whitedove135
03-17-2005, 09:34 AM
my name is christine and i have been looking at these boards for a while now. i just decided to become a member. i need a little advice if i could. let me start by saying im 34 single mom of 5, 16,14,13,12,9. 4 girls one boy, well to my situation i got involved with a y/m 23 he is just wonderful gets along with the kids and everything,we have been together for over a year now, my problem is that i cant help thinking hes going to leave for a y/w. i dont want anymore babies and have told him that the answer he gave me was what if he fell in love with a woman that could never have kids he wouldnt love her any less but i have that fear that he might just want one and leave me for it, i know i probally sound crazy, i tried breaking it off with him cause of this but he wouldnt let it happen.we have a great relationship but my insecurities i think are tearing us apart, any ideas on this and how to over come that feeling,christmas eve he did ask me to marry him i did say yes but sometimes i feel like i might be holding him back on doing all that 23 year old stuff.
thanks for listening
christine
Chatterbox
03-17-2005, 11:59 AM
Welcome, Christine. For sure, as you read through the different discussions here and as people respond to your post, you are going to find someone who has felt just as you do and worked through it. In the meantime, I'd like to answer your request for suggestions on how to overcome your insecurities.
Insecurity is a feeling and our feelings come from our thoughts, so if you want to change your feelings, you have to change your thoughts. That's what advice is, different thoughts people give you so you can take them in and change your own thoughts so you'll feel better! Here's my advice:
About children: You've done the right thing - you told him you don't want any more childen. He's told you he's okay with that. Now, you have to let it go. You know it's true that no one can guarantee that he won't change his mind 10, 20, 30 years from now - but you know what - as improbable as it seems to you right now, something(s) could happen and YOU could change YOUR mind! My point is, you've been honest and open with him; he's been honest and open with you, and that's all two people can do. Life doesn't come with guarantees for anybody but, at some point, we have to decide to stop worrying and start enjoying. If you don't let it go, you'll be so busy worrying about what could go wrong that you won't be able to enjoy everything that's going right.
About him missing out on the things 23 year olds are supposed to be doing:
Not all 23 year olds are the same. Some are married and raising families. Some are out raising hell. But it's their choice. I know he's "only" 23, but on the other hand, he's 23! He's not a child. It's not like you can force him to go out and play! :p
About your fear that your insecurities will drive him away: You might be right, you might be wrong - that's something that depends on him, how he thinks, what commitment means to him, how much of your pushing him away he can take, how long he can stand feeling that his loving you is hurting you, how determined he is to love you and accept you with all your faults, etc. What I care about is how those insecurities are affecting YOU and how they are eroding your ability to enjoy this wonderful time with this wonderful man who loves you. As the song says, "some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this .... some people wait forever for that one special kiss." You have been given the most precious gift of all, the gift of love, and I want you to treasure it, to savor it, to enjoy each and every minute of it.
Now, here's how you change your feelings: First, you listen - hear what you're saying to yourself and think about it. You might agree. For instance, you've been thinking: "You're going to drive him away with all your insecurities." And you thought, "You're right. And now I have to DO something about it." So you wrote asking for advice.
But other times, your mind is just talking trash and, when it does, you have to ARGUE. For example:
Your thoughts: "He's gonna leave you someday. Someday he's gonna want his own babies and he's gonna go find some young thing to make babies with."
Your argument: "Not necessarily. We've already talked about it. He says he's okay with it and I'm not going to worry about it. And so what if he does? Are you saying I should NOT enjoy every moment of the next 10, 20, or 30 years because of what MIGHT happen? Well, I'm not going to do it. First, I'm going to trust him: I'm going to believe him. Then, I'm going to enjoy him. I have been given the gift of love and I'm not going to throw it away or push it away because of what "might" happen."
Your thoughts: "You're stealing his youth. You're stopping him from doing all the things he's supposed to be doing at 23."
Your argument: "I'm not doing anything! This is his choice and he chooses to be with me. Besides, everybody's different, what's "right" for one 23-year- old isn't right for another. Yes, part of me thinks, 'he's just a kid, he should be ...' but he's also a man, and the man thinks he loves me. I've already discussed my fears with him and he believes being with me is the best thing for him, and I'm going to trust that he knows what's right for him."
These are just suggestions based on my own thoughts and feelings. You don't have to agree with my examples, but I hope I've given you some ideas for stopping negative thoughts from stealing your happiness and stopping negative thoughts from stealing your ability to trust.
When you get the hang of it, than you can use my best advice: ENJOY! :D
