Am I crazy for considering this...

Hi,
I'm a 34 old man who is back in college earning my mechanical engineering degree after a successful run in the software industry. I'm always around younger women and I am finding myself getting closer and closer to a 19 year old female classmate. Initially I thought she was interesting and nice but I really had no intentions of dating her (what would she want with a 34 year old, etc.) Therefore, I just treated her as a friend and never pushed the issue. Over the course of 3 months I found her opening up more and more and I think she may be interested in me. My concern is that she is so young and lives at home with her parents. I almost feel like I'm doing something wrong if I even think about asking her out. I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

My only thought is to exchange contact information at the end of the semester (a few weeks away) and hopefully be able to open up more communication with her and/or possible get together. I don't want to flat out ask her out due to the chance that she may not be interested and then I have to work with her in class which might be awkward.

Any advice would be well appreciated.

Hi there and Welcome to ageless...

Make sure you read around I'm sure you wll see tons of people with the same age difference as you :)

My husband is 17 years older than myself... I am 29 and he is 46 with a beautiful 9 mth old baby boy.... very happy......

Your not doing anything wrong very normal..... I would see where this takes you and don't let something like age interefere which could be the best thing for you.... Take it slow.....

I will tell you also that 19 is young and their are young 19's and older 19's ..... IF she's still in that "party" stage you may not be at 34 so and she may not be ready to settle down... so You never know unless you try... You may want the same things :)

Good Luck!!

Thanks for the response. I'm going to browse the furum right now...

I dated a few men in their 30's when I was 19. Interstingly enough, now that I'm almost 50 I'm still dating guys in their 30's :D

The parents might be a problem. A year ago, prior to getting into age gap dating myself, I would probably have gone ballistic if any one of my 3 daughters brought home a much older man. I also went ballistic when my mother was dating younger guys after she and my dad divorced. So, her parents, not having "been there" might have issues. But they just want what's best for her. They don't want to see her get hurt. I think if you can assure them that you're not a dirty old man, and that you have the best intentions as far as their daughter is concerned (i assume you do) they eventually may come to accept you.

dated a few men in their 30's when I was 19. Interstingly enough, now that I'm almost 50 I'm still dating guys in their 30's

A year ago, prior to getting into age gap dating myself, I would probably have gone ballistic if any one of my 3 daughters brought home a much older man. I also went ballistic when my mother was dating younger guys after she and my dad divorced.

Deb,
Please explain to me how you, who dated 30s men yourself when you were 19, would go ballistic if your daughters did the same thing you did yourself?

I once read a tabloid article about how Julio Iglesias forbade his daughter to date older men. Get real!?? Mr. young girl charmer himself! Can I say hypocrite!????

I've always been a purist, and have always sworn to myself that I'd apply the same standard to my kids that I applied to myself. I've always been a big supporter of OM/YW relationships, and still am to this day! If I had daughters I'd have no problem with them bringing home older men, even much older men. But I don't have daughters, I have sons (a 9-year old and a 9-month old), and I've never had a strong opinion, negative or positive, about OW/YM relationships. I don't know how I'd react if my son, at 20, came home with a 40-year old woman. But I'd like to believe that I'd judge her by her character and not her age.

Deb,
Please explain to me how you, who dated 30s men yourself when you were 19, would go ballistic if your daughters did the same thing you did yourself?

I once read a tabloid article about how Julio Iglesias forbade his daughter to date older men. Get real!?? Mr. young girl charmer himself! Can I say hypocrite!????

I've always been a purist, and have always sworn to myself that I'd apply the same standard to my kids that I applied to myself. I've always been a big supporter of OM/YW relationships, and still am to this day! If I had daughters I'd have no problem with them bringing home older men, even much older men. But I don't have daughters, I have sons (a 9-year old and a 9-month old), and I've never had a strong opinion, negative or positive, about OW/YM relationships. I don't know how I'd react if my son, at 20, came home with a 40-year old woman. But I'd like to believe that I'd judge her by her character and not her age.

