Love and Hate

I just don't seem to get it any more. When a relationship is new you feel on top of the world. This seem to be great no matter what going on in your life. Flowers smell good, the day is perfect eventhough it's rainning cats and dogs outside. On a cold night in December it could be fifty below outside but when you are with your woman, or man it doesn't seem to matter. On the other side when the relationship goes bad or having problems it seem trouble follows you every where. Your job seem to be going all wrong, car problems, people problems and things just go bad. I guess what I'm trying to say, what happened. I am 52 and I still want to open car door, send flowers, just sit and talk and be happy just being home and sharing each other company. Not the case with a younger woman. She wants to see the world, get out, be with her friends and just be gone all the time. But I can't blame her, but what to do. Relationships can kill you.

007

it depends on the age and maturity of the woman.
I am 31. I met my guy almost 3 years ago. I was so ready to settle down, and be with someone. I have always been that way. I wanted to meet someone, settle down, and have a happy life with my family.
I almost got married when I was 19. I wanted the marriage, and he did at first but then after we did have kids, that changed and he took off.
Finally, 10 years later, I found my o/m, and have been with him and his family since, and love it.
Be patient, there is someone out there for you!

Hi!
It seems, everything depends upon the personality and psychological type of your young girl.

Some people, even if very young, like to sit at home with the family, like quiet music, reading and chatting with the person they love.

Some other people, even not very young:-))) like noisy pastimes, going out much and be away from home.

You are to choose what type to love:-)))!

If she loves you, then it is quite ok that she spends much time away from home.The important thing is that she always comes back to YOU!!!! (....hmmm....comes back???...always???:-))) - if yes, then there is no problem here!:-)))

I guess this is the point I'm trying to make. In the beginning they or she tells you things like I don't want any more kids, then one day she sees her older sister of 40 have a child and right away she want to have a child. Then in the same breath she's happy she doesn't. Some time she drives me crazy. I am not a quiter but sometimes she tells me she's so unhappy and causes me grief. Right now she's unhappy and when ask what she want, she's not sure. I try and go along with her confussion but that leaves me confussed. When does the older man know what best kick in. You would thinks I can fugure it out, but every relationship is different. Going through this time and time again make me feel I'm a bad judge in woman. I don't want to lose her but sometimes I think it best.

007

And another thing, when I first meet her, I told her I wasn't ready to have a steady girlfriend, I was happy living alone, with a nice apartment and was very content seeing her a few times a week. She started cooking be dinner and boy can she cook. Now I'm lucky if she throws me a bone once and a while. I wash my own clothes, cook for myself, not a big eater and just about do everything for myself. When she comes home, it seems I try and make her life happier, with little or now concern for myself. My mother when she was alive always said it's easy to get a women or relationship but takes a lot to work to keep it. Katty my other half says I spoil her but I thought that would make her happy. The other week I felt so down that I started talking crazy things. Relatonships :confused:

007

I'm going through the same with my O/M right now. You need to find a common ground and compromise. Ideally you want to settle down, she wants to go out and explore the world something she hasen't had the chance to do yet. Talk to her, tell her you will go out with her sometimes and other times she's on her own. This is a difficult stage right now, trust me I know, but you as the O/M have to realize that she needs to do this. Things change from the beginning of a relationship to the point were you are now, people change. She may of been ok in the beginning to live more of the *quiter* life, and now she's at the stage in her life were she wants to explore.

Support her, be there for her. That is all you can do.

Softiee19 and Belka, I understand what you are trying to say, but it sounds easer then it sounds. As the saying goes I'm not getting any younger. Sometimes I feel so old that at some point if our relation has become stronger I may face the point where no one will want me and my time for love will pass. When you are young you have all the time in the world but as you get older you have to start to build on a relationship that will take you beyound the rainbow, so to speak. I'm not saying I'm over the hill but getting there. If I hit the loto and became rich, guess what money talks and when you are old and have all the money in the world looks doesn't matter. I have a good heart and I am caring but that is because of my age, old school, but what happens when of older, what then? Time will become your bigest nightmare.

007

L.Rich007,

I understand that your not getting any *younger*, BUT you knew this GOING into the relationship. Its like your punishing her for being younger, and wanting to go out and experience life. Something I'm sure you did at her age. If you love her you will understand and not think soly of yourself. If you can't handle the age dif/her going out, well maybe you should just move on with your life, and let her go.

