Is this cheating? I think so but input nice

Is it cheating if you are in a long distance relationship and your significant other has a one night cyber stand? I know it sounds terribly silly but it has happened in my relationship and while yes it broke my heart I am not ready to dump him over it.

What is the general consensus on this? I am kind of confused if this is technically cheating? The lying is what really is under my skin the most.

For the record I am 39 and my partner is 23, hes in NJ and im in CA. He is coming out April 7th for an indefinate stay because when I found out about the cyber thing I decided at that point I could no longer continue in a long distance relationship and rather than lose me he wants to make the move even if its a temp move (we have never spent more than 4 weeks together so we dont truly know yet what sort of compatibility issues we might face thats why I say might be temporary).

The cheating occured with somone we play an online game with who he was friends with for a very long time online and I guess one night it went past the line, I found out (As I told him, I am NOT dumb) and confronted him, he admitted it, and now we are moving past it.

I just wanted to know everyones input, I dont come to the forums too often but I value the advice given here even if it does not agree with my views.

I blame the distance and lack of a sex life between us for this and that is why I wanted to continue with him and see how we do in a close proximity relationship.

Anyway, thanks for the input in advance, I was ok with the long distance until this. I guess I should add he has serious insomnia and this happened one night when he could not sleep. :/ :(
Heather

Uhhhh do you mean he cheated online like cyber-sex talk on an IM or webcam? Or they met one night IRL and made sweet love?!! :eek: :confused: :D

lol, cyber sex. Sorry was trying to be tactful but yea, just cyber sex

Hmmmm OK I don't know if I'd completely construe that as cheating? Flirting? Yes! But not really cheating. I'd say at his age it was a bad call and a sign of immaturity. Whack his pee pee & make him scrub your toilet in a baby diaper! :p ;)

P.S. How did you find out?

lol Uh no Im not gonna do that but I did give him some choices and they were made and thats why he is coming out.

I found out because we all play this game together (really fun by the way!) and when we would go do things in their they would flirt. YOu say how do you flirt in a game well you type /flirt or you make cute little quips or whatever, kind of like a chat room I guess. Well they were doing it a lot and I started to tell him it bothered me and he started telling me I was just jealous (yea yea thats always how it goes :P)

I have his email password, he gave it to me, I have never used it in 2 years. I used it when I finally got too suspicoius and sure enough there was an email in there something telling her what time he would be online.

I confronted him, he admitted it, he cried, I cried, were ok now but Im wondering if it was even cheating . Hes really beating himself up over it.

Thanks for the input

10-4 let's see some more responses now!

This is a touchy situation, but for me, if you're in a serious online relationship, he's cheating. To me a serious online relationship is just like a real life relationship but you have distance and other differences. But the one on one relationship is just that one on one.

Plus he's flirting right in front of your face.
I think there are enough trust issues and stresses when dealing with online relationships as is. Why is he bringing more to the table ??

This would make me wonder what his behavior will be like when you're together.
Will he flirt in front of your face in real life?

Plus you're saying that he did this because of the lack of sex. I dont buy that one. There is self-pleasure and whats wrong with cyber sex with you? Are you making excuses for his behavior?

I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks Miss B, I dont know if I am or not actually :/ (making excuses)

Wish I did.

I just know that Im not willing to continue in a long distance relationship anymore because of it . Weve been together over 2 years so I want to see if this sort of thing continues in close proximity. Im willing to take the risk, but I do see what your saying it has occured to me. I guess eyes wide open is the best way.

:(

I know he hates himself for it. I know it was a wake up call for me as to our relationship and for my own behavior the last 6 months (ive been pretty severely depressed and pushing him away)

I dont know, I guess Im willing to see but I really do appreciate the diff. views.

edit: I wanted to add we have met twice, for 3 to 4 weeks each time and that the first time was wonderful, second time I was a little standoffish due to just having sold a business and feeling wiped out over it , I basically ignored him his whole visit, not only sexually but in all ways, I was not nice actually. I dont say this is my fault , I know its not, I am saying I have been really unavailable to him for quite a while .

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, insecure, jealous, envious or anything like unto it, than it would be considered cheating. Cheating hurts you where your self worth sits and it takes your integrity and tells you you're not worth being with, thinking of, respecting, loving, nurturing or holding in high esteem. Do you feel any of those things?

It all depends on how you feel really. Some people consider it cheating, others do not. Distance, well heck, one really doesn't know what our partners are doing when we're together, much less across the country, but if he is really remorseful over it...then I would think at this time, sort it out in your mind and find a way to forgive him and move on, I don't think this is something to break up over, but keep a mental note that this has happen and you need to be aware of it for future reference.

Paris

Man, this pushes buttons for me as I had a boyfriend do the same thing. Cheating is doing something that violates the trust of the relationship. He put his sexual energy toward another woman. Would he care if you did the same? Probably yes!

In my opinion YOU ARE making excuses for him. When he lives closer to you, unless he is completely transparent, I would be very careful.

