Please help me

[/B] This thread has nothing to do with AGR. However I am in need of advice. I've read on this forum for quite a while and I know there are many smart, strong women and men who post here.

I need to divorce my husband. I am extremely unhappy. It is effecting my entire life at this point. My career suffers. My children suffer. I find myself dreading coming home to him. I snap at him constantly when he does things I don't like because I'm over-sensitive at this point. I am not attracted to him at all anymore. He has done to many horrible things to me in the past. I can not see myself staying married to him for the rest of my life.

We separated several times before and he was very self-destructive each time. One time he even tried to commit suicide. He also made it hard on me. He begged me daily to come back and cried all the time. I don't wish to go thru all that again. But I must leave. This relationship is toxic for me.

Please give me some advice. How do I tell him I want to leave? How do I get it thru his head that no amount of begging will bring me back so he should not waste his time? How do I get over the guilt of watching him throw his life away just because I leave him? How do I deal with his fighting me over an official divorce?

I'm sorry that things are so awful for you right now and I'm sure it is affecting your children also. Perhaps now is a good time to reaffirm with yourself that YOU are in charge of YOUR life and HE is in charge of HIS life. If you two have tried to separate in the past and you're sure that it is what is best for you and your children, then I suggest that you use the phone to contact a women's shelter near you and ask for professional advice.

If your partner is seriously that abusive and you want to leave, then it's for the best that you remove yourself and your children from that situation and worry about the rest after you are in a safe place with supporting members of your community.

You are not responsible for his choices in life, but you are responsible for your own choices and you have a responsibility to your children to keep them safe.

Good luck, I hope the next time we hear from you that you will have contacted a women's shelter or church or some local refuge, call the police if you have to, for professional advice.

Again, I'm sorry to hear that things are so bad. Best of luck to you.

Horselady, you express your pain and desperation so vividly. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could just hold you and rock you for a moment.

My best advice is: build a support network; surround yourself with people who care about you. I'm sure you'll find that here, but seek out people in real life also. When I was going through my divorce, I found a great deal of comfort, comradery, and excellent advice in a divorce support group. The one I went to was held at a church and the program was based on a book written by a minister but it was not a religious program. Of course, if you are a religious person, pray for guidance and seek a counselor within your religion as well.

You have already come up with some of the words you need to tell your husband that you are leaving. Re-read your post, then write down your answers as if you were giving advice to a friend. If you feel inadequate or incapable of doing this, ask for guidance from the Universe (or God, if that's what you are comfortable with).

I don't think you can stop your husband from crying, begging, trying to get you back, or starting a nasty divorce battle. I don't think you can stop him from attempting suicide again. You are going to need to be strong and you're going to need help. Hire the best divorce lawyer you can find and follow his/her advice. Some people have to feed their anger to get a divorce and I don't judge them for it. If you can, forgive your husband for his failures and his cruelty, conduct yourself with dignity, and try to avoid hurting him anymore than you have to, but don't let your sympathy or pity for him stop you from doing what you have to do to save yourself. Whenever my feelings got in my way, I told myself, "This marriage is dead. I have to get a divorce to put it to rest."

Horselady,

Charlotte and Chatterbox have both given you excellent advice. I haven't walked in your shoes, but I can certainly "hear" the pain in your post.

You don't say how long you've been married or how old your children are, but I sense that you have been suffering in this relationship for quite some time. I would go see a professional (a counselor) right away if you can to help you through the process. Sometimes coaching can help you walk through the steps a little stronger than you can on your own. I needed to do that for myself when my marriage and life started to unravel.

I wish you the best and I'll say a prayer for you.

Thank you, all three of you for your helpful words.

I did not mean to imply that my husband is abusive. He is not. I am not leaving because he is beats me up or anything like that. What I meant by "horrible things he has done in the past" was cheating on me, calling me names when we argued, drinking and driving and leaving me countless times with a newborn baby.

He did those things for about the first 3 years of our 6 year marriage. I can not forget the things he did. Some of the horrible things he has said go through my mind every day. Such as he called me a ***** when I was pregnant because he was angry. He got drunk and told a roomful of our friends that if our last child didn't look like him he would have asked for a DNA test. He did apologize later for everything and he was drunk during most of it. However that doesn't make me feel much better.

I guess I feel very guilty that I am leaving him over those things because they happened a long time ago. He hasn't done any of that in a really long time. He says he is a different person. I do believe he would never do some of it again. But I can not forget what has already happened. I can not see living the rest of my life with someone who said and did those things to me. I don't trust him because of all the cheating either. What is love without trust?

I only have one life. I don't think I should have to waste it with someone who would treat his wife that way. ever. I want to spend my life with someone who would never dream of doing those things no matter how angry he was.

