Just to Vent....

I was involved for nearly a year and a half in a long term/long distance relationship with a man 6 years my junior. From the moment we met online in a chat room we hit it off...it was like an instant soulmate, and he felt the same at the time. Then we met face to face ... just as friends...as thats all we were sharing at the time. I think we both before hand knew a relationship wouldnt work out between us for the obvious reasons. But once we met ... it was a done deal, we spent the better part of a two weeks together 24/7 getting to know each other, I met his family who fell in love with me...it wasnt until our last weekend we allowed ourselves to get "romantically involved" and I can only say it was wonderful. The feelings between the two of us were just magical and electric. Anyway I went home (Im in the states, hes in UK) where we again took up chatting every night we could, for just hours at a time. It was like not being able to get enough of each other. He came to visit me and my family, and it was if he had been there all along. It was perfect. We professed our love and committment to be together, and decided I would move with my children to the UK. Anyway...the next few months were wonderful, we talked, made plans..I talked with his family all the time, until one day my world just blew apart...
It was like he had become this "other" person, avoiding me all the time, when Id expect to see him, hed send a mail saying he was tired or some crap....I kept asking him what was wrong, and he just wouldnt give it up. Finally I had to blow up at him when it all came out, now this was a good 3 months down the line from when I first felt the change. So...hes changed his mind, and really for all his reasons, they were valid and good, but by the time he shared them, there was no going back and too much hurt and pain had set in. I decided to go visit him again and we had a fantastic time, his family still loved me and opened there arms, but you could tell there was a difference. The openness we had once shared was closed. Now this man, I had given every opportunity at the beginning to back out....but he didnt, and thats when I let my heart go full force into this. After I came home after that trip he basically refused to talk to me ....ever. What hurts me most I suppose is that he began this attitude that I no longer existed, that what we had never happened, and that I suppose hurt the most. I even tried to maintain a friendship, because thats the kind of person I am, which he blew back into my face until finally in a moment of madness..I did something so horrible and unforgivable...Even though I cant ever take back what I did...I still feel like his treatment of me drove me too it. How could he treat me with such disrespect and hurtfulness after all we had? MOnths done the line, IM still hurting daily from it all because I just never got any closure on my part. So..dont know what Im asking here...but can anyone give me a clue on what happened? Not only did he not give me closure but my children fell madly in love with him too, and wanted him as there step dad...and he did the same to them too.
The horrible thing about all this is I so desperately want to kick the crap out of him...then take off where we left off....Is this stuff ever going to go away?

wow...how painful that must be...
i have no idea what could have happened except "cold feet" . it seems like you did everything right..took it slow, met families, and then wham! after getting along so well. and he didn't have the balls to tell you what went wrong... yea, kick his arse...

the pain will end..you may always wonder about it, but another door will open for you
*H's*

Thanks Christina...Im hoping another door will open, but my problem is I think IM trying to hard to move on. Im 45 years old and for the first time in my life I actually knew what "being in true love" was. I speak to his family still all the time but even thats hurtful, because even his name is off limits...mostly for me because once I was talking to his sis-in-law, and was accused of using his family to get to him...which was so unfair of him to do. After all it was he in the first place who encouraged my relationship with his family. On one hand I thank my lucky stars that this came out before I moved there, but on the other hand I dont want to believe that this is really the man I was in love with, and who betrayed and hurt me so badly.
M

allow yourself the pain...grieve...and other days smash something if you need to.

we'll be here to help you through, or just listen. whatever you need

I speak to his family still all the time but even thats hurtful, because even his name is off limits...mostly for me because once I was talking to his sis-in-law, and was accused of using his family to get to him...which was so unfair of him to do.

Personally, I would back off communicating with them; for the time being, anyway. It's so easy to tell yourself that 'I'm just friends with his family; it has nothing to do with him... that's a separate issue' But, it isn't a separate issue. It is a way to 'keep tabs' on him. Tell me there isn't a part of you that isn't just clawing to hear mention of him... in any capacity. You're a die hard... many of us are... including me to a certain extent. Actually... aren't we all to a certain degree? Those that can just immediately say, "Pfffttt... like I care(ed)?" are flat out cold, or even more pitiful, and quite frankly scary!... some seriously dangerous head game players. Given those options.. I'd rather be considered a die hard, ty.

Anyway... just the fact that communicating with his famuly is hurtful, period, is impeding your healing process, bigtime. Cut them off... bleed out all you need to, to get through the withdrawl of what you once had, or what he lead you to believe you two had, (for argument's sake, let's say he had cold feet... he was a gutless coward in how he handled it... period.) and surround yourself with, and do things, that make you feel good.