Why does HE say he did it? If he blames it on the distance, I would be concerned. Any issues that you two have should be talked about together. Whether it is discussing distance problems or loneliness, HONEST talking is the key to healthy relationships.

Now... go do as I say... not as I do... :p

I agree with Yellowrose. If it feels like cheating to you..it's cheating There is more to life than just the physical...on an emotional and spiritual level...he was with another woman. Just my 2 cents.

Actually when I asked him why (and god I asked him about 30 times :()
He says he doesnt know, he cried and said "I am an idiot, a fool an a-hole and I dont know why it happened and I wish it had'nt". He told me that I am his life, his heart etc. He didnt blame it on the distance, I did. I told him no way was I continuing like this, so it was his choice. Move to California or end it. He made a plane reservation within 48 hours. A one way plane ticket (with us agreeing wed by the way back home if this does not work) He has been a part of my life for over 2 years, he has supported me, listened to me cry at 3am etc. He loves my little girl and has told me if we cant have children for some reason she is plenty daughter for him.

And he also blocked the womans email from his and promised me he would never speak to her again. She herself spoke to me (against my will, she created an alias to get through my blocks) and told me she was sorry and to tell him she was sorry as he would not talk with her about it. She told me to tell him sorry about 3 times so no clue what that is about....

I dont know what happened, one minute I went to bed and he was painting his house, the next I found he had cheated that very night with her.
And yea I thought of it as cheating, I just was not sure if I was being silly when it was just typing out words. :/

So confusing but well, were moving on now and I do have my eyes open for the future with him. He cant tell me why, wish he would....but he says there is no reason not even that he cared for her. Who knows!!

Thanks again :)

Thanks Cherub :)

Yes I guess I knew it was cheating , just wanted confirmation or something.

:( I have cried every night since it happened so I guess that right there makes it very wrong.

Thank you again for the input , much needed.

It's cheating, in my opinion. However, as you said, you two have had some issues you've been dealing with. The distance is the worst part. LDRs are very challenging. It requires LOTS of trust. If you can't trust your partner, then the risk that the relationship will end is greater. You have to be able to believe that when he is not with you, he is being completely faithful to you both physically and mentally. You also mentioned that in your last visit, you were really busy and not able to focus on each other as much as you would have liked.

To me, cyberring is not like looking at porn. Looking at porn as a way to help reduce sexual frustrations is one thing. But.. when you cyber with another human being at the other end of the line, and especially if cams are involved, then that's just cheating, in my opinion.

I saw cyberring destroy a good friend's marriage. He became more and more involved with women everywhere. And, it got to the point where he decided to begin meeting the women in person. :eek: Eventually, his wife couldn't take it anymore and she divorced him. And, nothing will be the same for him now.

I do hope that you and your b/f are able to work things out. He does sound remorseful. So, that's at least a start. Hopefully you will be able to arrange a visit soon, or make a move to be closer together? Sounds like you do need to be together in person more so you can work on building that trust.

Good luck to you!

Oh man, I know that hurts to find out the one you love did something like that.
You have to be honest with yourself....is this something you want to be put through again, possibly.
It is cheating.

Good luck to you in whatever choices you make.

Yes Rose, hes coming out April 7th for an extended stay. I am not willing to go further into the relationship without us building it up stronger first. In other words , I dont know hes coming to marry me, but hes coming to see how it goes, take it a day at a time and go from there.

Had he not cheated I would not have pushed this, he probably would have come in June or even July. When this happened my only request was he come NOW. SOON.


His last visit I was not busy but rude. I was just really an idiot and I cant believe he didnt break up with me right after that lol. Seriously, in all fairness, I was a little brat to him. I ignored him completely. I have been feeling badly ever since.

He must have felt so unwanted and unloved. We had discussed it and he said he knew it was my business stress etc.

And since that visit Ive been extremely moody, high maintenance, whiney lol. You name it!!! The cheating sort of shocked me back out of my cocoon I had wrapped myself in. I guess you could say I was hibernating.

I dont know I can say its a good thing, but it did shock me into waking up to my own bad behavior.
When he visits this time I will make sure to treat him like he is important to me .

Thanks Venus, I know I have some trust issues with him right now definetely.

It was a big owie for me , I am a big baby about it because noone had ever cheated on me before .

I want to work through it with him for the reasons I posted right before this to Rose, I feel I pushed him far far away from me. I have been literally withdrawn into myself to where I was not available to anyone but my little girl. And even to her I have been so moody the last 6 months.

I have been deeply depressed. I would post the details but its pretty personal how deep the depression got. I know he should have NOT cheated on me of all times in this time but I was just so horrible that I know I pushed him away. I look back him trying to show me things, send me things, tell me things....and acting totally disinterested. :/
I have to think he started to feel he was involved with a shell not a woman.

Its still cheating though and I know this . Just wanted to put out both sides of the story not just mine.

