An update after a year - Am I being selfish?

Hi All,

I actually am logging in here after so long - my last post was in Feb'04!!
Miraculously, I am still with my older man (we've been together 1 yr 8mths but it feels much longer). In fact, I have since moved countries & we live together now.
Although I would say we are pretty happy, I am still adjusting (I just moved to tis new country & into his place about 6 mths back) with everything....i would say that the hardest thing has been adjusting to him as a father (he has 2 teenage kids from a former marriage, living with their mum). I have new feelings of jealousy that although I try hard to conceal, still feel intuitively, tat I am his number 3 priority (after his 2 kids).
I am now faced with all these emotions....will I ever be number one to him?
I'll be 27 soon....on 1 hand, I see myself with him long term & I am in no rush to settle down (am looking at settling down at or around 30-something) but the one thing that I want in a man will be that he takes me as number 1.....
Am I being selfish? Am I expecting too much? Personally, that is my need & I don't think I should settle for less than Number 1 :(

Hello!
I advise you NOT TO HURRY up! Just now You are to try to become his CLOSEST friend and to become a VERY VERY NECESSARY detail of his life!!!

His kids will grow older, they themselves will not want to go on with close relationships with your MAN! They will have their own friends and their own love -- AND JUST AT THIS MOMENT YOU ARE TO BE NEAR YOUR MAN!! - and just at that moment you will become person number one to him!!

It is possible, that you have ALREADY BECOME number one FOR HIM -- BUT SOME MEN NEED SOME SPECIAL STRESSFUL SITUATIONS TO UNDERSTAND WHO IS WHO FOR THEM! You are just to wait!!!!!!!

Boy, you are right, the children thing is always a difficult issue. I have two teenagers, my guy has three adult children. Right up front, I told him my kids were the most important thing in my life. He agreed, and also made his point how much a part of his life his children and (and grandchildren) were. So the ground rules were set and we both agreed, no b****ing about child commitments. It is a bit easier since we are both in the same boat, but I think it is even hard for us sometimes to understand. Good luck and hang in there !

Thank you both. I guess the both of us are still in the adjustment stage (having just moved in together in the last 6 mths). When I moved in, it was also the first time I met his kids (although I see them regularly now). It is my first relationship, of cos, with a man who already has kids. A lot of the adjustment has to do with the fact that men I've previously dated didn't have the same responsibilities that he has as a father.
It is just hard cos every lady doesn't want to invest themselves & end up boken-hearted, I guess....When belka mentioned abt being around him the moment his kids start realising/'grow out of of their dad', that is blatantly admitting that I have his no. 3 and I hate having to stand by & wait to become no. 1 :(

Like the other day, I was saying that I am planning to get a car in 2 mths (at present, he has 2 but one is older & unused as it is reaching scrap). He chipped in that he was planning to trade in the older car after June & purchase a new car anyway. So I jokingly mentioned that I could use that one. Straight away, he followed my statement saying," (his daughter) will be old enough to drive in 3 yrs & can take over the car". once again, I felt miserable :( & hurt. it was like he was blatantly putting it that tis 2nd car is & never will be mine.

So i just kept quiet & changed the topic...but that hurt.......

The couple in the marriage hold each other as priority first, and foremost. Then the children are first priority to them as a couple... aka The United Front. So many couples face the empty nest syndrome when their kids fly away, and sadly turn to realize that they can no longer connect because they lost each other in nurturing their kids before nuturing each other.

Maybe he meant: He plans to trade in the car, for a new one, and since the daughter would use it in 3 yrs, it would be yours until then? If that's the case... then your money is still yours, and in 3 yrs when you hand over 'your' (LOL) car ;) ... who knows... :)

~Rose~

I agree with Amina and Cher....thinking in terms of numbers can be bad for your relationship and can cause problems. However, you must understand that when dating someone that has kids, things will pop up that need to be dealt with. And you need to know that those things need to be dealt when in the present time. I don't think you are being selfish in feeling the way you feel, I just think it's a limited view. For instance, my main priority is my education (starting graduate school in the fall), however it doesn't take prescedent to my OG. He has four teenage children and they are his main priority, however they do not take prescedent to me either. I think as long as you guys know where you stand and you are standing on the same page...this matter will dissolve.

Nu

Thanks guys....

I guess it boils down to getting used to him having kids. Bottom line is that I have never dated a man with kids, much less teenagers.

And it doesn't help that I look much younger than my years, especially when I am in my casuals. Its hard feeling like his girlfren sometimes when people mistake me for a 21 yr old (I am almost 27). Also, I am finishing up my postgrad studies & the kids see me doing 'school work' on weekends (they're pretty unclear about what an mba is & the dad never bothers to explain) and seem to pull me into the 'school-going bracket' with them....so I guess given this environment, my feelings tend to fall back into lumping myself into 'oranges' with the kids..haha...if u get what i mean....

