I'm confused about something

I recently joined this forum to maybe find some advice, opinions, or possible answers:

I have been married to my husband for almost 9 years, and we are like best friends, we laugh, share, argue, respect, take care of, etc...and yes the sex is great -at least I think so!! The last several years the sex isn't the first thing on my mind, we have two children, and both work full time and I come home and take care of the family so I am tired by 9pm when the children get to bed and just really not in the mood. We have had this conversations a few times because he needs more and we worked on it, and last three months our sex life went down to about 2-3 times a month, and I know its because of me! I do love him, I am not bored actually I think we get along a lot better the last three years. Well I confused is because I went to visit my mother last weekend and took my children with me, so my husband was home. On Sunday night had to do some research on a septic installation on the internet (he hardly ever gets on the internet, he usually has me do the research) and since we have AOL he has his own screen name. Well the next day while he was at work and I have off for a few days to be with kids part of their Spring Break I went on the computer and since he was the last one logged on it automatically come up under him and we use the same password, so I just logged in on his and was going to just switch to mine afterwards. Well I notice he had 8 emails? So I did look and all put 3 were junk so I deleted it, and want caught my attention was the subjects from "Match.com" stating his profile has been confirmed and Thank you for registering, etc. So I investigated and sure enough he created a profile on Match.com - since I was under his screen name I chose that I forgot my password and they sent the pass word seconds later to his inbox and so I signed in under his username & password on Match.com and notice he completed the free profile!! That he was actually looking for someone in 50 mile radius, between 18-35 yrs old, etc. He claimed "No answer" about his current relationship or if he had any kids! I got really upset and worried and wonder why? I did delete his registration! We he came home I didn't mention it because I got to thinking that maybe since it has been almost 2 weeks since our last sex and he was home by himself that he was curious!!? He didn't act any different, and normal, he didn't act distant or anything? There is no change in his life style whatsoever to where I would get to wonder. I am confused, and should I be more bold and iniate sex more would that be it? He never got online yesterday and don't think he will for some time. Maybe its a clue to me that he needs more sex? I would because I don't want to lose him!!
I am very interested what others have to say about this situation...Thanks!

Confront it and Confront it NOW.

This is a serious issue, you can delete his screen name and profile, but he can always create another. I know my S/O did the same with Lava life.

He needs to know that YOU know, and that it is unexceptable, and that you will not tolerate this in the marriage. The thing is once they start alot of times they don't stop, and you may need to do some serious soul searching in regards to your marriage.

Online profiles can lead to real life Audltry. Confront it before it gets to this point.

2-3 times in a month is NOT unusual for a married couple at all (despite what others may claim), especially with 2 children.

It sounds as though you are blaming yourself -- saying that you think that this means that you should initiate sex more... so he does something bad and gets rewarded with more sex? No.

Do not blame yourself. That is silly.

You need to talk to him about this.

Good luck to you.

Thank you very much...and you are right I need to confront him. But I'm so scared that he will actually tell me he wants someone else or he is falling out of love or something? It will just plain hurt, and then I will probably pack my bags then and there, or tell him to get out?? But your right if I confront him, we MIGHT be able to work things out. He was the one raised with one set of parents and they have been married almost 48 years! I was raised by a single mother who went through 3 marriages!? Thanks again for your help!

Aww Daizee...you must have felt horrible when you saw that. ((hugs)) I have been in a similar situation before.

I agree with everyone else. You need to tell him everything you just said here...how you found the profile, how it hurt you to read his "relationship status" on the site, and how you were scared to bring it up with him because you were afraid of what you would find out. I would also tell him that you are worried this may be because you have not been having sex as much as you used to. See what he says.

If you just ignore the problem, it's still going to be there....It's better to just come out in the open with it, and be as honest about your feelings as you can. Hopefully, he will take the time to sit down and discuss it with you without becoming defensive.

However, I do have to say that three times a month is something that seems to happen to all of us now and then.....I have three children myself and a full time job. My boyfriend recently moved in with me, and we have sex less now than we did when we didn't live together and only saw each other on the weekends. He is probably thinking "whats up with this?". But the fact is, I get up at 5:30 in the morning every morning, and put in enough to count as two full time jobs by the time I work, take care of my house and children, etc. I get TIRED! *smiles* So I certainly understand what you are talking about.

If he would like to have more quality time in the bedroom, maybe he could help you out with some of the extra things you do at home, so you won't be so tired? Frankly, at this point I think my b/f would rather go without the sex than say, do the laundry for me! lol Go figure.

((hugs)) to you. I hope this turns out okay. Please keep us updated!

This is a very real and fairly huge issue with married people. Both men and women, get involved and actually fall in love (or lust) on-line. Red Flag! :mad:

The sex (or lack of it) could be driving a bit of your husband's on-line exploration, but my hunch is that he might be spreading his wings a bit -- from the comfort of his livingroom (or where ever your computer is located). There is such a thing called the 7 year itch, and since over 50% of marriages end in divorce, you have every reason to be seriously alarmed. :eek:

This is a very unfortunate situation for you and I would agree with the others, you need to confront him -- and find out exactly where this is all coming from. He will no doubt try to mitigate it and say that he was just curious yada, yada. Hmmmm. Maybe, maybe not!

