Relationship Apologies

One theme I've noticed on some of these threads is that people seem to apologize for their relationships. They say something like: "I'm not attracted to older men (or younger women, or younger men, etc...), we just 'stumbled into' a relationship. We didn't mean to. We wish we were the same age, blah, blah, blah". Some of these threads sound more like a support group for victims than a board for people to encourage and inspire eachother. I understand that love "just happens" to some people. But please admit that there are people out there who are genuinely attracted to other-aged people; both men and women, in both categories (YW/OM & OW/YM). We don't need to apologize for it, act like it's not "what we were looking for", or pretend that these relationships are all accidental. Different people have different needs, and there's nothing wrong with having an age preference. That includes young women who are genuinely attracted to older men, without being gold diggers, home wreckers, power/status hungry, or any of the other negative stereotypes that are associated with it. One poor man started a thread asking women what they like about older men, and all he got was a cascade of "Oh not me.... I'm not atracted to older men....". That certainly didn't answer his question.

I hope I didn't offend anyone; I'm just expressing my opinion, for what it's worth.

SummerBob, here is my take. I don't believe that people on this board feel like victims but I do think that what you are describing IS one of the main reasons why this board is here. I also think this board is for support of those who truly are attracted to OM/YW.

I was with my OM, the love of my life, for 3 years, the best of my life. I was 19 and he was 53 when we first got together. He was truly a magnificent man - I loved him more than I would have ever dreamed of loving someone. It was my first (and only real) OM/YW relationship and I used this board for support. My family and friends didn't understand at first and this board was a huge help for me. I didn't have a problem with the age gap and didn't really even think about it except when confronted with it and still I didn't care. I needed help explaining us to my people. I was not attracted to him because he was older but because he and I shared all the same passions and life goals. I would be lying to say that we never had any age issues but they were more generational ideas, not personal. Does that make sense? And we adjusted to those issues and were fine. Finally, my family and friends accepted him and became close with him as well.

Now that he is gone however, I find myself most attracted to considerably older men. I am with a man 9 years older than me (he is 33 and I'm 24) and he and my 16 year old brother are just alike. It drives me crazy! Honestly, I feel like the older partner in the relationship! We can't even carry on a conversation about anything important. Needless to say, this is not a lifetime relationship for me. I find myself hoping to meet an older gentleman. I think now I'm needing this board for support in of WANTING to date older men. I do want to mention that this is not a "father figure" issue. I have a WONDERFUL father whom I see almost every day. The truth is I could be wanting an older man because of the wonderful relationship I had with one in the past and am hoping to recapture that.

Well after all that, what I'm trying to say is let's not try and limit this board to one way or the other. It helps so many different people in so many different situations. Just keep posting!!

Well, I see two sorts of broad categories of people in AG relationships - and I think this has been discussed on here before. There's the people that are not particularly attracted to those younger or older than their own age group, and there's those that are. And both are fine. IMO, identifying where you are coming from - ie. stating that you aren't attracted to OM for example, but fell in love with one - vs. stating that you have always been attracted to OM - illustrates and provides context for whatever particular problem you have or are helping someone address.

For example, someone who is attracted to older men may question their reasons for it, or their friends or family may question it - and this may be the problem they are here at Ageless to address. On the other hand, someone who fell in love with an older man may be trying to weight whether they can handle the age gap and if the relationship is worth it to them.

For myself, I didn't want a relationship with an older man, and I DO wish we were closer in age. I don't see it as a benefit at all, but as a drawback that I'm willing to accept. This is just my experience, and it may be very different from other members. These differences are a GOOD thing because our variety of experiences and opinions results in a greater ability to help different people, who also have different problems and experiences.

Cabin Fever,
Does your OM know you feel this way ... that you love in in spite of his age and see his age as a drawback? Does it bother him any? I think it would bother me if I knew my YW felt that way.

Summerbob, yeah he knows, lol. That's for sure! He pursued me for several years, and age was one of the things I worried about (mostly because he wasn't open about it!) - though it's not one of the primary issues. For me, I was just very reluctant to get into a relationship at all when I met him (heartbreak from previous relationship), and was concerned about his reasons for being attracted to me (ie. did he value me for me, or for my age and youth) and was also concerned about what would happen in the future if I let down my guard and let myself fall for him - ie. the issues of kids, him slowing down etc.

