'm going to move this post over to relationship support, and I will send the OP a PM so that she will know where it went!

Welcome to Ageless!

Welcome Margaret. I think that the best way is to just to continue to take things slowly and see what happens and develops naturally. It's only been a few weeks. If he has a sincere interest in you, then I would think it would become more obvious over time.

About the 12 year age gap... that's really not a large age gap compared to some on this site. I am 18 years older than my fiance and there are even larger gaps on this site. My own brother is 12 years younger than his wife of the past 20+ years. Age truly is just a number when you love each other.

I wish you all the best and hope that you'll come back and give us an update.

I don't know why, but this guy bothers me. Part of it is because he wanted to move the sessions to your home. This is very rude to his employer and they probably would not like it if they knew that he was doing this. So, to me, the guy may be dishonest.

Also, even though he is younger than you, he is in a position of authority, so to speak. It is not uncommon for us to get crushes on our teachers, doctors, bosses, etc. If you were to date him and it did not work out, would you miss his being your trainer. Is it worth the risk?

OK... here is what I would do. See if he wants to meet for coffee? and get to know him as a person first. If you get that he isn't a "sleep with every client" type of guy and the relationship becomes romantic, then more power to you.

What I WOULD NOT DO, is start flirting at your home and encourage kissing, etc. there at your home. Do the flirting at the coffee shop. You sound like a great woman and I don't want you to be unneccesarily hurt.

Welcome Margaret - however you sort out the other issues, be assured that the age gap itself is no big deal. So, you can put anxiety about that aside and focus on the rest.

When we first realize these age gaps are even possible, it is a bit of a surprise, but most of us get used to it pretty fast. ;)

It was finally nice to see someone else from Europe.

Good luck to you :)

Working out with people, in your home no less, can be very sexy. And I'm the last person in the world to say you shouldn't have a fling if you want to. But I'm pretty sure that a warm hug mid-session will result in exactly that. And if that's what you want, I don't see anything wrong with laying it on the line and see of he agrees. He's a big boy.

But if it's about who he is, then you need to do more than sweat and flirt together. You need to form a friendship. And that will involve some time and doing some things together other than working out.

So give some thought as to what you really want out of this, and then you can gracefully open a line and see if he takes you up on it.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and comments. Yellowrose and Steffie have certainly given me food for thought! I will take things very cautiously, make no first moves, and for the moment concentrate on the original goal here - getting fitter!

I don't think that YM is flirting for the sake of it, just to keep me as a client, but I can't be objectively sure. I have no idea whether he is looking for a purely sexual relationship or whether he would like something more, even if he is "interested", which I don't know anyway. So caution is by far the best approach.

It may be that over time as I learn more about him I either realise that he's not someone I'd like to pursue something with after all, or the opposite. It may be best in the long run to go back to the gym where I'm a member and get another personal trainer. I'm taking a holiday in the US from late April to mid May and that might provide an opportunity for a change of trainer if need be at that time.

One thing which worries me is that YM is totally overcommitted, work-wise, and it's getting harder and harder to get the work-out times I want and three rather than two sessions a week. He tends to forget what he's got on, not always writing it down, and this sometimes results in last-minute schedule shuffling which I'm not thrilled about (e.g. this happened last night for our session planned for this morning). It's his first year out of college, so he's trying to establish a physio practice in rooms at two locations and build up clients for personal training and work at the gym for the hours they want him to do, and coach and play in a basketball team, and obviously he doesn't want to turn away work.

On the other hand, as I know from working 12 hours a day in a major law firm, you have to be super-organised to have a very busy schedule and keep everyone happy. The demands my career put on me are a large part of the reason why I haven't been in a relationship for a long time. YM has twice made the comment to me that his schedule "is really crazy, and I don't even have a girlfriend at the moment, imagine if that also had to be factored in!". Not sure whether or how I'm supposed to respond to that so I just haven't responded.

He's working seven days a week and is just starting to realise that he needs to take the odd day off to catch up with himself and that the sort of program he has at the moment isn't sustainable. He has quite a bit of "sorting out" to do as he launches his career and that may be a reason why it's not the right time for him to have a relationship right now.

I will post further when there is more to report.

Margaret

I think your situation is classic. Please, let me explain. First, you say that you have not had a relationship for a long time. And then this man comes into your life and pays all kinds of attention to your needs. I think any woman would fall for that during a dating dry spell!

Your question now, and I'm thinking I may just agree with yellowrose on this one, is where do you go from here. Ethicswise, I think you are safe. I don't believe it's like being a doc or a lawyer in the US, where any kind of sexual contact with a client can cost them their license. Perhaps you could initiate a conversation about this topic? It would give you an excellent idea of how he is thinking. Maybe you could ask him to dinner?
Ali

(Steffie.....Im amazed at that story.....How annoying!!!)

I had a crush on MY personal trainer and there was no 'reason' in the world why he and I couldn't be together......However.....Later down the track.....I started to find out things about him, for one....(do I have to say this again!!!)....He takes Steroids.....That was a 'real' TURNOFF for me.....And, there was other stuff, which has now led me down the track of still thinking he is cute and everything.....But not being interested anymore....

I was the same as you though......ALL the signs pointed to him being interested in me.......He even charged me less than half of what he normally charges his other clients....And, hed ask me to have dinner with him after training, most times......Plus he paid for dinner every time...

He trained me so efficiently (hes a very good trainer)....That I no no-longer need him and can train by myself.....

I could ask him ask him what he thinks of this story and see what he says.....Not mentioning any names, and just saying 'a friend of mine'......Let me know if you want me to???.....It would be interesting to see what he says, and coming from the other side of things.....

Nevertheless......It seems like you have almost established some kind of conclusion anyway.....As he seems quite busy, and has made this clear to you, not only with his actions, but verbally.....:)Tinka

It will be interesting to see what becomes of this situation.....!!

Thanks to legallyblonde and Tinkabell for their most recent comments.

I had a training session this morning with YM before work and I tried to communicate very clearly but in the nicest possible way that I really don't want to be messed about on scheduling of sessions. I think the message got through. He said "I won't disappoint you". He's agreed we can have regular days and times. But then on opening up his diary some of the days and times we agreed in theory were already gone for this week. We've found a compromise for this week but I'm going to have to reinforce the point that I don't want to be shunted around once we've agreed on times. If it drifts to just one session a week, not the three I wanted originally, then it's going to be hard to keep on making progress with weight loss and shaping up.

On the romantic front, I suspect I may be naturally going off him as I gradually learn more about him. The scheduling issue is kind of annoying in itself - it's just not professional and I really wish the guy would just get his act together. Perhaps I take these sorts of details too seriously, being a lawyer. I'm probably altogether a far too serious person for my own good.

This morning there were many comments about the fact that he thought I had lost more weight since our last session a week ago (which I haven't - I was just on a ski trip for three days during which I over-indulged terribly during apres ski), that I was really improving in all the exercises, etc. Too many comments actually - so that I had to wonder whether they could be genuine.

YM has given me the name and number of one of the osteopaths that belongs to the practice where he has his physiotherapy practice. Since my locked shoulder problem still isn't really solved, despite YM doing physio on my arm at the end of every session, we've agreed that the osteo should check it out. YM said this morning that he wants to be there when I have the appointment with the osteo. My response was that if that were the case then it would probably be impossible to find a time that suits all three parties!

We shall see. I sense myself drawing back on a personal level, mainly because I don't want to be in a situation where I end up getting hurt. I am sure that he likes me, but the odds are most probably that he "likes me" just as a person, as a client, and not in a special way.

Margaret