Excuse Me?????

Hopefully you remember my thread late last week about "trust" and the issues I am having with my .....what? Not sure what to call him right now.

Let's see, I tried to talk to him about it over the weekend ......no luck. He became defensive, said I was "*****ing" and that I was the one making things differant between us. I decided to end the conversation, as it was going no where. It was all over the board and basically turning in circles.

We went through the weekend "motions" acting as if nothing was wrong, however, there was still that lingering "something is definitely wrong" undertone. He remained distant, non-affectionate, except for sex .....but no other touching, hugging, anything of the sort.

Then out of the blue he tells me his "cousin" is coming into town and he won't see me Wed, Thursday of this week as he's taking her and her friends "out on the town" .........Mind you, his cousin is only 19 ......so I'm not sure what night out on the town means for 19 year olds.

I had an issue with this, but not like you may think. We've been together for a year. Everything we do is with my friends, my family, my house, etc. I was a little hurt or maybe even offended that he did not even think to invite me, introduce me or anything. Just ............her and her friends are coming, I won't see you.

I tried to talk about this with him also and you would have thought I was the biggest B in the world. Let's see .........he didn't think I'd want to go, afterall, her and her friends are only 19 ...........okay, right, maybe I wouldn't have wanted to go, but the fact that he didn't even invite me? I invite him to ALL my family events. He has NO friends. And I'm not just saying this. He had a bad past with his buddies and they all pretty much wrote him off. He hasn't talked to any of them for this past year, so basically the only people I've met through him would be his brothers, mother, father and grandparents. Then he makes the comments that he was going to "call his buddies and get together with them when his cousins come down" ...........WHAT ??? I have never met any of his friends. Does this seem right?

Well, after this turning into a HUGE and I mean HUGE event last night, he's being very mean, very childish, telling me that this is how he is, I can take it or leave it. To not invite me to spend time with my friends / family if I feel like he has to do the same (WHAT???) ...........After all was said and done, I simply said "What in the world has happened to us" ..........To which his reply ........"We're just tired of each other" ..........huh?

I cried all night long. Got exactly 2 hours sleep and then had to get up and come to work ...........he calls today saying he didn't mean that and we'll work through this, he'll call me later.

I have not heard back from him. ..............It's so hard to find the strength to walk away ...........I'm going to, I need to ..........but it's so hard !!

ah thesedays...*H*

i would just lay it out, you are getting gut feelings and you know its "wrong" now. the cousin thing is BS. the delays coming over is BS. i'm certainly not trying to second guess him, but sounds like he's running. trust your instinct thesedays, you have the strength.

HOLY FLIPPIN' CRAP, thesedays. :eek:

I think he's totally, completely freaking out and expressing it in ALL the wrong ways and you're the only one who can keep this all in perspective.

Yes, I would be livid beyond belief at him saying anything like and pushing you away (which is what he's doing, cuz he's freaking out), but eventually he's going to slap himself upside the head and realize what an idiot he is.

UGH. I'm sorry, thesedays. Christina's right... you do have to trust your instincts and he IS running, but you have to keep your wits about you and maintain sanity for both of you. Not that I can tell you how to do that...

~phos

I have a question about the YM having lost contact with his friends over the past year. Why did that happen? It's actually something that bears discussing and watching.

Now about the cousin situation, well, my advice is not to sweat it. Any time a guy says he wants to go out with relatives, and he's not been out with anyone but you or your family for a while, let it happen. It's his personal space, and we all need some. I don't believe this means anything bad.

But of cause, it would've been considerate to be ask.

I don't know about this ym, he doesn't seem stable, I think you've been aware of this for some time...I never understand why people say things in the heat of the moment that they will regret later. But one thing I've learned is that most times they don't mean it and sometimes its exactly what they're thinking.

Stay strong, consider the fact that this may not be working and make plans to take care of yourself and your kids. Give him time to cool off and then let him do some of the work to repair the relationship. When you next get together and talk it out with him, let him know that you're not feeling the partnership that you think you both should have and what you both can do to repair it. Be prepare to have to break with him if he does not want to give it his 100% to keep the relationship healthy. Its not worth the aggravation to with someone who is clearly not thinking in partnership mode, but is in personal mode, you deserve better than this.

Paris

Yes, thesedays.....Stay Strong...