Watch your credit card statements carefully. If he seems to be retaining mail or paying statement(s) himself or changing any habits or acting differently, you will have more confirmation that there is trouble on the rise! :confused:

Daizee Im sorry you found what you did, but I agree with the others, DONT ignore it and DONT blame yourself. Get your thoughts together and confront him. Find out whats going on, what he's looking for and why (this has nothing to do with lack of sex during the past 2 weeks). You love your husband and want your marriage to work---COMMUNICATE but he needs to do to the same; he needs to own up to whatever made him put a personal ad on the internet. :mad:

One thing about Match.com is that unless you PAY, you cannot write or even respond to messages. Just might give you a lil bit of comfort to know that Daizee.
Hugs and good luck to you

Hi daizeemay. I'm sorry you are going through this - what a horrible thing to find... But, (I know others probably won't agree with me here) I wouldn't worry too much about it just yet. Until you talk to your husband about it - it's hard to know why he did it. At this point, for all you know, he could have just been bored sitting in the house alone, and did it for fun, to just check it out, and had no intention of responding to anyone. I'd suggest talking to him about it as unconfrontationally as possible, so he can talk openly about it.

Sometimes these things are good wake up calls for our relationships. But also, don't blame yourself - if he's unhappy in the marriage someway, he should be talking to you about it.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

I do disagree... Don't worry about it yet!??!?!?! HE could of just been doing it out of bordem!?!??!?! NO EXCUSE!!!!!

Anyone that is trully Commited to someone would feel NO REASON to log onto a dating website and look for someone else. That is far from Inocent!

I agree this could be a eye opener for a relationship, it shows that he is not happy. Is that Her fault? A lot of times NO! Its the other person's issues. but we don't know his side of the story, but at any rate he should not been online on dating sites! He is pretty much advertising for an affair!

Daize, as hard as it is, as painful as it is, as scared as you are you need to confront him. Trust me on this... I have been there, TWICE with the same guy and I have delt with the pain, the hurt, this mistrust, and it only gets worse if you don't confront it. Your in a horrible position right now and I'm sorry, I really am. *Hugs* It could get worst, he could lie, he could admit to not being happy, it could go ALOT of ways, BUT you need to deal with this head on, no matter how painful it is and know there is NO excuse for HIS behavior.......

Alright, let me clarify here. In no way do I mean to say that its not a big deal, or to not address the issue. What I was trying to say, was to not do these things until you give him a chance to explain what he was doing. However, Softiee, I can totally understand where you are coming from, having been hurt by this TWICE (ugh - that's awful!). Maybe I'm just out to lunch on this and too trusting or casual about it. I just think if your guy is going to cheat, there's a million ways for him to do it - you just have to trust.

I think it's incredibly important to talk to him, and get it in the open, and nip this in the bud if something is going on. But at this point, if he just logged on to look, it doesn't seem a whole lot different than looking at a pretty girl walk by, if he had no intent to make contact, just to look.

Well..it has been eating me up inside, so about 20 minutes after he got home from work I told him something was bothering me? He says what? I asked him if he really loved me and he says of course, and I even ask him if he thought about leaving me? He says No the thought never cross his mind and that he was happy and gave me a kiss. He then asked me why I asked, and I said you know and that I caught him - he looked at me confused and asked what I was talking about? I then asked him what was going on in Match.com? He then was like Oh with a grin on his face and started to laugh a bit and said he was just fooling around that when he was doing his research the AD kept popping up so he was just "satisfying it" :rolleyes: . He told me it was nothing and he had no intentions to go further, etc..and said he wasn't going to pay and that they better not charge him etc. I told him that if I did that he would be very upset, even if it was just something stupid and inocent - and he agreed. So at this point, I do believe him since it was the first time this has happened. I do feel much better, if anything else he knows I know and caught him he probably got a little scared!

I do agree with Cabin Fever when she says it could be just like he was looking at another girl walking by, plus he asked me if I noticed anything on his profile that was familiar, and I say well yeah you were describing our marriage and me. He said that was right. :)

Now even though the trust is still there, but I will be curious when ever he goes online, and take some small notes if anything changes in his lifestyle (coming home later, not routinely calling on his way home from work, etc)

Things are very good and I feel so much better...everyone gave me such wonderful advice and hope someday I will be able to give others the same good advice and opinions. :D

I maybe being Cynical here, but sorry Daize I don't buy it.....

I wish you the best and hope things work out, but gut feeling here, I think your possibly in for some heartbreak down the road....

Best of luck!