.... On one hand I thank my lucky stars that this came out before I moved there...

Thanking the lucky stars, is right!! Amen! High 5!

... but on the other hand I dont want to believe that this is really the man I was in love with, and who betrayed and hurt me so badly.
M

Sweetheart... that's one of the deepest, and toughest cuts to heal. (((Hugs))) You'll get there... we're here to help you through it.

Oh, and when you go through those "God, I just wanna kill 'im!" phases, that will repeatedly hit through this,... if you have a pic of him, xerox it umpteen times... each time the feeling hits, take the stack of pics and a bic, go into the yard and fire 'em up one at a time... figuratively... frying him to ashes...LOL. I did this with my ex's and it helped... far more than I would have guessed!! Nobody gets hurt, and when you get close to the bottom of the stack, and you're not done yet, run it off another umpteen times! Ha... I'm sure I went through a ream of copy paper... hehehe.

(((Hugs)))

It just all sounds so easy doesnt it? Do you ever know in your head what you should do, but you just cant follow it? That would be me just now. Heres another part of this whole hurtful affair....When I met him he was several months out of a somewhat weird relationship....He was with this woman twice, both for very short periods of time, and both time she betrayed him big time, yet he still was so in love with her. When I went to his house in November and used his PC, the dolt had been trying or even had successfully gotten into the ex's e-mail account. I WASNT snooping I was useing his pc and his drop down for hotmail ...dropped her name down. What other reason would it be there? This was no mistake. Anyway...Im a firm believer we all have our own demons to bear, and this was his so I left it. Finally after him ignoring me for two months, I lopped off an e-mail to him in a rage and told him what I found. He then tried to lie to me and say hed only done this once right after they broke up, I knew better as I used his pc over a year before and her name wasnt there then....

Sooooooooooooo, I sent an e-mail to the ex and included his mail to me admitting that he'd done this, and that I knew hed most likely been doing it all along. Needless to say the sh*t hit the fan, but I admitted what Id done. I felt so terribly awful and now Im starting to realize just how much he brought me "down to his level" and in that one moment of madness of mine...I pretty much demolished all my good self being. Im slowly bringing myself back out of that but I still cant believe of all people ....I did something like that. I finally told a guy friend what Id done...he laughed so hard and said its what he deserved...But that still doesnt make me feel better for doing it.

Now Im stuck everyday wishing the bad "juju" on him. Ive never in my life, not even my ex husband, wished such evil thoughts on anyone. These are just daily wishes that he leads an horrible unhappy life. My problem is that I believe in karma...and what goes around comes around, and that until I get out of this cycle...its going to be me leading the horrible unhappy life right along side him....Does any of this make sense? I keep telling myself time heals all wounds...but 4 months down the line..Im still crying daily over this. And the fact is Id still take him back.

And Ill admit that part of me loves his family...and part of me wants to just keep my foot in the door hoping some day hell come to his senses...Am I a loser or what.

And given the alternative of being a cold unfeeling person, Ill be a die hard anyday. The day I stop loving or feeling anything is the day I want to die...Maybe hes already dead inside..maybe hes just a coward or both.

Sheila..thank you so much for your words...Im gonna read them everyday for awhile because your right...hes deffo no worth my energy. But like I say...it one of those brain conflicts just now...I know better but I cant seem to act better...

M

I was involved for nearly a year and a half in a long term/long distance relationship with a man 6 years my junior. From the moment we met online in a chat room we hit it off...it was like an instant soulmate, and he felt the same at the time. Then we met face to face ... just as friends...as thats all we were sharing at the time. I think we both before hand knew a relationship wouldnt work out between us for the obvious reasons. But once we met ... it was a done deal, we spent the better part of a two weeks together 24/7 getting to know each other, I met his family who fell in love with me...it wasnt until our last weekend we allowed ourselves to get "romantically involved" and I can only say it was wonderful. The feelings between the two of us were just magical and electric. Anyway I went home (Im in the states, hes in UK) where we again took up chatting every night we could, for just hours at a time. It was like not being able to get enough of each other. He came to visit me and my family, and it was if he had been there all along. It was perfect. We professed our love and committment to be together, and decided I would move with my children to the UK. Anyway...the next few months were wonderful, we talked, made plans..I talked with his family all the time, until one day my world just blew apart...
It was like he had become this "other" person, avoiding me all the time, when Id expect to see him, hed send a mail saying he was tired or some crap....I kept asking him what was wrong, and he just wouldnt give it up. Finally I had to blow up at him when it all came out, now this was a good 3 months down the line from when I first felt the change. So...hes changed his mind, and really for all his reasons, they were valid and good, but by the time he shared them, there was no going back and too much hurt and pain had set in. I decided to go visit him again and we had a fantastic time, his family still loved me and opened there arms, but you could tell there was a difference. The openness we had once shared was closed. Now this man, I had given every opportunity at the beginning to back out....but he didnt, and thats when I let my heart go full force into this. After I came home after that trip he basically refused to talk to me ....ever. What hurts me most I suppose is that he began this attitude that I no longer existed, that what we had never happened, and that I suppose hurt the most. I even tried to maintain a friendship, because thats the kind of person I am, which he blew back into my face until finally in a moment of madness..I did something so horrible and unforgivable...Even though I cant ever take back what I did...I still feel like his treatment of me drove me too it. How could he treat me with such disrespect and hurtfulness after all we had? MOnths done the line, IM still hurting daily from it all because I just never got any closure on my part. So..dont know what Im asking here...but can anyone give me a clue on what happened? Not only did he not give me closure but my children fell madly in love with him too, and wanted him as there step dad...and he did the same to them too.
The horrible thing about all this is I so desperately want to kick the crap out of him...then take off where we left off....Is this stuff ever going to go away?