Bob - I don't owe you an explanation for anything. However, in my own defense, I do, have and will continue to hold my children to a different standard than the one I held myself to as a young woman. This impure philosophy has paid off. My daughters are 26, 24 and 14 and are far more mature, have made far fewer mistakes, are better adjusted and happier than I was when I was their ages.

To the OP, please let me clarify that my intent is not to criticize anyone, but to point out that loves ones, parents and/or children, may not always react with calm to an age gap relationship. I've experienced it from several perspectives, as a daughter who dated older, as a daughter whose mother dated younger, and now as a mother who is dating younger. It's something we have to consider and be prepared for when we enter into one.

I am 32 and my boyfriend who is 19 lives with his mother and grandmother. It would have been a shame to deny ourselves the chance to nurture our relationship due to the fact that he lives with his mother!

Why does it matter to you that she lives with her parents?

I'm not offended by what anyone says here. I'm glad to be getting objective opinions as those are the ones that are important. It's easy to make a valid argument from both sides. From the parent's perspective I can totally understanding wanting the best for their kids. At the same time I know I have only the best of intentions of possibly taking it to the next level. I wouldn't have pursued her at all but then from working with her in class we grew closer. I would hate to walk away from something that could progress into a great relationship. If I continue to get positive signals from her then I will make the initiative at the end of the semester. If she's interested then I'll deal with the situation. If she's not interested then no big deal. Atleast I will have no regrets.

Thanks again all!

Tyler

Good Luck Tyler Your right You have nothing to lose!!

I would hate to walk away from something that could progress into a great relationship. . . If she's not interested then no big deal. Atleast I will have no regrets.
Thanks again all!
Tyler

I agree. Don't walk away.

To the OP, please let me clarify that my intent is not to criticize anyone, but to point out that loves ones, parents and/or children, may not always react with calm to an age gap relationship.

Sad to say, it's true. I hope with the internet, and the more free and open exchange of ideas that it offers, people will start to open up and question the standards we've lived with that are purely cultural. Bear in mind that we live in a society that for several decades now has openely accepted homosexuality, young unmarried couples shacking up, single parenting, pregnancy out of wedlock and abortion. It has always bugged me to no end that, in this context, we are still in the stone age when it comes to accepting age-gapped relationships!

I started getting grief for my younger taste when I was 33. I briefly had a 21-year old penpal in Kansas. She wrote and told me her parents "hit the roof" when they found out my age. Come on, get real!! I was a mere twelve years older than she was! Her parents were 9 years apart. I guess 9 years is okay but 12 isn't.

Around that time I started writing to girls in the Philippines. I took my first trip over there to meet a penpal when I was 34. She was 19. I was never questioned about age. I met another penpal some time later and we married when I was 36. She was 21. Again, we were never questioned about age. Parents over there love their kids as much as we do here, and they do hold their kids to higher standards in many areas than we do here. When I met both my ex- and my wife, the dates were chaperoned and and I was required to meet the entire family, including extended relatives. We never would have been allowed to spend a nigh together in a hotel, or french kiss in the car seat at a drive-in movie, or engage in any kind of sexual behavior whatsoever.

So, if any of you men in this audience are single, looking for YW, and tired or afraid of getting badgered by angry parents/siblings/friends or other relatives about your age difference, then you might want to consider an alternative method. . PM me and I'll tell you more about it.

No you are NOT crazy.
I find it a wise strategy to wait till the end of the semester to exchange contacts with her. It would be awkward to deal with her in class if things do not move on perfectly.
If she showed interest in you, then you can give it a try. Not all 19-year olds are 19yrs in their minds, maybe you'll find she's more a woman than a girl. On the other hand, if she just wants a flirt and is still in her party-stage, then reconsider dating her. I'm saying this because it seems that you are approaching her with serious intentions (correct me if I'm wrong!).
Regarding the age gap, it depends how she feels with it and how she views such a relationsip, but 15 yrs is not a huge difference.

Silly, I think. But, I think I really know Tyler Durden.

Can you elaborate Mamababy? What are you telling us?

Uh yeah..what are you talking about MB?