True there a lot of things you know going into a relationship. I'm not saying I have a problem getting older and I don't condem her for wanting to go out. You seem to miss my point of how things start out and change through time. If I said I don't hang out with the guys and I like staying home becuase that is what she is into, then later after I'm in my confert zone, start going out, staying late and saying Oh I want to live life, what was all that crap about in the beginning. Do we lie about what who we are and then hope the other person excepts who we have become. When you get involved in a relateionship don't you think there are other persons feeling to consider besides your own. How about haveing a child, what responsibility do you have towards the child. Are you going to do the same thing you did when you were a teenager. That doesn't sound much like a parent but a child trying to be a parent. Yes there is a age different, but talk is cheap in the beginning of the relationship and the real deal come out when things get rough. Would it be so easy to just walk away and give up! Quiting seem to be the easy way out. Love and Hate. The standards of young people are easy to just walk away, after all you have your whole life in front of you. Youth is wasted on the young! It not about just giving up, but maybe you are right, I should act like a young person and quit.

007

I'm not telling you to just get up and *QUIT* what I am trying to tell you, is if you can't except this about her, then you guys are going to continue to have a serious problem, and sooner or later one of you 2 will want out.

And it also Sounds to me like your looking for someone to just settle down with and so on, and the way you are talking it seems that she isen't looking for that right now.

You can't expect her to fully compromise. You BOTH need to.

I think youre putting too much stock into the fact that this woman is younger than you are. I
think the main issue here is that she obviously wants to go out, party and be a single woman right?
Or is she wanting you to go out and do things and party WITH her but you feel that you are too tired or settled down to keep up? Maybe Im confused..... :confused:

This whole post confuses me to, the way it sounds is she wants to go out and party and she wants him to go with or something like that!?!? Atleast that is what i have been responding to.

L.Rich could you please clarify your post ? Thanks!

OK, first relationship no matter what relationship it is are different, there are many small things not mentioned that would make it impossible to make a judgement call given the amount of information. Being tired and to old to party is not the issue. At some point do you realize that things have an order. Example at age 13 have not a care in the world going with your friends and just hanging out. As you get older let say 16 you start to realize you want things like a car to get around to see your friends but guess what, haveing a car brings responsibility, like getting a job. Again as you get older 18, 21 brings on more responsiblilty, no more late night dranking with the guys, I don't drank, never did hate the stuff, but anyway having relationships one after another just doing your thing. Now comes the part you don seem to get. Do you have to stay out night after night getting in around 2:00, 3:00 in the morning when you have or trying to have a family. It not about age it about responsibility to the other person you have become involved with. It about the lies just to have someone in your life to have sex with and not caring about the other part of have a family. I know it's ture that true love is something that you can't control. It's there even when you don want it to be there. Love, deep down love means you will do anything to make the person you love life better then your own. Doing things that you never thought you would for the sake of love for the other person. It not about going out haveing fun it's about the relationship. When a man or I should say me wants to settle down and have real meaning to life family and care about the future, kids and wife, dog and house, then it time to leave the nonsense behind and give everything in his power to make this happen. The part that hurts the most is when you do all of this and the woman can't relate because with age come experiance is when you feel bitter and betrayed because at first in the beginning of the relationship you though she was telling you how muture she is and having a family is what she wanted. I could go on and on but I'll stop here for now. My feeling are beginning to cloud my thoughs so feel free to comment and express yourself in defense of being young.

007

I dont know LRich...I just turned 37, and I am a single mom to my son who just turned 13.
I havent gone out drinking and partying since before I met my ex (my sons father). I guess I was about 21-22 the last time I lived that lifestyle.
Now, I have a serious job and have to maintain a home and good stable environment for my child. I dont go out drinking and partying because that wont fit in with my lifestyle right?
I dont think that its got much to do with my age, but more to do with my priorities and ethics. Maybe you are with the wrong woman?

The part that hurts the most is when you do all of this and the woman can't relate because with age come experiance is when you feel bitter and betrayed because at first in the beginning of the relationship you though she was telling you how muture she is and having a family is what she wanted. I could go on and on but I'll stop here for now. My feeling are beginning to cloud my thoughs so feel free to comment and express yourself in defense of being young.

