i need some support/advice

im 30 and he's 18 - i've never been so in love (and i was married for 8 yrs), never been so happy. for now it is a long distance relationship, but in time he will move here. a couple of days ago he finally told his mother (his dad was just mad and wont even talk about it right now), this was her reaction:

- shes old enough to be your mother
- shes a preditor
- you have to question what kind of woman would want an 18 year old boy
- what kind of person cruises the internet for relationships (which was not the case)
- what could her motives be
- how can you trust her
- theres something wrong with her
- i dont respect her and i dont respect your relationship
- what can she gain from being with a child
- how do you know she is who she says she is
- what kind of lies is she feeding you
- this is just sick
- how has she conned you into this
- this is not a real relationship
- you have to listen to us cuz we have known you longer, not some stranger
- your not old enough to make decsions like this
- you have to end it
- you dont know what love is
- she takes too much of you time and energy
- she is bad for you
- you have to get your life in order first
- your at different stages there is no way that you two have things in common
- your plans for the future will not happen cuz your so young and you'll change your mind about her when you start to see who she is more clearly

etc...

it killed me, i even started seeing a counsellor to find out if there is something wrong with me. im starting to feel a bit stronger again but i still have a couple of things i cant resolve... because he's 18 is there something wrong with me? and if we end up with the life we want then how will she ever accept me or any children we have together - how will i ever have a good relationship with her (which is what i want more than anything).

please i really need somekind of support or advice right now, from the few people we have told all of them have pretty much had a bad reaction. im tired of people looking at me like im some kind of child molester :( .

Well, first of all, there is nothing wrong with you. Why would there be something wrong with you? Just because you are going out with an 18 year old doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. I for one think you are a very nice lady. YOu gave me good advice on my post. If you love him, it shouldn't matter what other people think. Just as long as you tw oare happy, thats all that matters. But, there is definetely nothing wrong with you. You are certainly not a child molestor. I hope this helps, and cheers you up. I hope everything works out for the best.

Its hard I know...and you're certainly not a child molester...but you have understand that for that parent 18 is not that far from 17. I'm sure all her reasons also could stem from the fact that her son knows next to nothing about being in a relationship with someone so much older. If he's been dating awhile, she would know his dating style and is protecting not only her son but you as well.

At 18, they change so much by 21, its hard to know how or are you willing to be in this relationship for as long as he's willing to be in it? I don't know how long you guys have meet or if you have meet, but you first need some face time. Don't consider him moving to you until you've had a few meetings together that will help you both to decide if you're really compatible. Everyone online sounds like someone wonderful, but they're basically hidden, at least their true selves and you should take it slow because of this. In this way, his mother won't think you're out to control her kid and she can get used to the fact that her son is serious about this.

But you're going to have to decide if this is good for both of yous if his parents do not accept it because it will become a thorn in your side. These ym aren't experience enough to do away with mommie and daddie altogether and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to, but they want their partners to be like and accepted, only the stronger ones survive and not by much...it eventually gets to them because sometimes love isn't enough to let it all go.

So yes, it can work...I'm still holding out for the long term stats, though and from where I'm sitting, its not easy especially if its ldr. But stay positive...he just might surprise you.

Paris

It's not really up to her to decide, now is it? It's his decision to see you or not. If she influences him in a negative way, that is outside of your control.
Welcome to Ageless!
Ali

I agree with Leagues.....

Plus, you haven't really spent that much time with him yet, so I guess you should just concentrate on that and Leave that other stuff for later......As long as it is not affecting HIM.....Then don't worry about it......

I noticed you put etc at the end of that list........My God....Was there MORE....!!!

Actually......Come to think of it.....

If you are old enough to be his mother.....You would have had him when you were 12.......Now THAT is a child!!!

Wow Val,

I felt as if I could have been reading a page from my own book when I read your post. I, too, have heard just about every "rationalization" laid out there by your ym's mother.