Well on Wednesday, my female classmate friend was having a really bad day and expressed her frustration to me in class. Unfortunatly we really didn't get a chance to talk much. When class was over I very confidently handed her my phone number and email address and told her that if she wanted to talk and get out her frustrations she could shoot me an email or call. I told her I would be her social support which is something we do in class when working in groups.

After I left class I felt like I did something so wrong and I regretted it. I couldn't even focus on my other classes. I felt like an idiot. I kept thinking, "You are 34 years old what the heck were you thinking".

In the afternoon I got home and just about fell over when I saw an email from her! We have been emailing each other back and forth ever since so things look like they are headed in a good direction. From the content of our emails I do believe she feels the same way but I'm still being a little reserved as is she.

If we don't disclose our feelings to one another soon I am simply going suggest we both go out and celebrate the end of the semester which is next week. That way no awkwardness and even if it doesn't work out in my favor atleast I will have no regrets.

Thanks for all the advice.

Tyler

I am simply going suggest we both go out and celebrate the end of the semester which is next week. That way no awkwardness and even if it doesn't work out in my favor atleast I will have no regrets.

Thanks for all the advice.

Tyler
I think thats a good idea good luck ..never live with a what if..or I should have I say go for it at least you will have a good friend :)

Hmmmm . . . just try to keep things in perspective. I think you are wise not to pursue her or ask her out directly. I would let things continue as they are and if it were me, I would focus on being upbeat, friendly, kind and and good friend -- fun to be around. You'll know if she's interested in seeing you beyond the classroom. She won't keep it a secret. I would let her decide what her comfort level is and let her call the tune to the nature of any potential relationship. This way, there will be no question of what's what, who's on first etc.

Before the end of the term, you might tell her that you really enjoy your chats and you hope that they can continue next term. See how she responds. This keeps things on a netural base -- but does gives her a hint that you find her interesting. After that, if nothing happens -- nothing happens. The last thing you want is her Dad freaking-out and calling the Dean after she tells daddy that "this man" from her class asked her out. There's a lot of fear out there.

good idea to use the end-of-semester as an excuse to go out with her!
and it seems like she will accept your proposal, so Good Luck and Enjoy!

I would say you should go for it and follow your feelings and not letting other issues interfere your happiness and alter of who you are and what your believes.
Like you said, you judge people by their character not by their age. I agree, you should judge people by who they are, not by what they are; their actions will illustrates their character.
However, we should be aware that not everyone have the same level of understanding or open-mind for that matter. But, don't let it discourage you from what make you happy.
best

Hi,
I'm a 34 old man who is back in college earning my mechanical engineering degree after a successful run in the software industry. I'm always around younger women and I am finding myself getting closer and closer to a 19 year old female classmate. Initially I thought she was interesting and nice but I really had no intentions of dating her (what would she want with a 34 year old, etc.) Therefore, I just treated her as a friend and never pushed the issue. Over the course of 3 months I found her opening up more and more and I think she may be interested in me. My concern is that she is so young and lives at home with her parents. I almost feel like I'm doing something wrong if I even think about asking her out. I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

My only thought is to exchange contact information at the end of the semester (a few weeks away) and hopefully be able to open up more communication with her and/or possible get together. I don't want to flat out ask her out due to the chance that she may not be interested and then I have to work with her in class which might be awkward.

Any advice would be well appreciated.

Your age gap is not that great so just ask her if she wants to go to a local festival or event in town for a day. You just have a crush on this girl from reading your post so step up and be a man and just ask for a day out. She may become the love of your life or just a friend but don't put off asking.

Hey cool nick, Tyler:)) I love that movie.

I'm your age and I work at a university, so I know what you mean about the young people nowadays..some of them are great to be around, and much more mature than you'd expect.

The only issue I can see coming up would be financial...At 19, studying at uni, and living at home with her parents, it may be some time before she would be able to be a living- partner. I'm not sure if thats what you need (do you have your own home and money?)...but if you're looking for a woman who can be your life partner, you may have to wait a while before she will be ready. Its probably not what you're thinking about now, but it can be a drag when you're carrying the weight of two people financially.