I think I am going crazy....help.

I am 18 years old, my boyfriend is 33 turing 34 in August. We met at work 1 year ago and still continue to work together. However through the aid of computers and the god-given gift that is the Internet we managed to flirt our way into a relationship. He has always been hesitant about being with someone 16 years younger, and all I could do is assure him that "I may be only 18, but i know what I want and where I want to be...and that is with you." But it seems that right now, even that isnt good enough. He has a seven year-old daughter that lives with his ex-wife. I have raised my ex-fiance's daughter since I was 14 years old, so his daughter in no way could hinder my feelings for him, or my want of wanting to be with him. The problem I am having right now is that when I look at him, I see him. I fell so in love with a man....not a 33 year old man....just a man. When we are together we can sit on the couch and watch bad movies all night, eat sushi and just laugh it up and can truly "be" together. But lately this isnt the case. He has become very distant, and she assures me that it isnt me...that it is stress but i am "in there"....and he even makes a point not to answer the phone, no matter who calls. This is iiratating the hell out of me, and I dont know what I can say or do at this point. I love him, with all my heart...I am past the limelight stage with him, and now all I see is true love and what can be with this man. However; he still is hung up on the fact that I am 16 years his junior....and yet he says he loves me. He really needs to get on this site... :o

-Brynn

Hi,
I'm rather new this this kind of form, I do think I understand what you are going through. I am fifty two and she is thiryt two and when we first meet it was the same thing. She knows what she wants, age is not a facter and bla bla bal. I don't want to come on harsh but in reality, age is a facter. Maybe you don't understand but I think it's true, people grow old together. He my feel he's getting older while you are very very young. He may feel that being as old as he is, that some day a younger man may enter your life, at work, when you least expect it and things my change. I can't speak for anyone but me, but believe me the thoughs and feelings are there. I don't look my age, but believe me I feel it when I wake up in the morning. I am having trouble myself in my relationship and I don't quite know how to handle things but I do know that time heals all wounds. I am not here to give you advise but to help you look and things from a different point of view. I sure you a smart and with youth on your side and being a young woman, it is scary.

Larry

Hi Brynn and to Larry's reply-

I am 21, he 41. Been together 2 yrs, and at the moment its difficult. We work together, thats how we met. Brynn, Larry is right. Age is a factor. It doesn't bother me, but him the feeling is waning. Think about it, how many more chances has this man had in his lifetime to be hurt, to be wrong, to be loved, and then maybe not had it work out? You are 18, and he doesn't not want you around, but he doesn't want you to jump in and think "oh crap, I am only 18 and have made a huge mistake. " He wants you to be sure of yourself. He knows that there is something more to you than other people hes met out there, you just happened to be 18, and he is still trying to figure that out. Give him time, you guys will come around. MamaBaby.

It seems like he's refusing to speak about what's truly bothering him.
If it's really stress, then he might explain what type of stress and what's the source of his stress!
If it is what you are suspecting, then you need to speak a lot about it, or maybe leave time pass. Although I wouldn't recommend it to leave it for time to pass, because he or you might get more distant, more colder.

My OG (he's 55, I am 24) also had his doubts and even myself was doubtful. We had split up because we thought it was useless to continue the story. But we went crazy without each other!!! Our time apart served to show us that age is not the determinant factor in our relationship.

I may suggest that you speak with your boyfriend and make sure that he understands that you are suffering because you are feeling out, tell him explicitly that you are in pain because you feel that the relationship is deteriorating. Tell him that if there is something to work on together you are ready to do it, because you love him and wish that your relationship works healthily.
Maybe this time of your relationship is testing your love for each other and at the end it will take your relationship on a higher level.

You mentioned that he doesn't answer the telephone, and it's irritating you. Do you think he is hiding something? You don't need to answer my questions if you don't feel like. You can PM me anytime you want.

Hi Amandalee
You mentioned time apart. As I said earlier in my suituation thins are a little shakey and I am not sure how I should addess. I feel she's not feeling this way out of meaness but confusion. I care for he and be being older should understand more, but being human I still fell some what sad. I thought about giving her space and moving out and seeing how things go but understand, I'm not getting younger and my chances of dating and going out have long passed. There are alot of things I want to accomplish and stopping and starting again and again has it tolls on older people. I didn't chose fot fall in lover with and younger woman it just happened. Still younger woman have a lot to learn and I don't want to play the father roll. If I do move out what if she or I don't want to get back together again for fear of doing it all over again?