No, there is nothing wrong with you! Perhaps your ym's mom isn't able at the moment to consider how much is RIGHT with HIM? I agree there's a fine line between age 17 & 18 in a parent's eyes... she probably just doesn't quite grasp how truly capable and mature a person he's become. Trust your judgment... YOU know what it is you see in him. *smile*

I also agree with the advice you got here from Iparis and Tinkabell about having face time with him. Not only is that crucial for the two of you... but it will also help ease some of these "concerns" (legitimate or otherwise) that you're hearing from other people. TIME is the proof of a durable relationship.

Now for a bright side... there is hope!...

I'm 37 years old and this afternoon I'm marrying Ryan (age 18) WITH the (emotional) support of his family. What a big turnaround from the list of rants, huh?! Yes, it took them time to get over the shock... but deep down, they knew that Ryan and I have had a rock-solid friendship for a year and a half before getting serious... and they know we aren't acting rashly in getting married (we put a great deal of thought/analysis into the idea).

At some point, I have a feeling your ym's family too will realize that all they really want for him is his happiness. Just allow some time for him to do the convincing. :)

Hang in there!

~Pam

"I'm sure all her reasons also could stem from the fact that her son knows next to nothing about being in a relationship with someone so much older. If he's been dating awhile, she would know his dating style and is protecting not only her son but you as well."

... yes one of her points is that he doesnt have the same kind of relationship experience i would so we are clearly mismatched. she said like 8 times that she had no respect for me so im sure shes not protecting me. good points tho.

--

"At 18, they change so much by 21, its hard to know how or are you willing to be in this relationship for as long as he's willing to be in it?"

... ur so right about this but right now to me its worth the risk. oh and no worrys we dont want to rush anything, it will be another 2-3 years before he moves out here. we have not met in person but we spend hours everyday on the phone, mesengers, emails, webcams to try to get as close to in person as we can.

--

"These ym aren't experience enough to do away with mommie and daddie altogether and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to"

... absolutely - i tell him always to put family first cuz i want them in our lifes, but mostly i dont want him to be without his family.

--

"If she influences him in a negative way, that is outside of your control."

... ur right. but thats one of the things that i love about him, hes not influenced by me or them thank god.

--

"Plus, you haven't really spent that much time with him yet, so I guess you should just concentrate on that and Leave that other stuff for later......As long as it is not affecting HIM.....Then don't worry about it......

I noticed you put etc at the end of that list........My God....Was there MORE....!!!"

... yeah we've only been together 5 months now, and even tho we spend hours everyday together 5 mnths really isnt that long yet (im really shocked as to how fast i have fallen for him actually). and i have only affected him in a postive way, except for the fact that his parents are coming down on him right now but he really is handeling it well (better than me in fact hehe). yes theres more, theres more and more everyday. shes really trying hard to convince him that im bad for him.

--

wow great feedback guys =) keep it coming cuz its helping like u wouldnt believe.

Hi val, and welcome.
I'm 49, he's 21, we've been together over 3 1/2 years now.
His mom used every line that your guy's mom used. Along with aren't there any men your own age where you are that you had to come here to go after my baby?And some others not nearly that nice.
Well, I'm a mom too. I could feel for her.
I just kept doing my best to reassure her that David's needs were at the top of my list, and that I'd do my best to see to it that he wasn't hurt, and that he'd keep his relationship with them.
I wrote her a long letter, telling her about me, and telling her that if she had any questions or concerns, please feel free to call me at any time, and I'd be glad to discuss things with her.
Took a while, but she's told David that she's grateful that I came along in his life.
When her father was dying, she'd call me with questions about what the Drs were telling her, and to keep me updated.
I think she knows that I'm the main reason David keeps in contact with them as much as he does. His childhood wasn't the greatest.
His mother will adapt.
Its kind of like finding out your child is gay, or wants to be the only artist in a family of lawyers, or whatever. It's a derailment of your plans and dreams for your child, and an adjustment. And you're the threat to those plans. She's just scared of losing her son, and fighting as best she sees fit. Don't take it personally at all, she doesn't know you.
David always said when things like this came up that we were being tested to see if we were strong enough to have what it takes to be in a relationship like this.
Your guy just needs to stay calm, not fight, remain firm, and things will pass. He may have to listen to a lot of her venting. A good response is, "Mom, I love you, I always will, I know you just care about me. Please know you raised me to be smart enough to take care of myself, and I'll do that." And stop talking.
I really would consider writing to her, or calling her, or whatever you think best. An unknown threat is always harder to deal with, and easier to attack than someone with a face and name.
Please don't attack back, that only adds fuel to the fire, and makes her right. I think if you acknowledge her fears and concerns, and do your best to reassure her, it helps.

