I don't want to live a double life anymore

Hi everyone! I know that I don't post much anymore, but I am always around!

I need some serious help right now. I am seeing a therapist, but that is such a slooooowwww process.

My story is actually really long with a lot of strange details, but I will try to give you the short version.

As some of you may know, G and I have been together for over 5 years (WOW).
I basically moved in with him at the end of December. However, I still have some reservations for a number of reasons. The problem is that I think that my perception is foggy because this relationship is still a secret.

If my story seems strange, that is because it is. My parents found out about our relationship over 3 years ago. There was a MASSIVE blow up over it that really traumatized me. My father has not spoken to me since and my mother has only acknowledged that G is in my life (and it was a half-a**ed attempt) twice. I also have not talked to her about it.

For the past 5 years, I have been living a lie. Almost every single day, I lie (and I HATE lying) to someone in my family. It is eating away at me, it was eating away at this relationship. But I am SOOOO scared to just come out in the open about it. I feel like our relationship has hit a wall and it is mostly due to the fact that I have not allowed myself to be in it 100% because of this overwhelming fear I have.

Right now I am on the fence, but it is time to either "come out" or move on (meaning end the relationship). It would not be fair to anyone to continue on this way. I have not been fair . . .

G doesn't realize how much this eats away at me; he may even think that I am content with keeping my two lives separate. I don't let him know how much it is killing me. This is also not fair . . .

I do not know how to get over this fear. I do not know how I would phisically bring myself to telling them. But I feel like the only way that I will ever give this relationship a fair chance is by being in it fully. Does that make sense?
It is almost ridiculous, I know. But the fear is overwhelming.

Thanks for reading. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

What's the age gap? Guess I have open minded parents. Age has never been an issue with my family members. I've dated women 20 yrs older and some quite a bit younger too. The age gap worries were always on my partners behalf until they got used to it. Wow, haven't spoken to the Dad in 3 yrs, eh? Sounds like they have their mind made up period. Hard decisions to make. Good luck.

:eek:

If there is anything I have learned from the time I have been with Stephy, it has been that I had to come clean about several important items in my past. Two of those items were so serious they nearly ended the relationship.

1. I did not always walk the straight and narrow path. In 2003, there was a period of time where I backslid from God, and got caught up in the adult online community. I was a regular in several adult chatrooms, and had indulged in X-rated goings-on with numerous women I met online. Stephy caught me one evening when she came online (she was in Kansas), and noticed I had "View My Webcam" on. She was very irate with me, and rightly so. I was being a dog.

2. I was caught up in an abusive church, or I should say a cult, for 17 years. I had left just a few months before I met Stephy; she noticed when she arrived at my place that the people in the neighborhood all acted strange. She confronted me about the living arrangements and wondered why a single E-6 in the military was living in a section 8 apartment complex. I finally broke down and explained to her all about my involvement in the cult, and how I finally broke free. I was riding out my lease until it expired, and then I was going to leave. When I told what all I was required to do while I was in the cult - especially the way single men were expected to give large sums of the money to the organization - it was almost too much. Stephy came very close to leaving that night.

I want to say this - do not hold back secrets, no matter how difficult. Honesty will help the relationship.

Well, part of me says that what you are not doing is acknoledging what you already know and what your parents seem to know. You are in a relationship that they do not like. Just because you don't acknowledge it does not mean they don't realize it is what it is. So telling them is probably of little consequence, and what, after all, can they do.

At the same time, what does it feel like for your guy to know you have not stepped up and claimed him. How would you feel if you were the women kept on the side, who never got shown any affection in public? Could not hold hands walking down the street? Never kissed in public? You may do these things, but my point is that he probably knows he is not acknowledged.

You cannot force your parents to accept him, and you don't have to cut yourself off from your parents to openly declare yourself in the relationship. however, sooner or later in a relationship, we have to put our necks out for our partners. And if you go so far as married, you had better be prepared to choose your spouse over your parents.

You are right, you need to make a move. How to make it? I don't know beyond getting up the courage and accepting that your parents may reject you if you tell them. But which would you choose, him or them?

What great advice guys!!

Moon ... You can't live a lie.. and you both have created a solid relationship.... I think you should tell them.. They need to understand that this is your life and not theirs .. You love them very much but YOU need to make the decisions for YOUR OWN life.....

I have very open minded parents and they love my husband.... but I was scared at first because I thought they would NEVER approve but they did.....

You need to do what makes YOU happy .... you don't live your life to make others happy!

:eek:

If there is anything I have learned from the time I have been with Stephy, it has been that I had to come clean about several important items in my past. Two of those items were so serious they nearly ended the relationship.

1. I did not always walk the straight and narrow path. In 2003, there was a period of time where I backslid from God, and got caught up in the adult online community. I was a regular in several adult chatrooms, and had indulged in X-rated goings-on with numerous women I met online. Stephy caught me one evening when she came online (she was in Kansas), and noticed I had "View My Webcam" on. She was very irate with me, and rightly so. I was being a dog.