The last time we separated was when he attempted suicide. I took him back because when I thought he was going to die I realized I did love him and that I would miss him very much if he was gone for good. Plus I thought that he was sorry for the things he had done in the past and he promised to be a better husband. I made him promise to do several things if I took him back- one of which was counseling because of his suicide attempt. He has never been to counseling still. He also continued his drinking ways after I took him back.

He no londer drinks except on occasion. But I can not get over the things he has done. Especially the things he did after the last time I took him back because I was so sure things would be different.

Do you think it is ok if I leave him now because of things I thought I could forgive him for? Or is that not fair?

Hi horselady,
If I didnt know better I would say it was ME writing your post. I can understand just what your going through. It was the cheating mainly I couldnt forget , mainly because he dismissed it as "nothing" or "my fault" for whatever reason he had at the moment. Like your situation, he quit doing the cheating, gambling, but the verbal abuse continued . My kids were grown by the time I had the guts to make a move to get out and I wish I had done it sooner. What I can say, not knowing your husband other than by what you have said, is that someone who is determined to keep you will go to desperate measures and if you do get out, and they have a way to do it they will try and make you pay in some way. I knew my husband was like this. We had talked of divorce and at some points he was fine with it, UNTIL he realized I was serious. Then he started the " you want to leave, well your gonna be in misery then". He became like a concentration camp leader. Watching every move, criticizing every move, blaming me for everything that went wrong, but still thinking this was going to make me say " Oh Im so miserable, NOW I really want to have sex" Yea, right. Anyway in my case, after I could see what him THINKING I would leave was like, I decided to NOT announce my plans until they were in order. Of course its better if you could talk it out first and come to a mutual agreement, but in some cases like mine, that just wasnt going to happen . My suggestions would be to 1. save up some money, till you have enough for a lawyer 2. If you own a house or cars together, get hold of the mortage book, payment books, sales agreements, birth certificates, any loans, tax papers for last year showing his income, any papers concerning ANYTHING of importance and MAKE COPIES . You will need that info later.
If you own a house together , you have to decide first if you want to stay there with your children and have him move out or vice versa. Once you decide, then your lawyer will take it from there. If you file for a legal separation, he will have to pay support etc, for you and the kids until the divorce hearing etc. My husband had bought me a car, but it was in his name. DOESNT MATTER, its community property and you have just as much right to it as he does. Trouble is... like in my case, we had two cars, but he didnt want me to be able to get around so he took my car one night to a friends to STASH, and came back with this guys car. Of course he had the keys to HIS car and now also to this other car....I had no car.
If you stay in the house and he wont leave, and makes things miserable, you CAN get an Order of Protection which will make him have to leave for up to a period of 18 months here in Pa anyway. The police will make him leave, then in 10 days you go before the judge and state your case and he decides how long your husband can not come back into the home or harrass you etc. After being threatened and being kept up nights and so on, I just used the system to get him out of the house long enough for me to rent a truck and pack up some things and get out of there. I cancelled the hearing, and he was allowed to go back home, but I was already gone and he couldnt stop me. My husband also needed to go for councelling....a TRUE NARCISIST along with paranoia and who knows what else. He would not go, saw no need. I GUESS NOT, since he controlled everything, things were fine for him. I understand your guilt too, because when you have lost any respect or love for someone and THEN they try and change, you feel its not fair to them that you cant love them, etc. But like you, we went through that same thing where youd try to make a new start and find after a month or so, it was still the same old thing. All I knew was that he did love me in his own way, but I was not happy, and we had nothing in common, and I wish we could have ended on friendly terms but when I think about it we couldnt even live TOGETHER on friendly terms unless I just LISTENED, followed orders, and took the tongue lashings when he needed to justify things he should be doing and wasnt, or couldnt find something, or whatever.
I did not handle things well, didnt plan ahead as I should have, not knowing a lot of things that COULD and DID come up. I had a lousy lawyer who didnt explain much and I made a lot of mistakes, which is why I say do some research, talk to people who have been through it, also you can find a lot of lawyers who will offer a free consultation. I had a friend who went to about 5 of these, and got the info she needed and a chance to check out a few lawyers before making a choice.
There is a lot to think about, and Im still not through the phase of property settlement concerning the house , which is in both of our names, etc, but you know , I am living in PEACE and and happy for the first time in a long time. If you have any questions please feel free to PM me, and I would be glad to help in whatever way I can. You are not responsible for how your husband handles you getting a divorce, and the threatening of suicide is usually just another control button they push to keep you from leaving. It may sound cold, but if you leave and his choice is to do such a thing, it would be a terrible thing, but its HIS choice, and not YOUR fault. Finally you said he wasnt abusive What I meant by "horrible things he has done in the past" was cheating on me, calling me names when we argued, drinking and driving and leaving me countless times with a newborn baby. Yoo hoo that IS abusive, disrespectful, and just as bad if not worse than getting hit. This is the definition of abuse......
a·buse (ə-byūz') pronunciation
tr.v., a·bused, a·bus·ing, a·bus·es.

