People's True Colors.....

My OG and I had recently been going through some problems and I decided to call it quits. When I told my family and friends that I had ended things, a lot of people who I thought was behind me, really were not. Their real opinions about my relationship came out after I ended things. Alot of them convinced me that I was doing the right thing, when I was really not sure if I was doing the right thing. At any rate, we were able to work things out and reconcile, but now that I know everybody's true feelings I don't know who I can talk to about my relationship or even I want to let them know that we are back together. Has anybody experience this before? Any advice?? :confused:

Nu

My OG and I had recently been going through some problems and I decided to call it quits. When I told my family and friends that I had ended things, a lot of people who I thought was behind me, really were not. Their real opinions about my relationship came out after I ended things. Alot of them convinced me that I was doing the right thing, when I was really not sure if I was doing the right thing. At any rate, we were able to work things out and reconcile, but now that I know everybody's true feelings I don't know who I can talk to about my relationship or even I want to let them know that we are back together. Has anybody experience this before? Any advice?? :confused:

Nu

Often people don't tell the truth about what they think of their friends' mates. I'm not sure why that is. Many of my female friends have picked simply horrible men. Before long, the infatuation wears off and they break up. If I'm asked 'What do you think of him?', I give my honest opinion. That does not always go over too well. I suggest that every woman ask her friends what they think of her new boyfriend. A view unclouded by infatuation is often more acute. Better to ask male friends than females, though.

Often people don't tell the truth about what they think of their friends' mates. I'm not sure why that is. Many of my female friends have picked simply horrible men. Before long, the infatuation wears off and they break up. If I'm asked 'What do you think of him?', I give my honest opinion. That does not always go over too well. I suggest that every woman ask her friends what they think of her new boyfriend. A view unclouded by infatuation is often more acute. Better to ask male friends than females, though.


You know thats funny because I'm always honest about my opinions of my friends choice in mate (I thought they would do the same), I always tell them it doesn't matter what I think they're dating him not me though. I just don't like fakeness, just say how you feel.

Nu

You know thats funny because I'm always honest about my opinions of my friends choice in mate (I thought they would do the same), I always tell them it doesn't matter what I think they're dating him not me though. I just don't like fakeness, just say how you feel.

Nu

Some women just are blind to the obvious (to me, at least) gross defects. When he gets drunk and starts hitting her, then it really shows I was right after all. (This actually happened!)

Some women just are blind to the obvious (to me, at least) gross defects. When he gets drunk and starts hitting her, then it really shows I was right after all. (This actually happened!)

I think the same goes for both sexes, but I guess I'm just used to giving my honest opinion and I expect the same of my friends and family. Is that too much to ask. I'm blunt and at times brutally honest, so I guess I expect the same.

Nu

I think the same goes for both sexes, but I guess I'm just used to giving my honest opinion and I expect the same of my friends and family. Is that too much to ask. I'm blunt and at times brutally honest, so I guess I expect the same.

Nu

On the other hand, one learns from one's mistakes...

But it galls me to see how some men (creeps) take advantage of women...who seem to go for these 'bad boys' far too often..and I'm talking about mature, educated women! Over 40, and with two Ph.D.'s!

I think women should ask for a list of references (past girlfriends) to check up on him first...

As far as women falling for creeps, there are many women of all education levels who are still insecure and suffering from low self esteem. Most of the time these "creeps" lure them in and once they have captured their hearts, they reveal their true colors. Also, some women firmly believe that they can change men if they just love them hard enough.

No it doesn't make alot of sense, but that's how I've seen it go myself.

I think that the older and wiser we become, the more we understand that it seldom pays to interject one's opinion (voice approval or non-approval) with regards to another person's relationship. This is usually a no-win situation. If you voice non-approval, it's bound to rub someone the wrong way. So, most people will opt to basically go along, to get along in order to protect feelings.

However, when it is believed the the relationship is possibly over and done with, these same people understand that the truth is probably the best medicine to help with the break-up blues and to help you assign proper perspective to things. So, they may then speak their hearts and minds.

My advice to NuGirl would be to take stock of what older and wiser people say -- especially after they believe that what they say will not hurt your feelings. It seems to me, that these people must care for you quite a lot and only after they thought that there would be little adverse affect on your feelings, they told you what they believed -- and they told you because they care.

There is a message in this for you and you should consider this scenerio an important sign post. There are sign posts all along lifes every path. You simply need to look for them.

It's possible that they are moreorless neutral in their feelings, but since you said you broke up, they may have figured it would help you to heal if they pointed out the negative in the relationship. You may find that when you tell them you have reconciled, they will be happy for you and may think of something positive to say.

