"Step" children, mothers, fathers

I have a problem with calling people step-children, step-mothers, or step-fathers for a couple of reasons (which I'll list) but first I want to ask - Does anybody else feel this way? And, if yes, do you have any suggestions - What else can we call ourselves/each other?

First, the word "step-children" is meaningless. The words step-mother or step-father came into usage as a shortened term for a woman who stepped into the position of mother or a man that stepped into the position of father. This "stepping in" to parent a child was most often because the biological mother or father had died. So "step-children" doesn't really mean anything. I suggest we change the term "step-children" to "like-children" - to mean "they are like my children" or "I love them like my birth children" or maybe just "I like them." If there is no parent-child relationship, I'm more comfortable if people refer to the (usually adult) children as, "My husband's children" or "My wife's children". Oh, and off the subject a little - it burns my butt when people refer to them as ex-step-children because, if you didn't have a relationship with them, they weren't your "children" of any kind, and if you did, they never become "ex-children."

Thanks to thousands of years of stories, the term "step-mother" has a bad connotation, and with modern times, the term "step-father" is beginning to get a bad rap for other reasons. The term step-mother or step-father also bothers me because of what I said earlier, it implies that they are stepping-in for a parent which isn't true if the child has a mother or father in their life. Although I guess the argument could be made that one is, "stepping in" when the mother or father is not there, but legally that's not accurate.

I'd still like to come up with a better term. Now that I've thought about it "like-children," it's beginning to grow on me. Again, where there is no relationship, I prefer "my Mom's husband" or "my Dad's wife" and I'm not real keen on "like-mother" or "like-father" because that might hurt the real mother or father .... [insert "thinking face"] .... maybe we could call them "like-a-mother" or "like-a-father"! Test:
- "Bill, this is my like-a-mother, Sue."
- "I'd like to thank my parents: my Mom, my Dad, my like-a-mom and my like-a-dad for all they've done for me."

I kinda like it! (No pun intended.)

I don't feel to bad about the term... I mean I have a Stepson who is almost 20 years old... but you know something i am not a real parent to him... nor did I raise him... Remember I'm 29 years old and met my husband when he was 16 years old so Being a Like child wouldn't be a good term in my case.... I think it's different when you raise the child from a young age up......

I guess I wouldn't use the term if you don't like it :) They can be just your "children" if you want to call it ... just say this is my son or daughter... By marriage.... :)

Yep, son or daughter by marriage works for me. Any ideas on what to call the parent that marries into the family?

((((((applauds chatterbox))))))

I like the term like-children! I agree, "step" does have many negative connotations. In fact, G's son recently said to me (after I moved in with them, BTW) "I don't want you and Dad to get married, because then you will be my step-mom"

I asked "oh, and what would be wrong with that?"

He replied "step-moms are mean." :D

I assured him that I would not change if I became his "step-mom," but it did get me thinking.

THANK YOU, MOON!!!! Sometimes it's just sooooo good to hear that I'm not alone in the Universe! :D

EddiesFairy, I bet it would make Albert's day and touch his heart if you would write him a note telling him what you told us.

I married a man with a son. I had a son myself. We struggled with this, too, chatterbox, but coming up with a solution didn't happen.

My daughter's half-brother (which is what I call my ex-husband's son now) came into my life at 6 years old very undernourished, didn't know his alphabet and covered in lice. I spent a summer teaching this very, very bright child his alphabet and simple reading and then we sent him home. Two months later, his mother was in jail and he was 3,000 miles away in foster care.

I spent the better part of 10k of MY money getting him out of foster care, supporting his father and him until his Dad could establish himself (he'd only worked under the table jobs for 10 years...) and *I* raised this kid almost exclusively for 5 years.

I always, always made it a point to tell him his mother loved him, had NOT abandoned him and would again be a part of his life.

For all technical purposes, I WAS a "step" mother and the term was both applicable and appropriate. I stepped in as his mother, full-time and fought tooth and nail for him for five years with his passive-aggressive, alcoholic father. IF it hadn't been for him, I might very well have left my ex instead of waiting for him to instigate the break up.

I loved and still love my ex-STEP-son ~ my daughter's half-brother. He always called me by my real name and referred to me as his step-mom (or Smom, cuz we thought that was funny).

People should do whatever they feel comfortable doing and call eachother whatever feels right and natural. My mother, after all, is not called Grammy, Grandma, Gram or any other "typical" grandparent name... oddly, she is called "Tia" by all the grandkids, because the first born in the extended family of that generation was her great niece.

I was "step" mom. It was a term which, despite the fact that his mother was still alive, still applied. She was alive, yet otherwise incapable of raising her son...

~phosphorescent

In my situation I don't feel bad about this term at all.......my honey has 4 kids from his ex. I have not had children yet & feel that this term suits me better. His oldest just turned 20......I had no part in bringing him up, nor do I the other 3.........I missed that period in their lives. But I'm sure that if I were older and he had children much younger I would take more pride in parenting them. Every situation is different....I can totally understand why you feel the way you do Chatterbox!