2. I was caught up in an abusive church, or I should say a cult, for 17 years. I had left just a few months before I met Stephy; she noticed when she arrived at my place that the people in the neighborhood all acted strange. She confronted me about the living arrangements and wondered why a single E-6 in the military was living in a section 8 apartment complex. I finally broke down and explained to her all about my involvement in the cult, and how I finally broke free. I was riding out my lease until it expired, and then I was going to leave. When I told what all I was required to do while I was in the cult - especially the way single men were expected to give large sums of the money to the organization - it was almost too much. Stephy came very close to leaving that night.

I want to say this - do not hold back secrets, no matter how difficult. Honesty will help the relationship.


What does this mean:
"She confronted me about the living arrangements and wondered why a single E-6 in the military was living in a section 8 apartment complex. "

Gee, after 17 years, what finally tipped you off that you were in a cult?

What does this mean:
"She confronted me about the living arrangements and wondered why a single E-6 in the military was living in a section 8 apartment complex. "

Gee, after 17 years, what finally tipped you off that you were in a cult?

I think he meant that ... he was living in an awful area for the amount of money he should have been getting to afford better living arangements.

About the abusive church, Maybe wv was in denial about it at first. Sometimes people don't want to admit being wrong about things until they choose to surrender to a higher power.


Sorry, Im not wvdreamer, but that's what I read into it.

I think he meant that ... he was living in an awful area for the amount of money he should have been getting to afford better living arangements.

About the abusive church, Maybe wv was in denial about it at first. Sometimes people don't want to admit being wrong about things until they choose to surrender to a higher power.


Sorry, Im not wvdreamer, but that's what I read into it.

I am constantly amazed by these 'I was in a cult and didn't know it' stories. I hate to sound rude, but come on, now! 17 years?

Maybe I'm lucky I was a philosophy major...but I can see through almost anybody...

:eek:

If there is anything I have learned from the time I have been with Stephy, it has been that I had to come clean about several important items in my past. Two of those items were so serious they nearly ended the relationship.

1. I did not always walk the straight and narrow path. In 2003, there was a period of time where I backslid from God, and got caught up in the adult online community. I was a regular in several adult chatrooms, and had indulged in X-rated goings-on with numerous women I met online. Stephy caught me one evening when she came online (she was in Kansas), and noticed I had "View My Webcam" on. She was very irate with me, and rightly so. I was being a dog.

2. I was caught up in an abusive church, or I should say a cult, for 17 years. I had left just a few months before I met Stephy; she noticed when she arrived at my place that the people in the neighborhood all acted strange. She confronted me about the living arrangements and wondered why a single E-6 in the military was living in a section 8 apartment complex. I finally broke down and explained to her all about my involvement in the cult, and how I finally broke free. I was riding out my lease until it expired, and then I was going to leave. When I told what all I was required to do while I was in the cult - especially the way single men were expected to give large sums of the money to the organization - it was almost too much. Stephy came very close to leaving that night.

I want to say this - do not hold back secrets, no matter how difficult. Honesty will help the relationship.


Ask yourself if the following criteria apply to the group you are concerned about.

1.

A destructive cult tends to be totalitarian in its control of its members' behavior. Cults are likely to dictate in great detail not only what members believe, but also what members wear and eat, when and where members work, sleep, and bathe, and how members think, speak, and conduct familial, marital, or sexual relationships.
2.

A destructive cult tends to have an ethical double standard. Members are urged to be obedient to the cult, to carefully follow cult rules. They are also encouraged to be revealing and open in the group, confessing all to the leaders. On the other hand, outside the group they are encouraged to act unethically, manipulating outsiders or nonmembers, and either deceiving them or simply revealing very little about themselves or the group. In contrast to destructive cults, honorable groups teach members to abide by one set of ethics and act ethically and truthfully to all people in all situations.
3.

A destructive cult has only two basic purposes: recruiting new members and fund-raising. Altruistic movements, established religions, and other honorable groups also recruit and raise funds. However, these actions are incidental to an honorable group's main purpose of improving the lives of its members and of humankind in general. Destructive cults may claim to make social contributions, but in actuality such claims are superficial and only serve as gestures or fronts for recruiting and fund-raising. A cult's real goal is to increase the prestige and often the wealth of the leader.
4.

A destructive cult appears to be innovative and exclusive. The leader claims to be breaking with tradition, offering something novel, and instituting the ONLY viable system for change that will solve life's problems or the world's ills. But these claims are empty and only used to recruit members who are then surreptitiously subjected to mind control to inhibit their ability to examine the actual validity of the claims of the leader and the cult.
5.