Well I can say that I have a 19 year old stepson who used to live with me... It's very difficult sometimes when their is children....I also have a 10 month old baby boy with my husband and I know that My son is always my first priority.. but my husband is also... They are my family...They both are my Life.... and I remember that my stepson used to try and get in our lives and god that was tough.... I always let them have their time together but My husband knew we needed our own time to.... when their is children involved then we need to realize that they do need to split up their time between their children and their so's or if you can both of you can enjoy the children together....I remember the 3 of us always going out ......

Hang in their... Communication is always the key!!

Whoooaaa... okay... you use the word miraculous (first OP post)here, and I can clearly see why at this point, even though your OM is a great guy!

1. You have moved to another country to be with your OM... so now you're not only geographically far from your friends, family, and the culture you grew up in, you need to learn how to live with each other in HIS house, learn about his ways..adjustments to YOUR ways, on top of that.. etc. STRESS.

2. You're earning your MBA, which requires tremendous focus (another huge chunk of ongoing stress.. been there done that). STRESS.

3. You're dealing with teenagers that are his (even though they don't live with you full-time, they live with their mother, I understand that). Their histories, where you have to navigate where you fit in all the way around, concerning everyone involved... STRESS.

And... all in the space of what... 2 yrs??? :eek:!

Are you being selfish because you feel you should be #1 to you're OM, in his order of priorities? Honey... right now you need to get selfish in being #1 to yourself! Omg... my hat's off to you that you're keeping it glued together so far! Any one of those stresses are enough to deal with under the best of circumstances, and to have all 3? Sweetheart.... ((((((Tar)))))!! I have lived all three, for the exception of moving out of country, I had moved out of state (from the north to the south might as well be another country....lol); have been married to a man (same age, not AG), before we had children together that had previous children, and THAT adjustment. And, the MBA, although by then I was 40, (I'm 44 now... remarried, and have my 2 girls from the ex I moved for), MBA program work is far tougher than a 9-5 full-time with pay job.. I was runnin' 20 hrs. class time, 40+ hrs per week research, writing... etc.... making the grade!, never mind the Thesis to boot. (And, yes... would run into those that looked at it as College=Playtime/Party :mad:, idiots).

It's my guess that although you're OM had moved you to his home to live with him and bring the relationship to another (higher) level, all of the above mentioned is your contribution also, and you want that recognized and appreciated! Of course you feel like you need his shoulder, want to be heard, respected, and you're 'contribution(s)' validated that what your doing, and have done as compromise (and sacrifice) is at least as important, and worth everybit as much as what you feel it is... why?... because it IS! You're feeling that it isn't being regarded as such.. right? Whew, Tar... again... are you taking care of YOU? Meaning... time for yourself to just breathe in your own 'space' of sorts? Eating right.. sleeping long, and well enough? When was the last time you took yourself out and just did 'you ' things... spa, just enjoying a park... whathaveyou? Are you 2 finding, rather making, enough time for the both of you to have alone quality time; communicating?

Yeah... I can see where you would feel that the dad not explaining the concept of MBA to his teenagers (therefore, lumping you with the 'oranges'), and the car thing would make you feel slighted in light of that. I can also see that there's a good possiblity that you're exhausted, and that alone can make you feel alienated when more than likely, although you love each other, you feel like you may have bitten off more than you can chew right now and need him to 'see the light'. Tar, communicate. I know... you probably felt that if you said anything when the car thing came up, it would look like whining? "Man, I'm so tired that I don't even wanna go there.. don't want to rock the boat... but, it hurt... oh well.. but, but..." type thing, right? And, he doesn't possess the mind reading talent, of course. lol.

What I do know, from experience, is that underneath it all, you have got to take care of YOU before allowing yourself to even attempt intrepreting anything else. In that way... GET SELFISH. Exhaustion will have you getting more and more hypersensitive to first one thing... one comment, then one action... to more of that last comment.. confusion, misinterpretation(s), intuition gets eclipsed... so on, and so on... seriously clouds your outlook and never in a postive way. Tell your OM... I know that right now it seems ... "Well, I'll address the situation and confront him when I'm done with this class, or my thesis... or next week" or whenever, because fatigue is closing in your walls - your young so takes longer to beat your stamina, but just the same it's in the process of getting beaten, believe me. Until then, resentment builds, you become more fatiqued, and then finally a blow out with your OM, his kids, your grades suffer... depression, and panic will hit. Downward spiral in a hurry... you feel it coming. :(

However, my last post to you still stands. But, for the immediate moment... again... get selfish in putting YOU first, For You!! Don't alienate your OM, but gain distance emotionally from the 'his kids' thing, enough to just breath, even. THEN, in time when you KNOW you feel better, better rested, time off between classes, more centered... re-analyze what's going on around you yourself.... share THAT with him, then decide together what lies where, concerning the both of you, and his kids. Until then... communicate to him what you need... Not that you need to be #1 to him above his kids.. but that you need to be #1 to You, for the time being and that you need him to understand, support, and allow you the space to do so maintaining that you still need HIM as your second #1 (that make sense? lol) and, could he help you to to achieve the balance that you need for yourself, together. He complies with that, Tar.. and you will be stronger... your relationship will be more solidified and the ability as a couple will be far better to then define who means what and where to whom and why.
((((Tar))))

