Some questions for the gentlemen.....

Upon reflection of the men in my life, I've come to the conclusion that men hate questions. I could evoke a look of terror in my ex-husband by asking "Notice anything different?" Is there a paricular question your GF/wife asks that you dread?

In my current relationship, my YM is especially resistant to answering questions. He says that if things are going well, you don't need to examine them.
My philosophy is how do you know you have arrived if you don't question where you are going!

After telling me he loved me, I asked "What does that mean to you? I love you is very serious. It means you've ceased to look elsewhere." Unfortunately, after being left to raise five children and some experiences with infidelity, I'm doubtful.

How can women get the assurance needed without asking questions? It seems that women think more in the future and men think more about the here and now.

Of course, comments from the women would be greatly appreciated.

It seems that women think more in the future and men think more about the here and now.

Heh. I don't think it is anything half so lofty. What it is is basically a matter of defensiveness on their part. Some guys dread questions because they go right to "she thinks I did something wrong" and added to that sometimes is "and I'll have to guess what it was"...even though more than half the time they know darn well what it was. But there is a culture (especially among guys) of avoiding responsibility. So, the fewer questions, the less accountability they think they have to have.

It does depend on the way you ask your questions. If you ask in an accusatory way or put a guy on the spot with your "notice anything different" type of thing, he's going to panic if he has past experiences with women finding fault with him for not noticing. They will respond not by learning they should notice, but by being defensive, and then continuing to avoid noticing in the future.

In short, it has to do with a guy's individual psychology and with your method, both. Not all guys are afraid of questions. I do think that if a guy has to defend himself from all forms of inquiry by saying you don't have to examine things, that is a communication problem and will have to be dealt with. To me that attitude is unacceptable.

:)

Heh. I don't think it is anything half so lofty. What it is is basically a matter of defensiveness on their part. Some guys dread questions because they go right to "she thinks I did something wrong" and added to that sometimes is "and I'll have to guess what it was"...even though more than half the time they know darn well what it was. But there is a culture (especially among guys) of avoiding responsibility. So, the fewer questions, the less accountability they think they have to have.

It does depend on the way you ask your questions. If you ask in an accusatory way or put a guy on the spot with your "notice anything different" type of thing, he's going to panic if he has past experiences with women finding fault with him for not noticing. They will respond not by learning they should notice, but by being defensive, and then continuing to avoid noticing in the future.

In short, it has to do with a guy's individual psychology and with your method, both. Not all guys are afraid of questions. I do think that if a guy has to defend himself from all forms of inquiry by saying you don't have to examine things, that is a communication problem and will have to be dealt with. To me that attitude is unacceptable.

:)


Bullseye!!

~Rose~

There are men who refuse to answer your questions, there are others who are very willing to answer your question, and there are others who raise the questions themselves. Maybe, have a look at the type of personalty you're being hooked on!
It doesn't imply that you should leave your ym, but just analyse him more, without telling him. Does he shows his love in practice? For some men it is difficult to disclose and discuss and speak etc. But he would still show if he means true love or not.

I think a lot of it has to do with many women's insecurities (which, in turn, has a lot to do with the male tendency to wander). Also, men and women do think differently.

I watch so many women do and say things that "corner" the guy. "Does this make me look fat?" being the mother of all questions! Many women also tend to ask questions to which they already have answer they want to hear and get upset if the man answers to the contrary. "What are you thinking?" being the bane of a man's existence. Usually, they aren't thinking anything. Or they're thinking about so many random, inconsequential things that they really don't want to bother to get into explaining it all (but then they should say that).

Most guys don't have minds that go a million miles a minute like a female mind does. They answer, "Nothing" and the woman, who was just thinking about how much she loves her guy, or a trip that is planned or their wedding day, gets upset, because she was hoping he was thinking something along similar lines. Or she thinks he was lying.

Then there's the scene when a pretty girl walked by. She saw the girl, so, obviously he did too. Then it comes..."Do you think she's pretty?" Duh, of course she's pretty. You noticed her because of that, so he would too. Why do women put their guy thru that? Insecurity.