Larry

Hi Brynn and to Larry's reply-

I am 21, he 41. Been together 2 yrs, and at the moment its difficult. We work together, thats how we met. Brynn, Larry is right. Age is a factor. It doesn't bother me, but him the feeling is waning. Think about it, how many more chances has this man had in his lifetime to be hurt, to be wrong, to be loved, and then maybe not had it work out? You are 18, and he doesn't not want you around, but he doesn't want you to jump in and think "oh crap, I am only 18 and have made a huge mistake. " He wants you to be sure of yourself. He knows that there is something more to you than other people hes met out there, you just happened to be 18, and he is still trying to figure that out. Give him time, you guys will come around. MamaBaby.


Thank all of you guys for the wonderful input thus far....it has helped me in so many ways. Mamababy: I am sure of myself, but i do not know how to express this to him. I know that he is "the one" our souls just connect...hes feels it and I feel it. But my problem still lies if i give him space....I will lose him...and if i dont....I will lose him. damn these catch 22's!

It seems like he's refusing to speak about what's truly bothering him.
If it's really stress, then he might explain what type of stress and what's the source of his stress!
If it is what you are suspecting, then you need to speak a lot about it, or maybe leave time pass. Although I wouldn't recommend it to leave it for time to pass, because he or you might get more distant, more colder.

My OG (he's 55, I am 24) also had his doubts and even myself was doubtful. We had split up because we thought it was useless to continue the story. But we went crazy without each other!!! Our time apart served to show us that age is not the determinant factor in our relationship.

I may suggest that you speak with your boyfriend and make sure that he understands that you are suffering because you are feeling out, tell him explicitly that you are in pain because you feel that the relationship is deteriorating. Tell him that if there is something to work on together you are ready to do it, because you love him and wish that your relationship works healthily.
Maybe this time of your relationship is testing your love for each other and at the end it will take your relationship on a higher level.

You mentioned that he doesn't answer the telephone, and it's irritating you. Do you think he is hiding something? You don't need to answer my questions if you don't feel like. You can PM me anytime you want.

I am so dreadfully afraid that if i leave him alone with unfinished business that I will lose him, I want to help him and be there for him...right now I know I need him more than anything, and he isnt there. He is at home, sleeping trying not to think of me...
I did think that he was hiding something from me for awhile, and still I am not sure...I have asked him point blank if he was seeing someone eles, and he responded with "no...i would never do that to you....you know that."
Also the past couple of nights I have said "i love you" to him when he did manage to pick up the phone, and either he didnt respond or changed the subject. That broke my heart....so I went out on a limb this morning and called him and he was up...he said that "i thought this would go away when you turned 18 (tomorrow is my birthday by the way) but it hasnt...and I dont want to string you along for 5 or 6 months down the road." I asked him, what we were doing for my birthday tomorrow (we originally had plans to be together) and he said "you should go out with your friends."......I had no words besides "I want to be with you on my birthday..." I sighed and said..."ok Ive got to jet to class...I will call you tonight. I love you."....he sighed back and said. "i love you too."

**** me for loving him so much and not being able to think rationally because the pain is blinding. :confused:

Hi Amandalee
If I do move out what if she or I don't want to get back together again for fear of doing it all over again? moving apart is 50% / 50% risk, because it either shows that you can stay fine w/o each other and destroy your relationship, Or gets you closer because you realise that you cannot stay w/o each other.

Larry, I don't know what kind of relationship you have, but if it were my OG, I would appreciate that first he addresses the following issues before making his decision to leave: did you speak about what you are feeling with your yw? Do you want to give her space because you are not anymore in love? or because of any insecurities that you might have, like she finding another younger partner? or maybe she's not showing you enough love/affection/respect?

I understand that at certain times you may feel that age difference is a burden but it depends on what issues, and to what degree it is affecting your relationship.
I don't know why your yw is feeling confused, it could be a temporary thing but it could also be something more, and not to discard. maybe she comes with a baggage of experience or an external factor is stressing her?

Apologies to Brynn for going out of point from her thread. Larry, you may post a new thread for yourself if you feel like discussing your situation further.

Hey
I can quite put my finger on it from what you said, but I suspect mix filling on his part. Not to pry but has he ever been married, have any children or when you first been how long from his last relationship before you and him started dating? I only ask these questions because you are so young and being so, the only thing you could be offering him is temporary companionship. Sometimes men want more. I'll give you and example, if you were a career woman who has established herself and know her career path. I'm no expert just a thought, only because of what you have described. Once when I was younger, a girl, and I say girl once told me, I love you but I'm not in love with you. It took me months to figure that one. Another one told me, it me not you, after I bought her a car, furniture, payed her credit cards, wow what a mess. Just don't read between the line's read the whole line. Am I making any sense at all?