A destructive cult is authoritarian in its power structure. The leader is regarded as the supreme authority. He or she may delegate certain power to a few subordinates for the purpose of seeing that members adhere to the leader's wishes. There is no appeal outside his or her system to a greater system of justice. For example, if a schoolteacher feels unjustly treated by a principal, an appeal can be made to the superintendent. In a destructive cult, the leader claims to have the only and final ruling on all matters.
6.

A destructive cult's leader is a self-appointed messianic person claiming to have a special mission in life. For example, leaders of flying saucer cults claim that beings from outer space have commissioned them to lead people away from Earth, so that only the leaders can save them from impending doom.
7.

A destructive cult's leader centers the veneration of members upon himself or herself. Priests, rabbis, ministers, democratic leaders, and other leaders of genuinely altruistic movements focus the veneration of adherents on God or a set of ethical principles. Cult leaders, in contrast, keep the focus of love, devotion, and allegiance on themselves.
8.

A destructive cult's leader tends to be determined, domineering, and charismatic. Such a leader effectively persuades followers to abandon or alter their families, friends, and careers to follow the cult. The leader then takes control over followers' possessions, money, time, and lives.

If you know someone who belongs to a group that demonstrates a significant number of these warning signs and you would like more information on how to deal with destructive cults or mind control, go to www.factnet.org.

Now have a look at Thought Reform Exists

Moon, what is your age gap? He is the older one, right? And tell us, what exactly is it that you fear most? I mean it sounds to me from your post like your father has already decided he isn't speaking to you. And you say you haven't talked to your mother. So, who exactly is it in your family that you are currently lying to? And what is it that you fear most will happen if they all know you are involved with G?

Thanks Kat :)

G is older, he is 45 and I am 26.

Whiterose, you asked some good questions.
I am not entirely sure what I fear most. I think that I am scared that there will be a blow up again. This may sound strange, but I have gotten used to the way things are (like not having a relationship with my father). I am scared of disrupting it again. I haven't give the details of the blow up, but it again it was pretty devastating and I am terrified of reliving it.

I am not sure what I am so scared of, but I know that even at the THOUGHT of telling my family I get extremely anxious and tense and I begin to feel physically ill.

As far as who I am lying to . . . well, obviously not my father :rolleyes:
I lie to my mother on a regular basis because of my fear. Small things, like when she asks me "where are you?" And it isn't just the lying, it is also that I can't be open. I have never said to my mother "G and I are going to . . ." Did that make sense? I shouldn't say that I lie to everyone. I am honest with my sister and my aunt, and my brother has recently started to become more open to the idea of me and G as a couple.

But then there is my Grandmother, who lives with my mother (and father). I lie to her. She will flat out ask me if I am seeing anyone, and I will FLAT OUT say "no!" That is just WRONG! And then I leave feeling like cr*p. And that is the severity of the lying with the rest of my family which includes, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. It may seem like those people shouldn't matter, but let me explain.
Have you seen "Big Fat Greek Wedding?" Yeah, well, that's us.

Culturally, extended family is just as important as the nuclear (sp?) family. I lie to them (again) because of my fear; I know that if I told anyone of them the truth, it would get right back to my parents. And, my parents are so concerned with "image" ( :mad: grrrrr . . .) that it would be worse for them to hear it from someone else. KWIM?

Okay, I know that this seems so ridiculous, but it is very real and I am very seriously feeling crazy. Most days I want to say "to h*ll with everyone" and just go start my life over BY MYSELF" But then (I think because of the culture) I have it so deeply ingrained in me that "family is all you have" that I don't know how to walk away from them, even though they totally contradict that statement.

:confused: I'm feeling pretty off now, so I will be back.

moon big hugs to you. yr agegap is the same as dan and me but in reverse.

My only piece of advice to you is stop lying to yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks whether they are family or not. You on the other hand have to live 24/7 with yourself and answer to yourself. Self assessment, self appraisal, self respect they all go together.

Its great that you are seeing a counsellor, maybe together you can map out how you can turn this situation around. You have some fairly entrenched behaviours in place that didn't get there overnight. You've woven a tapestry, hey you can unpick it, unravel it, start again on a fresh one.

I think your big extended family would be more upset to know that you have lied to them and excluded them from sharing your happiness. If they love you and can see this person makes you happy then they will accept your relationship. if they don't drop them. You are old enough to make choices about the impact other people's judgement has on you.

Oh yeah and Orns its a shame your "philosophy major" didn't give you insight into your own judgemental attitudes - doesn't sound like it expanded your thought processes at al.

Moon, I completely agree with what freespirit had to say above...all of it.

You're 26. It's time to stand up and be proud of your entire life, including your 5 year relationship.

It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing proposition from you. You don't have to jam it down anyone's throat (not that you sound like you would). It may take some patience and effort on your part to bring some people around. It may take some time for some folks to get used to the idea. It may take some longer than others, even. Some may never come around. But you cannot live your life for anyone but YOU.