Honestly, biology & evolution has made the female think & process things differently - which is a good thing. I saw a study on this and it made a lot of sense. Think back to hunter/gatherer days. Men went out on long hunting expeditions, women stayed home with the young, old and infirm. Men needed to stay quiet and focused, women needed to communicate with the sick and teach the young. It was imperative for them to develop communication, whereas men had to develop other specialties. They couldn't afford to sit and agonize over the decisions that they made. What's done is done and most men are still like that. Yes, times have changed - but only recently on the evolutionary scale. We were like this for thousands of years and it is ingrained in us. It's not an excuse for obviously bad behavior, but it helps to know.

Women should give their guy the benefit of the doubt and stop before they ask a question and evaluate if it is fair or not and what their true motivation is in asking it.

I have told every guy that I go out with regarding the "Does this make me look fat?" question is not a trap for them. I told Jeremy that I would only ask this if I was concerned that an outfit is inappropriate for my weight. I am very aware that I need to lose a few pounds and I refuse to make Jeremy responsible for making me feel better about it. Now, I make sure I ask, "Does this outfit flatter my figure or should I try something else?" and he knows that he won't get in "trouble" for answering honestly.

I agree with Goldie Cat on one level, but guys have also been scared into not answering questions and it's mostly "our" own fault.

LOL no excuses, you may be right!! :p

I did have that problem with my ex. Maybe I was part way to blame since after awhile I was suspicious of him and would ask all the questions based on my latest suspicions.... oh man, that sounds bad doesn't it? But, even now, I feel I had good solid ground for what I suspected, because it turned out I was right!

Anyway, I learned from the experience. I can honestly say that I really don't have that problem with my boyfriend. We constantly ask each other questions when we see each other. I'll ask him how his day was, what he did etc, and he'll do the same with me. Just filling in, being a part of each other.

As far as asking if I look okay in certain clothes, for instance, I rarely have to ask because he so freely states his opinion.

One time though, he was in this gloomy mood.... this was after he'd been here for about half a year. I finally asked him what was wrong, and he said he 'knew' I was going to ask him that, but that he didn't want to talk about it. I just smiled at him and told him 'okay. I'll leave you alone.' You know, he's never done that again. Not one single time. Now he comes right out and tells me if something is bothering him.

Upon reflection of the men in my life, I've come to the conclusion that men hate questions. I could evoke a look of terror in my ex-husband by asking "Notice anything different?" Is there a paricular question your GF/wife asks that you dread?

In my current relationship, my YM is especially resistant to answering questions. He says that if things are going well, you don't need to examine them.
My philosophy is how do you know you have arrived if you don't question where you are going!

After telling me he loved me, I asked "What does that mean to you? I love you is very serious. It means you've ceased to look elsewhere." Unfortunately, after being left to raise five children and some experiences with infidelity, I'm doubtful.

How can women get the assurance needed without asking questions? It seems that women think more in the future and men think more about the here and now.

Of course, comments from the women would be greatly appreciated.


It's like explaining a joke: If you have to explain it....

Don't talk about the love you have, just do it...

Of all the absurd things women can do, this is the absurdest...

It's like explaining a joke: If you have to explain it....

Don't talk about the love you have, just do it...

Of all the absurd things women can do, this is the absurdest...
Well, to be fair to the original poster, it is a little different when you are in an age gap relationship.

Upon reflection, I asked Jeremy a very similar question about what love meant to him. He told me he loved me so early in our relationship!

Being older, you can have a tendency to look back and realize that what you thought was love in the past really wasn't. It was loneliness or the attention or infatuation or a rebound or whatever. The young and inexperienced tend to put the definition of "love" onto feelings that are usually self-serving and what we want or need in our life at the time.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I could tell you what love really is to this day. I think I feel it, but I guess I will never really know without the passing of time or if it is truely tested. But I can recognize this after so many different experiences with what I thought was "love".

So, when a ym tells you that he loves you, it isn't too hard to wonder if he is really feeling love or if it is just youthful exhuberance and inexperience.

And men do this too, Ornello. Nice of you to tell us how absurd we women all are. :rolleyes:

Well, to be fair to the original poster, it is a little different when you are in an age gap relationship.