I think that the older and wiser we become, the more we understand that it seldom pays to interject one's opinion (voice approval or non-approval) with regards to another person's relationship. This is usually a no-win situation. If you voice non-approval, it's bound to rub someone the wrong way. So, most people will opt to basically go along, to get along in order to protect feelings.

However, when it is believed the the relationship is possibly over and done with, these same people understand that the truth is probably the best medicine to help with the break-up blues and to help you assign proper perspective to things. So, they may then speak their hearts and minds.

My advice to NuGirl would be to take stock of what older and wiser people say -- especially after they believe that what they say will not hurt your feelings. It seems to me, that these people must care for you quite a lot and only after they thought that there would be little adverse affect on your feelings, they told you what they believed -- and they told you because they care.

There is a message in this for you and you should consider this scenerio an important sign post. There are sign posts all along lifes every path. You simply need to look for them.


Back in the 70's, a friend of mine married a woman whom he met through me. I had met her first, and we hung out together for a while. At the wedding, her father said of me 'he's the smart one!'. He knew his daughter pretty well, I guess!

Needless to say, the marriage didn't last....

It's possible that they are moreorless neutral in their feelings, but since you said you broke up, they may have figured it would help you to heal if they pointed out the negative in the relationship. You may find that when you tell them you have reconciled, they will be happy for you and may think of something positive to say

I think, of all the responses on this thread, yours makes alot of sense. It's quite possible that NuGirl's friends who were "supportive" had opinions that were either neutral or only weakly negative, but when she broke up it shed a negative light on him. They immediately pointed to the obvious [the age gap] and blamed that. As a friend, you want your friend to be happy, so if you don't have a strong opinion then why upset the apple cart? If she tells them that she's gotten back together, they may be supportive if that as well, and take back what they said before. Alot of my friends over the years have "changed their minds" on age-gap related issues, numerious times!

An old friend once advised me: "If you choose someone much younger, people will have opinions which they will keep to themselves. If it works, they'll say 'great'. If it doesn't, they'll say "Aha! See, I knew it! It was the age difference!".

I think, of all the responses on this thread, yours makes alot of sense. It's quite possible that NuGirl's friends who were "supportive" had opinions that were either neutral or only weakly negative, but when she broke up it shed a negative light on him. They immediately pointed to the obvious [the age gap] and blamed that. As a friend, you want your friend to be happy, so if you don't have a strong opinion then why upset the apple cart? If she tells them that she's gotten back together, they may be supportive if that as well, and take back what they said before. Alot of my friends over the years have "changed their minds" on age-gap related issues, numerious times!

An old friend once advised me: "If you choose someone much younger, people will have opinions which they will keep to themselves. If it works, they'll say 'great'. If it doesn't, they'll say "Aha! See, I knew it! It was the age difference!".


But I have heard 'why didn't you say something?'

On the whole, I think it is usually best to remain silent unless you think the guy or gal has a serious flaw that you can see, and your friend (for some unfathomable reason) cannot.

If asked, however, I do not hesitate to express my opinion if I feel there is a potential problem.

But I have heard 'why didn't you tell me?'

On the whole, I think it is usually best to remain silent unless you think the guy or gal has a serious defect that you can see, and your friend (for some unfathomable reason) cannot. If asked, however, I do not hesitate to express my opinion if I feel there is a potential problem.

And I feel the same way..I would feel if my friend wanted my opinion she would ask..otherwise, I wouldn't say..of course, unless I noticed a serious defect that I thought she should be aware of...alot of people don't feel this way...they will give their opinion regardless if you want it or not..so being able to keep your mouth shut unless asked is an admirable trait indeed.

And I feel the same way..I would feel if my friend wanted my opinion she would ask..otherwise, I wouldn't say..of course, unless I noticed a serious defect that I thought she should be aware of...alot of people don't feel this way...they will give their opinion regardless if you want it or not..so being able to keep your mouth shut unless asked is an admirable trait indeed.


But I have heard 'why didn't you say something?'...

It's best to have an understanding about such matters beforehand...and to stick to it!

I'll never forget the bride's father's comment about me: "He's the smart one...."

But I have heard 'why didn't you say something?'...

It's best to have an understanding about such matters beforehand...and to stick to it!

I'll never forget the bride's father's comment about me: "He's the smart one...."

I actually did say something when my youngest sister married her first husband. I told her that she was more than likely going to outgrow him in 10 or so years because she was more intelligent and ambitious than he was. She did outgrow him. She divorced him after about 12 years of marriage.

About 5 years ago we were all sitting out at a barbeque and after a few beers she started to talk about her first marriage and asked all the other relatives why they never said anything to her about marrying the first guy. Then she looked at me and said, "well bub was right and she told me that I shouldn't marry him" and even though I didn't listen to her, I really give her credit for trying to look out for me.

So I did say something in this case. My sister said that maybe if some of the other family members had said something too, she may not have married him at all.