This is so sad....

Ughhhhhhhhhhh since IM getting all this out....

To end this whole torrid thing....he joined an online dating site, and used two pictures of us where we were sooooooooooo very happy, and it showed with the two of us in the photos..We were just glowing toghether. Only the cold hearted b@st@rd edited me out both the pictures.... :mad:

To add insult, one of my friends came across his online add and recognized one of the photos as she was there the night it was taken....


So why oh why is this still hurting like it does when he can treat me this way?

Ughhhhhhhhhhh since IM getting all this out....

To end this whole torrid thing....he joined an online dating site, and used two pictures of us where we were sooooooooooo very happy, and it showed with the two of us in the photos..We were just glowing toghether. Only the cold hearted b@st@rd edited me out both the pictures.... :mad:

To add insult, one of my friends came across his online add and recognized one of the photos as she was there the night it was taken....


So why oh why is this still hurting like it does when he can treat me this way?

I've said it before: don't get emotionally involved .....

Ughhhhhhhhhhh since IM getting all this out....

To end this whole torrid thing....he joined an online dating site, and used two pictures of us where we were sooooooooooo very happy, and it showed with the two of us in the photos..We were just glowing toghether. Only the cold hearted b@st@rd edited me out both the pictures.... :mad:

To add insult, one of my friends came across his online add and recognized one of the photos as she was there the night it was taken....


So why oh why is this still hurting like it does when he can treat me this way?

Okay...please forgive me... but, this beginning to wave sadomasochism red flags to me. Not that you would derive pleasure from it.. far from it, Michelle. Just an itty-bitty red flag. I am praying that this "To end the whole torrid thing...." to your situation, is the final downward spiral 'to-the-bottom-of-the-pit of ending this relationship hell' that you're going to take from this unmitigated Loser, and let us help you get to the other side of this. Yes, venting, venting, bleeding, screaming, crying, hurling is all a necessary part of the process... totally!, and for however long it takes. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Please tell me that somewhere, even on the farthest horizon, you see an iota of hope, of perspective, that you can heal from this. IMHO... He has taken far too much up of your past... don't give him one more second of your future. I would be more comfortable with this type of reaction if it hadn't been for the fact that (through the posts) it's been months, and months.

The future (serious man/woman relationship wise) is for the man that all this hell will be worth having paid the price for. The future is for the stronger, more emotionally intelligent woman that you will become from this through your journey of healing.

Just curious... do you notice any kind of 'relationship pattern' between past relationship(s) of yours, and this one? Choice of men... character(s)...outcomes... etc.?

((((((Michelle))))))

Believe it or not Rose....

this was a one of a kind relationship. Ive always left previous relationships on a mutual respect and friendship type deal....IN fact, this is the ONLY man who has EVER treated me this way in my life....I suppose that in my forgivving nature and wanting friendship blah blah...is what confuses the hell out of me...Ive just never come across such a cold hearted person before. Even my ex husband and I are best friends, and my first boyfriend before him would have even been in our wedding had he not passed away a month before...ANd my other long romance after my marriage even ended as friends after a year and a half....Ive always managed to have men in my life who were upfront and honest....except this one. Im sooooooo terribly confused, but as I write all this down I see what a sh*t he is, and hell get what he deserves without my daily dose of "juju" wishes.....