Just another FYI about Match.com--you dont have to put in a credit card number to do a free profile. Just the paying ones, so if you notice a charge he def. didnt do it just for kicks---he did it to communicate with other women.
I agree with Softiee, I'd still be angry and suspicious---BUT, im glad you talked to him and like you said, keep your eyes peeled now and listen to your instincts.
Good luck with it!

I';m glad you confronted him, but I'm afraid I totally agree with Sofitee...in my opinion there is absolutely no excuse to put a profile on a dating site when you are a married person. I hope he's tellilng you the truth and you have nothing to worry about..but I agree with everyone who says listen to your gut. I have never found my instincts to be wrong on that count. Good luck!

Glad to hear it doesn't seem like anything is going on. It seems to me from his reaction - laughing instead of getting defensive - that he's being honest with you. Unless he's a very good manipulative liar, but if you two have a great relationship otherwise, I don't see that being the case. Anyhow, like others have said, you'll be able to tell on the credit card statements whether anything is going on. But he says he's happy, you feel like you are happy, so I'd say it's all good. :)

I too think he wasnt really looking for anything. If he was he would have jumped on that computer the next day looking for replies and junk.
Keep talking, and most importantly, make time for your sex life. 2 or 3 times a month is not healthy. Sex is not only sex, its a time to feel closeness, intimacy and share yourselves fully. Lack of it can destroy a marraige. You have to put it up there on the list of important priorities.
Think of a simple thing like this, I assume that everyday your hubby takes a shower. Next time be ready, and have a pretty black slip on... step into the shower and ask "may I join you?" the water dripping on your clothes and body alone will make his eyes and other parts pop out!! Try it this weekend.
No matter what your age gap, you have to do the little things like that to keep it spicy, besides its fun planning a little surprise now and then. ;)

stay happily married,
TL

Hi there...

I'm sorry your going thru this... I for one have never been in this situation... but I would totally agree with Softee.. I know she has been thru this also....

My girlfriend at work just petitioned for Divorce on her husband for Dating sites and porn etc... so It happens and unfortunatly becomes an Unhealthy obsession....

As far as the Sex being less...... Their is a lot more to intimacy and love than just sex... And it's VERY common for people with children to not be able to... expecially if your a working mom and dad.....

My son is 9 months old... and I'm a full time working mom and a full time mother and so is my husband.... We both love each other very much and Probably are intimate about the same 2 to 3 times a month.... and Each time is special but we both know right now we need take care of our children first.. and take care of you... we definatly need 8 hours sleep here or we are both no good the next day..... we cuddle at night... give kisses and hugs..and say I love you everyday but sometimes just way to tired to have sex.... we don't like 1 min sessions so... I wouldn't be worried about him leaving because of the sex... If he loves you he knows and if it's an issue he should be upfront and tell you about it..... Understanding will work here...

:)

Keep Your eyes and ears open.... It's good you confronted him... and go on but If you do find more than You may have to take it to a different level...

Good Luck and Keep us Posted!!

Yes I agree with you that there is alot more to intimacy than sex. I have 2 kids 15 and 7, so maybe they are not so demanding, but we both work also. I just think its really important to make time for youselves as an intimate couple. Snuggling hugs and kisses are not the same. You can get hugs and kisses from your kids, cant you?

Anyway I dont want to ruffle any feathers. Just suggesting something different than everyone else.

I don't mean to shock anyone with what I'm about to say, but for centuries people have been getting married for the better and for the worst. Almost all marriages have ups and downs, men almost never talk about the down period, they usually indulge themselves in activities in order to get their minds away from what's been bothering them. Even if the marriage itself is going smoothly, something else might be bothering him and he needs some time out.

Men entertain themselves and can even go as far as flirting with other women. Sometimes they need to prove to themselves their ability to seduce. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in ANY WAY approving infidelity of any sort. I've been cheated on before and believe me I know how terribly that hurts.

Things have changed, men used to go to pubs or bars to chat with other women but now they can simply chat on internet. It doesn't mean that they are hoping to go beyond chatting, it's not fair but they do it anyway. If they are in a situation where cheating becomes irresistable, they will do it with or without internet. Hire a private detective and they'll still find ways to sneak out.

I think if a man is unhappy in his marriage and the problem is getting serious, he gives away signs that are instantly detectable by women. Women have a great intuition and can notice even small changes in attitude or levels of devotion. I believe that if your husband had issues concerning your marriage, you would have sensed it already.

I would not make a big deal about it, not make him feel guilty or awful, it will only make things worse. Why not look at the larger picture and consider things in the long run. Why spoil a marriage after the very first unpleasant incident ? Consider this episode as one of the worst, accept the fact that he has his moments of weakness, make some extra effort to be more attentive to his needs for now and watch out for signals or serious red flags.

Some men have even been weak enough to have affairs at some point in their married lives and then came running back to the person they truly love and that is their wives.

Ask old couples who walk hand in hand in the park, still in love, always caring and affectionate, you'll find out that they also have had their difficult times.

(I know I'm going to get yelled at :( )