Family knows, now what?

Well my dilemma is, my s/o and I just told my parents about our relationship, and they are furious. They refuse to accept it, and they say either I break it off with him, or I never see or talk to them again. I can't bear the thought of losing my family, but I can't lose my boyfriend either. We have come so far in this and we have dealt with a lot of hard times. I just don't know what to do. If someone has advice...I'd love to hear it. :(

you are an adult now. You need to let them know that you are happy with your life. It seems they want to still have control over your life. Your parents need to realize they should be happy for you.
May i ask how old you are?, and what is your age difference?
myself, 31
my o/m 47

Lilbabycakes,

Welcome to ageless!

You are in a very difficult situation right now and I am sorry :( Sometimes it takes the family to come around, but usually do.

Again Welcome to ageless!

well once I let you know how old I am, you will probably understand why my parents are freakin....I'm 19 and hes 40...so...any help there?

well once I let you know how old I am, you will probably understand why my parents are freakin....I'm 19 and hes 40...so...any help there?

LilBabyCakes,

I know exactly what you are going through. When my wife and I met in 2003, she was 18 and I was 40. Trust me, the age difference did not sit well with ANYONE on either side; in fact, my parents were a bit more upset than hers were!

I will never forget the argument I had with my dad when the subject came up about Stephy's age. He was furious, and we went on and on for a while...for almost two months I did not call him because I was very upset and offended by his comments. I believed at that point my whole family was against the relationship. Part of it had to do with the fact I got her pregnant before we got married...that was wrong, and I had to own up to the consequences. [My beliefs fall on the lines of the Bible, which teaches against sex before marriage. I will share this particular topic offline if there are any questions.]

Stephy and my mom did not get along very well either. Not for quite a while. The ice did not break until her mom and my mom met in Norfolk for Thanksgiving - I invited the families to eat dinner with us.

Since then, I have gained ground with my wife's family; it is taking longer with my own parents since they are obviously older and a little more set in their ways. She got along better with my middle brother than anyone else on my side of the family.

Because we have fallen in love with someone who is not in the same age group, our relationships have come under closer scrutiny. Family members and friends often will have difficulty understanding the how's and why's...but if you love one another, and are committed to make the relationship work, then be of good courage. I do believe God, in His infinite wisdom, has a reason for everything happening like it does.

You need to stand your ground on being an adult.
Have a heart to heart with your mother and tell her that you really care about this man. Let her know that her support is what you need.
Take it slow. Tell her how he makes you smile, and that he treats you well.
Also let her know that you are aware that a relationship like this might be difficult at times, but this is a very postive relationship for you. And that to grow into a wonderful mature woman, you need to develop, and grow in a relationship.
Learning is the best way. If your mother and father see how happy you really are, at some point they may change their minds.
Like I said, take it slow.
Maybe if your parents see how he treats you and how wonderful he is, they may just have that change of heart. But you also must be prepared that they may not, and you must decide what is more important for you.
Good Luck.:)

Thank you all for your encouraging advice. It has been very hard so far. I am not on speaking terms with my father, and my mother will only talk to me if I agree not to be with my boyfriend. Right now, we are taking a break from eachother (my o/g and myself) to make our families happy. Honestly, I feel as though leaving him for my family would be a big mistake. His mom thinks I am with him for the money (we have his father's full support) and my mom thinks he is with me for sexual reasons. As much as I try to talk to her, all she thinks is that he's an awful, horrible person and...pretty much thinks the same of me. I feel as though they don't care about my happiness and they are just worried about their own reputations. I am hoping, in time, she will see that I am absolutely miserable without him, and at least accept me and not shun me from her life.

Thanks again for all the advice. :o

that's a shame.....
maybe you really aren't mature enough or ready for this relationship after all.
good luck

Well my dilemma is, my s/o and I just told my parents about our relationship, and they are furious. They refuse to accept it, and they say either I break it off with him, or I never see or talk to them again. I can't bear the thought of losing my family, but I can't lose my boyfriend either. We have come so far in this and we have dealt with a lot of hard times. I just don't know what to do. If someone has advice...I'd love to hear it. :(


19 vs 40 is a lot different from 30 vs 51.

I'd say listen to your parents on this one...you're still very young and inexperienced...

Quoted from another post Orno said:

Yes, as I pointed out earlier, we have delayed the onset of adulthood far beyond its natural beginnings in this culture (other cultures, marriage & sex begn earlier).


Hmmm!