In my current situation with my live in y/m he gets along great with my teen age daughter. She told him that he was "step dad material" so now they tease each other about him being her step-dad. When she wants driving lessons, he's step-dad. When she wants him to take us out for dinner, its step-dad. When she wants movie money, its step-dad. More lunch money, its step-dad.

So in my house the term is a "fun term". If he actually becomes the step-dad, then I dont think my daughter would have any problem with the term since she has used it so frequently already to get things that she wants.

I grew up with a step-dad, but to me he was always my dad, as he was the only father that I knew. I was never called his step-daugther, I was always his daughter when being introduced, and he was always my dad. Growing up the step term was not used.

I think it boils down to what you're comfortable with. These days many families are blended and I say use whatever term works, as long as its ok with those involved.

I never liked the term"step" child or"half".My kids call my younger son's Dad "dad"and my daugther says he will always be called that cuz he was there when her real one wasnt.She also doesnt like calling her little brother her Half brother just cuz they have different dads he is no different and is called her brother,as for my ex's 2 other daughters they called me by my name (their mom told thm in no terms should they call me anything else cuz she was the the only mom they needed)and I would call them my girls.I once was yalled at by my ex's ex (lol) for telling the youngest one that she couldnt go somewhere and being yelled at I calmly told my ex's ex look b4 me the women he had never cared for your girls I do and take it as a blessing that you daughters have more love that I can offer.after that she had a turn around and when the youngest daughter had her baby they called me to go to the hospital and she introduced me as grandma ad even tho me and my ex arent together we remain close friends and I still ge invites to all partys and dinners :)

My parents have been apart since I was young and by age 10 I had stepparents and I never had any problem being a stepdaughter or having stepparents. I am also a stepsister--my stepbrother and I alternately call each other "step[sibling]" and "[sibling]", however it happens to come out at the time. Same with my [step]dad.

My children have a [half]sibling but I always just call him their brother, because no matter how many parents they share, they're all brothers nonetheless.

So I guess I tend to no problem with the term "step" in families but I do have a problem with the term "half" in relation to siblings. I told people their brother was my stepson when my ex and I were together and now I just say he's my children's brother.

I think that I'd have to like my step-mother before I could call her anything close to Like-A-Mother. She was anything but like a mother when I was a child and is a total 'B', even to her own children. I think this concept of coming up with a more 'friendly' term might not work on a universal level, if you get my drift. I have no inclination whatsoever to discover a more friendly term.

However, allow me to clarify: While I am not looking for a more friendly term for MY step-mother, I also do not agree that the terms STEP-mother or STEP-father carry negative connotations in common vernacular. I know plent of people that have terrific 'steps'. The term simply clarifies that person's place on my family tree, so to speak.

I have 3 sisters and 1 brother...all of whom are technically half-siblings (2 from mom, 2 from dad). I grew up with the 2 from my mom and have never referred to them as 'half-anythings', and I broke the habit of calling the other two my half-sisters several years ago.

Thanks for all the points of view. You've all reminded me that our experiences color our perceptions. You also reminded me of something else, my ex-husband's son used to refer to us as his "parental units" -- (from SNL the Coneheads) - I always got a big kick out of that and you know, we really were a "unit" of some sort, his mother, her husband, his father, and me!

Mu husband has two sons from his previous marriage (17-22) and I told them both that I wasn't trying to replace thier mom, because they had a good one, but I wanted them to know that I loved thier dad very much and I hope that we (myself and the boys) could build a friendship. We get a long great and I miss them a bunch. I would like to think that we all have a good friendship.

My daughter calls us her parental units. I also heard the cutest term for a step dad the other day - it is MOD - my other dad - I got tickled at that

Now my self, I have step and half brothers and sisters, but I don't use those terms, they are my brothers and sisters, I doesn't matter to me that we don't have the same parents, but we do have a common bond - we are family.

Well, I have two little girls, ages 4 and 3. They call their father's wife Sunshine and have since he first started dating her. As much as them calling her mom would bother me I am thankful that she is so good to them and obviously loves them dearly. I trust her to take care of them more than my ex-husband. Them introducing her as their step-mother doesn't really bother me, but if they called her mommy that would just break my heart.

Her name isn't Sunshine btw, but a nickname they all picked up and I think it works very well. It makes her special with a sweet name like Sunshine and she should feel special because she is very good to my girls.

So, I would suggest coming up with a special nickname for the step-parent. It seems to work with us and it still provides me with the soul title of mommy. Yes, I'm rather proud of that name and I don't really want to share it. That doesn't mean that I don't appreciate her and realize that she is stepping in as mommy when they have visitation with their dad, but it makes me feel a little better.

*shrugs* I even bought her a Mother's Day card from the girls and she bought one for me from the girls. Now mine was just a simple, "Wishing you a happy Mother's Day", but hopefully it still meant something to her.