Welcome Val,

Just a quickie couple of questions that popped up for me.

I do think its wonderful that he's told his parents about your relationship, but...if you guys have been in an internet only long distance thing for about 5 months and never met in person I dont fully understand the intensity of his Mom's disapproval and basically attacks on you.

I guess there are ALOT of folks out there who would doubt and discredit a relationship like this even if the 2 people involved were of the same age/life experience.
Do you know what her main concern is? *Is it age??*

Does she feel her son is giving up way too much for some new fangled hokey computer-internet love? lol...not to make light of it, but what exactly is her issue with the relationship at this level?
People can have all sorts of issues with relationships they dont understand. Im certainly not suggesting that long distance internet/phone relationships are not real, and cant work--I know for a fact that they are real and can work and that there are many wonderful folks here at AL who are living just that successfully. Im wondering what the Mom's take is.

I think if you feel love in your heart for eachother, then you continue loving each other--however also think that in MY Personal experience, a real life meeting soon after you realize that youre pouring heart/soul/time/energy into this internet LDR is best. Its important to take that step into the tangible world even if you have to go back to the LDR world fairly quickly.
How far apart are you two logistically and when do you plan to meet IRL?

Good luck to you, and once again welcome :)

Yeah, what raven said too.
You really do need to meet asap, and take it from there.
Although take it from me, the partings suck big time once you've actually met.
It's a lot easier for others to be supportive of you, if they know you've actually had face time too, they don't take internet relationships seriously if they haven't actually been in one.
Even if the best you can manage for one of you is a long weekend, it's really important.

Hot4Ryan said.....
I'm 37 years old and this afternoon I'm marrying Ryan (age 18) WITH the (emotional) support of his family.

Just had to jump in here and wish you two all the best today!!!

Ok, sorry Val, back to your thread...and welcome to Ageless. I don't really have anything I can say to help, except the usual, you need to do what is right for you, not what others think is right. Good luck and I hope they come around in time.

I think I should reiterate what everyone else has said about meeting him! You must do it now, before you go any further. I don't know if you have internet dated before, but when two people meet from online, all the landmarks change. Then you have to deal with the real person and not just their words on a page. There is no telling what might happen.
Ali

Val, from what I understand about your posts, you two are in an internet LDR and have not yet met in person. Is that correct? If so, then the first thing you should be worrying about is whether you two will feel the same way in person after you meet.

I am in an international LDR with a man 18 yrs younger than me. We talked for a year before we met. And while I knew that I loved him before we met, I also knew that what really mattered most was how we got along in person.

So, you first need to take that step before you begin worrying about whether the parents will accept you.

For people my age, and I am guessing his parents are closer to my age since they have an 18 year old son, you need to understand that he concept of meeting someone over the internet is still a new thing. Most people only hear about the horror stories that exist out there. They don't hear about the other stories.. the happy ones.. the ones that in my opinion, represent the majority of cases. So, they form their assumptions based upon what they hear in the news about sexual predators.

If your relationship turns into a face to face relationship, then in time, they will get to know you as the person that you are and will form their opinions of you based upon that.