Far beyond its NATURAL beginings yet you give the advice above.....19 is beyond adolecense if you ask me.




oh Orno :rolleyes:

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Unfortunately there's no simple solution to make people change their perceptions overnight about AGR and it takes time, more than anything else, to show a couple are in a relationship for all the right reasons. Of course it's a shame people can't be more open minded and just accept but the reality is you need to prove it's right for you over time.

IMHO bowing to pressure and not seeing each other isn't going to help any if you want them to accept your OG; that just reinforces the notion that it's not a serious relationship.

Hope everything works out as you would like.

Quoted from another post Orno said:

Yes, as I pointed out earlier, we have delayed the onset of adulthood far beyond its natural beginnings in this culture (other cultures, marriage & sex begn earlier).


Hmmm!


Far beyond its NATURAL beginings yet you give the advice above.....19 is beyond adolecense if you ask me.




oh Orno :rolleyes:

Yes, but not in this culture...that was my point...in India, Iran, Africa, sure...but now, here, in marikuh, she's not ready...maybe in the 19th c, but not now...

Lilbabycakes....

You should never let your parents make your decisions for you especially if you trying to establish your independance. Your at an age where you able to stand on your own two feet and make your own decisions. If your parents are supporting your financially (for your education) and they are using that against you, then you need to put an end to that right now. I know exactly what your going through because when I told my parents about my OG, they did the same thing. My dad and I are cool, but my mom and I just got back on speaking terms. You need to stand your ground and make your own decisions. If you really want to be with this man and he wants to be with you then don't let your families views stop you two from being together.

Nu

If your parents are supporting you financially, then the way to end their power over you is to be supporting YOURSELF financially. As my dear father always said, he who pays the bills has the power.

If you are not financially independent, then you actually OWE your parents a bit of due in my opinion.

When my wife and I met in 2003, she was 18 and I was 40
...
in fact, my parents were a bit more upset than hers were!
...
I will never forget the argument I had with my dad when the subject came up about Stephy's age. He was furious, and we went on and on for a while...for almost two months I did not call him because I was very upset and offended by his comments.


Wow! I've always heard of the girl's family freaking out and not accepting the older man, but I guess it can go the other way too. The dissapproval of the older man's parents/family can play a big role!

For me it was a little different. I knew from a very young age that I would start out at an older age and want someone much younger than myself. When I was as young as 22 I started having the discussion with my dad, and over the years he grew very sensitive and understanding of my needs. He used to say "The Bible says nothing about age difference in relationships, so if God is not against it, neither am I". One day he surprised me and said "Even a difference like 18 and 40 is not a problem, every now and then I read about such a relationship in the newspaper". So, WvDreamer, I can't really relate to the problems you have with your own parents. I'm sorry to hear it, I'm just glad I have the parents I do.

Around my mid-30s I started striking out with young girls in local/national singles columns [and even got hints of parental dissapproval], so I started writing to a foreign penpal column featuring women from the Philippines. I can only IMAGINE how your parents would have reacted to you doing that!!! But my parents were supportive, and even fell in love with the girls I wrote to from there. They're traditional, family-oriented, God fearing/loving, and they write some of the most gracious letters I have ever read! My mom in particular, having a strong Catholic background, loved these young women. My lovely wife and I were married in 1993 [I was 36, she 21] and the rest is history. I don't know what I would have done without the support of my parents and family.

Do not end your relationship on account of anyone else - including your parents. Even if this relationship turns out to be short term, it is simply not healthy to let others dictate your life.

Good luck.

...here, in marikuh, ...

I'm not going to hijack this thread but I will say, Orn, that your slang, or whatever that cr*p is, almost made me sick.

This is AMERICA.

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Be strong, BabyCakes, and be smart.

Listen to your heart. And if you respect your parents and have trusted their opinions, in general, at least weigh their input in with the rest.

Don't NOT listen to them just because they are telling you what to do. Try to separate their input about the relationship from the emotional 'blackmail'.

I'm not saying that they're right. I'm just saying to give their input the same courtesy that you would everyone else's opinion.

Also, I agree with Marcy. If you are financially independent and not living at home, then you have complete say over your life. At 19, if you're living at home and dependent on your parents, unfortunately, there is something to that. Maybe it doesn't seem right because you're a legal adult but it's a reality.

Once you've truly considered as many aspects as possible, if you choose to stick with the relationship, you'll be more confident because you will know that you looked at all sides of it, and then made your choice.

It will all work out, you know? Just do your best and be true to yourself. Be loving to your parents in the process.

Huggs to you.

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