He's 23 years older

Hi there, I'm new to this board and i'm so glad that I've found it. I'm 24 and he is 23 years older. We broke up a month ago because he teaches in a very well respected girls' school and us being together in public can make people think that he likes young girls if you know what I mean (and also just in case we bump into parents of the school). So if we see each other then it has to be "secret" more or less. and because of that, he doesn't think it's healthy and he doesn't think that I deserve that kind of dark life.

Well I would really like to get back together with him because he is someone I love very deeply and it doesn't matter if he will be gray and with winkles and stuff in 10, 20 years time. and i know he wants to be with me just the same, but right now he is thinking about my future, he thinks I don't deserve an old man (yes he has a bit of self esteem problem but i think it's just mid life crisis)

I don't really have the support of my friends and family, but I've decided from day 1 that I wanted to be with him that I have to be strong because it is what I want. I've also asked myself many questions. i know it's not a crush or infatuation because I was in love with him for 2 years before we started seeing each other and since then I haven't stopped loving him. I don't see myself as "missing out" on seeing guys my age because I'm just not interested in them.

Every time I think about it I want to cry because there is nothing more I want then just to be with him. I know that things would be tough, but he is all I long for.

hi...

I'm pretty much in the same exact boat...in my situation, the only argument he can come up with is age-related..."You could have such a good life if ou forget abou tmy and meet a nice young guy..." it makes me want to gag. The confusing thing is, what if he is really not attracted to me, and that is how he is trying to get rid of me...

I know dating younger guys is a bad idea because I know we are too different, and then there are always the older guys who would just be using me....so, i am really, really frustrated because I know if I am not wiht him, I won't have anyone else for a LONG LONG time. Does anybody have any idea of what to say to him that can help him to understand this?

hi littleme

I'm in the same situation as you are. He is also a teacher, and is 26 yrs older than i am! I understand how you feel about everything that you said. BUT, my guy is married!!!

I was in love with him for ..umm....3yrs before we started our relationship! So, it is neither lust nor infatuation. i've thought about these stuff already.

If your guy is not married, and you both love each other, then i think you guys should get back together. It seems like he's having difficulty dealing with the age gap. For my guy, he is having difficulty having intimacy with me since he has 2 kids that are of my age.

Anywayz...these kinda relationships are tough..but..be strong...don't let him go if you really loves him!!

By the way..i haf a thread inside the "Chit Chat" of Younger women/Older Men

I"m new to this website as well. Its interesting to read each of your situations. I think I"d enjoy an older/younger relationship but I don't think I could sit for not seeing the other person for a prolonged period of time if I was really into her. If I were to be in a y/o relationship it would be for the fun of her company and doing things together.

Not seeing the other person would eat at me too much ... and its just not healthy and I"d move on to someone more accessible.

Well, thats my 2 cents ... :)

Thanks for your replies. I'm totally in love with my man. It is him that I love. BUT- I'm just really scared that when he turns old and winkly one day, I'd be put off. I'm also scared that he'd be old and slow while I'm still young and energetic. When I think of it now, I think no, I love him no matter what, but right now I can't tell the future... I don't want to hurt him.

I am 50 years old and have been "involved" with women much younger than myself. I am physically active and for the most part fit so that most people cannot believe my actual age. So don't worry too much about the gray and wrinkles - as for the former, only my hairdresser knows for sure. It also has been said that keeping company with younger women helps keep a man young - Tony Bennett was recently quoted as crediting his much younger female companion for that effect. Honey, if you love this man, age should not matter. Sex, too, is important, but not necessarily vital. Common interests, compatibility and future plans are more important. Too, if it gets to that point, the decision on whether or not to have children is important. If you would like to start a dialogue, my email is cczukows@hotmail.com

My husband is 56 and I am 30. We are wonderfully happy. It was a long road here but well worth all the bumps along the way because it made us stronger. It is only through our arrogance as humans that we believe we can really be happy without the one we truly love. When you love someone, you can push them away, rationalize them out of your life or justify an exile, but your heart will never be truly content nor will you ever be really happy without that person. If this is the way your guy feels about you, he'll be back I promise. And, if your love for him is true then at age 65 or 103, nothing is going to change that.

The other irony I've learned about age gap relationships is when the people in them stop focusing on the age gap the people around them tend to do the same thing. Just the other day a colleague of my husband's was shocked to learn that there was a 26 year age gap between us (goddness, I hope I don't look 50!!!) Yet, while we were dating (and were self-conscious) it always felt like everyone around was staring at us pointing.

The point is to be happy and do what makes you happy. Nobody else is living your life and they have no right to judge you for your choices as those are your choices to make and nobody else's. People that insist on doing so really are not worth your time and are not truly concerned with your happiness or accepting you for the person you are (not who they want or think you should be). Moreover, when we make decisions (i.e. to keep the relationship secret) based on what we think others will think are do, then we are just as at fault because we are not giving those around us the chance to prove us wrong.

True and genuine love is not something to be ashamed us as it is truly a gift that not enough of us have the opportunity to experience. Don't hide your relationship or your love because to do so cheapens what you have and says that you think it is something to be ashamed of. I speak from experience having hidden my relationship from my family for 3 1/2 years. I much prefer the way it is today - out in the open. Because my family loves me and they know I am happy, they have accepted my choice and support me. It is as it should be.

Best of luck.

Hello littleme!

I have to say that I totally agree with the lady who posted before me! If you guys really are in love, then no matter what you do or think, your love will come back to you and you will be living happily together. When my husband first told me he loved me I was stunned, imagine this, 21 years old and has never had a boyfriend, suddenly your best friend tells you hes in love with you, thing is he`s 35. I accepted his love and we were together for 3 days, after which I chickened out and said we couldnt be together, my main reason? I was too ugly for him to love me!

