Please..I need help

I am 24 and my BF is 55. We've been together 5 years and we're very much in love.
We don't have problems between us, but sometimes we find a problem with the others accepting us.

I got used to people's stares while walking on a road, but I still feel uncomfortable if I had to present my BF to people whom I already know. I find it very unfair on my BF, but I can't help it. Most of the people I know disapprove our relationship and they show embarrasment with our presence so I avoid these people, but I am left with almost no one. And if I meet new people, I try to avoid mentioning my BF's age because they usually start viewing me as some kind of wierd, bad, abnormal girl. Moreover, I get nasty comments like 'you're digging for money' and 'you have the classic issue of father-daughter conflicts'.

So what should I do? Should I act as if there is nothing to wonder about, and go ahead with social outings, or should I avoid meeting certain persons?
Has anyone ever had these difficulties? And do you have any suggestions?

I guess I don't understand why most of the people you know dissapprove of your relationship. Even your close friends disapprove? That's odd.

My wife is 25 (and has a tendency to look 17) and I'm 48. While I'm younger than your boyfriend, our relationship/marriage has been supported and embraced by all of her friends and family and all of mine. We go out with her friends (aged 21-25) all the time. We go out with my friends (aged 45-55) all the time...everyone has a blast.

??? Why the bad vibes from "everyone"?? Don't they want to get to know him? How about his friends...do they embrace you as his partner??

I can understand some folks having a problem with it...but I can't understand everyone. Certainly your best friend would respect you and trust your ability to make your own decision. How about your family?

Strange.

It's odd that after five years of being in a committed relationships with this man, that your friends and family still will not accept your two as a couple. I know I can honestly relate to your situation because I am at the point in the relationship with my OG (older gentleman) where my parents (mostly my mother) disapproves of my relationship. Most of my friends accept my relationship and happy that I am happy, but there are some that do not. I guess if they have not accepted your relationship by now, you have to ask what kind of friend are they? Do they really want you to be happy or are they not happy themselves? Don't feel embarassed by your age difference because it will tell people that its something that you yourself don't approve of. I would not hold back on social gatherings either, if your friends cannot handle your relationship then maybe they are really not your friend.

Nu

I too get treated strangely sometimes by people when I tell them how old my husband is. I can't stand it. However, people I've known for awhile tend to accept it... once they get to know me and/or him they don't see it as being so strange. My friends are 100% behind me and I feel very very sad for you that yours aren't. My family is also behind us, as is his.. although there are times I feel a bit of a weird vibe from certain people and definitely his stepdaughter, who is older than I am! LOL!!

Sometimes I do feel uncomfortable telling new people about our age difference... because I hate the questions and the gawking and stuff. It makes me upset but that' sjust how it is, I guess. i've found most people surprisingly accepting, though... for the most part.. or at least they keep their judgements to themselves.

I don't know what to suggest to you :( I just wish that people would accept your relationship so you didn't feel so isolated!! But maybe yeah, act like there' s nothing to wonder about. I tend to do that. I try to just act as though there is nothing "different" about us, and at HEART, there really isn't. i find that if I act normal about it, others tend to as well... USUALLY, but not all the time.

Good luck to you... I just can' t understand why people can't be happy for other people who are in love. Strange. :confused:

Thanks for your feedback. It helps a lot knowing that I am not the only one facing this.
JUng, it's nice to hear that your relationship is accepted and your friends treat you normally. In answer to your question: Yes even my friends disapproved, but in fact they weren't really friends. On the the other part, his friends were more open minded, and most of the time they accept me. In fact, now his friends became my friends as well.
As for my family, they had accepted him when they met him and realised that he's seriously committed with me. But still they don't approve it because he is seperated with 2 sons (older than me.!) and that means that we cannot marry in church. I come from a very conservative religious family and not to marry in church is not even discussed.
I don't know why I get bad vibes from almost everyone. I think it depends on the culture of a country. My country is extremely religious (in fact, we don't even have divorce, only seperation), and people tend to be very very very close-minded. We had been to New York once, and there people seem to be not surprised by age difference, probably they are used to it.
And however, even if people(the ones of my home country) force themselves to be polite and act as if there is nothing different, I know that they speak behind our backs and gossip a lot.

NuGyrl, sorry to hear that you have problems with your family. You are right in saying that 'I have to ask myself what kind of friends I have'! I am sure they weren't really good friends and with some of them I don't speak anymore. Thanks for the advice, it's true that if I show embarrassed, it means that I also diapprove of my own relationship.
However, now we have changed country because it is irritating to always have to deal with such situations.