I dont know what else to say......This has to get sorted out.......I know exactly how you feel about the friends thing......Well, probably worse than you because he DID have friends but they didn't know about us.....Anyway, thats all in the past now......

I would be upset too.....Not that I would want to go with them.....But that I wasn't Included.....But perhaps he is right.....He thought you wouldn't wanna go.....But he could have said....."OH, I know you won't wanna come, we're just going out, you know 19 year olds and stuff"....

Look there is just stuff that you have to work through.....It is normal.....Every relationship has stuff and it just seems BAD right now because you are in the middle of 'sorting'......Sorting is not always a good place to be, but it is a necessary place......When you are through with the 'sorting' stage, you can move on to the 'making up' and 'starting to work things through' stage.....

I know its hard.....But try and :).......Go out and buy yourself a big bunch of beautiful flowers.......Wait until he has had his 19 year old -> ("don't know what clubs we are going to get into???") NiGhT OuT......

And then.....when they have all gone home and you are alone.......Have your talks, and discussions......Tell, him he has upset you, you are honestly feeling hurt and upset.....You want him to understand.....

Remember.....You have to try and stay happy......Even if you don't feel it.....You have to try and act it......For the three of you OKAY.....:)good luck, Tinks

I am sorry but I just don't trust this "my 19 year old cousin" is in town. I pray I am wrong, but with all the other negative behavior from him, I don't buy it.

If it were me, I would muster all the esteem for myself that I could and tell this guy what's what. You need to meet the cousin... otherwise... I just don't think everything he is doing is kosher. I hope I am wrong.

Whatever you do, don't be a victim around him (get strength here if necessary). Be strong. Be calm. Be the person you were when he met you. Tell him if he loses you, it will be the worst thing that could happen to him... etc. Anyway... that is how I handle things and it seems to work out better.

I will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

To me it just sounds like he doesn't have the maturity to work out his feelings in a reasonable manner, so he's making excuses for himself to create some distance. Maybe that's what he needs right now.....I say, give it to him.

It's that old saying...if you love something, set it free....you know the rest.

Sounds like you may have been the glue keeping him together for the past year, and now he wants to spread his wings a little bit. He just doesn't know how to verbalize that need without creating conflict between the two of you to get it.

Probably time to talk calmly about the future in a week or two.

Ok, having just gone through something akin to this with my sig. other I have to comment for your sake.

Same thing kind of, I was seeing things and commenting on it, and he was telling me the whole time I was jealous, I was being silly, How would he live with me if I was this jealous person? He made this all about me!!

In the end, Ms. Ferret here ferreted out the truth (go email foraging, ok another break of trust but he gave me his pw once and told me I could go in there anytime i just never ever had) .

I found out indeed there was cyber sex cheating going on and that all this time hes been saying this stuff to me he was saying it because he felt like a piece of work himself.

Demand to meet the cousin (in a nice way of course) . If not , please just tell him you need some space and its time for you two to take a break. I get the same heeby jeeby feelings from this I got in my situation and I was right.

Meet the cousin.
I have to ask why he would not want you out with his family, thats not an equal relationship in my opinion.

I think when you go in set with an expectation that you will find cheating, or hold him on a short leash, like you would a wayward animal: you are asking for trouble. If this is the first time let it pass. Then wait and see what happens. If he should come home and say he's found someone else, all the worrying and spying in the world will not prevent it. And if a guy wants to *** around, you should let him go for it. Never hold on too tight...it's just like the old saying, as katemeup says, if you love someone set them free....






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L e g a l l y.....!!! You said the word ***.......!!!!

Is that Legal.....???

But I Totally agree with you, the thing is Heatherlynn might say......Well, I DIDNT suspect he was cheating....., perhaps she didn't....And, I don't think she was holding him on a short leash either....

Thesedays.....Hes not cheating, he really isnt...., nor does it seem that he is going to......

(hijack-- sorry thesedays, but trying to do a two in one)

But Heatherlynn by the way, what is cybersex stuff?......dont know what it entails....Is it really cheating?......If they grovel enough and are sorry sorry sorry......I'd forgive....It seems hes sorry enough....:)




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Let's see ..........he called me at 6:30 last night and talked to me for about 30 seconds before he had to go for a minute, his little brother needed to call his coach ...........he was going to "call me right back"

His right back was at 8:15, to tell me they were heading out and he could call me first thing in the morning.