We've been open about all the issues and he also has age-related concerns of whether I'm going to leave him one day for someone younger. But, we've also come to the conclusion that we have a great, healthy relationship which we are both very happy with, and there is no point in denying that and so are enjoying it for what it is right now.

I'm curious as to why it would bother you? To me it just increases the likelihood that we'll have less quality time together and it makes me sad - I also wish we could be going through some things at the same time as well. Too bad we didn't hook up when I was 15 and he was 31! :eek: Just kidding! But, I do feel like I've missed out on sharing so much of his life.

It's interesting though that it seems your relationship is very different from ours! :) Looking forward to hearing more of your perspective!

*steps forward and raises hand*

My name is ravenglow and I love younger men.....*clears throat*
I am interested in dating younger men and find myself attracted to them much more-so than men who are older than me or even my age.
I am about to turn 37, not in an exclusive relationship with anyone, and in the past 6 months have dated several guys ranging in age from 20 years old to 30 years old.


Thank you, Thank you.....:D

For the most part that is what I am most bothered about the fact that I will probably be a widow and at a younger age....But I still love him more then life and do not regret being with him...

LovelyLolita: I can totally relate. People tend to think that the reason I'm with my OM (28 yrs. difference) is because I need a "father". Ha! My father is a wonderful, supportive man... yes, he was "there for me" all throughout my childhood and continues to be. it has nothing to do with wanting a father.

I didn't think twice about falling for an OM! I will admit that the fact he was older was in fact a turn-on! I cannot imagine being wiht a man closer in age to me... I mean, I was... at one time... but it was awful. Of course, that is not to paint all young men with the same brush... I understand that... but I just feel so much more comfortable with an OM. To me it's just natural and actually quite ideal (and NOT because he "has money" as people like to assume... because he doesn't... :D But rather, because he is so wonderful and kind and just all around amazing!

Cherubino,
Your message was well put, and I never really thought about what you said until reading these posts. It is true that, to some extent or other, we all generalize and attach certain characteristics to people of particular demographics groups, whether they be age groups, races, religious groups.. etc. I think alot of older men see young women as "playful and innocent", and that may be the attraction there.

I was single in my mid 30s, and women my age just didn't appeal to me for whatever reason. Part of it, I think, is that I didn't date in high school or college and was 30 before I had my first serious relationsip. I was a very late bloomer, and perhaps I was trying to "make up for lost time". The other problem was that most women near my age had kids that were 10, 12 and as old as 16 in some cases! I just didn't feel ready at that point to deal with a strange teenage step-child from another father.

My wife, being from the Philippines, is in a demographic group that is believed to be "submissive". She is a very good and very loving wife. Yet, in reality, she's probably not more submissive than many American or other women. She's not more submissive than my other girlfriends were, but I do believe she's more mature.

Hello there my name is rkstud632 i will be 30 in May and i have dated outside my age my first gf was 15 and i was 23 (don't worry folks i am not nuts and no i didn't do anything i shouldn't have ) what was i thinking there who knows, then when i was 24 i dated a 18 year old who parents thought i wasn't right and they still give me that look to this day in public, then when i was 26 i met an ow who was 45 at the time , my first real love someone i was head over heels crazy in love with but in 3 years did she kick my heart out when she dumped me for a man closer to her age and then he dumped her , she had something special, ME and didn't realize it , do i feel sad , sometimes but i no longer regret it , do i miss certain things absolutly but what my OW/YM relationship did teach me is how to love someone and i look forward to my next relationship whether it be with an older or younger woman it depends on whom God decides to send my way.

You do realize that there are TWO competing psychological theories regarding age-gap relationships. The first is the one you pointed out - that a younger woman falls for an older man because she didn't have a good relationship with her father and so is subconsciously seeking a father figure to compensate. The second theory is that a younger woman falls for an older man because she had a wonderful relationship with her father (i.e. "daddy's little girl")

And I think one of the main psychological theories regarding men who seek out younger women is that they had some deficiencies in their younger years, and are trying to go back and "re-live" high school/college/youth. It's the "living in the past" theme. You see it over and over on shows that portray these relationships. I resent this notion because it is so oversimplified, and is yet another one of those *stereotypes*. I was a 35-year old professional software engineer when I met my 20-year old. My goal was not to meet her so I could hang out at dorm parties, take her to school dances or sign eachother's yearbooks. Get real!!