Allow them the time to vent about their concerns, but understand that it's only because they don't know you and they don't understand that people can meet and fall in love online.

Good luck to you and I hope you two can meet in person soon. Be sure and stop by our LDR forum where you'll find others who are in long-distance relationships, most of which started on the net.

I don't think 18 years old is young at all. Maybe that's because im 19. I don't know how many women would date someone as old as me. The mother might still consider him as her baby. You know what i'm saying? She is also probably scared about losing him and is probably even more scared that it is an older woman. That's just what i feel. I think that might be the main reason she is upset. I don;t know how many older women feel about someone my age.

wow thanx for the warm welcomes and great advice.

omg hot4ryan thats amazing, congrats... tell us all about it :) :) . ur post really hit home for me by the way, thankyou so much for taking the time.

Bella i needed to hear that perspective, thank you - and im really glad im not alone. i tlkd to my partner about writing her, he thinks its a great idea but wants me to wait a bit. shes still spitting venim and he has asked her many times to get to know me better by picking up the phone and asking me all the questions she throws at him, like 'wat kind of woman cruises the internet looking for relationships with 18 yr old boys'. her reply is that she doesnt want to know me more and that she has no respect for me and my answers. tonight they r sitting down as a family and they r going to talk it out rationally (his father was never there wen she has gone off on him like that, we r hoping that he helps calm her down a little but who knows). after tonight if there is any progress then i am definatly sitting down and writing to her cuz it really is a great suggestion, i really think it will help.


and ravenglow you bring up a great point - he seems to think that his mom has more of a problem with us having a net relationship than my age. i think she is just not wanting to let go of her son so soon... but who knows really. and meeting in rl is not an option right now, im in canada and hes in australia. way too far and too expesive - but if all goes well in 2 yrs time he will come here.

legallyblonde we both fully understand that it will definatly be different wen we r together in person. online we get to long, dream, and fantasize bout a wonderful happy life - but we also have our arguments, eat together, scratch our asses, and watch ea other sleep, etc... take that and add the pressures of money, politics, new country and culture shock, him being so far from all his support systems, the stress of getting him citesenship, finding him a job, dealing with the daily's like 'whos turn is it to clean the bathroom' and 'i cooked last night type things'. along with a whole buch of other things that we'll have to deal wity by being together in person. with all our hearts we are trying to be realistic here, both of us want this to work. god i wish so bad i could spend time with him in rl, but unfortunatly its not an option right now :( .

its funny whiterose but he has said the exact same thing:

"For people my age, and I am guessing his parents are closer to my age since they have an 18 year old son, you need to understand that he concept of meeting someone over the internet is still a new thing. Most people only hear about the horror stories that exist out there. They don't hear about the other stories.. the happy ones.. the ones that in my opinion, represent the majority of cases. So, they form their assumptions based upon what they hear in the news about sexual predators."

he really believs that is her biggest concern. i will take ur advice and let her go through wat she needs to, be patient, and then hopefully she will open her arms to me in time. thanx.

younguy7865 i kinda lean towards wat ur saying, but thats mostly becuase i cant realate to her fear of the net. she treats him like a baby so she must c him as a baby. and its hard enough for a mother to let go of her child, but to let him go to an older woman that wants to steal him away halfway around the world - thats gotta b really tuff. oh and as far as older women liking guys ur age, personally i've always liked men in their early 20's... more energy, better sex drive, less bagage, not too many relationship bad habbits, usually more passion and excitment, etc. and i also just read a report that says 1/3rd of women age 40+ are with men 10 years plus younger than them. nothing to worry about love, shes out there u just gotta find her thats all.

again thankyou so much for all the support and advice, it has helped more than anything so far.

Hi there! 18 is young... young, young, young! LOL! When you are in love with a vyp the concern is less about the agegap and more about the age... isn't it? I am 37 and my husband is 19. We met in an online game Apr 2003. I had major concerns. I am old enough to be his mom. In fact, my oldest is one year younger than he is! It took time and lots of persistence on his part to move to me to a real life relationship. It is the best thing I ever did for myself no doubt about it!