Ummmmmm...............I can almost guarentee that he didn't go to work again today.

Time to seperate ..................his stuff <<<<<>>>>>my stuff. I need to quit caring if he calls in to work all the time, I need to stop caring if he's paying all his bills, etc. Those are HIS things and I need to step back and take care of myself and "my stuff"

I feel so childish ............I'm at work, but I keep looking at the phone, waiting for it to ring, wondering why it hasn't ..............

aauugghhh.................Don't you think when you start having all these feelings, insecuritie, etc. it's time to leave the situation?

I do not like this feeling.

I am sorry you are going through this - it can be quite maddening, (I know).

I agree, your YM has some big maturity problems, but I have seen men in their 40's pull the same stunts.
I know it is easy to fall into figuring all of this out and then putting the puzzle pieces together, but I urge you to not focus on that alone.
You need to figure out what, (kind of behavior), are you willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept.

The red flags are all over the place here - please don't blind yourself to them.
You can sit there and wonder if he is really with his cousin, his friends or maybe even another woman, but that gets you no where. Regardless of who he is with, he is being evasive, inconsiderate and selfish.
I say stop thinking so much about what he is doing and think more about you are going to do.

I am not saying to end the relationship, but it looks to me that is where things are heading. I can guarantee you, if he keeps up this behavior, things will end in a slow agonizing way and you might even end up blaming yourself - don't do that. If he wants to go play or whatever, he has the freedom to do that and if I were you, I'd tell him to go - have fun or whatever, but I'd also tell him what the consequences of that will be.

I know how hard it is waiting for that phone to ring, waiting for a sign from him that he has you, (and your relationship) paramount in his mind, but you must separate yourself from that and see what is happening right in front of you and not rationalize it.

I wish the best to you. Take this time to get together with an old friend or busy yourself with something that benefits you - concentrate more on you right now and not him. I know that is easier said than done, as you are so rattled by his behavior. As women, we always want to put the puzzle together and we spend endless amounts of time thinking, analyzing and lamenting over "fixing" what is wrong and we neglect to nurture ourselves in matters like this.

If he is not going to give you honesty, then be honest with him. Decide what you will tolerate in all of this and what you won't - then tell him, (and live by that).

Thesedays, is it possible that everything that is going on with him all of a sudden is due to your pregnancy? Didn't you decide to go ahead and keep the pregnancy after he indicated he was very happy about it and wanted the baby? Maybe reality is striking him now and that's what really is bothering him most.

It does sound like you two need some time together for more than just a few minutes when you have his attention and can find out what the real issue is. It may be difficult to do so without sounding to him like you are "nagging", but I do think that he owes it to you to be honest about what is really bothering him. Maybe he's not ready for fatherhood? Maybe he's not ready for a relationship with you after all? No matter what it is, he owes you an explanation.

I hope you'll be able to get him to talk to you soon so that at least you have an understanding of what's making him suddenly act this way.

Thesedays, is it possible that everything that is going on with him all of a sudden is due to your pregnancy?

Pregnant?
Okay, you can smack me now bacause I totally missed that little bit of info. :confused:

Well, I don't know that we've had an update on the situation in the past month, but a month ago, she was planning on keeping the baby after having just told him about it.

Oh wow lol, Now that I know your pregnant the whole thing changes. Woopsy!! Thats what I get for posting without all the details.

Oh boy.......Ill wait for her to post again that she is indeed pregnant to post again but in the meantime if you read this thesedays, I have a totally diff. opinion now.

Hang in there, and if your pregnant and kept it at his request, there is so much more to this then.

Yes ......for those of you who know, and those that are new or haven't read my posts ......that's me.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and was torn with making a decision. He, however, was extremely (or acted) happy about the situation and urged / begged / pleaded for me to keep the baby.

Maybe this is his issue all of the sudden, maybe he has changed his mind ....maybe he's nervous.

However, I do not find any of these reasons to be justification for his behavior. Hello .......I'm having my own issues with it and you don't see me running off and doing whatever I want.

I honestly believe this is strickly an issue of him being him. Him still being stuck in the "party" phase. Him not having any responsibilities, not even to me ........he has not had a good track record with relationships and I should have ran from the beginning. However, he did make some serious changes, for the better and here I was thinking that maybe I WAS the one for him and in finding me, he was able to change himself. SOMETIMES this does happen ..........however, obviously this did not happen here.

