A fool in love? Newbie

Hello everyone,

I am new to this group as of today, I’ve read through some of the forums and found it very comforting to find people in the same situation as I am. I am a 25 year old woman IN LOVE with a 46 OM. He was my crush since I was 18 years old. I found every and any opportunity to speak to him….even though he was married. When I was 18 we crossed the boundary of speaking into a sexual relationship. I know how that sounds….”married” and I have no excuse to justify my actions…only that I love him and he loves me.

I went away to school….thinking maybe I would find someone else…we continued to see each other on holidays and visits. While at school I tried relationships with other men, however my heart was always with him. Within the past couple of years we talk of being together. His wife and him are now separated and going through a divorce. I’ve left him to figure out what he wants in life, and he has left me with my head spinning.

One thing he says to me….”I love you so much that I want to do what is right for you”. He is worried about the age difference and me not getting what I need and want out of life with him. He is concerned about having children. (Are there any threads out there in regards to having children with OM?) My mom, sister, friends, and his family know about the affair, so it is not the fear of others finding out. I know I want to be with this man…if you can believe it…I’ve known it since I was 18 He is worried that because that he is all I know…that I’ll wake up one day and realize that this life isn’t for me. He wants nothing more to make me happy as I do him. I know in my heart that this man loves me and “wants” to be with me, but can’t get past all these nagging questions in his head in regards to children and my happiness.

Are there any words of advice on how to ease your OM worries in regards to spending his life with an YW? After the divorce of course! Or are his worries plausible….are we destined for failure? And he will end up with his heart broke? My heart tells me no….my mind tells me to think about it. Thanks for your time!

:eek: What???????????

Ornello, why do you even bother responding?

"Listen young lady????" Does she really deserve such a condescending response? She is 25, I hardly think that is too young to know whether or not you are in love. If it is, then half of the members of this site are "merely infatuated."

He left his wife for her...what makes you think that in 10 years time there won't be another 'young lady' to capture his eye...and then he'll leave her too?

It would not surprise me if a lot of people who think they're 'in love' are merely infatuated...

would you really want to be with someone who cheats on someone he made a committment to? He was MARRIED, not separated, not divorced, when you started sleeping with him... that is just plain WRONG and not someone who deserves to be trusted BY ANYONE.

Meanwhile... does HE have a problem with the gap, or does he have a problem that it may be bad for YOU? That's for you to worry about, not him, and is a pretty lame excuse. My boyfriend has NEVER had a problem being 20 myears older, in fact he basically does cartwheels over it and throws himself parades in his honor... there's too much good in this relationship for anyone to be concerned about a gap.

Thank you for the response....even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Yes, what we did was a terrible thing to do....does that make us evil people who don't deserve happiness? I was a bit younger then...and realize that there are wrong and right ways to do things.....and won't make the same mistake twice. He had never cheated on his wife before, he simply married the wrong person. He is the most compassionate, caring person I have ever known.... I'm not going to go on defeding him to strangers.

My question for you is.....isn't there a problem when I man 20 years older than you ISN'T thinking about YOU. In other words....if he is patting himself of the back for having a trophey wife half his age and not thinking about compatablity, long term goals, and YOUR happiness....isn't he SELFISH? My OM just wants to do right by me...he loves me so much that he would let me go if he thought it was THE BEST FOR ME. My defense is that I'm old enough to know what I want...and who I want it with....(others seem to disagree). I can't give him any guarentees as to if we will last forever or that we will always be happy. In fact, with the divorce rate at 1 and 2 marriges end up in divorce...I would say the odds for couples with an age gap is that much higher.

I want to start a family with him, however I do not want to spend the rest of my life convincing him that I am happy because he is insecure with the age difference. Will he ever be convinced that I KNOW what I want....and believe that he is the one I want? Have other OM had troubles accepting that a 25 year old could know what she wants? Can I also ask others.....how many men have had kids after 45 with YW in this site? I think that by my man thinking about mine, his, and possibly our childrens future is more important than the parade he is throwing for himself for nailing a young chick.

Though I find extramarital affairs truly dishonorable, I see that you have realize the errors of your mistake; now saying that I would say wait until your guy finalize his divorce before the two of you pursue any courtship. One reason is that you know that he is no longer in his marriage and another is that divorces are very stressful for the people involved and even more complicating if children are involved. Maybe you two can take a break with each other and see what develops from each other absence. To answer your question about have children after 44, yea there are some couples on ageless that are in that situation. As long as a person takes care of their body and health then I see no problem with having kids at such an age. With today’s medicine and medical practice people are living longer and healthier. But my advice is to wait out the situation and see what develops, who knows; maybe he’ll see a future with the two of you, oh and also be careful. He cheated on his wife and he might do the same to you so tread carefully. Whatever you decide best wishes for you.

Hi foolinlove,
I understand exactly your position. Yes, you have done something wrong, there is no doubt about it, but it doesn't mean that you would not deserve happiness, or the chance for a better marriage this time for your OM. If you haven't been able to separate yourself from him while it is still time, before the affaire was known by others, now that the dammage is done, why give up now? It would only led to the unhappiness of everyone. You certainly know the depth of your feelings with your OM, after 9 years... just listen to your heart. Do people really think that you would find happiness with someone else with whom the norm of society permits your relationship, but whom you will never love as much as him?
Of course, on the other hand, make sure that when he says that he wants your well, it is really about you, and not just some excuse because he does not want to pursue a real life with you. After all, he should have realised that it is him that you want, after all these time.
But I guess the only way to really prove your love for each other would be for you two to form a couple, reconized by the society, and let the time prove it. And yes, it is possible to make a mistake once and not start it again, your new relationship should be just as sacred as any other ones, even he didn't keep his promise the last time.
Good luck,
Sincerly
Pendent

Thanks Pendent for the advice....to answer a few of your questions....in regards to giving up at this point.

