What should i do?

Hi everyone,

I have a question about a YM i've become attracted to.

i knew this guys brother years ago, we sort of dated, well, as much as you can when you're 11 (!). Anyway, because of that i can remember YM.

A few months ago our paths crossed again, but we didn't speak face to face. I found an email address, which actually went through his dad, and sent an email, saying well done on the work i'd seen him in.
Anyway, i never thought anything of it but then he replied.
since then i've been to see him once more (public speaking), and emailled him again after that.
he wrote back, and, because the fact that i already know so much about him because of the past, i told him. Thing was, he couldnt remember (he would have been about 7 at the time!!!) (we have 4 year age gap) but said that he wasn't bothered anyway.
We've chatted online a couple of times since then.
thing is, i think there is potential for so much more. Here come my problems then...

He's 4 years younger, so i feel like i'm taking advantage.
I remember him as this little boy
It feels so wrong, the fact that i know so much about him, including that he lives 5 mintues down the road, when he doesn't even know what i look like.
I know i could solve the one above by sending a photo but then is that being too pushy?
I keep wondering what the hell his parents would think about it.
I've had a bad experience recently with the net, people not being what they seem, and i don't want to come across like that to him.

I jsut wish we'd met in real life, and now my heart is saying trying to further this, my head is branding me some sort of freak.

What should i do?!?!?!

Two things I would say:

My g/f is 18 years older than me, and many other people here have similar or bigger gaps, so I don't think 4 years is much to be concerned about at all. Depends on your ages though too, like if you were 22 and he was 18. Even then I think you'll find examples here of couples that have worked with bigger gaps than that.
My guess is that you're only made to feel like you're taking advantage because of preconceptions that society places on o/w and y/m relationships. It sounds to me like he is someone who is confident due to being a public speaker and I don't think it would be that easy to take advantage of someone like that.

I met my g/f on the internet and everything is huncky dory here. :) Again, there's so many examples here of couples who met on the net and it is working fine.

When I was in my 20's, I was married to a man who was 2 yrs younger than me. I really thought that was a big deal back then! LOL Now, I am in love with a 28 year old man. I am 46, turning 47 next month. Now, that's an age gap. Don't let the age worry you.

I would recommend that you email him the photo. Maybe that will jog his memory. And if not, then just take your time in talking to him and let things happen naturally.

I don't know how much difference this will make to peoples opinions but he's 18 and i'm 22. I know it doesn't seem that big a gap, but at one time i was seeing a man 25 years older than me :eek:
It sounds ridiculous but i was more comfortable with that than i am at the moment. It's like, because now i'm the older one i should be the one with more sense, because i always maintain that my OM could have treated me better, and, if he knew that in the long run he couldn't deal with the age difference then we should have stayed friends and nothing more.
Now, i would love to get to know this YM better, but age, and the other things i've described are getting in the way.
I just feel like that if we'd met in real life then all these issues wouldn't even be in existence :(

Hi Wandering Child.......

I think you should wander off 5 minutes down the road and go and visit this ym....

I noticed that you mentioned your Older man had issues with the age thing.....But it seems that you are exactly the same......I guess for a 22 yr old 4 years might seem like a big gap......Its hard to say cos I don't remember ever having age issues no matter what age I was......

Just take it slow.....Start as friends......And see what happens.....If he is interested....Im sure it won't be long before you find out......:)

It's funny, when i met my OM i was 17, when i was 18 we started seeing each other, and i could never understand what his problem was. To me, we were two people who were attracted to each other, had things in common and enjoyed spending time together. Simple.

Now i'm the older party i feel like i'm doing something wrong, and i've tried and tried to rationalise this, i even wrote a list of all my objections to see if i could reason them out, but as yet i haven't had any luck :confused:

Have you thort of the fact that perhaps your fears are not Age Related .....But are in fact something else.,,..

I dont know, but could be that he may not be the right type for you???

Sometimes it is difficult to real 'true' signs when we are emotionally attached to someone......

It's funny, when i met my OM i was 17, when i was 18 we started seeing each other, and i could never understand what his problem was. To me, we were two people who were attracted to each other, had things in common and enjoyed spending time together. Simple.

Now i'm the older party i feel like i'm doing something wrong, and i've tried and tried to rationalise this, i even wrote a list of all my objections to see if i could reason them out, but as yet i haven't had any luck :confused:

Do you think how part you're feeling might be because whilst yw/om realationships are more common and acceptable, ym/ow ones aren't? I know that knowing him when you were both younger complicates that a little, but generally when you fear something like that it is because it's not 'normal'.

