He can't get over the age difference

Hi everyone. I’m new but I am so glad I’ve found this site.
Late last summer I met and became good friends with an older man. (I’m 22 and he is 41) He’s absolutely wonderful and we get along so well. He’s able to keep up with me intellectually/emotionally but he can still relax and have fun. It has gotten so that we spend all our time together and are really getting to know each other deeply. (Which is hard for me because I hate opening up to people)

The problem is there is a also huge chemistry between us that we are denying. I know we both want more out of the relationship but he is holding back. He has told me that he can’t stand our age difference. He thinks it would be wrong for us to date and worries about things like “my family killing him if they ever found out he was seeing me”. He’s even said he wishes I was just a few years older. I am fine with the age difference, my family and friends would be fine with it (my best friend’s parents are 20 years apart) but he just can’t seem to get over what he thinks others would say.

So I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to let him know I’m ok with our age difference and that most people I know are ok with it but that hasn’t helped. How can I help him get over his fears? Am I just wasting my time? I really care about him and he cares about me but I am getting more and more frustrated.

Hi everyone. I’m new but I am so glad I’ve found this site.
Late last summer I met and became good friends with an older man. (I’m 22 and he is 41) He’s absolutely wonderful and we get along so well. He’s able to keep up with me intellectually/emotionally but he can still relax and have fun. It has gotten so that we spend all our time together and are really getting to know each other deeply. (Which is hard for me because I hate opening up to people)

The problem is there is a also huge chemistry between us that we are denying. I know we both want more out of the relationship but he is holding back. He has told me that he can’t stand our age difference. He thinks it would be wrong for us to date and worries about things like “my family killing him if they ever found out he was seeing me”. He’s even said he wishes I was just a few years older. I am fine with the age difference, my family and friends would be fine with it (my best friend’s parents are 20 years apart) but he just can’t seem to get over what he thinks others would say.

So I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to let him know I’m ok with our age difference and that most people I know are ok with it but that hasn’t helped. How can I help him get over his fears? Am I just wasting my time? I really care about him and he cares about me but I am getting more and more frustrated.


"He’s able to keep up with me intellectually/emotionally..... "

KEEP UP? Surely you mis-spoke....

Yes, as we all know, your brain cells start dying off rapidly after age 23, so by the time you're 39 you have only a tiny bit of your original mental capacity left....

You, my dear, have only one year left before senility starts setting in...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What are you trying to say here? 'Let's Get Physical'?

Hey girl
My situation wasnt exactly the same but hopefully my info helps.
My and my OM have a 24 year age difference.
We met through work and began at first secretly (after his divorce) dating while
we were both still with the same company.
At first it was kind of a casual thing so the age difference didnt really
matter. But we both fell really hard for each other and thats when
the age difference really came up.
At first we were both kind of scared to tell anyone.
However I began telling a few of my friends and they
were completly supportive of it which I expected anyways. But
he began having a huge problem with the age difference. He'd say that
he was going to get old and wrinkly and I wouldnt want him anymore,
he thought he was going to pass over before me, and that I was going
to miss out having fun all the time etc.
I worked through it with him to prove alot of the things he was
really worried about didnt matter to me, and am still working on it
a little bit .
Through alot of our talks we figured out that in the world he 'grew up'
in people werent in age gap relationships, but for people in their 20's, now
its not such a wierd thing.

It helped him to realize it wasnt so strange to be in an age gap relationship
when he began meeting my friends and they were very welcoming to him.
He said he thought they were going to think I was crazy for dating him.
My best advice to you would be - if you really think he is worth it, try to
stick it out with him and get through what he is going through. It never
hurts to try. Try and expose him to more age gap relationships and maybe
even send him to this forum!.
Sorry this is a long post , but i've been in your place and only hope I can help.
Best of Luck! :)

Can't say if you are wasting time...only you know if he's flexible enough to change and move beyond his fears.

I would be concerned that his fears may only get worse as he ages. This would also be a concern if the younger party had reservations about the age difference (Not the case in this situation).

Too bad he doesn't have any healthy role-models for this type of relationship. Perhaps he could see that it can work. I have found that most people are flexible and open. I'm 48 with 25 yeard old wife. I work in a very very religious environment and most of my colleagues have been wonderful to me and the wife.

His fears are irrational...hopefully he can come to see this.

Here's my take on your situation:

It sounds like your OM is fairly anchored in his attitude(s) about dating such a YW. I think you are faced with only a couple of options at this point. Assuming that you don't like the obvious option (ending this relationship and find someone else) that leaves you with only one strong alternative and one possible / iffy option.

You might have to meet him on his terms. In order to do this, you will need to find out what his concerns are, in order of importance e.g., do his main concerns revolve around what other people might think? Family relations? Especially your parents?

You have to respect the fact that he has is reasons and for the most part, his concerns sound rational under the circumstances. For example, fearing the reaction of your parents is a valid concern and no amount of dismissing the issue will make it go away. It is a real issue and involves the people who care about you the most.

So, if you really, really want to pursue a relationship with ths OM, then simply accomodate his fears. Chances are, that if you find his comfort level -- what ever that might be, he'll come around to some form of relationship. BUT . . . he must trust that if you decide to go forward with some form of "modified relationship", you must set the parameters that you're both comfortable with -- and then stick to them. If, after a time, you continually want more out of the relationship than was agreed, he will no longer trust you and you will both be in a worse place than from which you started from. So, this begs the question, is it worth all the drama and heartache?

If you don't think that you could be happy and content with what would probably amount to a "very private relationship", then you only have the last viable option, and that is, hope that he will come around to your way of thinkig, or the first option -- just remain friends and move on. You're 21 (still a kid in the grand scheme of things) and spending too much time on this particular scenerio is not going to help anyone -- especially you.