Larry

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. It must feel bad being left alone (or just with friends) on your birthday. I can imagine that you'd prefer and want to spend your b'day with your loved one.
Btw Happy Birthday. May you have a good relaxed day!
But I would take this occassion to raise up any issues. I would tell him straight plain that letting me go out with my friends on my b'day means that he's not anymore interested in me, and is a clear sign that he doesn't love me. I would tell him to take a position and decide if he's willing to take on the commitment and the responsability of the relationship. I would show him that he's hurting badly your feelings.
I understand that you may step back from explicitly confronting him for the fear of losing him. And after all, you know him better than me! But if the situation is hurting you, then something must be done.

Hope it helps! You can PM anytime!

Hey
I can quite put my finger on it from what you said, but I suspect mix filling on his part. Not to pry but has he ever been married, have any children or when you first been how long from his last relationship before you and him started dating? I only ask these questions because you are so young and being so, the only thing you could be offering him is temporary companionship. Sometimes men want more. I'll give you and example, if you were a career woman who has established herself and know her career path. I'm no expert just a thought, only because of what you have described. Once when I was younger, a girl, and I say girl once told me, I love you but I'm not in love with you. It took me months to figure that one. Another one told me, it me not you, after I bought her a car, furniture, payed her credit cards, wow what a mess. Just don't read between the line's read the whole line. Am I making any sense at all?

Larry

yes he was married, and yes he has a daughter as I stated in my first post. Anyway, thats what we both orignially wanted...but it grew into us both wanting more.

Age is only a factor if you let it be a factor. I am 47, my wife is 32, and we don't even notice that there's an age difference. We have two kids, a 9-year old and a 9-month old, and I believe those kids are keeping me young. If you let yourself feel old and think that age "is a factor", and that your girlfriend/wife might leave you for a younger guy, or get tired of looking at you, or "blah blah blah", then it will control your life. On the other hand, if you let "possibility thinking" influence your life, then you can amaze yourself at how young you can feel at any age, and what you can achieve.

I have a friend who is now 60 years old. He lives in the Philippines with his 36-year old wife, whom he married when she was 24, and their 7-year old daughter. They are a happy, active, healthy family, and they live each day to the fullest. He's a private consultant who now owns his own software outsourcing business and employes about 15 people. He could have said he's too old to do what he's doing, but he didn't let negativism rule his life. We should all learn a lesson from people like him!

To answer your questions, SsBrynnsS, the 16-years between you and your OM is really not a big deal. Read some of the posts on this forum. There are people here who are 30 or more years apart, who are making their relationships work. You should go to the thread "What are your age gaps in #'s" and read some of posts there, it will make you feel alot better about your 16-year gap! What age gaps work for what people really depends more on the people than it does on the ages.

Age is only a factor if you let it be a factor. I am 47, my wife is 32, and we don't even notice that there's an age difference. We have two kids, a 9-year old and a 9-month old, and I believe those kids are keeping me young. If you let yourself feel old and think that age "is a factor", and that your girlfriend/wife might leave you for a younger guy, or get tired of looking at you, or "blah blah blah", then it will control your life. On the other hand, if you let "possibility thinking" influence your life, then you can amaze yourself at how young you can feel at any age, and what you can achieve.

I have a friend who is now 60 years old. He lives in the Philippines with his 36-year old wife, whom he married when she was 24, and their 7-year old daughter. They are a happy, active, healthy family, and they live each day to the fullest. He's a private consultant who now owns his own software outsourcing business and employes about 15 people. He could have said he's too old to do what he's doing, but he didn't let negativism rule his life. We should all learn a lesson from people like him!

To answer your questions, SsBrynnsS, the 16-years between you and your OM is really not a big deal. Read some of the posts on this forum. There are people here who are 30 or more years apart, who are making their relationships work. You should go to the thread "What are your age gaps in #'s" and read some of posts there, it will make you feel alot better about your 16-year gap! What age gaps work for what people really depends more on the people than it does on the ages.

well, thanks for the advice, but alas...i am not the one who is hung up on the age gap. My OM is the one with the problem..../sigh.

Brynn-

Take no offense. Believe me, things are so difficult at times. You gotta step back and take a breather. Not necessarily time apart, but when things bother you and they become so cluttered in your head. Find a place to put them for the time being and get back to them later. I know how you feel, it feels good to be with someone "like that". You know, the couple that others envy. People look at the two of you and think, "wow, they're awesome together." It'll work out. Just remember who sleeps next to you at night, it's a calming thought. That person doesn't have to really say anything, they just make you feel good. If that's how he makes YOU feel, hang in there. Things will just work out.

I just wanted to take a moment and wish you a happy birthday. I know this may not mean much comming from a total stranger but still try and enjoy the day of your birth.


Larry