Upon reflection, I asked Jeremy a very similar question about what love meant to him. He told me he loved me so early in our relationship!

Being older, you can have a tendency to look back and realize that what you thought was love in the past really wasn't. It was loneliness or the attention or infatuation or a rebound or whatever. The young and inexperienced tend to put the definition of "love" onto feelings that are usually self-serving and what we want or need in our life at the time.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I could tell you what love really is to this day. I think I feel it, but I guess I will never really know without the passing of time or if it is truely tested. But I can recognize this after so many different experiences with what I thought was "love".

So, when a ym tells you that he loves you, it isn't too hard to wonder if he is really feeling love or if it is just youthful exhuberance and inexperience.

And men do this too, Ornello. Nice of you to tell us how absurd we women all are. :rolleyes:

"Just do it". Talking about feelings is a waste of time...

Feel feelings, don't talk about them...

If I'm interested in someone, I'm interested in her, not the concept of her...

So, when a ym tells you that he loves you, it isn't too hard to wonder if he is really feeling love or if it is just youthful exhuberance and inexperience.

but in all fairness........when an older woman tells you she loves you, it isn't too hard to wonder if she is really feeling love or if its just his youthful exhuberance and inexperience that makes her feel like she's in love?

Being older, you can have a tendency to look back and realize that what you thought was love in the past really wasn't. It was loneliness or the attention or infatuation or a rebound or whatever

I agreed with you Kristen, but all this applies to even now in the OW life alot of time, they think they're in love due to loneliness, attention, infatuation or rebound from a bad relationship..........


I'm just saying that the uncertainty of love, or the meaning of love.......it really goes both ways......love knows no age..............

just my thoughts.......

Sora

She asked: Why do men always answer questions by questions

He answered: How am I supposed to know ?

Thank you for your replies. Loucine that's funny!

Orn, I took up for you on that avatar post, don't make me regret it! You say feel feelings. I do feel feelings, but it is not appropriate to act on all of them . For me, I must know I am in a secure, monogamous, committed relationship that has the potential to be permanent. I'm very clear about my beliefs and hopefully present myself in a non-jugmental, non-threatening manner.

It seems to me, men find it easier to have a series of short term flings. It also seems after a while, they become complacient and there still is that double standard.

To say we are absurd, is really a poor choice of words. We simply feel and love on a deeper level. I think it was Lord Byron who said, for men love is just a part of their life, for women it is their reason for living. PLS

One of the lovliest women I have ever known is stationed with me. She fell in love with a man who I thought the world of. He was attentive, caring, and they announced their intentions to marry. I was almost jealous of the attention he lavished on her.

She just informed me at lunch that he e-mailed her and told her he was married and must end their relationship. QUESTION..... Why do this? Be up front and say I am married and I want a short-term romp in the sack. There are women here who will be glad to arrange it.

"Just do it " you say Orn? Talking about feelings is a waste of time? I thought this man had integrity. Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn.

One of the lovliest women I have ever known is stationed with me. She fell in love with a man who I thought the world of. He was attentive, caring, and they announced their intentions to marry. I was almost jealous of the attention he lavished on her.

She just informed me at lunch that he e-mailed her and told her he was married and must end their relationship. QUESTION..... Why do this? Be up front and say I am married and I want a short-term romp in the sack. There are women here who will be glad to arrange it.

"Just do it " you say Orn? Talking about feelings is a waste of time? I thought this man had integrity. Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn.


Just love, and don't say the word....

Actions speak louder than words!

I say do both.... ;) I have a member of my family who I KNOW loves me..without a doubt, but he has not TOLD me he loves me in three years. I would very much like to hear him say it....because it kind of hurts me when he doesn't say it. I know its not the same....but sheesh..if you LOVE someone, you should TELL them.

but in all fairness........when an older woman tells you she loves you, it isn't too hard to wonder if she is really feeling love or if its just his youthful exhuberance and inexperience that makes her feel like she's in love?



I agreed with you Kristen, but all this applies to even now in the OW life alot of time, they think they're in love due to loneliness, attention, infatuation or rebound from a bad relationship..........