~Rose~

PS. BTW: I have experienced the 'kids know how to 'work' the weekend bio-parent... oh, he/she has a new relationship? So let's see how we can 'work' that too' thing... territory.. priorities.. emotional blackmail. etc. Keeping in mind that an aspect of exhaustion is paranoia.. just know that I DO understand that even though your man loves you nine ways to Sunday, kids definitely have their stresses to throw into the mix, and the parent totally blind to it... *shudders*. Been there, done that, too. I'm not saying that that's what's happening with your OM's kids... I'm just saying that if you next post that it is... I won't be surprised. Ultimately though... I most certainly HOPE that that isn't the case!!

Thanks ladies....U really help to keep the spirits up & i forgot for a while how helpful tis site has been...especially now when I am in a relatively new environment (country)...it really helps to be able to speak of such matters with people in the same boat. I am sorry but tis is going to be a long post..

Actually, Rose pointed out a few points that hit real close to home..I am actually a lil exhausted & although to some, it may seem that these issues are minimal, I must say it has been a little draining on my emotions from time to time again.

Tis last weekend has been especially stressful. As I have not obtained my permanent residency in this new country yet, I am here on a student visa for now(till I finish next mth) and am holding down 2 jobs to support myself (although I live w my OM). I am saving for payment for the residency and the loss of full-time income(altho my 2 jobs for now sometimes adds up to many more hrs then a full-time job would) adds to the stress levels. I worked till 11pm last Friday and my OM picked me up fr wk. Once we got home, I saw his mobile & picked it up to look at his messages. PLEASE NOTE that I never do tis just that I felt like doing it at that point (No, he has not given me any cause for worry of late or anything). Among his Sent Messages, there was one to his ex-wife that said, "Honey, gd nite, I will call u tomorrow xxx". I was crushed........

Let me explain. His ex-wife is still his wife; they are not divorced yet as he feels that pushing a divorce settlement by court proceedings would result in his assets being made to pay for lawyer fees & meaning nothing left for his kids. I am not resentful of this as I am aware of Oz law but tis is an extremely sore point with me... He has, however, long gotten his lawyer to draw up a settlement order & deposited it with his ex-wife to get her lawyer to vet & her to endorse. However, she has sat on it for 6 mths now....If you ask me, it is pretty obvious that she just does not want to let him go. IT IS CLEAR that she stands to gain much more assets if she were to go through the divorce now as Oz has a 50% law for splitting of marital assets no matter what. Please tell me I am allowed to hate her :o

Back to his sms which was sent to her last week. There was definitely an argument, more so from my side of cos. He said that he had sent it wrongly & it was meant for me. My argument was that the first alphabet of my name & hers are not even nearby in his cellphone address list!!!Mine is 'D' and hers is 'S'. We then went head-on into a discussion that went on for hrs into the morning about hw he was insecure that it was a matter of time that I wld go & find someone my age. He firmly assured me that he would never go back to her tho. I said that I would nt have invested all tis time & moved country if I did not love him completely by now. I told him about my insecurities about his ex & how I felt incapacitated having to wait for her to 'decide to let him go'. I told him how I had my heart on the line if one day, he decided to just go back to his wife. I made him see how I had practically reduced myself to sticking with him altho I stood to lose my mind over tis. I got so exasperated I admitted to him that I wanted to marry a man who was still married & I hated myself for tis. He broke. I guess he had never really realised that I had my mind made up (I thought he would have known from our previous talk about 3-5 years down the road & where we wanted to move-country- to work in a new country). He held my hands & said,'Would you marry me?'...It was not exactly a proposal just a shock statement fr him, I guess.

Since then, we have been better than before. However, he has had to fly overseas for wk again so we didn't have much time together again before he had to leave. Haha, I leave the country of my birth to come here and he's always out of town.....but its ok. I am used to it by now.....

Tar,

I hope you are feeling better. You sound as though you need a really big bear hug, dear heart.

Usually if I person asks if they are being selfish, they are not. It's just the little voice inside that says this situation just doesn't feel like I'm getting my needs met and how do I make that feeling go away.

I can't dissect or overanalyze how he should be behaving but if he had you move to his country to be with him, regardless of his other responsibilities he should be knocking himself out to help you adjust and make you feel at home. Doesn't seem like that is happening to me.

Sounds like he's busy putting out fires...the job, the kids, the wife (to be exwhife whenever)..... You aren't on the radar here too much. Seems like you are just "there".

Nobody can tell you what you need to do, because we don't walk in your shoes. But for me, I've been where you are in some respects, and I wouldn't go back to it for anything.

All I can tell you is take control of your own life and do what makes you happy. The rest will follow.

(((((tar))))))

bub