It's a mistake, for sure. And a bad thing. And a violation. And it isn't quite the same as bedding another woman. Talk it out, keep your eyes open, and work out future parameters for what is and isn't OK in YOUR relationship. And then hold him responsible for living up to the agreed-upon standards.

Thanks Desert that is what we are doing. Thank you for the post :) We are doing a little better each day since the "incident" though I am not over it. The fact he is coming in 3 weeks is much better, if he wasnt I would want to break up. Right or wrong, thats just how I feel. Not willing to continue long distance anymore with him.

I guess the good thing this episode of "cheating" did was push your relationship to the "s**t or get off the pot" stage. That seems like a good thing, because honestly after two years, if you are not going to be together IRL then it's pushing the limit of "it's time to move on" anyway IMHO.

I guess the good thing this episode of "cheating" did was push your relationship to the "s**t or get off the pot" stage. That seems like a good thing, because honestly after two years, if you are not going to be together IRL then it's pushing the limit of "it's time to move on" anyway IMHO.

Heather, I agree with Kat.

What I will add - as gently as possible - is that you seem to be self-aware enough that you recognize your own (negative) behavior over the last 6 months. I am in no way saying that you are at fault for the 'incident'. I'm saying that I hope you continue to be aware of your behavior and continue to work on it for the sake of your relationship and for your own happiness and peace of mind.

Separately, even without the relationship, it seems that you've identified some behavior that you believe to be unhealthy for you, so with or without the relationship, it sounds as if you would benefit from some personal 'work', if you will.

Once we've identified behaviors that are undesirable and unhealthy, we should be joyous, because we then have the opportunity to work on them, change them.

Considering that you said you were rude, distant, etc. during his last visit and for the last few months, I think it's a good sign that he's still in it with you. Sounds like he's going to try and do his part; be sure that you're doing yours (<--Said with a smile and encouragement.)

Personally, I don't get into or undersand all of this cyber stuff, and this is the only site on which I spend any notable amount of time. I would have a really hard time understanding any guy who spent hours and hours online chatting, playing games, etc., but that's probably because I don't get into it much. It seems so disconnected from reality and humanity. But this is probably a topic for another thread.

This is just an aside. But I met a guy online last month, it was a decent cyber relationship. He was a gentleman, we hit it off, chatted on MSN frequently . He seemed great, so I decided to finally travel quite a distance to meet him. When I met him I noticed he wasnt as tall as he said or as fit as he described, but what the heck? Give the guy a chance eh? He took me to dinner and a lovely walk in the park. At dinner he showed me his badge, he was a police officer. He seemed trustworthy so I even accepted a lift in his car back to the train station. He told me he was single, never married, no kids. As it turned out, after I met him face to face, I didnt feel an attraction, but decided he could be a nice friend.
Well guess who calls me two days after I get home. His WIFE! They are married with a 4 year old daughter!!!! WTF!! I was MORTIFIED!!She suspected something and started checking the calls on his cel and his e-mail. Luckily I convinced her that I didnt even know about her and told her everything that happened between us, expressed my condolences and wished her luck. I am still in shock. This has NEVER happened to me before. Thank God I wasnt attracted and didnt pursue a relationship with him. Could you imagine? This has turned me off of internet dating really. It's so easy for people to lie and cheat and then eventually meet!

Is engaging in a cyber relationship cheating when one is already in a relationship?
YES IT IS!! AND WATCH OUT FOR THESE CREEPS!!

My relationship started out on the internet and has worked out great, we've been together now nearly 2 years.

A couple of things that made my situation different from yours tsarita, were (1) I knew my guy online for 5 months before meeting and (2) over time, things he told me got naturally cross-checked. And, he was trustworthy and always where he said he would be, when he said he would be.

Another thing that *might* be different is the quality of our communication. We asked endless questions of each other and discussed a ton of important things in great depth (I'm talking up to 30-page e-mails, up to 3-4 times a week, the entire first 5 months - and continuing until he moved to be with me 4 months after that). I would never say I "chatted" with this man, it was a much deeper exchange than that word could ever express. To me an internet meeting of a casual depth is about the same quality as a RL meeting of a casual depth, and until/unless it is much more than that it doesn't deserve to be invested in, IMO. I think a lot of people misunderstand that the Quantity of chats or e-mails does not necessarily mean anything - it's the Quality of their content.

Some of us here who first met our men on the net believe that it's actually not the best move to meet someone in person all that soon. You just don't have enough evidence yet to see whether they're worth it or not - especially whether they're worth traveling far for (we used to be 800 miles apart). I wouldn't invest in long-distance travel for a guy I only knew for a handful of weeks.

My point is, not all "online relationships" are in the same category of quality and the knowledge that there are a ton of superficial creeps and cheaters out there should not scare people away from the possibility of finding someone great. Just as in RL meetings, one has to be educated enough to weed out the treasure from the trash. And there is treasure to be found on the net....after all, I was on the net too, and so are all you other great people. ;)

....now back to the original subject of the thread. :)