what about the future

I have been seeing a ym who is 20 years my junior. The two concerns he has expressed about being with me long term is the physical distance between us and our age difference. The physical difference can be solved by one of us relocating. As for the age difference, he is afraid of the future; that I will get old and die and he will be alone.

How do you feel abou this issue and how do you deal with it?

I could be the same age, younger or older than my significant other and they could still get diagnosed with a terminal illness and I could watch them die. At 32, 45, 57, 78, 95. It doesn't matter. There is an inherent risk in life... that risk is death. No one knows when its coming.

You could walk outside your door tomorrow and get hit by lightening, squished by a bus, shot by a stranger, or never even wake up at all. AGE doesn't have anything to do with it.

I deal with our 13.5 year age gap and the prospect of getting old before him the same way I deal with all the other risks in life. It's a crap shoot, I have no control over it, and I live for today, cuz it's all I'm guaranteed to have.

You can also refer your YM here for support for his doubt/fears, and we have a really good long distance relationship support forum, too. Welcome to ageless...

... doubts are part and par with every major risk a person takes. Even if you were the same age, the prospect of forever is frightening!

~phosphorescent

Great response phosphorescent!!!

My ym had a bone marrow transplant 4 years ago. I think he thinks I'll out live him.

I admit I've thought about losing my attractiveness over the years though. I care though, and do my best to maintain. I try not to think about it too much, live for now. He doesn't seem to see my flaws now, thinks I'm beautiful. He has years of scars from cancer treatment and I don't care, in my eyes he's so handsome. It's all relative I guess.

"As for the age difference, he is afraid of the future; that I will get old and die and he will be alone."

IF that were to happen, he'd still be young and able to start a new relationship. Men can procreate forever, if that is a concern.

I would want my YM to carry on, love again.

You could walk outside your door tomorrow and get hit by lightening, squished by a bus, shot by a stranger, or never even wake up at all. AGE doesn't have anything to do with it.
~phosphorescent
But does that mean you would step outside your house, when there is a "Severe Thunderstorm" going on?

There is a chance that you won't get hit by a lightening. But would you still go out?

"As for the age difference, he is afraid of the future; that I will get old and die and he will be alone."

IF that were to happen, he'd still be young and able to start a new relationship. Men can procreate forever, if that is a concern.

I would want my YM to carry on, love again.
What if she died in his eyes while she's still alive? Now that would really suck.

That last one was not the most constructive advice in the world, but I suppose from your point of view, an honest one :/

The rest of the posts I agree, life is a risk....and marriages with same age and no distance fall apart every day.

I dont know how to answer his fear of the 20 years physical attraction thing, I dont know, this is my main concern in my age gap relationship. I dont care how young I look right now, age WILL catch up with me and he better know that.

I dont know, hard one to offer advice on since I struggle with it too.

My bf doesnt give it as a problem, its ME who has this thought.

I think if he loves you this shouldnt be an issue, its not about stepping outside in a thunder storm, its about the love of your life (or not).

I think about the future too. However, being in health care, I can say age is not just measured in chronological time. My husband did alot of serious partying when he was younger and I didn't. He is overweight, slightly. I'm not. We look fine together in pictures. At times we look the same age.
I am a fanatic about skin care. He is also very fair complexion and I am of Italian descent. What is the sun going to do to both of us in the next 10 years?
I do feel like he has more energy than me. However, I work a very physical job and he is much more sedentary.
Whatever, happens happens. My father died in 1991 leaving my mother alone for the past 14 years. I really don't think she has been truly happy since then. Maybe I won't end up like that.
Just take good care of yourself and hope for the best. No one knows the future.
Kathryn :)

Honestly?
Being alone is a real fear, and very valid.
Planning can help some. It makes me sad sometimes that at not quite 22 David is planning for my retirement, and basing career decisions on that fact.
We're 28 years apart by the way.
We also have discussed marriage, and one of the big factors is, working in health care, we both see families financially devastated by the disability of one of the spouses. It's not going to happen to him if I can help it.
And yes, it could theoretically be either one of us, but realistically, its more likely to be me. We definitely will be looking at long term care plans in the next few years.
Actually, I'm glad your guy is thinking about that. It shows he really is taking this relationship seriously, and isn't just in it for fun and games.
David had a really hard time coping with the being alone thing, it was one of the hardest things he had to work out in his head. We went to some counselling sessions, at his request when we were having a difficult time, and it helped him to work it out. He decided he'd rather have whatever lifetime he can have with me, than to risk being alone and never finding someone to have the kind of relationship we have. But it was hard for him to take that risk. He also came to the realization that he was angry with me in some ways for being my age, and it wasn't fair to punish me for the ONLY thing I couldn't change. But he worked it out.
It takes time, and lots and lots of honest communication. Sometimes they say stuff like that and it hurts, but like he asked me one time when he had vented about things, who else does he have to talk to? And if they can't talk to you about things, who can they? The counsellor helped, to have someone not involved emotionally for him to bounce stuff off of.
Quite frankly, I'm amazed at his bravery. And people like Tony Randall's wife. I read the Larry King interview with her, after her husband had died, and the courage it takes to marry someone you know will more than likely be leaving you is enormous.
I had a friend who's first husband died of Cystic Fibrosis. They'd been high school sweethearts, and she knew when she married him that their time together was limited. She became a Respiritory Therapist, and is active in raising money for Cystic Fibrosis research. They were married a little over 5 years when he died. But she said she'd never have changed a thing, she wouldn't be the person she is if she hadn't had him.
I honestly thing that's one reason why David went into healthcare. It helps him face down his biggest fear. He now works in a big rehab hospital for stroke and brain injured patients.
And we really do treasure our time together, and don't take it for granted.
*edit for lousy morning spelling.

The idea of my g/f dying before me kinda scares me a little too. I mean, why shouldn't it? Who wants to be alone?

But at the end of the day, if that does happen, i will have spent the best part of my life with a woman I love, and that I would have to be thankful for. I wouldn't change that for the world.

Anyway, sometimes I think she's probably healthier than me. I've never really looked after myself very well, and I've just starting to because she's given me quite a bit of advice about it. And there's still the chance that i might get the same disease as my mum, which has left her taking umpteen tablets every day to control it. Y'know... maybe there's actually more chance my g/f will outlive me!