PisceanJoy, thanks for your reply. I also find it strange that others cannot be happy for other people who are in love. Sometimes I think they are jealous when they see someone who is truly in love. I came to know that someone has also started inventing stories on us, and that was the last thing that made me decide to leave the country.
I used to think that by time people would get used to it and accept us, but I know of another girl who is in love with an older man and they are outcasts in our society, even though they have been together for 20 years. It's horrible the way people speak about them, and I don't want that to happen to us.

I don't want my life to be surrounded by such negativity, thus living abroad is best for us and we found more kind-hearted people.

There was a time when I started believing that I have something wrong in me and I did some psychoanalysis with myself. Well, after lots of deep thoughts, I am sure I love this man, and definetely not for his money. When we met he had a business and was quite well-off, but after 2 years the business failed and he was left with no penny. He was falsely accused of fraud and everything he had was taken away by police. He also had to spend some time in jail and I never thought of leaving him, I waited for him. In the meantime I was the one working for both of us and till this day we're still poor.

Glad that the advice was helpful....what country are you originally from?

My family is also very religious and that is the main reason why my mom cannot accept my relationship because my bf is divorced with 5 kids. All I can do is hope and pray that my mother will learn to accept my bf. I don't need her to like it or even approve of it, just accept the fact that this is my choice and respect it (basically what my father did).

Hope everything works out for you though, it seems to be though. You can PM anytime you need to talk or vent.

Nu

Sooner or later, you need to make a choice. Do you tick your neck out and tell the world, your friends and your family, this is my man and I don't care who else knows it and I don't care who doesn't like it, because I like him and that's all anyone else needs to know.

or do you shrink from doing that?

Which may risk your relationship. I know I would want a woman who had the first attiude.

I guess my point is to stop caring what others think. not easy to do, but you may need to.

hi Captain
yes you are right in saying that I need to stop caring what others think. I am not afraid of introducing my bf to others, I am usually afraid of the consequences of that action (eg...the gossiping, the laughs...nasty comments....), and by hiding him it's like I am protecting him from having to deal with all that. But I am learning to ignore what others say, and in fact it feels more like a peaceful life.

Amandalee,

Ah...there is a religious issue also imbedded here. That certainly can complicate the matter. It's good that his friends have accepted you.

I'd ignore the negative...move ahead. Love your family...but reject their narrow minded nonsense.

yes JUng, i guess the religious issue has a big part in it all, and confronting religious fanatics is like dealing with Islamic integralists.
Thanks for your suggestion.

Hi Amandalee,
I had age conflicts with people before I was even in a relationship. I know what it is to deal with public disapproval. Not to mention all the crap you see in tabloids, on TV, hear on the radio, and so on. For many years of my young adult life I was alone and didn't know when I would find someone. During that time, I knew I would want someone younger. The possibility that I would be 40 or 50 and want someone in her early 20s was very real to me, even though I was only in my late 20s/early 30s at the time. I don't understand how we can live in a society where judges rule that gay marriage is okay, yet people in many parts of the country are still in the stone age when it comes to accepting someone's age preference! If you're 25 and you want to be with someone who's 25 or 85, isn't it your choice and your happiness?

I finally met my wife through a penpal column, from a culture where age differences are not at all frowned at or uncommon. Mid 20s and mid 50s happens all the time there. What I did was find the friends who were the closest to me, who knew me and whom I knew would be supportive of my choice, and just withdraw from the rest of the crowd. As for work relationships, it's really none of their business what you do. If you do your job and are faithful to your employer, they have no need or business digging into your private life.

Anyway, that's my take on it. You sound like you both are happy with the eachother, and if you're happy with eachother that's what matters. Other people have no right dictating to you what's right for you.

Good luck to both of you and I hope you experience a life of happiness!

thanks Summerblob for your encouragement and suggestions. It seems like you really know what it feels like. I am sorry if you had to go through these disapprovals.
I agree with you that gays are more normal than couples in different ages. And I cannot understand why!!!! Not that I am against homosexuality, but how can it be considered more normal than two heterosexual persons of age discrepancies?

Now I have withdrawn myself from the 'rest of the crowd' because most people would never accept us. I found myself alone. I realised that I didn't have much true friends around me. Not just friends, but also relatives, neighbours, colleagues.....and most of them are all very religious persons!!!
I look at the positive side of it and thinking that I was lucky to go through all this even if it was a bit painful. This way I know who are the true and trustful people. I used to think that just because someone is religious they must be good persons, well I am happy that I don't think that way anymore.
(I am not in any way condemning religion. Sorry if I am triggering someone. I know religious people who are good persons, I am just condemning those that I know, not everyone).

I am happy for you that you have found your wife and selected your good friends. I am really curious to know where is the culture where age differences do not matter!!