Also, the lying has negative effects in many ways, on many people, especially you, my dear. You are always conscious of the fact that you are lying or hiding something. You are unable to fully share the events of your day, your life, with your family. This must in some way make you sad. It limits your emotional connection with them.

P.S. - You are lucky to have an extended family that stays in touch. Sometimes it may not feel like it (*smile*) but take it from someone who has a family where people don't talk to each other for years at a time...you're lucky.

Question: Do you WANT things to be normal, for you to be able to bring your boyfriend over for Sunday dinner with granny (or whatever normal is for your family)? Are you comfortable with the AG and your family?

How are you doing Moon???

Moon, I was in a reverse situation to yours...I was 53 and YM was 26 when we broke up after close to four years....and the straw was me pushing for him to finally reveal me to his family. You don't say whether or not your b/f includes you in his family's life, but I can tell you that I fully integrated my YM into mine, and he never did me into his.

How does your b/f feel about this?

I know my YM felt very much as you do about family support, and feeling like he would lose that if his parents/siblings knew about me. That always felt so demeaning and invalidating to me.

Ultimately I think it is a matter of maturing and deciding to stand on your own two feet and not worry what others think of you as an adult woman moving forward in the world confidently. I'm glad you are in therapy about this issue. Hope it helps.

Thanks ladies. I am feeling very grateful for the support I am receiving from all of you!


Do you WANT things to be normal, for you to be able to bring your boyfriend over for Sunday dinner with granny (or whatever normal is for your family)? Are you comfortable with the AG and your family?

Yes, in a perfect world I would want for things to be "normal"; to be able to bring G around my family. However, believe me when I say that this will most likely never happen. I have actually come to terms with that, so that part of it is not a huge issue for me. EXCEPT that my sister will be getting married next year and it does sadden me to think that G won't be there to share the experience with us.

To be honest, I don't know if I am totally comfortable with the AG and my family because I haven't had the opportunity to experience it. When G and I first got involved, I had no idea that my family would react the way that they did when they found out. There are several AG relationships in my family and culturally AG relationships are not unusual. As for now, because of the drama and my lying, I am not comfortable with the thought of G and my family, period, AG or not. Did that make sense?

You are always conscious of the fact that you are lying or hiding something.

YES! And it is eating away at me. I also hold so many secrets; not only my own personal secrets, but many of my family secrets. I am the keeper of secrets and I am drowning in them!

You are unable to fully share the events of your day, your life, with your family. This must in some way make you sad. It limits your emotional connection with them.

And it also limits my emotional connection with G and this new family that I have formed with him and his kids.

You have some fairly entrenched behaviours in place that didn't get there overnight.

Absolutely! That is why this is all so hard.

You don't say whether or not your b/f includes you in his family's life,

Yes, he does. And they are all very accepting and I feel that they all really like me.

How does your b/f feel about this?

He thinks it is all really warped. He gets upset when I am upset over it. He doesn't understand how a parent can "disown" their child or not talk to them for so long (which it will actually be 4 years in May). At the same time, he will occassionally tell me that he doesn't understand why I "don't just get over it."

I don't think he feels like he is missing out on much. He knows that there is a lot of disfunction in my family (although I don't think he believes the extent of it) and he saw some of it first hand when they found out about him. So I don't think he is dying to go have dinner with any of them :rolleyes:

What does bother him is that depending on where we are (e.g., places where I feel like someone might know my family), I shy away from showing ANY affection in public . This does bother him and I honor that so I try very hard to get over my fear for just those moments. Unfortunately, now what has happened is that I will do everything in my power to avoid those places/situations even though many of them I would rather not avoid. KWIM?

Today I was feeling really anxious about it all, but reading all of your replies has helped. I reread all of them today and just knowing that there are people who support me and my relationship is SO helpful. I guess sometimes I do question our relationship and whether or not it is "wrong" or "abnormal" because I have so little support. Thank you. :)

You know... I find it kind of sad you'd consider letting G go when the dysfunctional part of your life is YOUR family who already cut you off.

If you have a good family life with G and his kids, you LOVE him, you're a part of his extended family, why not just cut your losses with your dysfunctional family?

And I think part of why I'm saying this is that YOUR family will never, ever believe or accept your commitment to G when your not willing to SHOW your commitment to him. How can they adjust to something you hide?

My parents FREAKED OUT when I told them about Litical. HIS parents freaked out. Oh it was ugly. But, we stood together, faced both sets and whatever they had to hurl at us and thereby proved our commitment to each other!

Why you would WANT to carry your family's secrets and burdens, I cannot fathom. The only person who can let them go is you... holding onto needing the acceptance of a bunch of people who won't accept YOU no matter what you do strikes me as a lose-lose situation.