A month or so passed, and we were still friends and talking to each other ( I should say, we met online, so all this talking was done in chat and email and so on) and I have done everything to get him off my mind as nothing but a lovely friend! In May 2001 I cant stand it anymore, I tell him that I want him back if he wants me, which he did! So, in September 2001 he leaves Canada for Sweden to come here and marry me! We have now been married for a year and, as you can see from my nick ;) I am, and we are, jappily married!

Ok, what about the looks and all this, what happens when he gets older? My hubby isnt really superold, he`s only 37, but yes the signs of age are already starting to come...wrinkles around the eyes and not as slim as when younger...so what?! I didnt fall for his slim body, I desired his lovely soul and his very handsome self!! I think he is the greatest hunk ever and he will always be :)

Well, what I mean to say is that no matter what people say or think, you should do what you want to do and if you want to be with him and he with you, then you should!! If you arent being together for fear of what others are going to think or what they are going to say or this or that.....you will never live your life as it is meant to be lived!

If you want to talk about this, send a message and you`ll get my email!!

Good luck!!!!

Thanks everyone for replying.

We don't care what others think really, but the issue is that it affects his job (because he is a teacher) if people misunderstands the situation. Nobody is going to send their kids to a school that employs a teacher who look like he is dating a teenager. I'm not underage, but I do look much younger than my age. So I guess that's why we have to be secret. So long as I'm not his wife, people would always assume that he fools around with young girls. And by the way, he is quite well known in our area, so that doesn't help either cos he's always in the spotlight.

We're sort of seeing each other again, but I'm not sure if he considers me his "girlfriend" again- we still feel the same about each other. but I know that he feels the age gap (I mean the years and not maturity) and thinks I should be "normal" and date guys my age (although that's not what he wants). I know he loves me. is there anything I can do to help him accept that age is only a number?!!

One of the most frustrating things about life is that we cannot "control" other people. We can't make them do, say or feel what we want them to do, say or feel. There is no magic fairy dust that you can waive on your beloved and help him get over his age gap issues.

Accepting that is the first step. The second step is standing back, letting him work it out on his own (with your support of course), and loving him no matter what!

My husband patiently waited almost 4 years for me to work it out. To this day, I appreciate the love, support and patience he gave me during that time. If he had pushed too hard or blew off the concerns I felt, I don't know what would have happened.

Good luck.

I know I can't *make* him accept the age difference. In a way I'm glad that he has qualms about it- because ok it really isn't a common thing... he thinks he is no good for me and I'm "too good" for him. what the... I know he has self esteem problem- party because of a string of events and party I think is due to mid-life crisis. Anyway, i've told him many times that i love him as the way he is- he feels the same too- but he keeps telling me that i'm blind for loving a "loser" like him.

I know what your guy is going through, because I've been there and I've felt it. No matter whatever anyone says he'll never believe that he loves them and he'll always question that love whether it comes from you or something else. It's not your fault. He has issues he needs to work through and it has nothing to do with the differences in your ages.

This is something that he truly believes and his opinion won't change overnight. They say you can't love someone else and be loved until you love yourself. Until he can come to the realization that he needs and deserves to be loved he'll probably do whatever he can push you away and find whatever excuse to prove to you why this relationship can't and won't work. I don't believe the real issue is his job.

If I explain my situation a little you can see where I'm coming from. I'm engaged to older man and I still question the fact that he loves me even though he tells me and shows me everyday. I've asked him a number of times, why he loves me and he can't ever really answer it. He says it's a number of things, not one specific thing that draws him to me. Deep down I know he loves me, but having gone through some negative experiences in life, I don't understand how or why he could love me. I just know that he does. I know my fiance gets frustrated at times with me because he can't make me understand it, but he's still with me. I've done everything I could to convince him that maybe he could do better or find what he's looking for with someone else. Basically I've put him through hell without actually saying it. Until I tell him to go away, he says he's not going anywhere. I don't purposely intend to hurt him, I guess I'm trying to resolve things in my mind so that they make sense to me.

After a couple of years, literally, of him proving how much he loved me I finally woke up and realized I could be loved. I thank my lucky stars everyday that he didn't give up on me. I still question it now and again, but not as often as I used to. I'm not sure what made me wake up and smell the coffee so to speak. It may have to do with the fact that he's made a commitment to me and that we live together and are planning a future together. Maybe that sense of permanence made me wake up. I don't know. I'm just so glad he's here and he took a chance on me and stuck with me, though I would've understood if he'd walked away.

My advice to you is that if you really love and care about this man, don't give up on him. Of course, it's your decision and you need to decide just how much you're willing to put up with in a relationship. I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

Peace and Laughter to You~!

Okay, I am 18 and I am head over heels for this guy who is turning 30 this winter. Unfortunately, he was my teacher in my high school, but I graduated and moved to a town where I have an apt. and am attending college and he also moved there to teach at a different school - purely coincidence. But we spent a couple days together over the summer and I see him around town every so often and we email and talk on the phone sometimes, and the thing is I am totally crazy about this man but have no idea what to do about it. I know he likes me as a friend but I dont know if he likes me any more than that, but hopefully now that we're living closer I will find out and I hope to have a relationship with this man. Anyway, after hearing my story, what does anyone think? BTW, some additional info., he is 29 but looks 25 and is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen in my life and brilliant. We are both single. Does anyone think that its possible that he and I may have a relationship in time??