I'm just saying that the uncertainty of love, or the meaning of love.......it really goes both ways......love knows no age..............

just my thoughts.......

SoraYes, but you are taking my points out of context. I was responding to Ornello as to why an older woman may question the expression of love from a younger man, instead of "just doing it" . Of course it goes both ways, but an older woman may tend to question more whether or not her fellings of love are coming from "loneliness, attention, infatuation or rebound" whereas she may not have questioned it when she was younger.

Remember your first school "crush" and how it felt like love and you thought you would die when it ended? But, looking back, you can now see it for what it was?

Older women have a lot more to look back on. I didn't say basing an opinion of the ym's feelings on your past experience was fair, I just think that it's a reaction that I can understand.

When Jeremy told me he loved me after only a few weeks together, I couldn't help but look back to when I was 24 and how naive and starry-eyed I was when I fell for someone. After the fact, I could see where I was wrong. I had to wonder, "Is he making the same mistake I did?"

It took me a long time to accept that he was in love with me for the "right" reasons. But, honestly, I still worry that he is "starry-eyed & naive". So, when it came time to admit my love for Jeremy, I looked long and hard at my motivations to be sure that I had "real" feelings" before I expressed them to him. Unfortunately, that isn't something I would have done when I was his age.

Just love, and don't say the word....

Actions speak louder than words!
That depends on the actions. Millions of men who grew up in the 40's and 50's complained that, although their fathers worked hard to support them as their way of showing their love, the boys never felt close to them, because they were never told they were loved. It just wasn't the "manly" thing to do.

Children need to be told they are loved and I don't think we grow out of that as adults.

Granted, it can't go the other way, either. You can't tell someone you love them and not follow it up with your actions.

I say do both.... ;) I have a member of my family who I KNOW loves me..without a doubt, but he has not TOLD me he loves me in three years. I would very much like to hear him say it....because it kind of hurts me when he doesn't say it. I know its not the same....but sheesh..if you LOVE someone, you should TELL them.


Saying "I love you" is easy...and therefore means nothing....

Actions speak louder than words...

Saying "I love you" is easy...and therefore means nothing....

Actions speak louder than words...
Yes, you need to back up the words by the actions, but you still need to say them.

Yes, you need to back up the words by the actions, but you still need to say them.


Yeah, and remember Munich 1938....

Do you want an affidavit? Sealed by a notary public? It still means nothing....

Yeah, and remember Munich 1938....

Do you want an affidavit? Sealed by a notary public? It still means nothing....
What does Hitler and Czechoslovakia have to do with the love between two people??

Boy, you seem really jaded Ornello. I feel very sorry for whatever hurt it was that you had. She must have really kicked you down. :(

What does Hitler and Czechoslovakia have to do with the love between two people??

Boy, you seem really jaded Ornello. I feel very sorry for whatever hurt it was that you had. She must have really kicked you down. :(

She? How about 'shes'. My heart has been ripped out so many times the surgeons give me a volume discount on closing up my chest....

She? How about 'shes'. My heart has been ripped out so many times the surgeons give me a volume discount on closing up my chest....
That explains a lot. I'm sorry that has been your experience. I do hope you find true love some day.

((Ornello))

That explains a lot. I'm sorry that has been your experience. I do hope you find true love some day.

((Ornello))


I have never had a 'break-up' or fight with a woman...they have either just ignored me or politely declined if I expressed interest, or started dating someone else after a while if they do go out with me a few times....

I have never had a 'break-up' or fight with a woman...they have either just ignored me or politely declined if I expressed interest, or started dating someone else after a while if they do go out with me a few times....


That's sad, Ornello. :(

That's sad, Ornello. :(


Yup, if you're short, you're outa the gene pool...if you have any standards at all, that is...

Well, I can relate in a way. I'm overweight and most men aren't interested in overweight women. So, I can understand what you mean.

Speaking for myself, I will say, that my first husband was shorter than me and I am 5'3" and his height was never an issue for me. While I am typically more attracted to taller men on the average, what's much more important to me is the quality of his character and how he treats me. I also find I greatly attracted to kindness, a fun sense of humor and a positive attitude.