You're already disowned. You're lying and carrying an unnecessary burden and it is weighing down on you. So. Hand the burden back where it belongs and stand up for what you truly want.

And you know leaving G and the GOOD life you have is not what you want!!

My sister, who I have a serious love/hate relationship with, gave me some major sage advice back when my Mom was still really negative about Litical (she's not anymore!)... she said, "I long since stopped caring what anyone else thought of me... why haven't you?"

The only person who truly has to live with you is YOU.

~phosphorescent

Moon Fos's sister is so so right... why do you care what these people think of you. You are not living with them in a warm caring relationship that is mutually supportive. You are fast becoming their latrine, where they dump their sh*t and then get on with their dysfunctional lives, minus you.

You're quote says it all "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

Give it up!!!! You have spent actively 4 years living a double edged sword. You decided to do that. If you can decide to do that, you can decide to do anything. Their opinion at this point is just that an opinion, not a mantra or some kind of religion that dictates to you, an adult, how to live your life.

Tell them to get stuffed, start telling them individually that you will not keep the secret they have asked you to. Start being honest. Hate to be the cold voice of reason, but dishonesty eats away at the soul, and if your own moral code is to practice integrity then you can't keep other people's secrets, and still sleep at night, cause your denying your own inner truths in doing that.

What are they going to do..disown you. Chance would be a fine thing. These people are toxic and you are becoming like them. Get over it, get on with it, do whatever it takes. The price you may have to pay if you don't is to let go of love, which sounds like what they have done. Love is honest, and open, not deceitful and dirty. Sounds like you may need some counselling to help you work through the damage, but you will be amazed at the strength you find inside you when you start saying no and standing up for what you believe in, yourself and your love.

Think I don't know, well I walked away from my toxic family about 6 years ago, never did play their games, but missed not having displays of love and acceptance, and ended up being the oppositional defiant one. Now they still contact me, although my parents haven't for 4 years. I'm nice to them, have a conversation, don't tell them much about my personal life coz I don't want to open that portal, and then say goodbye. Daniel finds it hard, like your partner, he wants to go down there and "talk to them" like my 4 brothers and I haven't tried lol, but thats just the way it is. I have never stopped living my life independently because of them, its too short and so much happens. Hope you're ok, bestrong and brave, it'll be ok and you'll be free lotsa love chez

I was just saying earlier today sometimes I get upset with myself because I know that in a way I have allowed all of this to continue for so long by lying. I know that it is a choice I have made. :( But it is a choice I have made out of fear and fear can lead us to do things that might otherwise be out of character.

I find it kind of sad you'd consider letting G go when the dysfunctional part of your life is YOUR family who already cut you off.
Fos - I was also talking about this earlier today. You see, it's kind of strange, LOGICALLY I know all of what you have written, but I have not yet been able to disconnect it from the feelings I have in my body that seem to be almost cellular. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how to explain it better than that - I guess my emotions and fear are ruling right now.

holding onto needing the acceptance of a bunch of people who won't accept YOU no matter what you do strikes me as a lose-lose situation.

you are also right here. it is a lose-lose situation. and logically I know that they won't ever accept me. and part of me has already accepted that, but their may be a part of me that may still be holding on to a dream that will never happen. :confused: I have known my whole life that my parents love was not unconditional. But maybe I did not know exactly what that meant.

freespirit - yes, my quote is a good one isn't it? I keep that and the poem The Journey by Mary Oliver near me at all times as inspiration for times like this.

You are fast becoming their latrine, where they dump their sh*t and then get on with their dysfunctional lives, minus you.

I was saying this earlier too!!! This is exactly right. You all are some smart women!!!

I can't tell you how much all of your thoughts and support have been helping me. Thanks. :)

and logically I know that they won't ever accept me. and part of me has already accepted that, but their may be a part of me that may still be holding on to a dream that will never happen. :confused: I have known my whole life that my parents love was not unconditional. But maybe I did not know exactly what that meant.

This morning I listened to the whole of the Dark Side of the Moon (Pink Floyd) for the first time in 10 years. Why do I mention this? Well, because in song three, these lyrics LEAPT out at me and made me cry!!

Tired of lying in the sunshine, staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find, ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

I know, I know... why did I post that? LOL. Well... because its literally been TEN years since I heard the whole album and hearing it was CREEPY. Yet... ITS TRUE.

*Phossy pulls out her starting gun, points it at the sky... slaps Moon lightly upside the head and says... "ready?"*

Four years... four years is a long time to live a lie.

Fear can be truly debilitating, but you need to see that as an excuse.

And if you truly want the DREAM to come true (your folks accepting G in your life), you HAVE to come clean, stand up and FIRMLY tell them where you stand, what you're willing to risk to have him in your life!

If I had told my parents about Litical and then been willing to back down and bend to their distorted EXPECTATIONS (and that's what they are... your parents have expectations of you they are not willing to let go of until you MAKE them let go!), I would have lost the best thing that's ever happened to me. Not only that, I would have lost respect for myself.