Although I feared our families' responses, we were supported and accepted. Give it time... and do move to real life.

Marcy Said: Give it time... and do move to real life.


From what Val says it will be at least 2 years before they do that...

Ah should have read better... in that case... be prepared for tons of doubt. I'd definately try to change that.

Okay finally read the whole thing...

I understand distance... Lord knows lots of us do... My husband is from Canada. WR's fiance is from Romania. However, it seems to me that the love of your life is worth a few pennies investment and a trip. 5 months isn't very long, but before you let this go too much longer, to cement your relationship and make it real in a fuller sense to you both and those around you, a meeting irl is a must.

I have no reason to judge someone else. I am in a long term relationship with someone who is 13 years my junior. I was 41 when we met and things are not working out. I am in love with a man 11 years my junior. I have always been attracted to men younger then myself...but in this situation I would wait until he is 20 or 21; if it is a strong love then I'm sure he will wait and I would hope that you would too. You can write, email, even see each other from time to time. My reasoning? You do not want his family to dislike you from the beginning, they will respect you wanting to wait and let things take their natural course. If you choose not to wait, the outcome could leave your relationship with scars for a long time to come.
I chose to wait before my new love and I even kiss until I'm ready to move on. I don't want to hurt the one I love. Time will make us stronger.

he finally told his mother (his dad was just mad and wont even talk about it right now), this was her reaction:
- shes old enough to be your mother
- shes a preditor
- you have to question what kind of woman would want an 18 year old boy
- what kind of person cruises the internet for relationships (which was not the case)
- what could her motives be
- how can you trust her
- theres something wrong with her
- i dont respect her and i dont respect your relationship
- what can she gain from being with a child
- how do you know she is who she says she is
- what kind of lies is she feeding you
- this is just sick
- how has she conned you into this
- this is not a real relationship
- you have to listen to us cuz we have known you longer, not some stranger
- your not old enough to make decsions like this
- you have to end it
- you dont know what love is
- she takes too much of you time and energy
- she is bad for you
- you have to get your life in order first
- your at different stages there is no way that you two have things in common
- your plans for the future will not happen cuz your so young and you'll change your mind about her when you start to see who she is more clearly

etc...
These exact comments (and others equally venomous) were said by my ex ym's mother as well, while his dad sat silent and fumed....A few other past and present OW here have had similar situations as well, and in the end have "lost" the battle with Mom.

I hope your situation resolves itself when you are together in real life....it all depends on the vym. If he still sees himself as a dependent "son" of sorts and hasn't fully transitioned into autonomous manhood, mom's pull will be treacherous....If he is independent, living on his own, has his own life and makes his own decisions and is not entirely financially dependent on his parents, the outcome could lean in the positive direction. It's a tough transition time for most 18 year old guys who WANT their freedom, and WANT to make their own choices about who to be with, but are still strongly connected (emotionally, financially etc.) to their parents.

I wish the best for you. Try to stay positive...don't EVER bash his parents (even though you'll feel like it), that will just work against you in the long run, and be patient. Give him as much "rope" he needs to work this out on his own or you may find yourself in a tug-of-war with his mother that you'd have no chance of winning. Be kind, understanding of his folk's reluctance, go slow, and hope for a good outcome. Your age gap is not big, but his age is very young. In 10 years, the gap won't matter at all....but at 18 it makes a difference on many levels.

I wish you only good things and a happy resolution to your situation. :D
Karen

I chose to resurface this thread because this is SO my life right now. Wow hurts lots to read the OP's initial post/list because those exact things were said. Luckily ym is holding solid ground on his stance. Im guessing this is a normal reaction to a situation like this and that acceptance is not usually the norm?Blech it makes me nauseated just reading it:(