So I did say something in this case. My sister said that maybe if some of the other family members had said something too, she may not have married him at all.

That doesn't always work, unfortunately. People want what they want "now", and often don't listen to loved ones. My version of that is non-relationship related but the principle applies here. One of the choices I regret the most is the choice to move to a new job where an old buddy of mine was the hiring supervisor. It seemed great! Working with old friends again, a big pay raise, and a new opportunity. My wife had a bad feeling about it and said no. After an argument, she finally broke down and accepted my decision. As it turned out, the company was poorly mis-managed, the buddy who hired me eventually left, the person who took his place was a monster to work for, and the job ended disasterously! I was even unemployed for a short period! If only I had listened to my wife!! Thankfully I have a new and better job now, and it all ended well.

first of all, I am happy that you sorted things out with your OG. Any couple will have a quarrel every once in a while. But in an AG relationship, people will always say that the problem is our age-gap because it's the first most obvious thing to point at, for them.
I agree with softsong and summerbob. It may be that they were just trying to help you feel better, and not that they were against your relationship. But if you feel like that they weren't honest in their opinions then you have to review what kind of relationship you have with them.
I also went through it, and I had the same response from family and friends. Later I felt that I couldn't speak to them anymore about my relationship. I felt like I was obliged to give a justification for quarreling and then getting back together. We don't have to report to anyone what's going on in our relationships. I realised that it is better not to discuss my relationship with anyone (maybe just 1/2 real trustful persons of your choice). Discussing your relationship gives them a right to give their opinion about it. In my case, I found it wiser to keep things between me and my OG. Even if we quarrel I never say anything to anyone. I leave some time to pass before saying that the story it's over, because in some cases (like yours as well) it's just a quarrel not the ending of the relationship.
PM whenever you feel like!

[QUOTE=NuGyrl]My OG and I had recently been going through some problems and I decided to call it quits. When I told my family and friends that I had ended things, a lot of people who I thought was behind me, really were not. Their real opinions about my relationship came out after I ended things. Alot of them convinced me that I was doing the right thing, when I was really not sure if I was doing the right thing. At any rate, we were able to work things out and reconcile, but now that I know everybody's true feelings I don't know who I can talk to about my relationship or even I want to let them know that we are back together. Has anybody experience this before? Any advice?? :confused:/QUOTE]

I am going through a similar crisis right now. My wife and I are dealing with some issues and there is a possibility our relationship may be ending too. I have noticed that some family members acted skittish around us, and I am sure that if we do separate there will be all manner of comments. All I can say is they have not walked in my shoes, so they cannot fully understand. If the two of you are back together, be happy for you - not the peanut gallery.

[QUOTE=NuGyrl]My OG and I had recently been going through some problems and I decided to call it quits. When I told my family and friends that I had ended things, a lot of people who I thought was behind me, really were not. Their real opinions about my relationship came out after I ended things. Alot of them convinced me that I was doing the right thing, when I was really not sure if I was doing the right thing. At any rate, we were able to work things out and reconcile, but now that I know everybody's true feelings I don't know who I can talk to about my relationship or even I want to let them know that we are back together. Has anybody experience this before? Any advice?? :confused:/QUOTE]

I am going through a similar crisis right now. My wife and I are dealing with some issues and there is a possibility our relationship may be ending too. I have noticed that some family members acted skittish around us, and I am sure that if we do separate there will be all manner of comments. All I can say is they have not walked in my shoes, so they cannot fully understand. If the two of you are back together, be happy for you - not the peanut gallery.

Thanks for the advice Wvdreamer....I'm sorry to hear that your and your wife are having some problems. I hope you two will be able to work through these problems with having to seperate. I'll keep you two in my prayers. If you need to talk you can always end me a PM.

Nu

I think as long as we seeks for other opinions to fulfill our happiness, it almost surely that we will not find for what we're looking for. You don't need other's approval to fulfill your happiness, refer to your own feelings, instead of referal to external conditions.

best,

I think as long as we seeks for other opinions to fulfill our happiness, it almost surely that we will not find for what we're looking for. You don't need other's approval to fulfill your happiness, refer to your own feelings, instead of referal to external conditions.

best,

I agree...and "everyone" seems to have an opinion...it really gets old..very old...tonight another incident...a younger girl giving me a VERY dirty look when I was introduced as Treb's gf...it really hurts...but I'll get over it....the room went silent...and everyone...all of the teenagers standing together chatting just glared at me....more to the story...but I will just say for now...that I was hurt...angry...and then felt hurt again...Treb didn't do anything wrong...he introduced me as his gf...but they all had a REAL issue with it...it hurts.... :(

I'm sorry to hear that kathyw. Have you ever shared about this feeling with him? and if so, what was his response?