I think what it really comes down to is how 'old' this guy is at heart. Is he a young 18 or an old 18?

My g/f struggled to come to terms with the age gap at first because it's 18 years! But eventually I think she's realised that we're a good match and we really do belong together. And if you can have that, then what does a difference in age matter?

Thanks for your replies...

I think i have two main problems with this situation, the age difference, and the fact that at the moment its going on over the internet, which i don't really like because recently i met someone in real life who seemed perfectly fine, but then when we got online he would be so completely different, it was like talking to two different people.
I don't want things to turn out like that with ym. We seem to have such a lot in common, and, from what i can tell so far he's a mature 18.

I think the whole internet/preying on younger man thing keeps circulating around each other and in my mind it's getting out of proportion, but i can't seem to figure out how to deal with it.
Do i suggest meeting, or is that too forward? Is it taking advantage?
We've been emailling on and off since about September last year, so it's not like i've only been speaking to him for a week or something.

Wands......

If you can't get over this age thing and have gotten to the 'crazy' stage where you are even 'thinking' that you are taking advantage.......Then I think you should drop this whole thing for a while.....You just cannot have these anxietys.....There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you being attracted to an 18 year old, my god you are only 22 yourself.......Perhaps he is as scared as you and September is a long time to only have internet contact.....Why dont you just ask him out and get it over with......At least you will know......:)

I say ask him how he'd feel about meeting for coffee and then take it from there. The only way you're likely to get past some of these feelings if is you just get out there and go on some dates with him and see how things go. So, start slow. Suggest coffee and see how he responds to you.

Oh no, i'm back again, and VERY messed up about this whole situation

Okay, i spoke to ym again over the net, everything was great, we had almost two hours of constant chat about everything and nothing and things were fine, we'd exchanged photos. We'd even talked of getting together sometime.

Then the conversation took a turn and it hit me that he didn't have a clue how old i was. I've only ever been honest with him, i mean, i can't CHANGE my age so there is no point in lying!! Well, he reacted very badly, panicked, and ended up saying he was 18, very inexperienced, didn't know what to do or say.

I felt terrible, like it was all my fault.

What i don't get though... I spent ages writing that email, telling him that i knew him from the past, that i'd been in the same year as his brother in school, that we'd been to school together, i'd sent that photo, which i don't exactly LOOK very young in, so how on earth was he so misled?!?!?! I mean, if nothing else he MUST know how old his own brother is!!! :p

it was the one thing that i didn't want to happen, which was why when i realised that we had a lot in common and could talk for ages, i decided that i had to be honest, because i wasn't comfortable with it.
So, i;ve spent the last two days wondering what went wrong, how i've ended up feeling like the bad guy despite only telling the truth. I mean, i never wrote under an assumed name, used a false email address, i wrote and told him the whole truth about the past, i sent the photo.
I'm not sure what else i could have done, or how on earth i'm supposed to react now.

What a mess (AGAIN!!) :(

Methinks ym is not all that mature after all.

Its only 4 years for crying out loud. If he can't handle it, he can't handle it...move on, stop wasting time and mental anguish to debate your cause. Come on, he's not the only one on this planet.

you sound like a great person if he choose to spend hours chatting with you on line...and now he's freaked, hey...chat with another. Now you know that agr can work and come together with a meeting of minds, don't let his reaction keep you from finding someone more worthy of you.

Paris

He probably truly did not remember you. And, to an 18 year old, a gap of 4 years probably seems huge. :p

I would recommend that you email him back and tell him how you are really feeling about all this. Let him know that you did not intend to take him by surprise and that you assumed he knew your age.

If you still want to pursue this, then let him know that, but let him know that you will not push him. In fact, maybe you should encourage the two of you to be friends for a while. As I suggested earlier this week. Start small. Go out as friends and see what happens. He may relax and be more willing to give you a chance if things progress naturally.

Good luck to you. I hope it works out.

Thanks for your replies guys.

I think i'm going to leave this one up to him, when we finished that conversation the other night he said he'd email me, so if he does then ok, if he doesn't, well, irparis, you're right, it's not like he's the only guy on the planet anyway! :rolleyes:

i DO believe friendships/r'ships with an age gap can work, but i've been in the situation before where the other party could never really accept the age difference, and i don't think i'd be willing to go through it again.

I think if you can find someone you get on THAT well with and the only problem you can foresee is the fact that one of you is older/younger then you're really lucky, there are some really nasty people about after all. Maybe i'm more open minded than i thought :p

WC, you can see there are a lot of us here with a lot more than 4 years between us. Let that go, the last thing you need to worry about is a few years. Focus on the quality and maturity of the man and not his age. :)