a fight with my mother

Hi everyone,
Here's my story: About 2 months ago, I told my family about my 55 year old bf. (I'm 27) I made it sound like we had just started dating, when in truth we've known each other for years and have been dating for two. I also didn't go into specifics as to how old he was, just that he was older. They were surprised, but seemed okay with it.

Lately, my mother, whom I pretty close with,hasn't asked me about my beau. (not a good sign b/c she's nosy and if she were excited she'd talk non-stop about him.) Tonight, while I was at the grocery store, she called me on my cell, and wondered what I was doing this weekend. When I told her I had plans, she asks, in a very rude tone, "with that old man?" I said yes, and she started ranting and raving about how she didn't want me to go out with him, complained that she'd already gone "through this" when my sister dated a man of a different race, (Meaning she's had enough of her daughter's dating men who don't meet her criteria), badgered me about him not being a "born again Christain", etc. I tried to keep my cool, but didn't say much. I didn't want to get too defensive, b/c I was at the store and didn't want to make a scene so I basically said bye quickly and sort of hung up on her.

I feel bad, but gee whiz! Can't she see that I'm old enough to do what I want? On the other hand, I don't want, and I don't want my bf, to have to deal with the pressure of the family being upset about us. Does that make sense? Can anyone offer some words of advice? Thanks so much.

Lots of mothers have problems with boundaries for behavior with their older children. It doesn't matter if your around 50 (like me) or 27. My mom is on social security only for income (she's 73) and threatened to slap me in the grocery store because I wouldn't let her pay for groceries for our dinner. I make an excellent salary.

Set the boundary with her that she needs to keep her comments to herself about your relationships IF she wants to have a good relationship with you. Assure her that you love her and want a good relationship with her and that it's not for her to say who you or your sister dates....in a nice way, of course.

If you don't set the boundaries now, she'll be threatening to slap you in the grocery store in another 20 years. Nobody set the boundaries with my mom and she still thinks she has say over what all her children do, and her youngest is 42.

Maybe we should just stay out of grocery stores, lol.

I understand completely what your going through because I am in the same situation with my mother. The news of my bf age (him 40, me 23) really upset her and has put a noticable strain on our relationship. Its been kind of tough to get through because we were really close.

My mother said the same things to me a day after I told her about my relationship. And it was all because he didn't meet her standards of a suitable man to date her daughter. She figured she failed with my older sister, but she wasn't going to fail with me. Even went as far to say it was a sin and I was acting in a "unsaved nature."

Though, it still stings at times, I had to pull away from my mother. If she can't accept my relationship and be happy for me thats one thing, but to try to deter me from it is another and I won't stand for it. So until she can accept it, I really can't be around her. I'm sure your mother will come around soon just give her some time. I do agree with sheila though about bringing your bf around the family. It put a strain on our relationship and almost end my relationship b/c my OG could not handle it. Hope that helps...keep us posted. Welcome!!

Nu

Sounds like it is time to be VERY patient. Your mom will come around when she sees that you are happy. She is only looking out for your best interest. I went through the same thing with my mom. It took a while but now she now loves my boyfriend. Why not? They're almost the same age.:):)

Be Patient!
Debbie

Hello

I went threw this with my mother too. I am 32, my OM is 53. When she found out about us, thats all we did was fight & fight. Now 2 years later she is ok with it, she sees how happy I am & thats all that mattters to her.

Give it time, your mother will come around. My mom says that she wants the best for me & doesn't want me alone when i am older.

Your mom is just looking out you. Don't get upset with her. Just try to talk to her

I was in a relationship for a year with an older man (in the picture in this post) -- I was 26, he was 48 (22 yrs difference). I adored him, he treated me like a queen and it was ultimately a great relationship for me. Unfortunately he did not feel he could deal with the age difference for the long term. THrough the whole year, i mostly kept it a secret b/c I knew my family didn't want to hear about it. Towards the end they knew, but my mom and dad (whom i'm generally very close with) explicitly said they had no interest in ever meeting him.

Ironic, considering they have said all they want is for me to be happy and here i found someone who made me happy and he was not 'right' for me b/c of his age. They said they only wanted the best for me and being with someone who was so much older would hurt me in the long run. I understand it, but by the same token, to just end the topic with no firsthand knowledge was hurtful for me -- they talked abut how upset and hurt they were and I know everyone thinks I have some sort of psychological issue.

So now I find myself 3 months later involved with an even OLDER man -- 51 (i'm 27 now). He adores me and i love spending time with him. Do i think it's forever? No, but I'm enjoying him. I just feel like I'm startinga ll over with the lying and covering up to protect everyone from being upset. I don't know specifically (though I have some idea) why I always gravitate towards older men, but the fact is that they provide something for me that i'd think my family could support. IT is just disappointing that I can't share big parts of my life b/c they have to pass so much judgement.

sorry for the rambling, but it's hard to feel like you're living a big secret all the time.

:(

Thanks everyone for your replies! Nugirl, sounds like you and I are going through almost identical situations! And Sheila, how many years are between your mom and dad? Jessums, have you introduced your new bf to your folks? Thanks so much to all of you. My bf and I decided to hold off on introducing him to my fam. How much longer shoud I expect this adjustment period? And after they meet him, won't it be another adjustment period? (He's not the type who looks "young" for his age!) I'm not going to be rude or defensive in nature, but calm and polite as possible.

I am 29 and my husband is 46... I am lucky and my parents adore him......

However on other accounts my mom is EXTREMELY judgemental and controlling... and that happens to us at our age... i think its sometimes Mothers can't let go because we get older we are still their daughters... and I think they still feel they have to care for us like we were kids... Probably just because it's routine... and because they will always love us.... But sometimes that control is damaging like your seeing now.... My only advice is to reassure her you love her very much but you need to make your own decisions.....!!

I am 29 and my husband is 46... I am lucky and my parents adore him......

However on other accounts my mom is EXTREMELY judgemental and controlling... and that happens to us at our age... i think its sometimes Mothers can't let go because we get older we are still their daughters... and I think they still feel they have to care for us like we were kids... Probably just because it's routine... and because they will always love us.... But sometimes that control is damaging like your seeing now.... My only advice is to reassure her you love her very much but you need to make your own decisions.....!!

It happens on the other side as well. I'm 23 and an only child and I feel like my mom will always try to control me because in her eyes I'm always 5 years old.

I've talked to my mom two times since our incident and she hasn't said a word about it! Perhaps she thinks if she ignores it, it will go away, or if she gets on me about it I'll go running into his arms. My mom and I are close, but I'm afraid this may damage our relationship.

I've talked to my mom two times since our incident and she hasn't said a word about it! Perhaps she thinks if she ignores it, it will go away, or if she gets on me about it I'll go running into his arms.


She's a tad freaked for the time being; she loves you, give her time. :o



My mom and I are close, but I'm afraid this may damage our relationship.

Or, Heart4... it could strenthen it; it's as much up to you, as it is to her. :)

~Rose~