Make note Larry of your own statement (in bold)

What she was "telling" you... obviously, she couldn't back up. Of course your hurt, feel betrayed, lied too, hood winked... but, it's a mistake to pin it all on her age. Albeit there is the higher risk that young age=immaturity, but that isn't always the case, and unfortunately the only way to find out with any particular person regardless of age is to 'wait and see'.. do they walk-the walk like they talk-the-talk. I have met women of ALL ages that BS their men, as well as theirselves as to 'who they are, and what they're about'. Perhaps you're involved with one, and maybe she'll always be one, maybe not.

Perhaps she 'saw you coming', and manipulated you, and perhaps she's one of those that I mentioned above.

What, Larry... in your heart-of-hearts... your GUT... do you feel is going on. I know... you stated you don't know what to feel, that doesn't feel like misery. NOONE takes being 'pushed aside', and feeling used, well. It's not an age issue as much as it is a persona/character issue with your YW.

When anyone is in the throws of pain, and the hurricane of emotions that relationships that go awry like yours has, apparently, done... (the isolation, the myriad of depressing thoughts, and reflections and introspections, it brings on full force) it is one tough deed to accomplish 'seeing the sun' again. But, you will, Larry. You are NEVER too old to succeed in love, Larry. (You feel you are right now... but, it's a self told-lie... physical follows the emotional... mind aches, body aches.) Too Old, is what the immature would have you believe, wish you to BUY when it's their agenda... and it's all to easy to buy when your 'kicked'... demand a refund.

(((Larry)))

~Rose~

Great post Rose!

We understand youre confused Larry...is this staying out night after night and 'having fun' what your woman has always done from the beginning?

Thanks rose, you make a lot of sense. I read what you said and I thank you for understanding that there are woman out there who take advantage of a good hearted person. I don't have many friends and the one's I do have I don't talk about what I'm going throught. If thing do or don't out I don't want them to be cought in the middle. I thank you from the bottom of my heart to just know that someone can relate to my issues. I am not perfect and I do make mistakes but I try and have a solid idea of what I want the rest of my life to be. I love her and I would do anything for her but soon I feel love will not be enough. Who nows maybe she will realize there is more to live then just hanging out. This is where I feel so helpless. I don't know how to talk to her in a way that wouldn't make her fill like I her father.

Thanks
007

Well I can say forsure it's over and I should be mad as hell. I givin all I could give and still it ends up the same. Woman can say and do what ever they want and have no one to answer to. They can use you and say what they want or don't want and if they don't get it, out you go. I have planned, I have done without, walked in freezing cold to let her have the car I payed for and now that she has her own car after putting thousands and thousands on mine she has the nurve to has what sacrafice did I make. It make me just want to craw in a hole and close the door. I am truly lost.

Larry

Well I can say forsure it's over and I should be mad as hell. I givin all I could give and still it ends up the same. Woman can say and do what ever they want and have no one to answer to. They can use you and say what they want or don't want and if they don't get it, out you go. I have planned, I have done without, walked in freezing cold to let her have the car I payed for and now that she has her own car after putting thousands and thousands on mine she has the nurve to has what sacrafice did I make. It make me just want to craw in a hole and close the door. I am truly lost.

Larry

Omg, (((Larry)))... I am SO sorry for your pain. Oh... and Happy Birthday, albeit late. Damn... what a time for this to happen for you. I wish you a Happy Birthday, and I also extend my wish to you that THIS Birthday for you be the starting point to everything wonderful! I know at this moment that seems rather nauseating, right? But, I tell ya Larry.... dedicating this and all years to follow to the best that's yet to come, is a very real and do-able project!

Larry, it's not true that a woman can do what she wants and have no one to answer to. (ie. would YOU want to wake up every morning and see what she sees in the mirror??? NOT.... Believe me, it'll catch up to her, and others like her, be they man, or woman... promise.) Beyond this horrible place you are in emtionally right now, I know you know that 'these types' of people that go around using, and tossing out, other human beings is not a specific gender issue... nor a specific AG issue. It does seem however that, for either sex quite frankly, there is a strange phenomenon: "the more you give, the harder you get kicked".