Im committing myself today to moving on....(but maybe Ill whine just a bit more first... ;) )

M

Believe it or not Rose....

this was a one of a kind relationship. Ive always left previous relationships on a mutual respect and friendship type deal....IN fact, this is the ONLY man who has EVER treated me this way in my life....I suppose that in my forgivving nature and wanting friendship blah blah...is what confuses the hell out of me...Ive just never come across such a cold hearted person before. Even my ex husband and I are best friends, and my first boyfriend before him would have even been in our wedding had he not passed away a month before...ANd my other long romance after my marriage even ended as friends after a year and a half....Ive always managed to have men in my life who were upfront and honest....except this one. Im sooooooo terribly confused, but as I write all this down I see what a sh*t he is, and hell get what he deserves without my daily dose of "juju" wishes.....

Im committing myself today to moving on....(but maybe Ill whine just a bit more first... ;) )

M


'What does not kill me makes me stronger'....FN

I've said it before: don't get emotionally involved .....

Such sad advice. :(

I was hurt pretty badly about a year ago. I wished I'd never met the guy. A good friend said to me, "Be thankful you had the opportunity to go on the journey." MY father said to me, "You'll learn something about yourself as a result." I thought they were both nuts, but my dad especially was right. I did learn something very profound about myself that will make a difference in all future relationships. I'm open to getting hurt again, not because I want to get hurt, but because if I don't open myself to that possibility I'll never be open to the possibility of finding the love of my life . . . and sure wouldn't want to miss that!

That is sooooooooooooo true

The other thing is for me that when is was at its best...it was wonderful, Id never had that before...so now I know what I want and what I deserve, and yea ....

whats that saying?

its better to have loved and lost then never loved at all!!! :p

(I still want to batter him for the betrayal though....)

That is sooooooooooooo true

The other thing is for me that when is was at its best...it was wonderful, Id never had that before...so now I know what I want and what I deserve, and yea ....

whats that saying?

its better to have loved and lost then never loved at all!!! :p

(I still want to batter him for the betrayal though....)

It is best not to become emotionally involved with the people you love...

*shakes her head and squints at the screen again*

It is best not to become emotionally involved with the people you love...

And, how does thatwork? :confused: :eek:

*shakes her head and squints at the screen again*



And, how does thatwork? :confused: :eek:

Send for a ventriloquist at once!

Infatuation is narcissistic. 'True love' is not narcissistic. Infatuation is shallow emotional dependency. The 'goofy look'. If someone is showing 'the goofy look', watch out. That's what makes you vulnerable to the hurt. Keep you head on your shoulders. Trust, but verify. Don't place your emotional well-being at the mercy of another. Read between the lines. If there are no lines, draw them.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Spaulding: What do you fellas get an hour?
Ravelli: For playing, we get-a ten dollars an hour.
Spaulding: I see. What do you get for not playing?
Ravelli: Twelve dollars an hour.
Spaulding: Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Ravelli: Now for rehearsing, we make special rate. That's-a fifteen dollars an hour...That's-a for rehearsing.
Spaulding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?
Ravelli: You couldn't afford it. You see, if we don't rehearse, we a-don't play, and if we don't play (he snaps his finger) - that runs into money.
Spaulding: How much would you want to run into an open manhole?
Ravelli: Just-a the cover charge! Ha, ha, ha.
Spaulding: Well, drop in some time.
Ravelli: Sewer.
Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
Ravelli: Well, let's see how-a we stand.
Spaulding: Flat-footed.
Ravelli: Yesterday, we didn't come. (To Mrs. Rittenhouse) You remember, yesterday we didn't come?
Spaulding: Oh, I remember.
Ravelli: Yes, that's three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Yesterday, you didn't come, that's three hundred dollars?
Ravelli: Yes, three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Well, that's reasonable. I can see that alright.
Ravelli: Now today, we did come. That's-a (pause)..
Spaulding: That's a hundred you owe us.
Ravelli: Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal. Tomorrow we leave. That's worth about (pause)..
Spaulding: A million dollars.
Ravelli: Yeah, that's alright for me, but I've got a partner.
Spaulding: What?!

http://www.filmsite.org/anim.html



:D

Oy... Got Motrin?

GEEEEZZZZZZ........WAY too much time on your hands. If I love someone I AM emotionaly involved with them whether I like it or not.

Love is emotional involvement at the very core of its essense. If you aren't emotionally involved... then you don't truly love someone.

Love is emotional involvement at the very core of its essense. If you aren't emotionally involved... then you don't truly love someone.


That's not true. What many people call 'love' is merely narcissistic clinging.

You maybe right there. However, what some refer to as love without emotional investment is nothing more than detached, nonreciprocal, delusional fantasy.

GEEEEZZZZZZ........WAY too much time on your hands. If I love someone I AM emotionaly involved with them whether I like it or not.