I know not everyone can face confrontation with the same kind of strength and backbone... we're all different. BUT, people have been doing it for centuries. Think about the people back in the 60's who fell in love with people of a different race and how not just their families, but the whole of society discriminated against them! They still stood up for what they believed in... their love for each other. SOCIETY changed, because society was FORCED to change... by a few individuals who loved deeper than skin color! Or religion! OR AGE! The kids of mixed children were and are exotic beauties SOUGHT after and desired... they didn't come out all deformed and FREAKS. ROFLAO.

Anyway. Expectations cause the worst disasters in interpersonal relationships. Hey, I expect you ~ MY SON ~ to go to COLLEGE. If you don't, I'll disown you! :rolleyes: Do you remember Dead Poets Society? OMG. Neil! AAAHHH.

You run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking...

Don't find yourself ten years from now wishing you had DONE this. DO IT. Liberate yourself!!!

((((HUGS)))))
~phos

Woooo!! Kudos Phos!!... and Ditto MOON!!

*shares my box of Kleenex and (((Phos))) There are SO many songs that I relate to that in certain moods I can't even turn the stupid radio, MP3's, stereo, or whatever on! Pink Floyd's... Learning to Fly can have me in a heap of Kleenex, then again so can Mozart... ~sniff~ *

BUT, people have been doing it for centuries. Think about the people back in the 60's who fell in love with people of a different race and how not just their families, but the whole of society discriminated against them!

This just really resonated with me - puts my fear into perspective.

Your whole post was right on, and very thoughtful . . . thank you.

You run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking...

Don't find yourself ten years from now wishing you had DONE this. DO IT. Liberate yourself!!!

This is exactly what I intend to do . . . I am just trying to build up the courage to do it. The fear is in part an excuse, but it is also very real. Overcoming the fear is a process, but I think I am heading in the right direction. And I am so lucky to have so much support from all of you here. :)

Not only that, I would have lost respect for myself.
This is also sooooooo important. This is essentially what it is all about. Because in reality, I don't know if G and I will live happily ever after - there are no guarantees. But that shouldn't matter. I am not only wanting to come clean for the sake of my relationship; I want to come clean for ME or as you said to "liberate myself."

*Phossy pulls out her starting gun, points it at the sky... slaps Moon lightly upside the head and says... "ready?"*
(((hug))) Thanks . . . I am ready.

Four years has been far too long.

Fos ~

Time...that is my favorite, absolute favorite song of all time. And it often makes me cry, as well.

Thank you, thank you for posting those lyrics and re-sounding the starting gun. Very timely.


Moon, at 26, your starting gun rang out a while ago. Do not lollygag at the starting line, like I did.

If you're truly happy with the way things are, then fine. If you're not, do something about it soon, very soon. NO ONE else is going to change things FOR you.

Well, actually, someone could, when you're not quite ready. Now, that's a thought, isn't it? Don't you think you should 'out' yourself before someone else does it for you? You think it could never happen?

Trust me, the world gets smaller and smaller...every...single...day.

I was reminded of this very recently, with great clarity.

And Moon....some days it's not ten years that I realize that have gone by...but rather, some days I realize that TWENTY years have gone by in a couple blinks.

Me, when I look forward, I hope to see another 50 years or so. But, Moon, the funny thing is, that now that I've been through 39...FIFTY doesn't seem all that long anymore! I want to make sure that I spend each and every one of them in a way that makes me happy...happy in that true, deep, long-term sense of the word.

Fifty years seeming short...this may be a difficult concept at 26 but at 39, I'm pretty much in the middle of my life span, and it's amazing when you look in both directions.

The flip side of this is that fifty years...is a long a@@ time to carry regrets, carry deceits. And the memories of time lost do not disappear when you stop the deceit.

I can't imagine FIFTY years (or an entire life) of shoulda, coulda, woulda. Plus, just because I plan on living for another 50 years doesn't mean that it will happen. I could be on my deathbed next week - hope the last thing running through my mind is not regret.

Be SURE that you are living today the way that you WANT to always remember.

Now, that's a thought, isn't it? Don't you think you should 'out' yourself before someone else does it for you? You think it could never happen?

LOL . . . it DID happen! About 4 years ago. That is how my parents found out about my relationship with G - which is exactly how all of this started in the first place!

The world is a very small place!


(((((hug))))) to you SG, it seems like you may have a little hurt or regret from you past. I'm sorry I don't know your story, but I am a sending you lots of goodvibes in case you need it! :)


I have been talking to my therapist about this a lot for the past couple of weeks. She is awesome and I think she is really going to help me work this all out. Thank you all for your thoughts and support with this. I need it. I will keep you posted!

Moon....