Well, Larry... unfortunately that's all to prevailent in too many cases... that's why the analogy exists to begin with, right? I too subscribed to that way of thinking for the majority of my adult life because I myself (along with many others in life) was always allowing myself to be 'set up' in relationships that perpetuated that phenomenon. It really does begin within the self, Larry. The pattern of hooking up with 'these types' stems from within (that any clearer? :o ). We TEACH others how to treat us. That was one HUGE pill for me to swallow, when I indeed came to the point of having to swallow it in order to begin to turn things around when it came to intimate man/woman relationships for myself in MY life. Horrible concept isn't it? Feels like... "Omg... what... I asked to be treated this way? I think NOT!" So we not only get indignant and offended at the possiblity that it is indeed what we HAVE done, essensially. What can't go down so easily... is accepting it.. but, accepting it is what you have to do, to begin to change the pattern. Somewhere along the way we let others treat us the way we do, because somewhere along the way we've demonstrated that it was okay to do so. Not ALL the time, mind you (there ARE those with 'agendas' long before you ran into them, and you are merely another 'notch' but, rarely, I think... I HOPE.) ... but, enough for the other to run with it, so to speak. You begin to feel awful.. sense that this relationship has gone wrong and the downward spiral begins. Communication breaks down... you personalize, and internalize it, then in an effort to 'save the day' you begin to overcompensate left and right. The partner in-turn sees that as not only giving them permission to drive you down, but even translates it into you 'begged for it'! Imagine that. And, the whole time... you were just loving the only and best, and biggest way you knew how. In the end, you not only lost them (which you will finally see is the best thing that could have ever happened to you... I promise), but lost... yourself. It more than just mere pride, your wallet, or material things that were hurt... you were willingly ( I KNOW that's a NASTY concept, Larry! I've lived it!) robbed of... Larry. For now Larry, it hurts.. hurts like nothing else... so much of life feels defeatist and way too hard to do anything about. So be it... for NOW. Give it a time frame Larry... for example... a month. In the meantime.. do whatever (positive feel good things that you personally find as such) that helps you to sustain yourself... cry, scream...post here.. take walks... hit the wall.. then patch the wall...frame her pic, burn her pic... etc. And, when you have a moment go online, better yet get out-and-about to the bookstore and find self-help books... I like to suggest starting with M. Scott Peck's "The Road Less Travelled" to start the journey to YOU started. I'm sure others here, have wonderful theraputic books to suggest also. This is the time for self healing... growing.. re-discover, and new-discovery.

It takes quite a bit of introspection, soul-searching, self-learning (the good, bad, and the ugly) to gain it back, but you will not only gain it back Larry... you will get back far more than you ever imagined you were before this nasty piece of work was brought into your life... into your life to TEACH you, Larry... the toughest but most worthwhile lesson of all... Love Thyself.

Believe me, Larry... the best is yet to come... Happy Birthday ((((Larry)))

Hi Rose,
I had to read your reply a few times. The first time I could bearly see the writing becasue I couldn't stop the tears. I know in my heart you are right. I know that things will get better but right now I feel used. for four years of my life have been spent trying to please her and her daughter. I have given up so much because I was always told to respect the person you get involved with. Time after time I hope that my kindness will be rewared with the same kindness but it always ends up the same way. I went for a very long time without someone in my life, five years alone and when I met her I was fearfull of getting hurt again. I trusted her and wanted so much to have a family. I did everything I could and gladley because seeing a smile on their facies me be feel good. When Denisse called me father it was warm and I was happy. Now she has the power to destroy my happyness and take away everything. I spent vacation time year after year to fix up the house and now to have it taken away for no reason. I was true to her and I passed up so much because that was the right thing to do.

I am getting older and I feel my time as passed. I am tired and I can't dig my self out of this rut. I'm not feeling sorry for myself and I don't want others to feel sorry for me. I'm just getting older and feel that no one will want me.

You are very kind to spend so much time and though into you reply. I have nothing to pay you back with other then to say thank you. I feel that thank you is not enough any more but please believe me I have no other way to insure that I mean it from what is left of my heart. You a stranger have tried to confert me when the person I though loved me as left me empty.

I wish I didn't love her so but I have no control over this. I want t hate because hate makes you strong and Love make you weak. I know I am wrong to feel this way but I do. Hate is for someone who has wronged me and Love should be for those who have helped me.

I sit in my office at home night after night trying to figure out what went wrong. I can't get on with my life because every cent I have went into the house. Now I'm left with nothing but I have my job.

Thank you again
Larry