Well said Bella... I agree.... Love is Emotional....:) and as Humans we are born with Multiple Emotions.... Kinda hard not to have any at all :)

Today is sort of a good and bad day for me....

Id been holding all this in for so long because I heart was so heavy and probably a lot feeling embarrassed by what a fool I let myself be....But finding that talking about it, getting support from folks...Ive even this week started talking again to old friends that Id stopped talking to ages ago and finally releasing the embarrasement there too....Everyone has been so kind and generous to me.

Heres my conflict today, Iains niece had a baby this week and I went into the community group I MADE for him to hopefully see pics of the new baby to find not only did he delete me as a member but had deleted every single picture that had anything to do with us....

Now on one hand I can somewhat understand...must be a male thing or something, but in my opinion we need to remember our past, embrace it and let it become part of who we are today...and hopefully its a better, more knowledgeable person....at least with all my previous relationships thats where Ive gone, and I think after this week, its where Im heading now...

but can anyone tell me...is it me or is he just a cold hearted b@st*rt?

M :(

....but can anyone tell me...is it me or is he just a cold hearted b@st*rt?

M :(

He's a cold hearted b@st*rd.... at best.

(((M)))

:( :( :(

Ornello,

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger". Amen.

You are right in saying trust, but verify. You are also right in saying that you cannot "place your emotional well being at the mercy of another". We are all responsible for our emotional well being. Infatuation is narcississtic, too. Relationships are, indeed, mirrors of ourselves.

True love on the other hand, gee I don't know. I have been hurt deeply by just about everybody I ever loved, children, husband, parents. I had to put walls up to stop the hurting more times than I can count. Maybe I'm the exception in this life. I doubt that I am, though.

I understand your cynicism, and I'm sorry it has to be that way for you, but I do understand. You can rage against the darkness or turn your face into the light. Most days, I choose the light.

Michele,

We rarely get what we want in this life. I always used to tell my daughters to go into the library and find me a book where it is written that "life is fair". It isn't. An unfortunate fact, but true nonetheless.

I hope things get better for you soon. Somedays you just have to put one foot in front of the other and smile.

Hugs to you, girl.

You know youve all been just so great this week...It was fate I found this site Im sure....At the beginning of the week I was actually looking into voodoo dolls of vengeance :eek:


the pain will end..you may always wonder about it, but another door will open for you

Its sort of happened....I had pushed myself into joining some online dating sites and while Ive met some nice guys and some jerks...I just had this feeling it wasnt going to work because I was doing it for the wrong reasons if you know what I mean...but I actually met and have been communitcating via mail to IM to phones calls...and this week Im actually finding myself quite taken with this one man especially after friday night when he made the point to call me while he was on top a mountain partying with his friends..and let me talk to them. But after suffering the pain of Betrayal, Lies and Manipulations from this "unmitigated coward" Ill certainly take this way slower...

Plus he lives only 3 hours away as opposed to the 12 hour flight I did have.. :D

And I just want to say thanks to ALL of you....When I came in early this week and started this thread I think I was finally at that point I realized I needed to get a move on...You all just sort of gave me that push...Im sort of a private person so most of my friends here I didnt let on how much pain I was in...I think a lot of embarrassment goes with this all...I felt so used!

Anyway....Im feeling a change already..think I was ready for it....

But can I still get the VooDoo Doll for him....or how about a nice wicked spell?
LMAO

M

PS Ive been spending a lot of time in here since I joined...Ive not laughed, cried, and had so much fun being part of a forum in a long time...The amount of love, support and friendship I see flowing through the site is awesome!

... this week Im actually finding myself quite taken with this one man...

Ill certainly take this way slower...

Please do... :o And, good luck!


And I just want to say thanks to ALL of you....

You're quite welcome... :)


But can I still get the VooDoo Doll for him....?

Don't forget the pins! :eek: LOL!


((M))

~Rose~

Wow Im really sorry Michele that was harsh his actions and I hope with time all heart wounds heal((abrazos))my heart feels for your kids it must be hard for them to understand too Its always hard to understand why ppl do what they do but sometimes its better to see their true colors and not be blinded with their charms and pay dearly for it later I think that we all are due a learning steps to building and prepareing for something and someone better and as hard as it is and gee we all know and have lots of voodoo dollies in our closets lol ;) it will become a memory maybe not soon but later it will so heres a cold one on me and be as Cheeky as you can be smile cuz then every1 will wonder what is you are up to lol
and really dont give him anymore power over you and your heart and holler when you need a ear or a punching bag lol of course you cant hit me and mess up my make-up but I do have a nice size voodoo doll :D