So, don't give up and don't let that stand in the way of your finding happiness.

HI Orn,

I'd like to express how sorry I am for the experiences you've had along with the others. You are a great guy, with a quick wit, and sharp mind... and there is someone out there for you..... Have faith!

My current YM is very short. I am also. My ex's were all over 6 foot. I don't consider height an important issue. Intellilgence, communication, kindness,neat appearance, and stability are much more of a concern.

Perhaps, you should do an assessment of your many good qualities(we'll be glad to help you list them) and think on those things. If you fear rejection, it will happen.

My YM had been told by his mother that he was not attractive and that he was too hairy. He worried about his arms and actually didn't want me to see them. I didn't tell him, but that was a complete turn-off. Insecurity of self-depreciation does not become anyone. I'll bet there is some young lady out there with an interest in History that wonders where you are!

HI Orn,

I'd like to express how sorry I am for the experiences you've had along with the others. You are a great guy, with a quick wit, and sharp mind... and there is someone out there for you..... Have faith!

My current YM is very short. I am also. My ex's were all over 6 foot. I don't consider height an important issue. Intellilgence, communication, kindness,neat appearance, and stability are much more of a concern.

Perhaps, you should do an assessment of your many good qualities(we'll be glad to help you list them) and think on those things. If you fear rejection, it will happen.

My YM had been told by his mother that he was not attractive and that he was too hairy. He worried about his arms and actually didn't want me to see them. I didn't tell him, but that was a complete turn-off. Insecurity of self-depreciation does not become anyone. I'll bet there is some young lady out there with an interest in History that wonders where you are!

I just wanted to tell you, Peggy, that that is a wonderful post. All your posts reflect that you must truly be a very kind and caring woman. I'm glad you're a member here.

WhiteRose, what a lovely thing for you to say! This site has made being so far away from home so much easier.

Thanks for allowing me the privilege of being part of such an exceptional group of people. Peggy

We simply feel and love on a deeper level. I think it was Lord Byron who said, for men love is just a part of their life, for women it is their reason for living. PLS

I think that is wrong to be honest. Finding the right person to be happy with for the rest of my lif. is the most important thing for me. Sure there's other things that are also important, but without that my life would be, to me, meaningless. I have to think about my grandad too, who when my grandma became ill and was dying of cancer, looked after her, and when she eventually died he was devastated. My mum said it is the only time she ever saw him cry. He devoted himself all the time she was ill to looking after her. Those are the actions of someone whose love meant more than anything else is it not?

I think the problem is that men in general are taught from an early age to be 'men'. You know, "big boys don't cry" and all that. It's not that we don't have these feelings and that we aren't able to feel things the same way as women do, it's that we are taught to surpress them... to be 'men'. IMO carrying on saying that women can feel things that men can't only serves to enable men to carry on thinking that same way.

I think that is wrong to be honest. Finding the right person to be happy with for the rest of my lif. is the most important thing for me. Sure there's other things that are also important, but without that my life would be, to me, meaningless. I have to think about my grandad too, who when my grandma became ill and was dying of cancer, looked after her, and when she eventually died he was devastated. My mum said it is the only time she ever saw him cry. He devoted himself all the time she was ill to looking after her. Those are the actions of someone whose love meant more than anything else is it not?

I think the problem is that men in general are taught from an early age to be 'men'. You know, "big boys don't cry" and all that. It's not that we don't have these feelings and that we aren't able to feel things the same way as women do, it's that we are taught to surpress them... to be 'men'. IMO carrying on saying that women can feel things that men can't only serves to enable men to carry on thinking that same way.
Wonderful post, Rob!... :)

~Rose~

Thank you!

I forgot to say.... the reason I mentioned my grandad is because, as I said, my mum had never seen him cry till my grandma died. The point there is that on the outside, you might think he was incapable of feeling any emotion, but he was, he just didn't show it because (I believe anyway) he was kinda programmed into the way of thinking that men don't show emotion. Thankfully that way of thinking is changing I think.