I haven't given up on him or us, I've just stepped away from the situation. My friends, family etc., said that you need to walk away and give him time to think about what he really wants and if he can deal with the worries he has in regards for my well being in the relationship (as well as his own). He fears that the day will come when I will look at him as an old man rather than my lover and decide that this relationship isn't for me anymore. His fears are for himself as much as they are for me. You see, our relationship always had love, however he thought there would be NO WAY a hot young girl would fall for him, he just thought it was too good to be true. So when I graduated from college and came back home and he was still #1, it really hit him that this girl really wants to be with me. There is no doubt in my mind that he "wants" to have me as his girl, its all the questions that are in the back of his head that has him being cau
tious.
He was very upfront with me in saying that he would be very insecure and possesive of me because I am a beautiful 25 year old woman with everything going for me. He knows I love him and I will always be faithful to him, however he has these questions in his head that makes him second guess us. My question is, do most OM question things for a while then those doubts and feeling go away, or are they always there...in the back of your head? Will I always have to reassure him that HEs my man and I have no intentions on leaving him now or ever?

My fear is that by stepping away and giving him his time to think that he will think that I am bailing out on him. I fear that he will take this as a sign that things are down to the wire and I don't really want what I thought I wanted. When in fact I'm so happy with the progress he has made, but I NEED him to take the final steps in order to have a normal happy healthy relationship. I think he really needs me right now when going through this tough time, but I can't be myself with him when he is still in close contact with his wife (with whom he works with). My head is just spinning because I FEEL we will work out, but its been such a slow moving process that I'm not sure if it ever will.

So, do I stay and support him? or do I walk away and let him figure it out?

Hi foolinlove,

I just read this thread with a lot of interest... I'm in a very similar situation. I'm 25 and he's 48, and he can't seem to shake the fear that I'm going to wake up one morning disgusted with the old man sleeping next to me. I tell him I'm afraid that he'll wake up one morning disgusted with the inexperienced, naive young woman next to him.

We don't have the added complication of the affair and divorce, but I thought you might like to know that yours is not the only man with these insecurities. I wish I could tell you that it will all work out... we are still working to see if our relationship will work.

All the best,
wljess

Can I also ask others . . . how many men have had kids after 45 with YW in this site? I think that by my man thinking about mine, his, and possibly our childrens future is more important than the parade he is throwing for himself for nailing a young chick.I'm 44-year-old (ALMOST 45) male with no kids. I met someone 22 years younger--she's 22. I want kids. She's too young (in both her opinion and mine). I think it's cool that you fell in love with your professor. In college, I always had a crush on my female professors. Smart is sexy. I think he's genuinely concerned for your future, because my situation is the reverse of yours, and I can envision the same views. I tell her, "You're going to leave me when I turn 50, right?" She laughs and says, "Yes." When we discuss the issue more seriously, she says she doesn't know how long we'll be together. On the other hand, she's constanly asking me if I'll want to be with her "forever and ever."

You see, our relationship always had love, however he thought there would be NO WAY a hot young girl would fall for him, he just thought it was too good to be true.That's so funny . . . that's what I've been thinking all along too. I've said this many times to her . . . "You're just too good to be true." For whatever reason, she seems to be falling in love with me. If she disappeared for a while, I would probably get pretty paranoid and thought that she left me. Not sure how I would really feel. You see, I never expected to get her, so if she leaves, whatever time I had with her . . . was gravy.

But then again, that thing about letting people go and them coming back reinforces that bond. That trust. I've let her go out on her own with only a hint of paranoia and jeolousy. And she faithfully came back, quite early in the evening, into my arms. And the relationship was stronger for me letting her go. I'd never want her to feel trapped.

However, if the dream really did come true (marriage, kids, etc.) . . . I think she may feel trapped. Hard to know anything . . . I don't know anything anymore.

My question is, do most OM question things for a while then those doubts and feeling go away, or are they always there . . . in the back of your head?They're always there . . . somewhere. However, these doubts often disappear for hours, days, even weeks at a time. It's getting better. I'm five months into this now and I FINALLY believe she really likes me.

Will I always have to reassure him that HEs my man and I have no intentions on leaving him now or ever?Yes, by either words or actions. We simply can't believe it . . . a beautiful, young girl, in love with us, IS just too good to be true.

Thank you so much for your responses.....its reassuring to know other men and women are going through the exact same emotions I am in this situation. I'm going to have my man read some of the comments you wrote because perhaps if he hears that its only natural to feel insecure and doubtful about our relationship then he too will feel its only normal. Its easy for me to say "don't worry" and "just go with what you feel", when all he can do is worry about the future. I guess at 25 you live for today and you're not looking to far ahead into the future. While at 45, you've lived for today and HAVE to look at the future.

I hope that as time goes by and he has his life more in order and we can start focusing on "US", then he will learn to ignore the doubt and go with what his heart feels. I wish I could make all those thoughts go away for him.....I wish I could tell him that it will all work out. I feel that my heart has been with this man for so long, that if I haven't moved on by now...I never will, nor do I want to. And I can only hope that he sees my commitment to loving him as what the rest of our lives will be. I guess my advice to an OM would be not to show to much insecurity to your YW, because it may put doubt in her head that was never there to begin with. Its also reassuring to know that OM WANT to have a family in their 40s....I was worried that it maybe something that has passed him by. I look forward to hearing from all of you and how your relationships are going....