He finally called and said they were up until 3:00 in the morning, drinking (yuck). He said they only went out for about an hour and then went back to his house and drank there. .............I was thinking in my mind ...........okay, why didn't you call? I know I would ........."Hey you, I just wanted to call and hear your voice. We decided not to go out, just wanted to tell you to have a good night" .....In the past, he would have done this ........but now?

Sage .........you're right and the fact is, I am not willing to accept this behavior from him no matter how painful it is for me. I am usually a VERY secure person, I'm outgoing, fun, confident in myself, etc. but lately .........I don't even feel like myself and I don't like it.

I do love him and if he was anybody else, I would be running for the hills yelling "No more, stay away" ...............I refuse to be one of those women that say "But I love him" ..............honestly, this is going to hurt like h*ll, but it hurts now anyway .............so what's the differance.

Miserable with him ..............miserable without him ............however, without him, there's always a chance at happiness w/someone else, later on down the road.

If your having his baby this is worth working on, but I agree with you , dont stay in it miserably for an extended time.

I believe he will have a wake up call if you put your foot down. You are carrying HIS CHILD, this is big to him I am sure. I would put your foot down as you have said your going to. No, not saying to smother him but you dont sound the smothering type at all.

Sounds like you have it pretty much figured out and in a good way.

If I were carrying Craigs baby (thats my bf name ) he would be to put it mildly, afraid to lose me. No doubts on that. Id say sooner than later is good too.

mmm babies :) That makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!!

Dont give up on him yet Thesedays.......Hes a youngster.....

Hes exhibiting 'Youngster Behaviour'.....OKAy....Other youngsters, like the youngster of fos, he doesn't seem like that, or Tim Mr Hedges......He doesn't either....But there are others....Some are very very childish, some are bordering and some are worth working on or trying.......

If he was older and had his own set of 'other' issues.....Would you still try......

Youngsters can be like that....I've experienced it first hand.......Don't think about the time......Don't think to call......don't think to ask you to come with them....."OH, I didnt think, "OH, I was drinking until 3".......I noticed you said YuK!!.....But Thesedays was there Somedays, when you yourself may have been out drinking until 3......I know I have......a long time....Um, well perhaps not so long....(very rarely though!!!)....

Give him a chance.....I think this whole thing has become bigger than it has to.....I think hes feeling pressure and this is affecting his behaviour......No matter what he said about the child before.....It doesn't mean he isn't feeling pressure about it......He is Young.....Its a big thing for 'anyone' to have a child....I know because it is a 'big' thing for me too.....The pressure of that and then all this, Other stuff.....OKAY, its warranted, taking YOUR feelings into consideration......AND he hasn't......But can this be because he is grappling with HIS feelings and just can't seem to manage to comfort YOU at the same time......

I think for now a bit of slack wouldn' do anyone any harm....For now.....Then see.....:)Tinks

I feel so childish ............I'm at work, but I keep looking at the phone, waiting for it to ring, wondering why it hasn't .............. You certainly are not childish. It is not childish to care about someone. Nor is it childish to want someone to care and love us.

I know you hate that feeling. It is yucky. It hurts. It tears at one's self-esteem. But those feelings are there to give you a message. The message "warning, warning... someone is not acting in your best interest". Then take those feelings and use them to decide what you want to do. Whether it is tough it out a little while or 'set him straight', you have done nothing wrong that I can see.

If it were me, I would have him over and have 'THE TALK' :eek:

Whatever, you do, don't put your feelings down, OK? Sorry you are going through so much right now. Take care, dear heart.
Barbara

Argh. With the baby coming, this is really the last thing in the world you needed, huh?

I don't know. You can certainly try talking to him again, but it sounds like, from your previous posts, that he says all the right things, but doesn't really deliver down the line. Have you encouraged him to confide in other people and maybe work out some ya-ya's that way?

If none of that is working, then it may be time to accept that, while he always will be in your life in some capacity as the father of your child, he may not be able to be an outright partner to you at this time in a way that feels good to you. You do have to take care of yourself and your kids and not be constantly wrapped up in issues with him.

Have you considered couples counseling? Might be something to consider under the circumstances.