Therapy helped me also... Gives you that opinion that is not bias in anyway.... and that third person view... makes you see clearly when sometimes you can't do it yourself.....

Your a strong woman and you Will Pull thru no matter what!!

(((((hug))))) to you SG, it seems like you may have a little hurt or regret from you past. I'm sorry I don't know your story, but I am a sending you lots of goodvibes in case you need it! :)




Thanks, Moon. That's very sweet.

It's not so much that I have regrets - I try not to regret much - it's just that I put certain things on hold here and there over the years...especially in my twenties. I dated someone for 8 1/2 years that I met when I was 21, and it didn't turn into marriage. At that age I wanted to travel and explore, and he was not into it. So I sat around and waited...and waited.

Just be sure that you're doing what is really making you happy. I was happy at the time, too, so that's why I don't have major regrets. Plus, the man I dated back then is now one of my very best friends on the planet.

Still, there are days that I wish that I'd done that footloose traveling. It's more difficult to get away like that at this age. If your relationship with G doesn't work out, are you going to have major regrets about what you've been missing with your family? Your therapist will help you with all of this.

Best of luck to you in making your decisions.

This is exactly what I intend to do . . . I am just trying to build up the courage to do it. The fear is in part an excuse, but it is also very real. Overcoming the fear is a process, but I think I am heading in the right direction. And I am so lucky to have so much support from all of you here.

Hey Moon, I don't come here often nowadays, but wanted to toss a note your way. :)
((hugs))

Fear has ruled my life for many years and it REALLY is debilitating at times! I married the wrong man when I was 22, because I feared standing on my own two feet and being independent. I stayed married 15yrs, due to fear of raising children alone. Leaving that marriage was so scary, but then I latched on the wrong man. I stayed with that boyfriend waaay longer than I should have (almost 2yrs). I feared being alone with my two kids and possibly never finding love.

Breaking up with my live-in was THE HARDEST THING I ever did. The fear ate me alive inside, yet others would say "what are you so afraid of?! You are already 'alone' and you don't see it!!" I kept saying "I'm getting there...baby steps!"

Like me, you say you are building the courage, but I have a different take on courage now. I think "courage" is the aftereffect of pushing through fear and making difficult choices, when you don't know what the outcome will be. You move through the FEAR (like it's a dense fog) with FAITH alone and like the commercial says "just do it!" Once you pass to the other side, the reward is a better life and a new found courage/strength within yourself that NO ONE can take away!!!!

With each difficult choice we make (in spite of fear), we can face the next one with a little more confidence. It's a shame that I'm 40 now and just now "coming into my own." The catipillar cannot become a butterfly without going thru a painful process of fighting his way out that cocoon.

Have FAITH in yourself and your higher power girl!! Have faith in the love you share with your partner! ...... it is time for you to pass thru the fog and feel the sunshine on your face again!!

Hope that wasn't too sappy. :cool:

I think your situation is similar to many people whose romantic entanglements are atypical. Your personal style of how to handle it so far has been to avoid confrontations with your parents. But I wonder if you have been open with other people? Some people are just simply uncomfortable doing the unusual, and an age gap is that for some families. Is that you?
Ali

I think you have to take a big step outside yourself and truly evaluate which is more important to you at this stage in your life:

Continuing to build a five-year relationship with G

or

Seeking your parents' acceptance & approval

I know it's difficult taking a stand when you've got strong-minded parents who don't necessarily agree with your choices in life but the fact is... this is YOUR life, not theirs. You're a full-fledged grown up now and they no longer have the option to call the shots for you.... unless you let them.

Of course, that all sounds well and good in writing. Believe me, I've been there -- most of the long-time members of this site can tell you all about the struggles I've had with my mother! But I've learned something. The freedom starts with one solid decision to stay true to yourself and to not waiver when family members put on the pressure.

My solution in dealing with my own family was to refuse to take up the gauntlet when they threw it down. I won't fight and I won't defend myself. This is my life and they can either love & accept me for who I am or they cannot have me around. I refuse to interact with people I love who don't seem to mind making me feel bad about myself and my choices.

I highly recommend it for anyone who is nonconfrontational but who makes choices their *ahem* more outspoken family members don't care for.

Good luck, Moon!

Kelley where have you been?? Welcome back!!

Hi everyone! I know that I don't post much anymore, but I am always around!

I need some serious help right now. I am seeing a therapist, but that is such a slooooowwww process.

My story is actually really long with a lot of strange details, but I will try to give you the short version.

As some of you may know, G and I have been together for over 5 years (WOW).
I basically moved in with him at the end of December. However, I still have some reservations for a number of reasons. The problem is that I think that my perception is foggy because this relationship is still a secret.

If my story seems strange, that is because it is. My parents found out about our relationship over 3 years ago. There was a MASSIVE blow up over it that really traumatized me. My father has not spoken to me since and my mother has only acknowledged that G is in my life (and it was a half-a**ed attempt) twice. I also have not talked to her about it.