1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.
5. Obsolete. To deceive or trick.

n. (ə-byūs')

1. Improper use or handling; misuse: abuse of authority; drug abuse.
2. Physical maltreatment: spousal abuse.
3. Sexual abuse.
4. An unjust or wrongful practice: a government that commits abuses against its citizens.
5. Insulting or coarse language: verbal abuse.

If you own a house, dont think you have to leave because you cant make the payments, NOT TRUE. Talk to a lawyer, they will give you the info you need to make a decision about this.

As you've read here, horselady, making the decision is hard for everyone, but what I'm hearing is that you don't yet believe you have the right to leave. It sounds like your head has been messed with and you don't trust yourself. Having your heart broken can do that. Being verbally abused can do that. Being lied to can do that. Having someone telling you they love you, then hurting you, then telling you they love you can do that. Professional individual counseling can help dig you out. My suggestion that you join a divorce support group should be put on hold until you're sure you want a divorce and you give yourself permission to get one.

Hold onto the promise of a better life and hang in there.

I can relate to your situation. I want to leave and just can't find the words. I told him once and he just didn't believe me. I started to feel sorry for him and changed my mind...again. :(

You've got excellent advice here and I feel badly for you and the other ladies who have been where you are right now.
I would certainly get all the advice you can from someone local who can guide you as to the laws etc. where you are and if at all possible get a personal recommendation for a lawyer to help you. As happened to Charo, having a reliable, responsible advocate for you would be priority number one I would think - someone you can fairly confidently rely on for sound help and guidance.
Good luck to you.

I went through a fifteen year marriage that would have been better if it had ended after 6 years. I too felt that I needed to stay with my husband to save him, though I must say that he treated me with absolute contempt.

The only way that I was able to break free, was to see a psychologist. After one year of seeing her, I realized that I deserved to be treated well, and that I was worth loving.

I owned my house before I met him, and due to the Canadian Family Law Act I had to give him a good chunk of my assets. Nevertheless, I can truly say that I have never regretted leaving him. I am now much happier. I can't believe that I let myself live in misery for so many years.

When you find yourself unable to leave a miserable relationship it is likely because you yourself are playing a role in the neurotic game playing. Finding a good psychologist was the best thing I ever did. :)

Hi,
I too could be the person in your post. I'm in a marriage I should have ended years ago and convinced myself to stay for my kids. I wanted them to be grown up so they'd have a choice instead of being used as another weapon against me. Leaving or making that choice and acting on it will be the hardest thing you've had to do because you've taught yourself to rely on this person for whatever reasons. To stay even when you knew you shouldn't.

What he is doing is manipulating you by using your emotions against you. Making you feel guilty for even thinking about leaving or wanting to. I'm at that stage now and it's hard and it hurts. It's like playing dodgeball with cement boots on, at least for me. I keep getting hit with things that hurt and I can't escape them. I get tears and pain, my kids used against me, uses memories, that I'm his wife, how he's changed, financial issues. Anything he can think of to make me change my mind or how I feel so I will stay. You need to be strong.

What you need is to make a plan and stick with it, no matter what gets thrown at you. You will probably have to make some concessions until you leave, try to make them ones you can live with. I've agreed to stay for counseling and to wrap up the house so it can be sold. Try to keep your sanity and know that where you are right now is not where you want to be.

Think baby steps. Take a piece of paper, write down in steps what you think you need to do to leave. Little things that break it all up. 1. Find all your paperwork and/or copy it and put it in your "going away bag". 2. Decide what you want to take with you and I don't mean the whole house. Just what you need to be happy and survive. Think of it like an emergency. If you had hours to pack what could/would you in that time limit? What could fit in a car or small truck? 3. Open a savings account and save everything you can in it. Get an account from a bank you can access from anywhere. and 4. Try to do all these things without his knowledge. I know it's sneaky but what he is doing to you is another form of abuse. Find a friend or a relative and start storing things at their house. Your paperwork, small things he won't notice you've packed. He can't keep them from you if they are somewhere else.

You need to get some support to back you up in all this. Family, friends, a group that can help. People to tell you that you aren't evil or bad or wrong for wanting out. In my case I have a loving supportive guy who is there for me. I also have my family behind me, they only want me to be happy.

I wish you the best of luck and future happiness and peace. To hope that soon you'll be in a better place than you are right now. I'm praying for us both.

Chessa~