For the past 5 years, I have been living a lie. Almost every single day, I lie (and I HATE lying) to someone in my family. It is eating away at me, it was eating away at this relationship. But I am SOOOO scared to just come out in the open about it. I feel like our relationship has hit a wall and it is mostly due to the fact that I have not allowed myself to be in it 100% because of this overwhelming fear I have.

Right now I am on the fence, but it is time to either "come out" or move on (meaning end the relationship). It would not be fair to anyone to continue on this way. I have not been fair . . .

G doesn't realize how much this eats away at me; he may even think that I am content with keeping my two lives separate. I don't let him know how much it is killing me. This is also not fair . . .

I do not know how to get over this fear. I do not know how I would phisically bring myself to telling them. But I feel like the only way that I will ever give this relationship a fair chance is by being in it fully. Does that make sense?
It is almost ridiculous, I know. But the fear is overwhelming.

Thanks for reading. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.



:) I had the same problem years ago. I lived a lie about a lot of things in my life. I was the "good girl" did everything right, never complained, did what ever was expected of me. That changed a few years ago. What I discovered, my true friends, and my true family. I lost a lot of my family. My mother and my father, because of it. It hurt soooo much. I cannot tell you. But I had to discover my life.

Hi everyone! I know that I don't post much anymore, but I am always around!

I need some serious help right now. I am seeing a therapist, but that is such a slooooowwww process.

My story is actually really long with a lot of strange details, but I will try to give you the short version.

As some of you may know, G and I have been together for over 5 years (WOW).
I basically moved in with him at the end of December. However, I still have some reservations for a number of reasons. The problem is that I think that my perception is foggy because this relationship is still a secret.

If my story seems strange, that is because it is. My parents found out about our relationship over 3 years ago. There was a MASSIVE blow up over it that really traumatized me. My father has not spoken to me since and my mother has only acknowledged that G is in my life (and it was a half-a**ed attempt) twice. I also have not talked to her about it.

For the past 5 years, I have been living a lie. Almost every single day, I lie (and I HATE lying) to someone in my family. It is eating away at me, it was eating away at this relationship. But I am SOOOO scared to just come out in the open about it. I feel like our relationship has hit a wall and it is mostly due to the fact that I have not allowed myself to be in it 100% because of this overwhelming fear I have.

Right now I am on the fence, but it is time to either "come out" or move on (meaning end the relationship). It would not be fair to anyone to continue on this way. I have not been fair . . .

G doesn't realize how much this eats away at me; he may even think that I am content with keeping my two lives separate. I don't let him know how much it is killing me. This is also not fair . . .

I do not know how to get over this fear. I do not know how I would phisically bring myself to telling them. But I feel like the only way that I will ever give this relationship a fair chance is by being in it fully. Does that make sense?
It is almost ridiculous, I know. But the fear is overwhelming.

Thanks for reading. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Like I stated earlier, I lived a lie all of my life. Not just about relationship, but I did that one too. And the person stayed with me for a long time. He "sold himself out", and then he got smart. He left me. He wanted a mature relationship, and I still don't blame him. My brother told me years ago to live my life just for me. I did not take his advice for years, and I finally did. What happed? Well, the family that I thought I had I did not have. The friends I thought I had I really did not have. I lost my mother and my father in many ways. Like I stated earlier," I was the good girl". Did everything that was expected of me, when that stop, I was completely rejected by my family. This might sound crazy, but it is the truth. When I started dating, hanging out, having a normal relationship with men, my family completely left. Most people cannot believe that, but it is true. I discovered that I had a lot of growing up to do. Ways that I thought I was strong, I was really weak. Situtation I thought I could never handle, I found I could overcome many things, and friends I thought I did not have. Well, I did. You have to love yourself first, and in doing so, u will not hide parts of yourself. Your relationships, jobs, etc. You have to live for u. Period. And to hell with anyone who don't understand that. Get strong, because the situation will not vanish, or improve with attention. Accept reaction from people, sometimes it is going to be negative, sometimes positive. But except it. Because they are not perfect people, and neither are u, or I. Life is unfair, Life is what u make it, Life is about your choices, etc.,,,,,etc. I can quote many things, but the real deal is,...your have to truly accept your life, your choices in people, and to hell with people who don't support that. Realizing that, it is going to hurt, it is going to be lonely, but living your life without excuses, hiding, insecurity, believe me is worth it. Good Luck, and remember put yourself first.

I know this is long one. But I saw a therapist also. And he told me to love myself. I thought I did. But I did not. It was a long process, and it is going to be long process, but to truly love yourself it acceptance of yourself, and the people around you. And about hiding G, well u are wasting your time as well as G. G. must really care for you if they are welling to accept that. But my opinion, stop hiding.